The Adoption Thread

[Blueflower]

I thought I would start a thread about Adoption as a few of us seem to be thinking about it. My thoughts are that it would be a last resort for us, even though that sounds awful as there are so many children who need a forever family, but being adopted myself I would prefer to have the chance of my own biological child. I’m not blood related to my mum, dad or sister and find it hard not to feel resentful that other people can have children easily. I also work for the local authority and am aware that adoption is nothing like when my parents got me as a small baby, I was theirs after 4 months and there was no contact with my birth family from that moment.


I’m happy about being adopted and know it was for the right reasons but my mum has mental health issues due to being unable to have her own children which is very difficult. It seems ironic that I’m now going through the same thing.

 

[Loubalouba]

I can't believe you are now going through what your mum went through... It does seem ironic. Well you have first hand experience then Hun and I can see why it would be a last choice for you xx let's pray you won't be in that situation... I pray that u won't ever be in that situation because I know that is your worst nightmare... It's mine too but I think what would be worse for me is not having a family. We have decided that if IVF fails we are going to start the adoption process, so in a year we should have gone through a 2nd cycle so I would be just about 37 in a years time, still time to get pregnant (well u would think!!) but I just feel that life is passing us by and I am so consumed with TTC that I don't think I can or want to keep going through fertility treatment, my life is not my own anymore, and the heartache with each fail or each month is just too much, I want to be a mum so bad and we want a family so much that we have both said we would want to adopt, to give a child a fantastic family life and home and I know we would love that child as if it was our own eventually. It's going to be another emotional rollercoaster to adopt and I am sure it won't be straight forward but we will want to try... If we get pregnant naturally one day that would be amazing but once our decision on adoption is made a pregnancy would not change that. I wonder where we will all be in a years time....? I never expected to still be here 3 years on. Maybe I can say this now because I know there is still hope and adoption is not our last option but I do find the thought of giving a child a much needed home a lovely concept... I really hope I am a mummy one day soon and in whatever the situation I love the child beyond reason and I am finally fulfilled and happy with my life!!!

 

[MariaIsabella]

We will definitely adopt if we can't have children and I know I would be happy if this was our only option. Have no idea about the procedure and the lengths of time it would take so this scares me a bit.

If I do adopt I would like a baby, preferable under 1 year old, do you know the rules on this? I assume it depends on our age as well as how long you are willing to wait but would be interesting to know if any of you have some info.

 

[Blueflower]

Sadly there are very few babies available for adoption these days as the birth parents are often given help to try to look after them as they are only removed as a last resort. Many babies stay in foster care for years whilst the birth parents keep trying to get them back from the Care system and keep getting chances. Often they get them back for a while then can't cope or mess up again which means that the children can be in several foster homes before being adopted.

Most children for adoption are 3 or above, babies who are relinquished fairly soon tend to have health problems such as heroine or alcohol addiction or have special needs. The waiting list is very long unless you are willing to adopt an older sibling group.

The contact with the birth family adopters have to be involved with concerns me too.

 

[MariaIsabella]

That's true.. sounds really hard.. What about adopting a baby from abroad?

 

[Blueflower]

I think you're more likely to get an orphan that way which is sad but means you get a baby and its only yours. Overseas adoption is frowned upon in the UK apparently so its really hard to find any info about it! Has anyone had any luck?

 

[MariaIsabella]

Why frowned upon? Because there are kids in the UK that need help?

 

[Blueflower]

Exactly. But I think there are plenty of couples who already have children who could give an older child a home. I think couples who have suffered years of heartbreak deserve to have a little baby.

 

[MariaIsabella]

Agreed. will investigate a little.

My boss told me about adoption in Russia. His wife has breast cancer ( they have a little daughter ) and going though Chemo will make it very hard for them have any more children of their own so they are thinking about adopting from Russia ( wife is Russian ). Will ask him about it in time.

 

[Blueflower]

I spoke to a friend a few months ago who recommended adoption agencies as they give you more choice as opposed to the local authority who keep you on file and contact you with one potential match to say yes or no to. I just had a look on the website of our local agency (the one my friend recommended) and have requested some info. They do inter country adoption too! They have a list of priority children which are the ones I mentioned before where there is no waiting list. It does look like a possible option. They recommend waiting 6 months after fertility treatment and you have to do training and voluntary work with children as part of the application process!

 

[MariaIsabella]

Great to know Blueflower, will look into it a bit more myself. I Don't want to put too much pressure on getting pregnant since it just sets me up for massive disappointment if it doesn't happen. Want to know I can still have a baby..

 

[Blueflower]

I think its safer to say I will still have a child because its still difficult to adopt an actual baby. Or maybe I should be more optimistic about getting a baby from abroad?!

 

[Clementine]

Hi Blueflower just saw this thread, my DH brought up the idea of adoption at the w'end (he was playing golf last Sat & the other guy's wife travels to help/ work in orphanages in Russia & Syria with an Irish charity) she said that there are babies that need homes and would we consider going thru the adoption process. My initial response was No, I'd almost prefer donor eggs as at least I would carry the baby. I sorta sound selfish but I really wanted my genes & my husband's genes. I also would prefer a very young baby (this would be impossible in Ireland as there is practically no babies for adoption here) . To be honest initially I was annoyed when my DH took it up, but I said I would think about it & decide how I feel about it.
Part of me thinks it totally sucks that we have so much love to give a baby and yet we can't have one of our own!

 

[Blueflower]

I think we all want our own baby first, 2nd choice donor eggs, 3rd choice adopt a very young baby. I don't know of many people who say they are happy to adopt an older child. Maybe some people do but after what we've been through already a young baby doesn't seem much to ask for. Orphanages abroad do seem like the way to do it. Did they say how the process works?

 

[Nikkers]

My brother in law and wife are just about to adopt their 3rd child. Their first was 14 months when they got her, the next was 4 months old, they fostered him and the adoption went through a couple of months ago, he is now 15 months. And the little girl they are gettin next is a year old and will hopefully be with them in January. All young ones! Love my niece and nephew dearly and can't wait to meet the next member of the family!

 

[Clementine]

I think we all want our own baby first, 2nd choice donor eggs, 3rd choice adopt a very young baby. I don't know of many people who say they are happy to adopt an older child. Maybe some people do but after what we've been through already a young baby doesn't seem much to ask for. Orphanages abroad do seem like the way to do it. Did they say how the process works?

Hi Blueflower my DH didn't ask for details as I think he sorta knew I might not want to do it.
His wife is flying to Greece this week to work with refugees so when she comes back I'll see if I can get more information, as far as I know you have to fill in questionnaires , attend interview & group meetings, they check financials , supports etc I would imagine it is managed via Ireland?

As you are adopted you have a unique insight into adoption and also wanting a baby yourself - seeing life from both sides of the coin.
I have two concerns over foreign adoption, (1) I would be taking a baby from a totally different culture and then bringing it up in in a Western Christian culture, I would be afraid that when the baby grows up they would blame us for taking them away from their roots, I know I could give them a life filled with love but would they have extended family back in their original country, I would need to know the exact circumstances that they became orphaned. I would learn all about their country & culture but I just keep thinking how did these babies end up being put into an orphanage ?
(2) i think adoption must be so much better than multiple foster homes or an orphanage, but if we adopted a baby now (I'm 43) and let's say at 18 they decide to find their birth parents / real family at 61 years of age I just don't know how I would cope ? I totally understand the need to know where you come from one but it must be so hard on everyone involved. Nurture can give you love, a home, a family but Nature who you look like, who gave you your genes, why you are the way you are is a very basic instinct.

 

[Blueflower]

I think they would have been abandoned by a young single mother with no support and have no extended family to take them in, or be orphaned. I agree about the culture, if there are couple from the same country to adopt that would be better but if the child would be in an orphanage all their life, then a different culture is preferable. I would try to find people from a similar culture for the child to meet and have lots of photos and books about their own country and people.

I think adoptive parents need to be very brave about their child wanting to find their birth family. My mum made it very clear she would be devastated if we did as she considers herself our mum. She does talk about our birth mothers kindly though.

 

[Blueflower]

I was talking to my dad about adoption today and he said that they had to wait 9months for me after applying (which I thought was normal) but apparently that was only because the pill was starting to be used and the Abortion Act had recently come in and before that you only had to wait 3 weeks!!

 

[phonixgirl]

3 weeks, wow!

I got really upset the day before yesterday and started to think this might be the best route...

 

[FBTTN8079]

Hubby and I have always been very open to adoption, we want to try all that we can with IVF first but if that is unsuccessful we've always said that we will adopt