Starting afresh somewhere else.............

[starlight]

Sorry guys this is going to be a long story i'll try and keep it short.....
just after our first dd was born,when she was nearly two years old my hubbys parents separated cause his mum was having an affair after 30 years of marriage and his mum went to live with her new partner,at the time we know nothing of him mil wanted to take dd out for the day but said no cause we don't know anything about her new partner,she kicked up a fuss about that further down the line her new partner slaped mil round the face and the relationship fell apart.

Two months went by found out they've got back together again set up home 5 mins away from us to be near grandchildren {theres only us whithin both families who have had children} plays a big part in our lifes now and things went downhill from there.

Mil keeps complaining most of the time she dosen't see her grandchildren often, bearing in mind shes the only one in both entire famililes whos sees them once - three times a week whereas my family live and work far away and sees them once a month including mine and hubbys brothers and sisters,its called life most people have to work nowadays!

Always complaining why both girls don't stay overnight theres no room in a one bedroom flat she and partner have don't get along with her partner neither does hubby but causes marriage problems for us all the time gotta keep his mum happy as larry as hubby is stuck in the middle, we always said that when mil is not working she can have the girls those days if she wants but never calls to say when that is.

The cheek of it came when i was planning to go with the girls to see my family one day she wanted to see them and i said no going to see my parents instead, she said i won't get to see the grandchildren as im working all next week {saw them both 2 days last week} so had to changed my plans again for her.

Im dreading when we are both working as we won't get to see our own children all week properly mainly at weekends and that will cause a few stirs as who will see who.

Looking back i wished we all moved to a different town without all this hassle and stress when dd was first born, now im trying to find a job planning to work in a different town save up abit of money and uproot me,hubby and girls away from rowdy families but thats going to take awhile until we save the money.
Am i doing the right thing? it means dd has to go to a new school,make new friends and won't have grandparents and families living close by feel like the girls are going to hate me in the years to come as i've dragged them away from all that,but im sure the tension is in the air already as mil partner lost his driving licience due to some drink driving
thing has got licience back now but didn't want dd in the car.
mil said we were being unreasonable and punishing him for what he did in the past.dd was told not allowed in the car,now thanks to mil again convinced dh to let dd in the car for days out as im still not happy with the suituation but ones thing for sure my children will know the truth when they are older enough to understand.

I need some advice really as don't know what to do for the best uproot and leave family behind or stay?

 

[starlight]

Im sorry for the long story yesterday i was having a bad day .

Ive decided to stay put as it might upset dd if we move somewhere else,and ill have to find work closer to home.hopefully families life will settle down soon .

 

[Strangeness]

Awww what a horrible situation hun. Why are you bending over backwards to please your dh's mum? I can't believe you changed your plans to see your mum just to please his. If you let her get her own way all the time then she will expect it and it could cause more problems for you later on. You need to talk to your oh and figure something out because it sounds like you say one thing and he says another and that's what goes. I know sometimes it's easier to just let things be for a quiet life but when it involves your kids then you should speak up. There is no way in hell my son would be in a car with someone who is known to drink and drive. Moving isn't the answer but stand up for yourself hun. If you have concerns over your children than speak up and don't back down! I hope things settle soon hun

 

[Krystal]

aww what a tough situation.

I'd put my foot down with OH though, i'm sory i'm all for trying to keep family relations good but I would never let Jack in a car with someon who drink drives. I don't care who it upsets. Your children are your priority.

I don't k now what other advice to give as I appreciate it must be hard for you. good luck

 

[Sherlock]

I think most children cope well with a move if they are on the younger side still. And in all honesty, many grandparents don't live close by to have regular contact each week in this day and age. So long as you are seeing them, I doubt the children would feel deprived.

I'd certainly look to putting your foot down and setting up some kind of pre arrangement with your MIL with regards to the children. She can't expect you to change your plans to fit in with her all the time. Its unreasonable.

I'd start with saying that you are trying to get some continuity with yourselves as a family, and are planning things ahead a little more as you can't really continue with drop everything arrangements. That you want your time as a family unit and are going to have it, you, hubby and the children.

Suggest to MIL one visit a week, after school or some such, she comes to you, you go there with the girls. Then once a fortnight, invite her over for an afternoon or make arrangements to go out etc. But on your terms. Don't back down if she is working all week and says she cannot see them then, so wants them beforehand. Its just going to be how it is and she needs to learn to accept that. And you want to be able to go see other friends and family on other occasions, not put them off for her and made to feel bad about it.

Outside of that, its your life and you will involve her in things like school plays and so on, but she cannot expect your lives to revolve around her when it suits her.

I'd just take a tougher stance overall. It might not be pretty in the beginning, but I think if you and OH are together on it and both stick to what you want, then she has to come round to it. At the moment you are letting her get her own way and she cannot expect that to continue as the girls get older.

 

[starlight]

Aaaawww thankyou for the kind words,im a very kind soft person and its hard for me to say no at times.most of the time dh sticks by me but when i do put my foot down{not many times though} mil rings dh trying to convince him mil is right and im in the wrong

Now she has just told us it wasn't drink driving, he was drunk but was caught with car keys in his hand
I don't trust anything mil and her new partner say anymore.

 

[heles7]

sorry if i repeat what somebody else has already said...

if your MIL is causing so much difficulty, then moving areas won't solve the problem. you also need to think about yourself - starting up can be really tough, on you as well as your little one.

I know that saying no can be hard but thats what you have to do. Of course there are ways you can do this which don't involve the word no.. Eg when you said to MIL that you had plans with you mum, you could put it too her in a way that you are sorry you already having plans but lets do something together (tell her a date that suits you). if she's not happy with that negotiate a date you're both happy with. Don't change existing plans without a bloody good reason. Don't be guilt tripped!!!

 

[purple13]

sorry you're having such a hard time hon...

if it does get too much and you end up moving areas, i just wanted to let you know that up til the age of 8, i lived in 5 different houses and went to 4 different schools - i remember it all quite well, but not with any sort of resentment. i just made new friends and my parents made it all seem like an adventure...