still scared of my mum, how can i be more assertive?

[Miss.Monroe]

ive posted about this before but as i type my heart is beating so hard.

i moved out when i was 14 because my mum beat me up.(her and her husband are alcoholics) i was practically brought up in pubs, doing my homework with the barmaids. ive lived with my dad since i moved out, seeing my mum every so often, spending days with her. Which sometimes ended in her going bezerk and being very drunk.

the last time being in october when i had my ears pinned back with a bandage on my head, supposed to be taking it easy with no stress, she went out got p*ssed out of her face and came home going beserk, pulling hte bed covers off me and shouting at me. Me and my friends had to pack everything up at 2am and go to my OH flat! after mum said that she wanted to look after me when i had my ears done. ill never forgive her for that!

im 20 now and im still frightned of her and she still drinks and denys all knowledge of being an alcoholic. she thinks she is/was a good mum ( i have an 8 year old sister who lives with her) my sister knows the ins and outs of my mums and her husbands relationship everything to do with the mortgage and money problems and ways in which her dad has her her mum down and about mums boyfriend and mums girlfriend. (dont ask) anyway its far too much for an 8 year old to learn. shes had to grown up quickly. the poor girl.

i always said to people if i ever got pregnant me and my mum would fall out. simply because shes so manipulative and intimidating to say the least. i really am still frightened of her, especially when she drinks, even when she doesnt drink i dont feel strong enough to stick up for myself and tell her my opinions for fear of abuse or her getting totally irrational about things.

my 18 year old sister gets on better with her because she drinks and smokes and spends evenings over there listening to music getting drunk together. ive managed to get her to smoke outside when i go round because im pregnant, and she doesnt drink during the day when im there. She starts drinking in the evening when her husband gets in.But she usually calls at the weekends p*ssed out of her face talking crap.

She seems to think she will be there when i give birth and will be looking after Sophie and babysitting her at night. when she talks about it im too scared to tell her otherwise.she would go mad. but im not comfortable with her looking after Sophie at all, not even in the day for all i know she could be sitting in the pub with her! I dont want Sophie to be staying the night and for her to have an argument with her husband and them to screaming and shouting and not thinking about Sophie.

when i go over they both seem so excited about Sophie's arrival and my stepdad wont stop touching my bump and putting his arms around me which makes my skin crawl and i hate it. (hes only doing it because it pleases my mum) he used to beat me and my sister up too.

when i was round there last week mum was talking about something, and she turned to me and said ohh were going to have to explain all this to Sophie. This is nannies husband this is nannies girlfriend this is nannies boyfriend. i just laughed but in my head i was thinking no way! no way do i want sophie to know about things like that.

my sister came home just now and said that mum phoned her and was p*ssed out of her face (yet again) talking a load of rubbish and kept trying to get my sister to talk to her girlfriend on the phone for some reason.(this supposed girlfriend has a partner and is pregnant with his child, he is perfectly aware of what is going on too) anyway, when my sister told me this my heart just started beating so fast, as if i was scared all over again and i just hate that she gets like that. why cant she see what shes doing is wrong. she has an 8 year old daughter ffs. i feel so sorry for my little sister, shes getting the same upbrining that i had! minus the beatings as far as i know.

As someone said on Jeremy Kyle you have to be a mother before you can be a grandmother. i just dont want to be scared of her or frightened anymore, i was looking into assertivness books or something to help me be strong.

i just dont know what to do?

 

[Lola's Mummy]

Awww hun!

I don't really know what to say but didn't want to read and run

If she was my mother i wouldn't let her any where near my daughter until she had sorted herself out. It doesn't sound like there is much you can do to help her atm as she needs to admit she has a problem first

My mum also just invited herself to the birth of my LO but i just didn't ring her when i went into labour . I thought she'd be mad at me when i rang to tell her she had a granddaughter but she wasn't she was just happy that we were both happy and healthy

 

[Miss.Monroe]

My mum also just invited herself to the birth of my LO but i just didn't ring her when i went into labour . I thought she'd be mad at me when i rang to tell her she had a granddaughter but she wasn't she was just happy that we were both happy and healthy

this is the idea that me and my Oh had, just say it was all a bit too quick and we didnt have time to call. but she will blame my OH for not calling her. and me and Oh will have to lie about how long i was in labour for.

 

[lauramumof2]

I know she is your mum but I cannot believe you have anything to do with the evil woman and how she expects to have any part in your daughters upbringing is beyond me.

I think when your daughter is here you will find a new strength because when you see your baby and bond with her you will know there and then that you will never want her to go through a single minute of what you have experienced.,

I really feel awful for you. She is wicked.

 

[abcd1234]

My parents both agree that the only people who need to know about you being in labour are you and your birthing partner, or in your case your OH.

Thats what they did, they jsut rang and said baby was here, and thats what i'll do, ill have Dave and my Mum at the hospital with me and obviosuly my Dad will know, and if it's necessary my brother and sister, but we wont tell anyone else until she's here, i'm a little concerned that if we tell baby daddy he might try and turn up and it'd be the last thing i needed especially as like your mum chances are he'd be drunk.

Sophie is your baby, and it's your birth, you have to do what you want for her, reading books on being assertive may help you find a way to let your mum know once and for all how you're feeling. You need to make this clear rather then spend your life reluctantly letting her be around Sophie when you done want it. Just like i have to find a way to talk to baby daddies mum about how i dont want him around her and atm if she wants to see Tally she will have to come around ours, or i'll go over when he's at work. I love the fact she wants to be around her, but she has to understand that he is not fit to be around her.

 

[dannii87]

I really feel for you babe, and as tough as it is, at least you know deep in your heart that lucky Sophie will NEVER have to experience what you and your sister have She's going to be so lucky.

If I were you (taking into consideration your Mum's outbursts), I'd let her say what she says about being there at the birth etc and actually disregarding it. Don't encourage her to talk about it and make simple comments like "I'm really looking forward to being able to ring you and dad when she's born with her weight etc" she'll soon get the drift that actually she's not in your plans (without you actually telling her outright).

I don't think you really need to discuss with her about looking after Sophie etc. Again, let her get on with it and when the time comes, you can broach it then. As soon as Sophie is born you just will become assertive I bet! I'd put money on it. Because it won't just be you you're protecting, it'll be your gorgeous little girl So you'll take none of her sh*t...

...In fact, my Dad is the opposite, I needed to really try to involve him because I think he felt like he didn't deserve a huge place in Evie's life and thought he'd just take a step back. So I struggled with trying to get him involved etc.

She'll have to wise up herself and understand that to be in yours and Sophie's life, she'll have to buck up her ideas and start sorting her life out. Alcoholic or not, it doesn't sound like the best place for Sophie to be with her temper...

Hope you're ok hun. You've got a supportive fella and you 3 will get very far in life sticking together. Blood is NOT thicker than water IMO. People have to earn a place in your life - blood or not.

PM me if you ever need a chat xxx

 

[josiegirl]

I know she is your mom but you are a mom now as well, starting a new family and a healthier relationship with your LO than she has with you. I don't know what you can do to try to rid yourself of the guilt and the obligation you feel towards her, but you shouldn't have to feel this way. Don't worry about her feelings if it means protecting yourself from such a negative environment. My husband's parents are crazy, and the few times I let them babysit, I felt sick for days afterward.
I don't really know what else to say.

 

[nickilubs]

Oh sweetie! It sounds so horrible

If it was me I would break contact, but I'm very good at running away from stuff and your probably alot more braver in the way that you haven't done that yet and have stuck with it for so long.

I would just say no. I know she will probley going to go mental at you but you have to be firm with her and say NO you are not going to be there as I have a partner who has as much right to be at the birth as I do its his child. His mum isnt going to be there and she is as much of a importance as your mum so I would explain that. Say you can only have one person there and you want your OH and that the hospital wont allow loads of visitors till your ready so she will have to wait. As to babysitting I would just say that your coping fine and don't need a babysitter you are fine and are enjoying the time spent with your baby. If she wants to see her say yes meet up but as soon as she goes near a pub say your leaving. You have to be firm your going to be a mum yourself and this is the time no matter how scary it is you have to stand your ground. I know its easy to say but your not the one in the wrong ffs the whole nannies girlfriend and boyfriend thing screwed my head over let alone a childs!

You have to remember you have the upper hand here. It doesn't sound as if your mum has given you any reason to want anything to do with her she has to start giving reasons and proving she is a good influence and proving her worth if she wants to see your daughter.

 

[Melly+2]

Chick you dont have to be scared of her, you dont live with her anymore so if she gives you shit just walk out, or even though it sounds aweful, send her a text or a letter, then you wont be there if she starts being narky

 

[Miss.Monroe]

thank you for your replies everyone, there are some really strong points in what your saying, and with me just reading them i feel stronger already. i just feel so lonely at the moment, my dads ignoring me and the fact that ill be having a baby, we live together but dont talk,he sits in the frontroom on his own every evening and i sit in my bedroom. we dont know how to communicate anymore.

i feel ashamed and embarased to even be pregnant living here, its like he wont let me enjoy it or feel good or proud about being pregnant. im in tears everyday and im dreading coming home with sophie because my dad sees me and her living here as being an inconvenience. im not comfortable living here, even if i want to get up in the night to go to the toilet i dread it and creep around the house with my heart pounding. its like living with a stranger.

i swear as soon as shes born im going to the council and i have to get out of here.

 

[jennywren]

This is not meant to sound awfull but have you been on Jeremy Kyle? I only ask as I saw a story very similar to this a few weeks ago, if you havn't maybe you should try and get on the show to get your mother help, or at least yourself some help from Graham (free councilling) becasue you shouldnt be scared of your mother.

 

[Miss.Monroe]

This is not meant to sound awfull but have you been on Jeremy Kyle? I only ask as I saw a story very similar to this a few weeks ago, if you havn't maybe you should try and get on the show to get your mother help, or at least yourself some help from Graham (free councilling) becasue you shouldnt be scared of your mother.

haha no i havent been on jeremy kyle! although i am fully aware that this sorry excuse for a family is very Jeremy kyle worthy!

i give up trying to get her help! shes the only one who can help herself!

 

[keli]

Sorry i haven't got any advice just wanted to give you these xxx

 

[glitzyglamgirl]

Hardest desicion i ever had to make was to stop trying to have a relationship with my mother. She was very much how you describe yours and I cried myself to sleep for years after she threw me out at 15. I tried many times to make things right and she would just humour me and take the piss. I decided to stop all contact and cut her out of my life forever......BEST THING I EVER DID!!!!!

People say "aw but shes still your mum" and I saw "being a mum doesnt automatically mean someone is good"

I havnt seen or spoken to her for about 8 years now and it suits me fine. The insecurities she beat into me are gone, the fear of being rejected, the deep rooted feeling that I'm unloveable, the anger and frustration at being robbed of a childhood...all gone

The point is that if you do struggle with your mum once your baby is born and feel that life would be better without her in it....dont feel guilty or that you HAVE to have a relationship with her, you dont

 

[Miss.Monroe]

thank you for your reply GGG its encoraging as i do feel angry and frustrated about my childhood. i think it will eventually come to that. i just need to try and stop them being so involved in the whole pregnancy and 'grandchild' thing. they keep buying things for her

 

[nickilubs]

I hate to say this but sometimes it does take cutting your own parents and familly out to make them realize that what they are doing is wrong or even to make them miss you slightly! I had to do this when I was 18 I left home and didn't see anyone (although I still worked in the same small town where they all lived) for half a year! Nobody bothered to visit or contact me even though it was the day of my 18th Birthday I moved out and eventually it was my dad who came into the shop and asked if I was okay and that I still had unopened presents at their house!!! It took 6months! I didn't even speak to them once, but I made contact back on my mums birthday so I wasnt the one in the wrong. and even though I spent the whole 6months crying that not even my familly loved me I felt so much better when I did make contact and realized that they may of actually missed me and they wanted to see me again and wouldnt fight with me at everychance like it was before.

Sorry about the essay! I hope you get it all sorted soon!xxx

 

[CharlieC]

Hi there,

I stumbled on this thread and just wanted to say that you should be proud of some of the things you're feeling, as uncomfortable as they may feel to you they show that your child isn't going to have the same life as you did with you protecting her! You go girl!

If we can't rely on the one person who brought us into this world then we're better off without her.

 

[Miss.Monroe]

thank you CharlieC, sometimes i feel like a fuck up for feeling so shit and emotional about it all. but i do have sane moments where i think well it shows that i care. its just a tough position to be in, i wish with all the world she would change. but i know she wont, thats something that ive got to get used to.

 

[x0xbaybeeemz]

Im scared of my mum when she gets pissed.. My mum doesnt drink during the week anymore but she drinks loads and load at the weekend.. its got very bad recently.. I hate being around her when shes drunk.. I also have a 6yrold sister and she see's it all and its very hard
Hope everything gets better hun

 

[trixipaws]

no idea what to say sweetie my mum is the total opposite of that.