Teen going off the rails? UPDATED

[Amanda]

Sorry - this is going to be a long one! I want some advise from mums and mums-to-be that haven't got teens if poss please (although feel free to answer if you have). I'd just like the opinion of an outsider that isn't emotionally involved.

We're having a few problems with Kayleigh.

She is an incredibly intelligent girl, and always has been, which is why this is so frustrating. She is top of set 1 in all subjects, is taking French GSCE this year at age 14, is in the gifted and tallented program which is offiliated with Warwick University, is a school counseller, and is a peer mentor at the school for other children who are having problems. But......

She is on report at school for being late 9 times in a fortnight and has detention tonight for not doing her homework. Her attitude at home stinks, and the only time she is even civil is when she is playing with Charlie. She cannot talk to me or DH without sneering (you know that teenage look) and being sarcastic. She never does anything I ask her - it's always 'in a minute', and then ends up in an argument as she never does it. Her bedroom is a tip (worse than normal teens). I have to force her to have a shower and clean her teeth. She answers back about everything. And worse of all - I caught her stealing £10 from my purse on Monday.

What I want to know is really your honest (and I mean honest) opinions. Please don't hold back if you think I am doing something wrong with her. I'd rather be told so I can address it now.

I have grounded her (again ) for the stealing. I have tried reasoning with her, talking to her, argueing with her, ignoring her, almost everything! I am so worried that she must be really unhappy at home because we never have a civilised conversation, everything ends in tears and shouting. I am at my wits end.

I spoke to my parents yesterday and my Dad said she is a carbon copy of me when I was 13. I really can't remember being that bad, or that miserable, but I was for 4 years according to them!

So come on - what can I do? Or should I do anything? Is this just normal teenage behaviour and she'll grow out of it?

 

[Minxy]

Teens are a nightmare time, and she has had some changes with Charlie's arrival and the move?

Just putting it out there.......Do you think she may feel upset somehow as you and DH have a child together and she may be feeling like the stepchild? Family dynamics can affect people in all sorts of different ways.

I hope everything settles down soon

 

Oh hun My sister turned 14 in August,m and is EXACTLY the same, my mum is at her witts end with her, and she drives me up the wall aswell.

It sounds like she might be rebelling against being the clever girl, because at school, it isn't always cool to be clever (I know at my school it definately wasn't 'cool', lord knows why). Aswell as normal teenage hormones.

I know I went through the same thing at that age and I never really knew why, I just felt uncomfortable with myself and couldn't talk about it, no matter how hard my mum tried.

I'm gonna ring my mum and see what she says the best thing to do in her opinion, as it's her second time round having a 13/14 year old stroppy horrid daughter! Hope you don't mind.

 

[Amanda]

Teens are a nightmare time, and she has had some changes with Charlie's arrival and the move?

Just putting it out there.......Do you think she may feel upset somehow as you and DH have a child together and she may be feeling like the stepchild? Family dynamics can affect people in all sorts of different ways.

I hope everything settles down soon

To be perfectly honest Minxy, she's been like this for a long while now and I've not been facing up to even admitting there's a problem. She was like this even before DH and I got together, but she's just getting worse now she's getting older. I have asked her, and she says she doesn't feel pushed out at all, although I suppose she could just be saying that. She adores Charlie though, and it's the only time I actually see her smile at home now.

She has had a lot to contend with lately though. The move isn't ideal for any of us and is hard work when we are falling over each other in the tiny flat. I suppose this compounds it.

 

[Amanda]

Thanks Sami. And of course I don't mind you asking your mum. It does make me feel better knowing that I'm not the only one going through it.

 

See it pays to ask different, people, different opinions

I spoke to my dad in the end, and he said it's hard to say how to deal with them, talking is one of the best options, but pick your timings well, otherwise you get nowhere. He also said writing her a note might help, and leaving it on her bed for her to find and read, and let her come to you. If she can't have a conversation without erupting or being sarcy, then maybe a letter will get accross what you have to say and ask without giving her the chance to intterupt?

Sorry if that doesn't help much.

 

[Emmylou]

Hi Tankett, (its a long one - so sorry if its not helpful)

Think I can possibly help with this one a little bit - I remember being a nightmare for my mom (& stepdad) for years when I hit 13......I am intelligent was in top stream at school, but I wanted to be cool, hang around with my mates, stay out late, push the boundaries & stand on street corners in the freezing cold drinking 20/20 - obviously as I was a teenager the world was also against me!

I knew my limits with my mum, but always tried to push them - i never stole from them but I did backchat as a usual response, stayed out past my curfew, and was basically an a**hole! I think it is normal teen behaviour to be sarcastic and annoying....its trying to be your own person too soon that does that, but I think you really need to stamp out the 'pinching a tenner' nonsense, this really is over and above 'being a teenager'.

Hopefully if you manage to chat to her and explain that if she needs money she is to ask, and then you can judge whether or not to give it, she may feel more confortable asking for it....does she get pocket money? I always used to get grounded, only affected me if I was missing something though like a party or a cinema trip or something, would hate my mom at the time (or think I did) but I certainly would think twice about playin' up again - don;t get dvd'sor takeaways that week either - it has to be a really boring week for her.......don;t top up her mobile (if she has one) for that week either, she will have to wait until she's not grounded again!

Just a thought, maybe try not to be too harsh with the not such troublesome stuff (although this will be hard as everything will wind you up) like not having a shower or brushing her teeth, if she wants to go to school with smelly armpits and bad breath - let that be her choice - she'll soon jump in the shower I'm sure!, but really put your foot down with not doing the homework etc. Try to show her you're not getting at her for everything, and really make a fuss when she is good with Charlie....say stuff like - Oh he really loves it when you play with him, you should see his eyes light up when you go over....it'll give a boost that she's part of the 'family'.

My mom & stepdad had 2 more children when I was 10, I felt very jealous at first, but mom used to involve me in bathing and pushing pushchair choosing outfits and presents and stuff so I felt a real part of their 'new family' - just an idea...see if she wants to bath him or feed him or get him dressed it will help with the bonding (thats is she doesn't do that kind of stuff already)

Sorry for chatting on forever, really I do think she'll grow out of it hunny, I did - it took me a while to get it out of my system but I have a fantastic relationship with my mom, and I really feel bad when I think how awful I was - but she never gave up on me and I'll never forget that

 

[oldermum]

Hi,

I have a 14 year old daughter and yours sounds quite normal.

They will try to push all the boundaries but stick to your guns. My daughter did something bad and i didn't just ground her, i removed her PC, phone,cable tv etc, all she had was normal TV. One to show her how much we were disgusted in her but also to show that we were in charge not her. And i talked to her not shouted, i was nearly crying.

Little by little we allowed her things back after she proved she was responsible enough to have them. Things have been much better since.

As for showers and deo, have a word with one of her friends That worked a treat for us, she soon got fed up of being called.

 

[Amanda]

You've all been great with the advise - thanks!!!

Sami - a letter is actually a very good idea! She does this to say she's sorry after she's been told off and I've kept them all. But this shows she understands the importance of a letter. I'm going to have to try that once I can grip a pen! I don't think a typed letter would have the same effect as a hand-written one, and this bloody carpel tunnel makes it impossible to hold a pen! Oh, and that did help, so don't say sorry!

Emmylou - Kayleigh doesn't get pocket money at the minute as we went through the 'smoking' phase a few months ago, so stopped all her money. Funny enough, we were just talking about giving it back when she went and stole from me! She actually didn't seem to mind the grounding until she realised her friend is having a sleepover on Saturday and now she can't go. So that's hit home a bit for her. Her TV has just gone pop, so she was using the living room one for her games, dvd's, etc, but now they are all banned. She's just used the last of her credit on her mobile, and I've told her no more until she behaves better. She's finding this hard because her friends are texting her while she's grounded!

I actually decided yesterday afternoon that I'm not going to mention the hygiene issue again - let her find out for herself when her friends start taking the mick, that'll soon get her clean! She went to school this morning without cleaning her teeth, writing on the back of her hand still there from yesterday, and the same school t-shirt (creased and dirty), and I bit my tongue and didn't say anything. It killed me all the way to school in the car, but I know someone will say something to her at school. I'm actually quite looking forward to picking her up today to see if anything has been said! I hadn't got round to reading your reply yesterday, but this morning actually took your advise without realising it! Kayleigh got up earlier than usual this morning, so I took the opportunity to do the bottles and have a shower while Kayleigh had Charlie. And afterwards I told her that she was a lifesaver for doing it, and she was really good with him as he looks so contented and settled when she had him. She wouldn't change his nappy though - it was one of those that was coming out the sides!!!!

Oldermum - She's had everything taken away apart from her MP3 player at the minute (oh, and her phone but that has no credit). I've told her that if she does anything else, that'll be next. But I've also told her that if she starts behaving normally, she can have one thing back at a time. I'll let you know if that works!

Thanks for everything girls - great advice!!

 

[Sarah&Braydon]

im a teenager and even now i can be a pain in the asss

before i had B or found out i was pregnant i always felt the world was against me and no one cared about me
and not being funny but Kayleigh has a new baby brother and altho she loves him more than nething in the world maybe she is feeling a little like she has lost u as u have a lil one now im not saying its ur fault but maybe could u spend an hour with her or wotever
sorry if this hasnt been any help at all

 

[Sarah&Braydon]

PS instead of taking things of her have u tried showing u that ur really hurt by her behavour that always used to get me wen mum and dad were really upset with me and id hurt them

 

[Amanda]

Thanks Sarah - it's good to see the advise of someone who is a teen themselves.

Actually, I met her from school yesterday and took her to get her hair cut. And it was the best hour we had spent together in ages. Then when we got in the car, she turned into the 'kevin' teenager again, but it was nice to have just that hour!

 

I'm glad things sound a little more positive for you Tankett, good luck with the letter, typed worked just aswell for me as a written one did (I used to do this with my mum and dad when I wouldnt talk or wouldnt listen).

 

[Sarah&Braydon]

maybe taking her shopping or summit just the two of u once a week or as often as possible may help

 

[Amanda]

I would love to take her shopping Sarah, but I don't really want to at the minute because I don't think I should be spending money on her when she's stolen from me.

I suppose she could come Asda with me tomorrow - or would that be more of a chore?!

 

[Sarah&Braydon]

deffo achore
maybe say summit along the lines maye sometime we could go shoppin n see if that kinda bribes her lol

 

[Emmylou]

With the pocket money thing I think if its been removed from her for smoking, she prob thought she'd help herself, maybe tell her that she was going to get pocket money this weekend, but she'll have to wait one more week because if the stealing thing, it's always good to give her a date when the punishment will be releived.

Glad to hear her credit ran out....I know it sounds harsh but she'll be really grateful for the credit on the phone when she gets it - she'll hopefully remember then that its a treat not a given!

As for the cleanliness, its hard at first, but just you wait until she turns it around and is doing her teeth and smartening her act up without you having to nag her - you'll be beaming!!!

Think I would have done the same as her with the nappy thing

 

[Minime]

Sure you not got my DD Tankett?


God they are so alike even down to the writing on the back of the hand which drives us nuts lol!

DD is very clean though if a tad vain however her clothes are slung on the floor which she walks all over, she constantly put clean folded washing back in the wash until we got a basket each and we all do our own now, she didnt do her uniform last week so she'll soon learn that I'm not doing it.

She was offered up to £20pw pocket money depending on how much she does around the house, lately thats a big fat nothing. Last night she asked if she could go the trafford centre with her friend, yeah sure. Next question, can I have £10 - errr earn it first! She'd figured out that I give her money for nothing if she asks but I got tough now

Smoking, we've tried everything but she still gets them. She's also been that pissed once that she had to go A&E in an ambulance and threw up on the hospital floor and she didnt learn and did it again so we took her mobile off her, she was grounded and is now on a permanent 6pm curfew.


She constantly takes my clothes, jewellery & make up despite being told over and over and over again not to. This week I was looking for my BRAND new boots for work, oh what a surprise DD was using them for school.

Because we've taken her mobile mainly due to the rather explicit texts we saw she now thinks its her right to use the house phone to organise her social life again despite being told numerous times she must ask first. She has also given out our number to all her friends despite being told strictly NOT to, her boyfriend called at 7:20 AM. Needless to say I hit the roof.


I think its the age, you wonder how the hell did you create something so selfish but then my mates tell me how lovely DD is compared to their horror teenager and are very surprised to hear that she is just like their kid! Their kids are also model children when they come to mine

 

[rusks]

is she unhappy at school? sometimes you can have a happy home life but it can be horrible if you are being bullied at school i.e for being bright for example and it makes you so miserable you take it out on whose closest to you, i.e your mum.

sorry if this has been suggested i didn't read all the replies.

 

[Amanda]

Minime - they were seperated at birth!!!

The clean washing in the wash drives me mad! The same denim skirt has been washed once a week for the past 6 weeks, but not worn once! She has her own washing basket, and also does her own washing, but she won't do it unless I nag 10 times! Luckily, she doesn't drink (yet!) as she hates the taste. I don't know what I would do if she came home drunk. Things will get better for us!

Rusks - I have actually phoned the school, and she seems fine according to them. I've asked them and she has a very large group of friends, so seems happy.

We've actually had quite a good weekend. Friday night was so terrible (I'll put a post in Off Topic if you're interested!) that it seemed to bring the family closer together. We've had a real laugh all weekend, and I feel that we are beginning to break through to her. I did have a thought about how to give her a bit more responsibility and a bit of money. A neighbour of my Mum's has just started doing Avon, and on the books it says that the Avon rep is Lucy. She is 12 years old and is doing it with the help of her mum. I asked her mum, and basically the Avon stuff is in her name, she handles all the money, but Lucy does all the leg work and then gets to keep all of the money. I have asked Kayleigh if she wants to give it a go, and she is extremely enthusiastic (at the minute!). She's going to speak to Lucy at school today and let me know tonight if she wants me to phone Avon. Hopefully she'll start to learn how hard it is to earn money.