so hard :(

[p1nk11]

Sorry to bore you all again but i just need to have a rant

Its 4 weeks today since my daughter was stillborn & i still cant understand why she's gone. Each day is harder & harder i feel so empty, next week is going to be worse - her due date is/was 23rd dec. We hoped so much that she would be here for xmas & now the thought that this would be her first xmas & she's not here rips me apart - i wish i could go away & hide from it all. Everyone around me is so excited putting up trees, buying/wrapping presents & all i can think is that i should be looking forward to her 1st xmas, i'd even bought her a little pink stocking with 'my 1st xmas' on it but now she'll never get use it. Yesturday we had 10inches of snow but she'll never get to make a snowman or throw snowballs at her dad I know i'm going to have to try & put on a smile as i dont want to spoil xmas for everyone else but i dont know how i'm going to do it.

Three of my friends have given birth in the last week & seeing all their messages of 'congratulations' , 'he/she is so perfect' & ' what a lovely xmas present' - all i can think is that should be me!! I know that makes me sound really selfish but I cant help feeling jealous that they are going to be doing all the things that i should be doing.

I know that it will get easier with time but right now i dont see how it can

 

[Piglet10]

u do not sound one bit selfish huni i actually think the opposite!! i really dont know what i can say just that ur lil angel is defo watching over u and i hope the thought of xmas is worse than xmas itself xxx

 

[Mummy2Adam]

Wanted to sent you massive I really cant imagine how you must be feeling.
Your little angel will be watching over on christmas day wanting her mummy and daddy to have a lovely day.
Take care of yourself and we are all here for you x x

 

[flexilexi394]

its only natural to feel the way youre feeling its so not fair, but just remember she will be watching you!! i cant imagine how hard it is to lose a little one, you never think it happens so close to home and sadly it does.
I know now it may feel like it will never get better, but it will, and one day you may have another son or daughter to enjoy all the precious moments with.
I am sorry this has happened to you, no one deserves anything so heart wrenching. xxx

 

[Laura_C]

Honey, i feel exactly the same

I had a bad night last night and I have found today difficult again. No one can say anything to make it all better and I know exactly what you mean about all the people around me having babies. I have a few friends who are due within a week of my due date in January and they don't really talk to me anymore - feels like because I'm not pregnant or have a little baby now then I don't interest them. I just want to be normal but people are ignoring me. I understand it's hard for people to talk to you when you've lost a loved one but it hurts more when people avoid talking to you

I must admit coming on here is very hard, I know come January I will be in bits - i was supposed to be pregnant now looking forward to the new year. All I can think is 'Why us?' - the hospital Ethan was born in has only had one Hydropic baby born there this year and it was our son - that's like 1 in 4000 and all we are told is that our baby was structurally perfect. It doesn't make sense!

I keep reserching the condition over and over to try and find answers but my hubby thinks this is making me sink deeper into depression. All I can think about is when it will be safe to try again and I just want the hospital to hurry things along with regards to testing etc. It keeps my mind busy.

I'll pm you my email address honey, contact me anytime for a chat. I don't feel comfortable posting stuff on here as I don't want to upset people or bore with this. No one can't truly understand until they have experienced such loss xxxxxxxxx

 

[midnight]

please dont think of yourself as selfish because your not i dont think 1 person wouldnt say why me xx and dont feel you have to put a smile on for xmas spend it however you feel like if you would rather spend all day in bed then do that no 1 will say your wrong for doing so, i hope the answers you both need are given you soonxx
i know its totally different but i release a balloon for my dad to catch just so he knows im thinking of him and it makes me feel comforted doing that
xxx xxx

 

[p1nk11]

Thank you everyone, myself & my OH are going to get a balloon on her due date & go to the remembrance garden where she rests to wish her a happy christmas. I think i'll be able to start excepting things when we have the post mortem results (but that wont be until the end of Jan) as the dr's have no idea why it happened so couldnt give me any info at the time.

like u Laura, i also think about ttc again but i know i need time to grieve & for my body to recover from the c-section. I'm going to speak to my GP at my 6wk check about when it will be safe to try againx

 

[Laura_C]

I hope you get some answers from the post mortem, we didn't bother as we discussed everything with a couple of the Neonatologists and they don't think anything will be found. There are hundreds of potential causes to his condition, they have ruled out many but with Non Immune Hydrops, lots of cases go undiagnosed. I don't feel as though we can ever have closure on that but we are still waiting for some results.

I feel exactly the same about reovery from the c section and obviously needing time to grieve, I need to beich stronger emotionally before we think about it, so does my hubby. My MW advised 12-18 months before TTC again, seems so far away but me and my hubby will know when it feels right. A year seems about right for us at the moment, just depends how we get on I suppose and if it will ever be advisable/safe again.

 

[p1nk11]

my consultant advised us to have PM as he & 2 of his fellow consultants went thru my notes three times but cud find nothing & he had only seen me 2 days before & everything was fine. they have told us that it may come back & nothing will have been found but that will help give us peace of mind that it was just something that happened. I hope you do manage to find some closure when the other results come back.

I'm hoping to start ttc again in a few months as we tried for over 2yrs & had been referred to IVF clinnic when we caught,i had only had 1 test which found i have PCOS & we were told we wud have difficulty conceiving naturally but luckily we managed it wivout treatment. But i'm worried that its going to b like that again as i will have to go thru all the ov testing again to get referred bk to the clinnic,& then having to go bk on the waiting list which will take about 18months in total I know i shouldnt be worrying about that at the moment as we conceived naturally so there is no reason it wont happen again but now i've been pregnant i want it more than i did before. Im sure it will be ok for you to ttc again as soon as you both feel ready xxx

 

[heartbroken]

Ur not boring us hun, tats what were here 4 to listen and give support to one another. I know exactly how u & LAURA_C are feeling its just so unfair the tought of not havin my baby boy is tearing me apart. I try not think of it and keep myself busy but its impossible. U ar not being selfish atal, that one question will always why me?? Why did this happen me and not them. I just found out the day i buried my son that my sisters boyfriends sister had a baby that day, she's a junkie and has 3 other kids that her mam looks after it make me sick to my stomach! I dont no how im going to get through this i just want to stay in bed and not face anyone. Im never going to be able to see my boys face light up at xmas or buy him toys the only things i can buy him are things for his grave. Hopefully this awful year will hurry up and be over. Thinking of everyone that's lost a loved one this christmas x x

 

[p1nk11]

i'm so sorry for ur loss hunni xx