single mum

[Cairns]

Hi everyone... I haven't written for quite a while. I was 14 weeks pregnant and just had my dating scan when my boyfriend told me "I really don't want to be a dad"... Not that this was any great surprise as you kind of pick up on these vibes. Anyway, I'm heading back to Australia to be a single mum. I haven't got any money and I don't want to put my baby in day care all the time, so I'm going to be "lousy dole scum" as well. Not exactly what anyone dreams of for their ideal future.

I just had my 20 week scan this morning. It's a little boy, and I'm going to call him Tristan. I was so happy. As far as they can tell, he looks healthy and he's so cute! But in the usual pregnant way of things I've gone from feeling elated to depressed. How can my boyfriend not want his own son? I've told my family that I'm coming home for financial reasons and that my boyfriend and I are still trying to work things out (I think this was what I'd convinced myself of at the time), but how will they react when they find out that my boyfriend just didn't want a baby so he dumped me? How will they treat him when he comes over for the birth? Why does he want to come over for the birth anyway? I don't understand him at all. How will I cope when my baby is sick in the middle of the night and I'm the only one around to deal with it? I'm going to be so lonely. How will I explain to my baby that his father didn't want him?

Has anyone else on this forum been through this kind of thing? It would help to feel not so alone.

 

[fran_23]

Hi, i haven't been through that but i remember you from when you posted before and just wanted to wish you luck and say congratulations on the news you are having a boy! Sorry to hear about your boyfriend, i'd like to think he might come around but maybe you and your baby are better off without him if that is how he feels! being a single mum is hard work but its also very rewarding, you will be the one getting all the smiles, hugs and kisses good luck in the future you sound like a strong lady!

 

[lisaspoon]

again!

Good to see you again

I'm really sad to hear that your boyfriend has said this part way through your pregnancy I think if financial reasons take you home, I'm positive you will get all the love and support from your family and they will help you with the baby as well. I'm sure they wont think any less of you for whats happened
Has he said that he wants to come over for the birth? Like you said, I find that a bit strange. If it were my choice I would want all or nothing really.

Have you set a date for going home yet? Please stay on the forum.... we're all here to give you support!

Congratulations on team blue though

 

[claire_louise]

awwww hun!!!! my ex has told me he doesnt want to see his child (ever) and he will not put his name on birth certificat etc. broke my heart to start with, then i realised that if he's going to be like that then both me and baby and you and your little boy (lovely name btw) will be better off from the start just being you two. although him wanting to come over for the birth seems very odd.

as hard as its going to be i think you're going to have to be VERY firm with him or he could end up messing you around alot.

the way im thinking of it with my LO is, at least the ex cant cancel visits/let my child down/walk in and out of his child's life, its exactly what my best mates ex used to do and it was horrible seeing the effect he had on her and subsequently her lil boy.

Although its going to be hard, you can do it

 

[carlyr874]

Hi Hun

I haven't been through exactly the same as you, but I can totally appreicate your situation. My ex and father to my first child, Holly was a waste of space! He never said he didn't want to be involved but I might aswell have been on my own from the start - on the day I had Holly I was going to be induced because I was 10 days over, I had been in hospital all of the week leading up to it anyway - if I hadn't of had the baby before then I was definitely going to have her that day! He turned up about 5pm (I had been induced at 8am) told me I was lucky he could make it because he was in the middle of concreting a swimming pool and you can't leave that job half done!!!! then on my first night at home with the baby he went out 'to get some 'coffee' at tea time and didn't come back until midnight! I left him and moved back in with my parents when she was 6 months old - and it was so much better.

You'll be so much better off being surrounded by family who care than with someone who can't be arsed! As for life as a single mum I really enjoyed it, I lived with my parents for a year then moved into my own place and went back to college made loads of new friends and really enjoyed myself. My ex could never really be bothered to see her and made a few half hearted attempts at regular access, he started off having her overnight but then I caught him out in the pub! He was supposed to be looking after her, obviously 1 night a week was too much of a commitment so I stopped that! he eventually trailed off and ended up getting involved with drugs and became an alcoholic and eventually killed himself - very sad but my priority was my daughter not him.

Sorry this reply is so long! What I am trying to say really is you're better off looking after yourself and your little baby boy's needs than even spending the time worrying about someone who can't be arsed! I know it seems daunting but even if it is hard at first you'll get into the swing of it, and they don't stay such hard work forever - I can't believe that Holly is now 7 1/2 years old!

If you wanna chat at all PM me xxxx

 

[Cairns]

Thank you ladies!

Your stories and advice cheered me up (and made me cry). It's good to be back on the forum. Yes, I'm headed back to Australia on the 11th of November. My boyfriend tried to explain to me why he wants to come over for the birth. He says he loves me and wants to help me and support me and see his child come into the world. He never wanted the baby, but now that it exists he can't ignore it and he wants to do what is best for me and the baby. He says that he's depressed about having a baby and that living with a depressed man on the other side of the world from the rest of my family won't be good for me, so sending me home is the best he can do for me.

I understand to some extent... but not completely. But I do understand that human emotions are very complicated, and that includes men's emotions. I also want him there for the birth because it will be good to get some help through the labor and with the baby, if only for the first few weeks. As for the future, I don't know. I guess I'd like my baby to at least know who his father is and that he cared enough to travel to the other side of the world to see him get born.

 

[claire_louise]

guess I'd like my baby to at least know who his father is and that he cared enough to travel to the other side of the world to see him get born

yeah that is a pretty big thing at least he knows he cant ignore it, which is better then my ex is doing, he actually thinks his new gf isnt going to find out ... umm we live on a little island where everyone knows everyone elses business lol

good luck with everything hun and make sure you stay in touch!

 

[Bexie]

Good luck Cairns, i hope it all works out for you. When you have a baby you really do need the support and love from your family so being surrounded by everyone back home should be a positive thing. The impression I get from what you've said about your ex, is that he is just really scared by the whole situation. It sounds like he doesn't want to turn his back on you both completely and to some extent wants some involvement. You have to be firm though and not let him mess you around. Your priority now is you and your little man.