Relationship Help

[Pappadog]

Hello all

Such a long time since I've been on here, but then I suppose it's because my husband and I aren't really trying for a baby anymore.

But now I need your help and here's my story.

A year ago back in May I fell pregnant, but had an early miscarriage and now looking back it's a good job really. I've been married to my husband for over a year now and I no longer have any feelings for him. I guess I'm the wife that looks after the house! Let me tell you a bit about my Husband. We've been together for nearly seven years and in that time we've bought a house and he's always looked after me financially if needed. Throughout the time together I've found texts and email to another women (three times and each time a different one), but never been able to prove anything and this was before we got married. So, there's always been that little niggle in the back of my mind. He also seems to always begrudge my animals and convinced me to get rid of my horses (he doesn't know I have them back yet)

Now here's where it gets complicated! I met a guy in my off road club and I can't tell you how well we get on. He's such a caring and very thoughtful person. He loves my animals and obviously the fact I'm into cars. We've been together for quiet a long time now so I know it's for real and I think about him all the time. He's always helping me with the horses - yippeee and I don't want to go any longer with having to lead two lives. I have to admit that he's something special to tolerate me still living with my husband.

I know for sure that I want to leave my husband and settle down with the other guy - but OMG I'm such a chicken - how the hell do I do it? Please, please has someone been through something like this? I need some support as I cannot talk to my friend about this in case she tells her husband (he's a good friend of my husband).

 

[Sammystar]

I don't envy you, and I've never been in that position, but from what I've read I'd say your mind is made up, it's just the 'biting the bullet' bit you need help with.

Are you able to survive financially? do you have somewhere to go if you leave your husband? I would concentrate on getting these two things organised first. You need independance. What you don't need to do is leave the husband, move in with the new guy and find yourself totally depending on him.......that's a big relationship killer, and it might make things awkward with a divorce.

You sound like a level headed sort of person, and you seem to know what you want. You just need to find the courage to make the break.

Start putting plans in place. I would try to get a place of your own, or with a friend initially, and move in with the new man at a later date.

Good luck!

 

[Pappadog]

Hi Sammystar

Thanks so much for your reply.

With regards to the finance I've calculated everything and will be ok. I have the option to stop with Mum and Dad (not my first option, bless them) or to go and stop with one of my female friends.

The other guy has his own place and yes I agree that I couldn't and wouldn't want to have to depend in any way on him although he's a rock, I'm just a very independant person.

I still just don't know how to break the news? I have thought of telling my Husband that the horses are coming back as I know this will annoy him and may bring the marriage to an end. I also know that it's a bit cowardly.

 

[zebrastripes]

As an ex-horse owner myself,being with anyone who does NOT appreciate or at least accept a life of equine madness is a big no-no.
To be honest the horse idea is something i'd do.Who cares if it's cowardly as long as it works at the end of the day.Good luck

 

[Babylicious]

I would suggest just being honest with him, saying that the marraige is over and that you no longer have feelings for him (don't think telling him about the other guy would be a good idea yet).

Get your moving date sorted and tell him on the day you go, that way you don't have to face days of rows.

It's hard but you know you'll be happy with this other guy and love is (as they say) a selfish emotion, so be brave and think of yourself

BTW I was in a similar situation in 2005 and I'm now with my current partner, although my ex husband was violent.

 

[Emma58]

I agree with Babylicious be honest with him.

I have been through this too and I agonised for a long time whether i should leave or not and it really was a difficult thing to do even though I knew the marriage was over.

I went to stay with my parents and TBH they were brilliant and really helped me through it.

Keep strong

 

[Pappadog]

Thank you guys

Emma58 - How did you feel when you left. Did it affect you too much?

 

[Emma58]

For the first few weeks it was hard especially as we have a child together. But i soon realized I'd done the right thing even though I knew our marriage was over it was still difficult. But it really wasn't long for me before I knew i had made the right decision.

I had met a new partner at the time and I didn't know if we would last especially under the circumstances that we got together and I must admit i was really scared that i'd end up alone and wouldn't be able to cope.

 

[Babylicious]

I also went to my Dads and stayed for 6 weeks

When I left I felt like a huge weight had been lifted and I felt free. I'm glad I did leave now

 

[Emma58]

Me and DS were at my mum and dads for 6 months. It helped so much staying with them.

 

[Babylicious]

I only lasted 6/7 weeks at my dads then I found my own place. I love my dad but we are so similar we clash all the time

 

[Sammystar]

good luck with it hun. I think the others are right, be honest about your feelings and try to keep it as amicable as possible. Hopefully he realises aswell that it's over and he'll be adult about it all.

Let us know how you get on

 

[Hypnorm]

i think the longer you hang on the harder it becomes. its not going to be easy either way. life to short to be unhappy.
Go for it and let us know how you get on.

 

[freepie]

good luck hun,

breaking up and starting again is always hard, but it good to know you have found a wonderful man to support you.

go for it, its your life.

i think you should be honest with your husband, explain that you dont love him anymore and that you dont want to look back years later and regret not going.

to be honest, if you dont have any feelings for him, i am sure a part of him must know that you are not happy & that its not working.

he deserves to be happy too.

i wish you all the best!

 

[Pappadog]

Thank you all for such lovely words and I'm building up my courage to sit down and talk to him, but first I'm soring out all my bits and bobs in the daytime so that when I've spoken to him I'm ready to go and don't have to go back. Got to move all my little guinea pigs - that should be fun . Have chucked out all my old clothes and stuff I don't want to drag round with me.

I'll keep you all updated. I'm so determined now that I want to spend Christmas with the guy I really love and care for.

 

[Emma58]

Good luck hun

 

[Penstraze]

I was in this position this time 2 years ago, my partner ended up finding out about the other man by accident it was very messy and I hurt him alot I wish I had found the courage to give him the dignity of being told first hand what was going on before he had the shock of finding out for himself! Also the other man turned out to be not as genuine as he first seemed, not always the case but ask yourself what kind of man is happy to steal another mans wife or takes advantage of a woman at her lowest, is he really interested in your horses or will that interest fade when he has what he wants? Will he trust you not to cheat on him knowing how you cheated on your husband?

I am sorry to be looking on the negative side but I made a big mistake and am lucky enough to be back with my partner and getting married next xmas, neither of us regrets what happened as without it we might not have had the wake up calls we needed to put us back on track but it would have been nice to avoid all the heartache to get here!

Only you will know what is and isnt right for you all Im saying is the grass isnt always greener! Im glad you wont be moving straight in with your new man this was a very bad move for me, take some time to be you and to find what you want and need for yourself if thats this bloke great but you might just suprise yourself! I tried to pick fights with my partner so he would split up with me saving me the hastle but the only way is to be honest you owe him that at least, good luck I really hope it all works out for you!

 

[Emma58]

I was in this position this time 2 years ago, my partner ended up finding out about the other man by accident it was very messy and I hurt him alot I wish I had found the courage to give him the dignity of being told first hand what was going on before he had the shock of finding out for himself! Also the other man turned out to be not as genuine as he first seemed, not always the case but ask yourself what kind of man is happy to steal another mans wife or takes advantage of a woman at her lowest, is he really interested in your horses or will that interest fade when he has what he wants? Will he trust you not to cheat on him knowing how you cheated on your husband?

I am sorry to be looking on the negative side but I made a big mistake and am lucky enough to be back with my partner and getting married next xmas, neither of us regrets what happened as without it we might not have had the wake up calls we needed to put us back on track but it would have been nice to avoid all the heartache to get here!

Only you will know what is and isnt right for you all Im saying is the grass isnt always greener! Im glad you wont be moving straight in with your new man this was a very bad move for me, take some time to be you and to find what you want and need for yourself if thats this bloke great but you might just suprise yourself! I tried to pick fights with my partner so he would split up with me saving me the hastle but the only way is to be honest you owe him that at least, good luck I really hope it all works out for you!

I agree with you on this just be sure you know this other guy will be there for you or you are prepared to cope alone.

I am still with the guy I met I never knew if he would hang around or if our relationship would work. Thankfully it has and we have been through some really messy, tough times and often almost split up.
But I know after everything that has happen he must really love me and I am really lucky to have found someone I love so much.

 

[Pappadog]

Well I did it................. about three weeks ago and very happy now .

I've put a new post up as I need help with divorce.

 

[Emma58]

I was only wondering about you the other day.

I'm glad you came to a decision - I hope you will be very happy