rant about horrible situation

[BumbleTumble]

everything has been building up for so long i just need to let it out somewhere!

i have long term problems with mental health, i have spent most of the last 8 years in hospitals.
i got pregnant while i was in a supported housing placement. since then, things get better and then worse.

the dad doesnt want to know. at all. i moved from London to Eastbourne and then back to Hertfordshire.
i was on a psychiatric ward from January to March and then in supported housing, and now back on the ward, all because i went to see a friend without telling them where i was going.
i have been here for over a week now and they want to move me to the mother and baby unit because its safer for me.

i am homeless, my mum is supportive but i cant go home because of my step dad. i am on benefits and have filled in the forms for housing but that could take ages to process.

i am very worried about everything. i had always imagined that when i had a baby i would be in a relationship and have a job and a stable home and finances.
but instead everything is all messed up.

im trying to get qualifications while i cant work, so when i they say i can work it will be easier to get a job.
im just so worried about everything, and i feel really horrible and selfish. i feel awful that i might not be able to give my daughter all the stability she needs.

i have wonderful family and friends, and a lot of support from various professionals. i am involved with social services, but they have no concerns other than the risk of me becoming unwell again (touch wood, wont happen)

sorry for the rant, i really needed to get it out somewhere.

 

[Leah04x]

Sorry to hear things haven't gone how you wanted them to lovely!
But at the end of the day, your little baby will love you unconditionally anyway! As long as she's got a roof over her head, food in her belly and clothes on her back, she will be one happy baby..
Even though you're not in the most ideal situation at the moment, you're still doing things to better yourself! Which I think is amazing, as you find a lot of people who can't be bothered to study for extra qualifications, and don't want to look for work.
Things haven't necessarily worked out in the right order, but it will all slot into place!
You really should be proud of yourself - bringing a baby into the world (especially with the dad not wanting to know), doing your best to keep yourself on track, studying to better yourself and having your LOs best interests at heart!
There certainly is no reason why you should be feeling selfish and horrible at all!!

xx

 

[BumbleTumble]

thankyou very much
i am actually crying because your reply was so lovely! (thats what you get when you cross hormones with emotionally unstable personality disorder!)

i just want things to be perfect! i think everyone wants that for their children.
i know things are not going to be perfect, but id like them to be, well, less shit!!

 

[Flips4]

I just wanted to agree with Leah, sweetie your already streets ahead in the fact that you so obviously love your baby girl and want the best for her!!!! I know your situation isn't ideal but by wanting to make it better your doing just great! Xxx

 

[Leah04x]

I can understand that you want everything to be perfect, but the fact you are so concerned about your baby's upbringing and start in life shows how much you care already!
Sorry I made you cry lovely!! But it's true..
You've nothing to be ashamed of at all!
Keep your chin up..
I'm here if you ever need a chat xx

 

[BumbleTumble]

don't worry, it was good tears!

thankyou both for your replies. really means a lot.

im really hoping things fall into place soon.
does anyone know how long it usually takes a housing application to go through?

 

[Leah04x]

Erm well me and my OH are in the process of waiting for an application for housing benefit to go through.. I'm out of work at the minute, and my OH is struggling a bit on the work front so we are eligible for some help with paying the rent..
Where we are, the process time from start to finish is around 3 weeks xx

 

[BumbleTumble]

3 weeks isn't too bad.

it is really hard to get work now.


i have almost finished my home college course, will get the last module done before Jasmine arrives (providing that she doesn't decide to make an appearance in the next couple of days!)
the grade for my last module was an 'A', so am very pleased, and hopefully will be easier to get a job when i can work.
bit of a pointless story, but anyway!

 

[Lolly85x]

I agree with what the others have said.
Just because things don't work out the way you planned doesn't mean that your not going to be a fantastic mum. I think they fact that you are accepting the help, and know that you want to better yourself. And yeah wouldn't it be lovely in an ideal world to have everything perfect for baby coming... But realistically who does, your not on your own there... My baby wasn't planned, and ideally I'd like some thing to be different. But we have to make do with what we have. A loving mummy, who cares for her is all she needs.
Try and not be so hard on yourself. You need to look after yourself and do what's best for you and baby xxx