How to solve a situation with mil.............

[starlight]

for the past 3 weeks she has been saying she wants to take our 4 year old to after school activity like brownies,swimming,karate etc but mil finishes work at 5.pm but i feel that its the parents job to do that espsecially as dh goes a find a job soon and im going to be working in october or sooner.
Then says our youngest one needs a haircut, the garden needs sorting out for summer, always making sure i dress them properly if they take them out for the day "make sure they have warm clothes on its cold today" .

Yesterday mil took 4 year old out for the day no problems but be back by 7.pm as its her bedtime at 8.pm and our other dd will be asleep before 7.pm as hard to settle them together when they sleep in the same room did'nt want her out to late.

It was 7.25pm when they turned up saying "sorry we late our daughter was messing about wouldn't get ready" which our 4 year old heard, {how can you blame a 4 year old for being late}
we both went quiet cause we didnt want to cause a scene in front of children.

but then mil says whats wrong with you two dh says your late back and we were worried mil says "whats the problem with that" its late and bedtime
then mil says im getting p****d off with this walks out of the room and slams the door while our daughter is still in the room how on earth do we explain that to our dd, luckily she was playing with her toys and 15 mins later she fell asleep on the settee.

what do we do now mil neither listens to me or her son to solve the situation,how do we calmly talk to her.

she has our girls 2/3 times a week but that is'nt enough for her feels like she has an obsession with our girls wanting them 24 hours a day.

don't expect any replys but needed to talk about it.

 

[heles7]

ohh don't let them bully you! it's entirely up to you how often you let the in laws take your little one(s). If they are persistently going to turn up late, start giving them earlier return times.

If she persists in being overbearing with taking them all the time, perhaps a sort of sarky comment along the lines of 'No we're doing something together before she forgets what I look like!' said in jest with a laugh may help diffuse situation whilst still getting accross the point.

Good luck anyway

 

[starlight]

hiya heles7,thankyou for the reply we've already tried that idea and it worked for a while lol,mil has had a new partner for a few years now but her partner is 10 years younger than her and dosen't get to see his own kids (won't tell us about that} but we both don't get along with him he seems dodgy somehow

before she met this new guy mil was brillient good and really nice,a little obsessed but nothing compared to when she was with her new man.

im trying to understand why she feels like this but most of it is to do with him cause he dosen't get to see his own kids hes trying to be family man to ours maybe.
its like shes change alot since being with this man{also lives with him)but when we ask her to come on a family day out with us and sil she says no unless mil brings her new man.

maybe we'll talk calmly later today and see whats really bothering with mil i get the feeling she isn't really happy with her new man as well as getting over her divource.

 

[Jade&Evie]

I'd ask about why he doesn't see his own kids.... thats something that you should feel comfortable if you are expected to leave your kids with him.

my MIL is a pain in the arse but I'm 'lucky' enough that she wants hardly anything to do with bub!

Hope things get better

 

[heles7]

i can sympathise with you about MIL not wanting to do anything without the bloke in tow as well. My dad lives overseas so we rarely see him and when we do, his girlfriend is always with him. It would be lovely though to spend some of the times without her.

 

[Redshoes]

It sounds like a very difficult situation you are in there starlight, I wanted to pass on some hugs Also, I know she's your MIL but if you don't like her partner, and the issue with him not seeing his own children (that does sound dodgy ), tell her she can see the children but not with him, unless she explains the situation between him and his children. You are their Mummy, please do what you feel safe with with them, trust your instincts, you say he's dodgy, maybe he is?

If she ever suggests anything to you in future, I would just try and smile, thank her for the suggestion/comment, then say whatever YOU think, and tell her how that is how it will be, in a nice way. She obviously loves your children but she cannot act the way she is, blaming them and slamming doors, I think you should mention it if it happens again, and tell her to keep her 'upset' out of the childrens earshot in future. You are not asking anything much of her in that, just for her respect towards your children, and you as their Mummy.

The bottom line is, you need to tell her if you're not happy because otherwise it will just get worse and you'll get yourself more upset, when you've done nothing wrong but try and save her feelings Bring it all up now and work forward with a better understanding of each other, it will be much better for your children, and you, very, very best wishes

That's just my opinion, please don't do anything you're not comfortable with obviously, hope its resolved soon for you

 

[starlight]

Hiya Redshoes,well we haven't been able to call or talk calmly to mil she hasn't phone to say sorry or anything yet for swearing and walking out in a huff in front of oldest dd as its easter sunday tomarrow they normally buy a small gift or egg.

Its upsetting my dd cause now all the questions are starting to come out "why hasn't grandma phoned" why grandma so mad, is easter bunny not going to grandmas,why did grandma swear, its not easy trying to explain all this to a 4 year old.we manage a few simple ways like grandma was upset because she didn't bring you home on time,but we are struggling to explain.

As dh dosen't want to go to his mums flat or phone her to talk i don't know what else to suggests as i know mil won't want to talk to me cause she always says im being really over protective of my children,i need to step back a little let them go on holiday,stayover night, and i say no cause my life revolves around the children until they turn 18.

Maybe one day mil wll see what she is missing.

 

[mrs_tommo22]

for the past 3 weeks she has been saying she wants to take our 4 year old to after school activity like brownies,swimming,karate etc but mil finishes work at 5.pm but i feel that its the parents job to do that espsecially as dh goes a find a job soon and im going to be working in october or sooner.
Then says our youngest one needs a haircut, the garden needs sorting out for summer, always making sure i dress them properly if they take them out for the day "make sure they have warm clothes on its cold today" .

Yesterday mil took 4 year old out for the day no problems but be back by 7.pm as its her bedtime at 8.pm and our other dd will be asleep before 7.pm as hard to settle them together when they sleep in the same room did'nt want her out to late.

It was 7.25pm when they turned up saying "sorry we late our daughter was messing about wouldn't get ready" which our 4 year old heard, {how can you blame a 4 year old for being late}
we both went quiet cause we didnt want to cause a scene in front of children.

but then mil says whats wrong with you two dh says your late back and we were worried mil says "whats the problem with that" its late and bedtime
then mil says im getting p****d off with this walks out of the room and slams the door while our daughter is still in the room how on earth do we explain that to our dd, luckily she was playing with her toys and 15 mins later she fell asleep on the settee.

what do we do now mil neither listens to me or her son to solve the situation,how do we calmly talk to her.

she has our girls 2/3 times a week but that is'nt enough for her feels like she has an obsession with our girls wanting them 24 hours a day.

don't expect any replys but needed to talk about it.

Tell her to back off, they are your kids and although shes your mil and their grandmother she has no right to make desisions for you on behalf of your girls.
Tell her you will be taking your girls off to activities if thy want o do them as we know as parents you cant make them do stuff!

You must both sit down with her and tell her what you have said on here and be firm with her. Explain to her though you dont mind her having the children but you want them back a a certain time and she can have thm when you say so.
But the comments in front of your 4 yr old must stop concerning your mil, she should know better then that!

Good luck and dont let her interrupt you, if she kicks off then say well i cant let you have the girls till we come to a agreement on them as they are my children.

 

[rachie29]

I agree with the others, tell her to back off. These are your children and its your decision a to when they are home and when they go to bed. My MIL is fussy too but I do trust her with my LO.

It sounds like she thinks she is the parent not you and your DH..she needs telling! You are there mum and what you say goes..
I've given up being too soft with my MIL... I was worried about hurting her feelings, she adores my LO but fusses way too much - wakes her cooing while she is asleep that sort of thing... I figured that it was the only way. I go for the friendly but firm route now and now OH has seen it first hand he's backing me up all the way.

your DH is clearly backing you too which is great. If she doesnt like it then its too bad... why should you be left to explain her swearing to a 4 year old? She shouldn't do it in the first place.

Good Luck

 

[Becky]

I'm in a similar situation with my MIL, while I have no doubt she loves my daughter, she believes that grandma time is the time to throw out the rules and indulge children which I completely disagree with.

There's been a few times I've had to tell her something she hasn't liked (like how she wanted my daughter to call her partner "grandad" which I disagreed with and she hasn't liked it and gone a bit huffy with me but I've stood my ground and in the end she's realised that if she wants to spend time with Lucy it has to be on mine and my hubby's terms - not hers.

Both my MIL and FIL seem to think that they have a say in how Lucy is brought up - don't even get me started about Christmas traditions! But I keep in my head that they had their chance with their kids, this is not a second chance for them, it is our turn to figure out our way of doing things and if we make a decision, then they have to abide by it.

 

[sazzylou]

Both my MIL and FIL seem to think that they have a say in how Lucy is brought up .

My MIL and Fil used to think the same about Beth, even thinking they had a say in where she went to school! They sat me down to tell me i needed to get her name down at a good school asap, even though she was only 2 1/2 and it was none of their damn business anyway. (This is only 1 small example of how they can be )

Its best you try and sort out your differences with MIL now, weather or not she likes what you say, they are YOUR kids!

My MIL and FIL still dont listen to a lot of what i say, and as a result i dont let them look after Beth as often as theyd like, but although i know theyd never let any harm come to her, theres certain areas that i just dont trust them in.

Its obvious that your MIL loves your kids and has a good relasionship with them, but she needs to back off and respect YOUR wishes. Hope you get all this sorted

 

[Babylicious]

My ex MIL was the same if not worse, she would take the clothes off I put her in to dress her in what she wanted her to wear, bought her sweets all the time even when she was naughty etc. I had to tell her to back off and stop her having her so often. I made sure she saw her just once a week. She soon got the message and realised who was in charge

 

[starlight]

Hiya all,update on the story so far mil said sorry but still refuses to listen to anything i say,mil rings my dh asking can she take oldest daughter out today and dh says yes which i wasn't too keen on with all the trouble happened last week so dh was in a mood with me.

When mil came to collect our dd she ask us when can she take dd swimming as dh says no because we as parents should be doing things like that,mil replys this is something i want to do with my grandaughter why is it such a problem then i say we are the parents we need to spend quality time with them had to stop mid sentence cause dd is listening as its stressing me out a little while dd is getting excited about going swimming now with grandma .

I sit hear crying and feeling im loosing my children slowly and when i start working soon they be at school,day nurseries an after school clubs which i won't be home till 6.pm and i'll hardly see them myself and dh no choice now but have to clear some debts and try and save for a morgage
but when im going to find the time to sare our children with grandma and other relatives i don't know

Dh backs and supports me up till a point when his mum phones him then im left alone to deal with the situations,it makes me so sad that my children will grow up knowing i can't do anything right.

So sorry for ranting.x

 

[sazzylou]

Hiya all,update on the story so far mil said sorry but still refuses to listen to anything i say,mil rings my dh asking can she take oldest daughter out today and dh says yes which i wasn't too keen on with all the trouble happened last week so dh was in a mood with me.

When mil came to collect our dd she ask us when can she take dd swimming as dh says no because we as parents should be doing things like that,mil replys this is something i want to do with my grandaughter why is it such a problem then i say we are the parents we need to spend quality time with them had to stop mid sentence cause dd is listening as its stressing me out a little while dd is getting excited about going swimming now with grandma .

I sit hear crying and feeling im loosing my children slowly and when i start working soon they be at school,day nurseries an after school clubs which i won't be home till 6.pm and i'll hardly see them myself and dh no choice now but have to clear some debts and try and save for a morgage
but when im going to find the time to sare our children with grandma and other relatives i don't know

Dh backs and supports me up till a point when his mum phones him then im left alone to deal with the situations,it makes me so sad that my children will grow up knowing i can't do anything right.

So sorry for ranting.x

aww, sounds like you're well pee'd off at the moment and i dont blame you

Dont feel like you cant do anything right. You're their mum, and anything you do will probably be in their best interests, and your LO's love you..Dont be so hard on yourself

My MIL got the right arse when Beth started school and they couldnt see her as much, but i had to tell her straight that any time me and OH get with her is for us, and although she found it hard to deal with, it was basically tough S***. Harsh, but she used to have a go at us for not seeing her until i explained that we onlt get the weekends together and anything like swimming, the park ect we would be doing with her and that was that! We make sure they see her, but unfortunatly we dont have the time to involve her (or my mum for that matter) as much as we used to. We try and fit everyone in, but sometimes its just not possible if we want to do things as a family.

Just stick to your guns. They are your kids, and you need to enjoy them and enjoy spending time with them. They dont stay little for long

 

[Tara & Liam]

hiya heles7,thankyou for the reply we've already tried that idea and it worked for a while lol,mil has had a new partner for a few years now but her partner is 10 years younger than her and dosen't get to see his own kids (won't tell us about that} but we both don't get along with him he seems dodgy somehow

before she met this new guy mil was brillient good and really nice,a little obsessed but nothing compared to when she was with her new man.

im trying to understand why she feels like this but most of it is to do with him cause he dosen't get to see his own kids hes trying to be family man to ours maybe.
its like shes change alot since being with this man{also lives with him)but when we ask her to come on a family day out with us and sil she says no unless mil brings her new man.

Cant you contact the police now to do checks on people. isnt that part of Megan's law?

maybe we'll talk calmly later today and see whats really bothering with mil i get the feeling she isn't really happy with her new man as well as getting over her divource.

 

[Becky]

Dont feel like you cant do anything right. You're their mum, and anything you do will probably be in their best interests, and your LO's love you..Dont be so hard on yourself

I agree 100% with this, the fact you are concerned about the situation speaks for itself.

We make sure they see her, but unfortunatly we dont have the time to involve her (or my mum for that matter) as much as we used to. We try and fit everyone in, but sometimes its just not possible if we want to do things as a family.

Exactly!! Although I had this problem before we had Lucy - MIL thought her little boy would be all hers forever and thought I was keeping him from her! So when if comes to Lucy its hard enough to make sure we have enough time for ourselves let alone anyone else! It is hard but you have to put yourselves first. Although saying that, my mum offers to pick Lucy up early from nursery on occasion to have time together but funnily enough MIL doesn't.....