THINK IM LOSING THE PLOT!!

[x-kirsty-x]

hiya everyone, i really need to get this off my chest! i walked out of work today for no reason other than the fact that i cant be bothered with life anymore! i have no idea whats wrong with me, i just feel really really down.

iv always suffered from bouts of depression due to the fact that i had a really terrible childhood, im adopted and sometimes believe that everything that happened when i was younger is now contributing to my depression but its not severe and iv never been to the doctor about it cos i usually get out of it in my own time with the support of daniel. i usually only feel down for a few days then i pick up but this time i just cant be bothered with anything!

i only started my job a few weeks ago and iv been off twice so i'll probably be told tomorrow that im sacked then where will that leave me? i know its my own fault, it was so irresponsible of me to just leave work but i couldnt stand it anymore. you must all think im a nutter lol!

i think ttc is having a big impact on me, perhaps bigger than i first thought. i said in my first ever post that me and daniel had to terminate a pregnancy i had a year ago cos at the time we were in a bad position, now i feel guilty as sin cos theres hundreds of women who would of and could of went on to have that baby. what kind of person am i to do that when theres people who cant ever have kids? now its proving difficult for me to conceive so its probably karma! to add to that, daniels mam is pregnant and so is my best mate, who fell pregnant by accident!

this is probably a side of me none of you have ever heard before and im sorry if im going on and on! just really need to get it out of my system! on the bright side i suppose things can only get better. they cant get any worse, thats for sure lol

 

[rusks]

oh mate this ttcing lark is so didsheartning especially when we really want it so so bad.

i had a real downer a couple of weeks ago and could not be bothered with anything i slobbed around cried and couldn't be bothered to talk to anyone or do anything, and your AF has arrived and understandably you gutted and your AF ormones are prob all over the place.

You cannot blame yourself for having a termination we all have to make decisions in the heat of the moment and it sounds like that at the tie you made the right desision but don;t beat yourself up about that now, you have been pregnant before and you will be again soon. have a couple of days off and you'll feel much better.

its hard having people around you that are pregnant and so wanting yourself, we are all here for you and a lot us know how you feel. if you have suffered with depression in the past do you think it might be an idea to go and have a chat with your gp if he/she is supportive.

thinking about you mate.

 

[sophie]

Its good to get it all out!
hope u feel better soon!
xx

 

[sarahg]

Kirsty - can I make a suggestion. Give work a ring and apologise. Just say you were feeling poorly and now you seem a bit better. I employ people and I would probably have problems with people just walking out, BUT I am human and if someone were to say 'whoops - having a bad day' I might feel a whole lot more understanding. Everyone has off days. Just say that you felt it would be better that you were at home and sorry if it was short notice. If you cannot call maybe email? Some communication would be better than none and you will need some money when (not if!) your next little one comes along.

Sorry to sound so serious but I think it helps sometimes if someone tells it like it is...

Don't be unhappy. Your past is just that - leave it there. If you live by regret it's not much of a life! Move on and live for today. Take care. You clearly have people who care for you so accept that. Take a deep breath and move on.

 

[Wobbles]

I can relate to your childhood.

I had a nasty ride when I was younger. Originally I was fostered then at the age of 12 taken back by my birth mother. How social services ever condoned & allowed her to walk back in to my life & take me away from my life to this day still angers me all because she had a husband in the forces & aww how great it was to whisk me off with a woman an man I did not know to a nice sunny country! As soon as we hit the UK again I went straight back into care, not in the hands of a family to love me but children’s homes. Nice decision there from the child welfare.

I suffered severe depression from the age of 14.

My past definitely had a hold of my life & depression was just a kick in the teeth as a reminder. I woke up to myself when I blacked out (with panic) in the middle of Belfast city & nearly got run over.

Until I was about 20/21 I too felt like life wasn’t worth living. I couldn’t hold down a job & walked out on everyone I had just because I couldn’t be bothered, it wasn’t the job it was me.

Doctors & medication weren’t my answer. I even tried seeing a psychiatrist. Although this didn’t work for me it might do for you? I think the reason for this for me personal was to do with the fact people who were to care & look after my needs in my childhood let me down. Trust was a big issue for me & to this day still can be.

TTC will definitely add to your emotions.

What about a baby sitter & a night out with your man?

Adding to that what Sarah has replied above I agree with!

 

[naismum33]

Your not alone. I understand where your coming from. Im feeling the same like whats the point if i cant get pregnant. But please try to rmember this stress doesnt help at all. I know its hard and i know how frustrated it is for you, especially seeing others get pregnant.
Please just try to stay calm and i know that things happen for a reason and we will get pregnant when the time is right.
*hugs*

 

[x-kirsty-x]

firstly, thanks for your replies, its nice to know there are people willing to listen to my problems! secondly, i rang my boss the minute i got in the house and apologised. she wasnt in though so i had to leave a message, hence my worries that tomorrow i may not have a job!

i also want to say that i can relate to alot of what you said, wobbles. my birth mum and dad were worse than anyone could ever imagine. i wont go into details but i will say that when i was 2 years old, the police found me locked in the house on my own drinking a can of lager. my childhood was full of drinking and violence and all of that makes me the insecure person i am today.

on paper it seems like i have it all, and in fact i do feel so lucky to have daniel, our gorgeous son and the life we have together. my past doesnt bother me if im talking about it, or even thinking about it, but i think sub-consciously its left alot of unanswered questions.

to make matters worse, i have quite a few brothers and sisters who i hadnt met (we were all adopted seperately) until a few years back. just recently i arranged to meet up with my brother which was a brilliant experience, or at least it was til he started stealing money from me, so that was the end of that short-lived relationship.

anyway, i think i should think about all the things that are right in my life instead of all the things that have gone wrong. i just hope i get out of this mood i'm in cos its not doing any good and im picking josh up from nursery soon lol!

 

[Alicebabe]

Hun, I can relate to what your saying. I have had depression on and off for the last couple of years. I've had a few problems in life too but it only manifested itself when I was 22. I had to do on calls for my old job and when I got called in, I would be in the car crying coz I didnt want to go and then when I got there, crying in the store room. Its not even that I didnt like my job - just one of those things! But I got signed off for 2 weeks which did me the world of good. Maybe a break would help you?

I've tried anti-depressants but had a horrendous allergic reaction to both Fluoxetine and Mirtazipine so just relied on myself to get out of the terrible low I was in. It does lift eventually and it sounds like you have lots of support, especially here on the forum. Someone to talk to always helps. Or even as you have done on the forum, writing things down, even to yourself in a diary or something. As long as you can vent your feelings somehow.

As for your termination, I am a great believer in fate and so that was meant to be. Maybe if you had gone ahead, you wouldn't have your lovely OH to support you through TTC again now. You need to take comfort in the fact that you know you definitely can get pregnant! I have heard when you are so depressed and stressed out, its harder to conceive so maybe a break from TTC and just BD for fun - its more likely to happen that way, you know, spontaneously.

Hope your feeling better - you're not alone!

Alice x

 

[Wobbles]

Keyboard bashing works wanders for me. Ever want to talk Kirsty your more than welcome to add me to your MSN.

Chin up & good luck with your boss