Think i'm going to have to go it alone :(

[Bee7]

Hi ladies,

Sorry in advance for the impending post, i literally have nobody else to speak to right now and have no idea what to do. Some of you might remember me speaking about my OH's gambling problem before. Ever since i've known him he's had problems with it and he's gotten into all sorts of debt over the years. We actually broke up because of it for a while and lived apart. When i found out i was pregnant i said we'd give it another go but if he gambled again we'd be over.

If i'm totally honest with myself i don't think he ever stopped. He pays me money for the bills and for food etc, but he just got those fucking ridiculous payday loans out (interest at 100000000%) and kept all his debts secret. I thought once Jack was born it would change him and it did for a while, but tonight it's emerged that over the last few weeks he's racked up over a grand in payday loan debts. All of which he's gambled.

I'm absolutely heartbroken. I've done everything i can to help him. I've paid his debts off before, i let him use my car for work which leaves me stuck at home. All i can think of is the things we could have done with the money he's lost. Next month my maternity pay will go down and we're going to really struggle. I was relying on his wages to bear the burden of all our bills but how the hell is that going to happen when he's in so much debt? These are debts that take forever to pay off cos of the interest. It just enrages me.

I'm heartbroken he could do this to me and Jack. I don't want to be a single mum. I want us to be together and raise Jack together but how can i bring him up around someone who does this? How can i rely on him and build a future with him? We'll never be able to get a mortgage, we'll never have any savings. If Jack isn't enough to stop him gambling, nothing will.

The only thing stopping me from kicking him out right now is fear. I don't know how i'll cope alone both financially and emotionally. And obviously i love him. And despite these debts he has continued to pay half of all of our rent and bills. But that's not the point, he's lied to me and broken his promise. What do i do? It'll break my heart to kick him out. I don't know where he'll go. I'm just beside myself to be honest

 

[TundraOwl]

awww hun, dont know what to say but didnt want to read and run, big hugs and we are all here to listen and talk to xxx

 

[l_maclean]

I'm not 100% sure but can you contact gamblers anonymous for help - like AA have a section for families I think. Maybe get help from people who have faced the same problem. Xxx


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[Sarah13]

Yeah sounds like he needs proper help for his addiction. Must be terrible for you, I've no idea what to suggest but I hope you fine a way to sort things out x

 

[Bee7]

I might see if there's a number or something but i don't know what they'll be able to do to help me. He won't speak to gamblers anonymous, he thinks he can sort this problem out alone but he clearly can't.

I think it's gone past the stage where i'm able to help him. I've been doing it for years to the detriment to my own happiness and financial security. Now i have Jack i have to put him first. I'm just terrified to be honest

 

[winnie89]

My heart goes out to you sweetheart has he got no family he or you and little could stay with? X

 

[becciboo26]

Oh hun I don't know what to say Xx

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[x_larlybelle_x]

 

[misscrazycooki]

Feel for you hun. My partner is crap with money. His addiction was weed and he is still doing it now after doing a course etc.

I split up with mine twice and social services are involved as there was violence involved as our arguments got heated over money as he spent it all on that taking off me and my son.

Your partner can get debt help from citizens advice they can freeze the debts so he can pay them off if they are that bad. Also if you did split your finances and relationship for a while you could get help with benefits x

38 weeks pregnant. Team blue!

 

[BabyBrain]

I'm so sorry it's come to this again! When is this man ever going to learn?

Hunny I know you love him, you would never have given him another chance if you didn't and he should be grateful not gambling! The thing is hunny I honestly can't see that being a single parent can be any worse than what you go through every day wondering what he's doing. You already cope financially on your own, he would have to pay support which they could take straight out of his wages so I just don't see the difference there!

Emotionally, well you are a mother of one, not two. How much time and emotion are you wasting double checking his finances and breaking your heart over it all? All that negativity can be turned into positive emotion for Jack. Before you know it Jack will learn very quickly from his dad's behaviour and will think that it's ok to lie to you and to keep things hidden. It's not healthy for either of you.

You've given him so many chances, you need to ask yourself how many more before enough is enough. You deserve so much more than this sweetheart xxxxxxxxx

 

[Olive]

Agree with baby brain.

I know it's so hard though when you love someone. Maybe gamblers anonymous will be able to make suggestions to you as to how you can help him help himself.

If you do have family you can stay with, maybe you should for a while and maybe it'll be enough (hopefully) to shock him into changing his ways.

Big hug xxxx


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[Loula]

really hope your ok x

 

[ChrissieCool]

Hugggzzzzzz

 

[Susanne]

I think BabyBrain has pretty much summed it up, although I understand that leaving (or making him leave) must be an incredibly tough decision for you to make. Maybe that's finally going to get the message across, though? Thinking of you!!

 

[TORino]

Sorry to read this hun but I agree with everyone else. It can't be doing you any good wondering what he's up to all the time. The trust has gone and until he shows you a change in his behaviour it won't even begin to come back.

You've given him plenty of chances now, I know you said he doesn't think he needs help to quit it but quite clearly he does.

I hope you can do what you need to do to be happy. X

 

[Bee7]

Thank you ladies, you don't know how much your support means. I haven't told anyone yet so being able to talk about it here really helps.

I know you're all completely right, it's just so tough. He's at work right now but when he's home i'll try and be brave and tell him how it is. I can't build a future with someone who keeps doing this and i don't want Jack to be exposed to it either. I just never thought it would come to this x

 

[jody1981]

I agree with everyone else, he is being totally selfish and you need to do the same to protect you and your child.
Once he gets proper help for his addiction you can help him, I dont know your circumstances in terms of mortgage etc but he could get debts written off (I believe) if he files for bankruptcy but this means he will not be able to get credit for so many years - so maybe this would do him some good.

Payday loans make me sick, they prey on vunerable people and take advantage.

I wish you all the very best of luck in whatever you decide to do but please but little Jack first x

 

[My1stBaby]

Oh bee I'm so sorry this has happened again!! You and Jack need financial support, and if he won't stop gambling to give you this then he's not worth sticking around for. If you're not ready to end it, why not scare him into thinking you are leaving-go and stay at someones for a while- see what he does and then go from there. Its up to you whether you arte willing to give him another chance. But tbh it sounds like he's had plenty of chances before!

Big hugs xxxxxxx

 

[Princess81]

I'd say give him an ultimatum. Either give up gambling with the support of counselling or you are leaving. It's a very slippery slope.
I'd talk to citizens advice about your entitlements if you leave him so that you know where you would stand. Sounds like he's in denial. Big hugs xx

 

[jojo_2012]

At least if he tries to get help whether he needs it or not you'll both know you've tried everything. To take £1000 loan out and flush it down the loo like that is a big problem. I really hope you manage to sort it out, with all the other problems couples can have who needs something like this?