Semi-obsessed MiL....

[Quill]

Ok, I know I mostly lurk, but I really need to get this off my chest and maybe get some opinions/advice.

My MiL and I have had a good relationship, I really like her, we have a fair amount in common. She was way excited when we told her I was pregnant, it's her first grandchild and her other children aren't really near to having any. I didn't really mind when she asked to be at the hospital when he was born... didn't want her in the delivery room, but in the hospital was fine. So I guess the story starts there...

I had a long labor (3 days of contractions) through which she stayed at our flat (looking back, was a bit keen of her, but I was in too much pain to care too much). But instead of waiting in the waiting room, she was standing right outside the delivery room door throughout when I was pushing. She even tried to come in when I was getting stitched up And was there immediately when they laid him on my chest trying to soothe him.

She came down to the hospital the day after he was born to hold him, then several days later again to visit. I guess in the first 3 weeks she was here twice a week at least. She pushed to take him out, and I was in no fit state to walk, so she was the first person to take him on a walk. She took him really far and I woke up kind of worried... he was only young and I am breastfeeding, so anything over an hour or so I worry about him getting hungry.

Throughout all of this I didn't feel too bad about her, always said "yes" to her visiting. But it seemed like she was getting pushier about stuff, nagging me to visit friends, write thank-you letters, etc. In the weeks after giving birth I was not well - had a kidney infection and a high fever. The week before the infection she'd nagged us to come up to hers (about an hour and 15 mins drive... through London traffic, going SW to N). So we finally did, and it was a real ordeal traveling with a newborn (he was about 2.5 weeks old) with me being poorly. Also we were just getting the knack of breastfeeding, and being far away from home, and comfortable pillows, was really hard.

The last time she was down here was 2 weeks ago and she nagged me a bunch about visiting somebody else (who conveniently lived near hers). She wanted me to get my husband to agree to drive up there. Keep in mind I'd just recovered from a bad infection... the moment I said I was starting to feel all right again she was there with the nagging. So to keep the peace we said we'd go...

Immediately we said that she texted saying "Oh,will you come visit us as well?" We said we'd see, and immediately she started sending lots of texts pleading with us to come. At that point it was as if some sort of siren went off in my head. I had REALLY been trying to be welcoming, bending over backward to accommodate the family, but this seemed way over the top. Even then, the texts didn't stop... once we'd gotten to the family friend's, she called HER, and then texted us asking if we were coming over. When we finally said we were, she waited half an hour and then started texting again. She called MY phone even (I ignored it) and texted saying "nearly there?" I ignored that as well.

When we got there, the warning siren in my head sounded even louder - she practically snatched him away from us and was holding him and kissing him and he finally got overwhelmed and began to cry, so I took him away and started breastfeeding him. Honestly it's a real struggle breastfeeding in public for me let alone in front of people who insist on singing to him, heh. And all this time she's trying to give me advice, like keeping a food diary (I don't need to keep a food diary, he's not sensitive to ANYTHING I eat). We left 45 mins later or so after I gave my husband a few death glares, and even then she was grabbing his feet while I was holding him to kiss them... and he's screaming at this point because he's overstimulated after half a day driving/being pawed over by people.

Since then she's texted numerous times to "see if we're all right" and mention that she's "missing her grandson." If I ignore them she just contacts DH.

Earlier this week she texted all chatty-like at 9am when I had just gotten me and the baby back to sleep after a very broken and rough night. It woke me up and I was so pissed that ignored it and went back to sleep - predictably she started nagging my DH, sending 3 texts in an hour.

Yesterday she texted AGAIN before 10am waking me up asking if it was ok to come around with one of her friends that afternoon. I was poleaxed - the flat was messy, I hadn't had a shower for almost 2 days, and I'd had another broken night. I didn't respond, and she texted DH AGAIN asking if he could get me to reply after calling me which I ignored again.

Bless him, DH emailed her and set out some guidelines, saying don't text me or call me, use email to set up meetings, and do it in advance so that I could have some warning.

So I'm now sitting on an email from her that seems kind of pushy, but maybe I'm reading more into it than I should. I think I'm really jaded with her and I feel that she's at least semi-obsessed with the baby. In her latest email she said she wants to come over next week and take him on an outing. Sigh. He's breastfeeding and wants to feed every hour to 2 hours, so I need to tell her to bring him back sharpish and honestly I don't even know if I WANT her to take him out...

Secondly she's doing that thing where she names another damn family member and pesters us to bring him to hers again. I am SO DONE with her nagging and "person X wants to see the baby!" He is only fking 6 weeks old.

So I don't know what to do or say to this latest email Or even how to act around her. I don't have any family around, so it's not like I'm shunning her for my own - they're all in the US. The few friends I've had around have been lovely and very non-intrusive.

I'm starting to feel that having her down once a week is way too much and I don't know how to say it.

If you made it this far, thanks for reading

 

[fran_23]

Hi just wanted to give you some hugs
sounds like shes just very excited and proud of her first grandchild and is going OTT she isn't ver considerate of your feelings/needs and obviously wants to take baby out to show him off to friends etc.

I think your OH needs to have a firm chat with her face to face and just say look mum sorry if this is hurtful but you have to calm down and stop pestering to see the baby, we need to bond with him and get in to our routine, establish breastfeeding etc and its not convenient to keep dragging him all over to visit everyone. There will be plenty of time for visits etc but he is 6 weeks old and we need this time with him right now. Hopefully she will get the hint! good luck i hope it works out for you- nothing worse than being harrased when you have a new baby!

 

[LisaJ1986]

Wow! I applaud you You have been so much more patient than i could have been!
We had these types of constant texts from OH's mates, but he just said, 'nope, we're not ready yet'
But yeah, you OH needs to tell her to chill out a bit more. Breastfeeding at the beginning is an ordeal in itself, then there's learning to be a parent etc. She needs to know she's being a bit over the top.

 

[Becky]

My MIL has her moments but never has she taken it this far. Your patience is amazing!

I agree with the otehrs, your OH needs to sit down and tell her to chill out a bit. If she wants to see LO then she needs to give you notice etc. If a family member/friend wants to see LO tell them to speak to you direct. Why should you be traipsing all over for other people's benefit?

You need time and space and she needs to learn that if you don't reply to a text then it's most probably because you're in bed/busy with baby and you'll get back to her when it is convenient!

 

[Sherlock]

Ditto all the above really. She sounds like a proud Grandma who is going a bit overboard.

My MIL was here staying for a month and sometimes I found it hard. I am BF'ing also and so LO needs regular feeds. Of course sometimes she was gone for 2 hours out for a walk with him and I started to worry. Personally I'd rather have said to have him back in an hour but of course never thought she would go for 2 hours

I'd have your OH have a talk to her. You need time to find your own routine and have your own space and you can contact her when you are planning to visit or would like to invite her to your place. Also her calling should be limited to when your OH is home in the evenings so as to not risk disturbing you and LO in the day.

I'd also put your foot down about her taking him out tbh. If you are not happy about it and worry she may go for too long then don't allow it at all. At least till such a time as you are comfortable that LO can go a couple of hours easily and not need feeding. I found it hard to let my MIL go off with my son for sure. All the things like if he cried, needing changing and then wanted a bit of a comfort feed, it all went through my head. I just wasn't ready to let him go off like that. And he was 8 weeks old and growing. So I totally understand your concerns.

I think a simple way to explain to her, even if its blunt is to say sorry, but until he is a bit older I don't want him going off with anyone because I am breastfeeding and I don't feel comfortable about it. Be honest. She might not be happy about it but I reckon sometimes just telling it how it is is the best thing.

 

[nori]

I agree with the others. You've done so well to be as patient as you have! I think its time to be a little more firm now as you need time with your baby.

Good luck and keep us posted!!

Claire x

 

[Quill]

Thanks everyone for the kind words and advice

It has made a big difference for me when I put it into words and got it off my chest.

I think this will be an ongoing thing, so I will probably be back to update at some point but for now, I agreed she could visit on Wednesday in the afternoon. I suggested a compromise - taking the baby out with her (if I am feeling up to it). That way I will not be worried about him needing a feed. It is so good to hear that I am not being overly protective by not wanting him to go out for long. I am fine with a short walk, I really am, but I worry if it's more than an hour.

I think one of the main underlying issues is that she is used to being in control and "older." Somehow even though I am 27 and have a university degree, lived my own life, she sometimes seems like she's trying to treat me and DH like we're 17 or 18. DH is able to shrug off her nosing in, but after the Saturday she kept pestering us, I have felt a lot differently about it all. Like something within me snapped, and all the instances of her trying to nose in all... I don't know... broke the camel's back at the same time.

This is causing a bit of a wedge between DH and me so I guess the sooner we get this sorted, the better. If Wednesday doesn't go well, or if she keeps wanting to come down often and trying to "check up" on us, I guess I will have to speak up in a stronger manner somehow. Although... sometimes all I really want to do is go off to a little log cabin in the middle of nowhere for a few months and not leave a forwarding address

Anyhow, thank you all again. I am sure I will be back to post again. If it makes anybody feel better, please go ahead and rant about your own MiLs, I'm sure we could form a support group here somehow

 

[mamichuli]

OK, is your MIL by any chance, mediterranean? My ex MIL was JUST like this and I finally had to put my foot down...after my eldest was born she was coming around ....EVERY AFTERNOON!!!! then my ex husband spoke to her and she backed off a bit to....EVERY OTHER AFTERNOON. From there we managed to wean her to only coming on Saturday afternoons, and then I insisted that she phone before coming, which she thought was very wierd on my part But I stood my ground and eventually taught her a lesson by "not being in" one saturday when she showed up (I just didnt open the door!!!) Cured her, tho. She never showed up uninvited again! So, stick to your guns, and if you dont want her around on a certain day, tell her you have other commitments. Flat and Simple.
Lisa

 

[joj]

I can sympathise completely, sounds a lot like my MIL. I felt really pressured into letting her take LO out without us, but got some good advice of here and tried to put a bit of a stop to it (it's made things a bit better anyway)
Try to compromise with her and don't give in if she keeps pushing. Tell her when you want her to see LO. TBH I found being honest and telling her exactly what I expected cleared the air a lot, she got in a strop for a bit but things are easier, she knows if she wants to see Jess on her own she has to follow our rules and if we say no, not to push. I don't feel like throttling her everytime I speak to her now! And she's stopped phoning or popping round asking to take Jess as she knows she'll get her on her own for a little while on a Saturday. Good luck!

 

[Quill]

Thanks again, ladies

Mamichuli, I would be so upset if my MiL came over every day!! She is not Mediterranean - she's British - but she has that "matriarch" wannabe sort of attitude, if you know what I mean.

Well, she came over yesterday and it wasn't a bad visit, although she's invited herself down next week. I guess I can cope with that, especially since I shot her down pretty firmly and grouchily when she mentioned getting together on the weekend. Weekends are for my husband and I to catch up on sleep and to socialize with friends we rarely see nowadays.

I also dropped some strong hints about wanting to move back home (5,000 miles away) which she freaked out about. I think she's realized she's been too overbearing and is starting to take a step back, but we'll see how it goes. I might be back to complain and whinge more on this thread

 

[dannii87]

OMG you saint!! How are you coping?! Your poor thing!

She sounds just like my step Mum. We've never got on well, but all of a sudden she says things like "Can I be called Grandma?" and "Come over on Sunday" - things that put me on the spot! And because I don't want to be rude, I just agree and get annoyed with myself for being such a pushover afterwards

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is I completely understand. They keep asking for her to stay at theirs and to have her for a few hours. I said "why do you need her on her own? Why can't a visit WITH me be enough?" and I've not allowed it. Because I know them too well and I know one time of having her alone for a few hours won't be enough and I'll have requests coming out of my ears for more!!

What I'm trying to do with my Dad & step Mum is gently push them away without a confrontation. Like, I'll put them off 2 visits out of 4 so that I don't just agree every time, and when they grab her as soon as I arrive at their front door, I'll make a joke and say "oh hello to you too! Am I invisable?! I swear I've just been shunted by my own Dad!" and when he says about her staying over at theirs, I say "that's fine, when you start producing milk from your moobs you can have her overnight" with a big grin. They'll soon get the hint!

Hope it gets easier for you now you've threatened to run away and take her grandson and son with you! xxx

 

[Quill]

She sounds just like my step Mum. We've never got on well, but all of a sudden she says things like "Can I be called Grandma?" and "Come over on Sunday" - things that put me on the spot! And because I don't want to be rude, I just agree and get annoyed with myself for being such a pushover afterwards

Yeah, exactly! It's the sudden interest that's given me a lot of offense. We'd see each other maybe once every 3months, and now it's like playing happy families or something, every week. Seriously, she was down here a few days ago and was badgering me to come see her again. When I told her we didn't much like having to drive an hour+ each way with a 2 month old, she told me that I should take the tube instead. With a 2 month old. An hour and a quarter each way, for a total of 2.5 hours of traveling (not including walking). And of course when I said I didn't feel up to it, she trotted out the old "Family Member X wants to see him so badly though!"

Despite communication, still causing some problems between me and DH I just keep telling him I don't like being nagged, and he feels like she's nagging "in a good way." I flat out told him last time we talked about the issue that every time she asked me to come up there, I would find yet another excuse. I am not going to take a 2 month old baby up for an hourlong visit sitting around a smoky house doing nothing but watching old people coo over a baby and make him cry, so the next damn time he wants to visit them, he can schedule a dinner out, or have them meet us in a nearby park or something.

Phew glad I got that off my chest!! Stay tuned for the next episode of drama, because I feel like this is going to be an ongoing issue

 

[dannii87]

I don't know how you're coping with all this! Especially when it's putting pressure on your own relationship.

I would suggest either doing any of the following (I want to advise to tell her straight to back off, but I know how difficult it is not wanting to cause any problems/issues unecessarily!)

Option A) Accept to go down there once. But say you're really finding it difficult travelling with such a small baby and if all these family members want to see your little boy, then they'll all have to meet up at your MILs house and you'll go visit. I'd say you cannot go round to each family member so the easiest thing for you would be to gather them altogether and show off your LO that way every 6-8 weeks or so.

Option B) Tell her that the travelling is a bit too much, so how about sending pics of your little man by post/email instead so she's always updated without any pressure for you having to go visit a lot.

Option C) Keep visiting whenever she requests but be a bit "off" with her each time you visit in the hope she doesn't want to see you as often if she keeps getting the same frosty reception!

Option D) Start being more forceful in a nice way. For example, you could say "to be honest, I'm not THAT happy about having to keep travelling to visit family members that want to see my LO, if they want to see my LO, they'll have to contact me directly and arrange a suitable time for them to come visit" or you could make excuses and say that he's feeding really wierd lately so you don't want him out of your sight so she can't take him out for a walk.

Option E) Keep putting her off and making excuses, and just pray she soon gets the hint!

Hope things get a bit easier for you! I'm having to use trial and error techniques (like using the above options) with my own Dad & step Mum because they're being SO overbearing! On Friday, my Dad phoned and asked what I was up to this weekend, I told him I was swapping rooms with my brother on Saturday and spending the day in our PJs on Sunday. I know he only asked because he was hinting that he wants me to visit him yet again on Sunday (today).

 

[GBLiz]

I sympathise! My MIL expects US to go visiting everyone. And Im talking a 5 hour journey when we work a 70 hour week !!She says we should 'do the right thing'. One of OH's aunts is still aggreived that we didnt visit their home before our wedding- which would have been a 3 hour journey right when i was at my tiredest in pregnancy. Because of that they didnt visit us when they were 10 mins from our new home, and instead we are still expected to travel the 5 hours. At first we attempted to make the journeys to 'do the right thing' but soon realised the more we did it the more we expected. Now my OH tells her straight he is DOING THE RIGHT THING which is to look after his wife and baby. Funnily enough they havent managed to take the trip to visit us yet since June....

 

[Quill]

Wow Dannii! That was an awesome list, thank you so much. Have you considered being a psychologist or something? I think you'd be good at it

I think I'll just have to go with the last few options, being forceful and trying to put her off visiting. One of my problems is that I think she's used to kind of being in charge. She'll say things like "I do hope we're going out for a walk today" and "Well, next Thursday is good for me, what time is good for me to come?" It's so hard to say no to these things because I'd then come across as really mean. Plus, the one time I said it wasn't a good time (she'd texted at 8am, JUST when I'd gotten us both back to sleep, asking whether she could bring a friend around THAT afternoon ) she never even bothered to reply saying something like "that's ok, another time then."

Despite all of this, she is a nice person, and I do enjoy the occasional visit. We have a lot in common. It's just... ever since a month ago when she kept visiting and trying to drag us up there, I haven't felt the same toward her. I don't really trust her anymore. Whereas before I thought she was just being nice, now I feel like all her energy is directed toward finding yet more ways to spend time with/show off her grandchild. Especially the showing off bit, when she's got him around other family members she really goes overboard. Too much kissing, squeezing, poking, handling, that when I finally get him back (when he needs feeding or a nappy change only ) he's so overstimulated at that point that I just want to take him and run to a quiet dark room for a few hours.

Hopefully I can sort it so that she limits her visits to once every 2 weeks. It's getting to the point now where she's being too pushy again. Last week she told me I shouldn't use Calpol because there was some study done showing that paracetemol could possibly cause more asthma. And when I said I might use it because he was having his shots done, she argued with me about it. I guess it goes back to the trust thing... I would have dealt with it better if I didn't feel so hard done by.

I guess I'll just have to be more forceful, since she's continuing to bring up the whole visit thing. I wish she'd just hint...I'd be so much more likely to actually make the trip up if she was nice about it and said "We'd like to see you sometime, let us know." Instead of "WHEN ARE YOU COMING UP AGAIN?"

I totally sympathize with you having to deal with overbearing relatives too, Dannii, isn't it a pain? Hope it gets better for both of us!

Gymbabeliz - 5 hours? No way! Makes 2.5 hours seem easy by comparison. I know what you mean though... the more they see us, the more they seem to expect to see us. Good on your OH for doing the right thing!

 

[nori]

Sorry to hear you are still having a nightmare. I noticed in one of your replies that their house is smokey.. what better excuse to not go round. A baby should definately not be in a smoky room!

Stay firm hun,

Claire x