Should my mums husband be called "Grandad"?

[Babybaby1]

Hi ladies

Got my bfp last week and Feeling a bit low.

Told our parents this weekend and they were thrilled.

My mom re-married 5 years ago to the guy she had an affair with on my dad, it's taken a long time to come to terms with and while I don't consider him a step dad, I do get along with him now.

She asked if she could tell him he was going to be a "grandad"
I said yes and just let it go although it did bother me.
The next day we were discussing whether she thought she wanted to be a nanna or grandma, she then said she though they would be "nan and grandad" and said Dave will be a grandad won't he? I said I don't know I will have to talk to my partner and my dad as I don't want anyone getting upset. She said well you can have him playing the role but not have the title. It got a bit heated.

It's really stressed me out and worrying me. I only found out I was expecting last week! Should be happy but feeling stressed!

Has anyone been through this? Any advice is welcome as I don't know what to do.

Xxx


Status: Online

 

[Rachel80]

I'm in a similar position, my mum has remarried & whist I get along with her husband I still think he's odd & not a patch on my dad. Our relationship is strained, my oh hasn't met him & we have been together for 2 years. He refers to himself as my stepfather, he is nothing to me other than my mums husband. He will never be grandad to my children & if he ever refers to himself as such I will put him straight, granddads are blood, he's not blood, end of. Yes it will cause a bit of friction but its my child, I don't refer to his children as my sisters!

My dad had been with his girlfriend for the same amount of time yet she would never refer to herself as my stepmother or grandmother to my children, although I wouldn't be as bothered if she did.


At the end of the day this obviously bothers you, it bothers me, therefore I will say what I feel & if it pisses others off tough luck.....I'm entitled to my feelings, my opinions & my mum didn't consider my feelings when she left my dad, just as I'm sure your mum didn't either! Good luck x

 

[l_maclean]

I think it depends on your relationship with both him and your mum. Blood's not always thicker than water and he may be a very very good 'grandad' to your child. Sometimes it's also good to think of what's easiest for a child to accept.

My cousins children used to refer to her step dad as 'grandpa Roy' which made a slight difference.

Also worth remembering that while traditional previous generations had 4 grandparents - parents parents, it's very common for little ones these days to have extra ones due to remarriages.

I hope you can come up with something you are all happy with. X


On my iPhone - so cant see tickers

 

[CARNAT22]

Personally I'd leave it up to your Dad.

Whilst you have done the right thing being grown up and civil about the situation I think you still have to respect your father in all of this and I'd tell your Mum as much.

There are plenty of cool nicknames your stepdad can have without being "grandad"

xxxxxxx

 

[Mrs N]

My dh parents are divorced and one remarried and the other with a partner, we refer to all of them as grandparents!
Xxx

 

[SunnySue]

I think it's actually quite insensitive and rude of your mum to be putting pressure on you about this issue so early on in your pregnancy. This should be a happy and exciting time not a time to be bogged down with this kind of stress.

My OH's stepdad is not called grandad simply because we felt it was unfair to his real dad who also plays an active role in our children's lives.

Like someone else said, it depends on your relationship with them and with your real dad. Do you think it would upset him?

I think for now you should just tell your mum that it's not something you want to worry about right now. That you want to enjoy your pregnancy and that you will give it some thought further down the line. Also ask her to not bring the subject up again until you are ready to make a decision.

I hope it all works out for you x

 

[tinkerbell86]

My oh's mum is remarried and our eldest calls him grandad although my oh doesn't call him step-dad he calls him by his name. He doesnt have kids of his own either. Oh's dad took a while to come round that he was called grandad too.

But other people I know who have other partners don't call themselves nan or grandad.

 

[tabbi]

My sister was in a similar situation years ago she had just had natasha at that point, my mum and dad had split and my mums partner (my now step-dad) came on the scene, she never called him granddad just his first name, my brother did the same with his 2 after they were born, and by this point they were married and he'd been involved for 7 years.
When my daughter was born I did everything possible to get her to call him Granddad, and since her dad and myself have split she has 4 sets of Grand parents, my mum, dad, my step mum, my step dad, his mum and dad, my current partners dad and mum, but some have the same names.

we have grannie annie, granddad rob, grannie ali, granddad will, granddad bob, grannie norma, nana sue and grampa gerry. She is fine with them it took some getting use to, but she did. It was my choice to name my step parents as active grand parents but they are actively involved in her life unlike my ex's parents.

you need time to think, I only decided after 38 weeks...she needs give you time. its important, you have along way to go yet. x x x

 

[clairem1980]

Just from my experience - and slightly different circumstances -my 'real' nan died when my mum was in her late teens. My grandad remarried but none of the four kids accepted her as 'mum' or 'step-mum' and they called her May. They all got us (me, siblings, cousins) to call them grandad and may and we did.
Then they were both killed in a car accident in 2006 and at the funeral my sisters and I all questioned why we had never called her nan and felt quite bad that we hadn't.
By all accounts she wasn't a patch on my 'real' nan and had her issues but to me she was a grandparent and I regret not letting her know that by calling her nan.
It is different if your other parent is still alive and also involved but if they are ok with the 'step-grandparents' having a title that would at least make it a bit easier.

 

[babyslog]

1st congratulations hun!

It all depends on how close you are with him tbh.
My step dad is the best thing that has happened to my mum i dnt call him dad we call him by his name and The same goes for my step mum (never been to fussed on her tho lol)

But ur situation is diffrent as ur mum had an affair and like u said it was alot harder to come to terms with.
My stepdad has been very kind to me, helps out and lends money, helps out with y car if it needs looking at, offered to have baby one afternoon a week when i return to work etc. alway been there for us and my mum so he 100% deserves to be 'grandad'.
Noah will be very lucky and have 3sets of grandparents being my dad/step mum, mum/step dad an OH parents.

Your mum needs to undertand its alot harder for u to come to terms with it and u dont want to uurt ur dads feelings.

Even if hes called 'grandad dave' or something like that and have his name on.
Im sure ur dad will spoil ur ur baby and make sure its loved


Dont stress about it yet and ur mum shouldnt be nagging u about it at all!
Its urs and ur OHs decisions xxxx

 

[LikeJohnnYoko]

In my case, I would have my children call my Mother's husband "Grandad" (or whatever he wanted to be called) without question. I see it as separate from my father and what his wishes are as it's not replacing him, just adding to the loving family around your LO.

 

[mrswoody]

Congratulations lovely on the pregnancy!
It's personally up to you what you want to do and how close you are to him? Plenty time to decide though.
My mum remarried last August before LO was here, I despise the bloke and will never have M call him grandad or anything. He will be known as his name that is it. I can't stand to be in the same room as him sometimes!

 

[Rachaellius]

I have two step parents and refer to my Dad's wife as Nana and my Mom's parter as Grandad for my LO. Everyone seems to be happy with that. I agree with LJY if you wanted to refer to your Step Dad as Grandad, he wouldn't be replacing your Dad, just adding another Grandparent

 

[busymummy]

My mum and dad are both remarried and their partners are referred to as grandparents. However, I was young when they became part of my life and see them as extra parents. In your situation I'm not so sure I'd feel comfortable with it x

 

[russellmuscle]

Whilst I agree that he's not blood related but tbh, in some cases blood doesn't mean a thing.

My grandpa remarried and was ttc with his second wife when my mum fell pregnant with me. Since then he doesn't bother with any of us... Atall.

I know that's diff but what I'm saying is blOod isn't everything, if you and ur partner feel its right then go for it..

I would say to ur dad but tbh you can't help who's involved in ur babys life - if he has a grandad and a papa so be it, more presents for baby xxxxx

 

[frankie247]

Even for the short time me and my hubby were together following the birth of X, his stepdad was not grandad but that's more because he wasn't a 'real' stepdad because he's not married to his mum.

I think only you know what's going to be best.

I have a new partner and we joke that his mum and dad are gran and grandad - but they're obviously not, and even if in the future we were to marry I think even then X would call them by their first names or have her own nicknames for them.

 

[NicNak1]

I think you should speak with you dad and see how he feels about it all. But i wouldnt mention it until your ready to discuss it in detail with your dad, mum and her partner. It is a very stressful situation.

My stepdad will certainly be a grandad, he already is to my niece. I dont agree with the comment "Grandads are blood" My "real dad" is no way a grandad, he's not even a "dad" He walked out when i was 1 and we havent seen him since, hasnt tried to contact us or anything. My stepdad deserves the title grandad and also dad (although we dont call him dad, we call him by his first name) he will do anything for us and he's done so much for this baby already and its not even here. I really couldnt praise him enough but that is my situation, it was never ever a question whether he would be a grandad or not.

I like the idea of maybe calling your dad grandad and your mums partner papa or something along those lines.

I hope you dont get stressed trying to make your decision just remember sometimes you cant please everyone. It's your decision at the end of the day and it's what you feel comfortable with. Xxx