Pregnant with Twins and in need of advice

[ilovetreacle]

Hi all, I'm new to this but feeling really flat at the moment and could do with a chat. I'm 5 months pregnant with twins which I am over the moon about. I have been with my partner for 7 years with whom I am pregnant. It has never been easy really, he had an affair for a year which caused a lot of damage between us. We got over that but he still played the field and got caught most times. Anyway I'm not really here to talk about that but it gives you an idea of how our relationship has been and somehow we have always got back together. I am well aware that it is not ideal but he has promised he has changed etc etc so I am doing my best to believe him.
We split late last year because I went through his phone one morning. Again seeking attention anywhere possible because we had problems. Facebook, dating websites, texts, one was with a friend of 20 years. Needless to say I threw him out, again.
I was 34, managing around 40 staff, highly stressed but worried that my time was running out to have children due to my Mum going through early menopause at 27. But balanced with our relationship troubles didn't feel it fair to bring a child into it.
Anyway after throwing him out a friend visited a few weeks later to break the news that a week after he had been thrown out he had got a one night stand pregnant. It was the undoing of me and I slowly lost it and had a nervous breakdown. I ended up losing 2.5 stone, my long hair fell out and I couldn't be around children without passing out and having panic attacks. This was in Nov 11 and a few months later in March 12 I walked out of a highly successful job after 18 years as I couldn't cope.
I was drinking alot, taking anti depressants, Valium and never eating. My best friend gave it to me full barrell one day and called me some names that I can never find it in me to forgive. Maybe it was being cruel to be kind but it was unnecessary and unforgivable. At this point I was at such a low ebb and me and my ex got back together again.
I took it day by day knowing that the other baby was nearly due then a month after we got back together found out I was pregnant myself, with twins! I am over the moon, really I am, it was totally unexpected and I would have wished for better circumstances but it is all slowly falling into place.
The other girl has had the baby now and they made the decision, well she did, that my partner would not be involved but pay maintenance. And so he should.
I think eventually they will see one another, she lives a few streets away from me which I only found out the other day. Anyway this is not my battle to fight, I just want a healthy pregnancy with none of the stress from before. The baby is now about 3 months old and my partners Mum called last night saying she wanted to start a relationship with the baby and to visit etc.
I feel so angry that after all the upset, it has been resolved for the time being. The mother does not want my partner in the baby's life at the time being but his Mum is a control freak and does not feel this is right.
I have spent this evening arguing, again, with my other half trying to get my point across that I can understand if he was to want access, but not his Mother. Don't get me wrong I do not agree with this situation one iota, I come from a broken home of 4 children and my Father never paid maintenance or came to visit.
I feel so angry that his Mum is now getting involved when we are just starting to get on. We are really excited about the twins and buying a new house and having addressed it with him tonight he has expressly said that if I say I am not happy about this situation to his Mum he will leave. He doesn't understand why I feel upset. She will get photos and update him on the child's life when in actual fact if it should be anyone meeting the child it should be him and not her.
I feel she should have some loyalty to me as his girlfriend of 7 years over a one night stand, and come to think of it so should he.
Sorry to have gone on, just feeling very low tonight and don't want to as I know the babies stress when I am stressed! Thanks in advance, Claire x

 

[Sammyxo]

Hey hun, firstly congrats on twins - and welcome to the twin club This forum will really help you get the support you need when you feel down, hope you pick up soon.

It sounds like you and your partner have gone through a hell of a ride and there are a lot of boundaries and trust issues that need to be built back up. I have to say every relationship has it's rocky paths, I can't deny that me and my partner haven't broken up in the past over things and had our issues, but we love each other and are willing to make it work. It sounds like your partner wants things to work and he wants to be a good partner/dad to your twins.

As for this other child that happened through a one night stand, it is obviously up to your partner whether he wants to be in the childs life. You said that the mother has told him not to be involved and he will just agree to pay maintenance which is fine but sad for the child who didn't ask to be created and brought into the world without a dad so I do hope that at some point they do meet, especially as the child lives so near.

When it comes to your partners mum and her involvement with the child, I have to say that to me she does have every right to want to see her grandchild. If your partner has chosen not to be involved (or at least agreed with the mum that for the time being he is not involved) then that is his choice, but a grandparent has rights too. You need to try and not be offended that she wants to meet her sons child even if you don't like the circumstances of how the child came about. You say she should be 'loyal' to you but she is not choosing this woman who your partner had a one night stand with over you, she is wanting to see the innocent child involved who is of blood relation to her.
Once your twins are born she'll be just as eager (if not more so) to meet them.

Sorry if I've got the wrong end of the stick, maybe I've read your situation wrong, but it seems like you just want to move on with your lives and prepare for your twins without any thought of this other baby. I get that it's been so difficult, I'd be devastated and maybe even feel the same way and just want to start a life moving on from the past. But this is one mistake that can't be forgotten and so the only thing you can do is ask not to be involved in any discussion regarding the other baby.

If your partners mum wants to be involved with her grandchild she shouldn't need to share everything with your partner (unless he wants to know), and if she does then it should be discreetly done when you aren't around. That way it won't be so hard on you. Tell your partner that you're still so hurt by the situation and you don't want to hear about the child at all, if him/his mother want to visit/talk about the other child then they do it when you are not around.

It seems that because your partners mum has chosen to see this child that is like a slap in the face to you as though she chose this woman over you. Please try and change your thought process as this is really not the case like I said before she just wants to see a baby that is of blood relation to her. I hope you can accept that as difficult as it may be. Make a pact with your partner that both he & she do not talk about this baby around you, surely they would do that realising the pain it has caused you. I think in time all will be much better. xx

 

[ilovetreacle]

Thanks Sammy, I really appreciate your advice and the time and effort spent doing it! I've never been on a forum before so not really used to it.

Everything you said is true, I couldn't agree more. Thanks again and I'll try and change my way of thinking about the situation xx

 

[Sammyxo]

big hugs to you, i know it'll be so hard. focus on your gorgeous twins and your happy little family that you're going to have. think of the positives and hopefully everything won't seem so bad. probably doesn't help being pregnant and hormonal anyway. xxx

 

[VikkiR]

Jeez you have a lot to contend with! Congratulations on your babies it aggrevates me that some men are so insecure they look for attention from anyone and everyone. They are sad little boys who are utterly irresponsible and when challenged usually turn the tables and say its the woman's fault for not loving them enough. His mother sounds a nightmare and to be quite honest I think it's your time to be selfish, or rather self-ful. Do whatever it is you need to do hun, I wouldn't feel guilty or be pressurised into anything. This is a time for you to be looked after and nurtured by people you trust and those that love you. I imagine you feel betrayed on many levels and that's hard to deal with alone, without the pregnancy hormones and that you're probably feeling vulnerable. You certainly don't need the stress and your focus needs to be on you and your beautiful lo's. I'd sever all contact and make it clear future communication will be construed as harassment and that you will log future contact and contact the police. You only need make any decisions as and when you feel you are able to with a clear mind. Good luck hun and stay strong xxxx

 

[ilovetreacle]

Thanks for that Vikki. Feeling guilty now that I should consider his Mum's feelings in all this and of course the baby he has with the other girl. I just feel I don't want to worry about all this right now, I've got something I'm really happy about and again there is another stress to contend with. That sounds awful but I didn't ask for any of this and just want this to be about me and my babies/pregnancy for now. I asked his mother for help once after we got engaged and he stayed out at a house party overnight with a friend and 2 girls! I said please can you have a word, this is crazy we have just got engaged. Her answer was I don't want to be dragged into your problems. I suppose after that I kept her at arms length really which makes me more angry that she is pushing seeing the new baby so much. I could understand if it was my partner really but at this moment in time feel that she shouldn't be interferring so we can all sort it out together, and in our own time. She left my partner when he was little with his 3 sisters and ran off with a millionaire. My OH was bought up by his Dad with no money, clothes etc and it is only really now his Mum wants to know him so I don't really have the utmost respect for her as a Mother but have never made my feelings shown as I don't want to upset my OH. Anyway thankyou for your reply, it's much appreciated! xx

 

[VikkiR]

You're welcome hun anytime chin up xx

 

[Sammyxo]

Thanks for that Vikki. Feeling guilty now that I should consider his Mum's feelings in all this and of course the baby he has with the other girl. I just feel I don't want to worry about all this right now, I've got something I'm really happy about and again there is another stress to contend with. That sounds awful but I didn't ask for any of this and just want this to be about me and my babies/pregnancy for now. I asked his mother for help once after we got engaged and he stayed out at a house party overnight with a friend and 2 girls! I said please can you have a word, this is crazy we have just got engaged. Her answer was I don't want to be dragged into your problems. I suppose after that I kept her at arms length really which makes me more angry that she is pushing seeing the new baby so much. I could understand if it was my partner really but at this moment in time feel that she shouldn't be interferring so we can all sort it out together, and in our own time. She left my partner when he was little with his 3 sisters and ran off with a millionaire. My OH was bought up by his Dad with no money, clothes etc and it is only really now his Mum wants to know him so I don't really have the utmost respect for her as a Mother but have never made my feelings shown as I don't want to upset my OH. Anyway thankyou for your reply, it's much appreciated! xx

Ugh what a horrible woman! from the sounds of things I would cut all ties with her and tell your OH he can have a relationship with her but that you don't want one. If she wants to see the other child that's fine but let her not ever talk about it with you. Sorry you're going through this, you don't need this stress xxx

 

[littlemuffin]

Don't. Feel guilty about your feelings, your on overdrive hormonal.
I would just say, have all the contact you want, but I don't want to hear about it, I don't want contact, and let's leave it at that.

You have been through so much. Look after yourself. X

 

[Humesy]

I think you sound like you have sense. At the same time this baby will never go away, and I personally would find it easier to accept the situation and get on with it.

My mil dotes on my son. It's surprising how much love a grandparent can feel for their grandchild and because of her son being irresponsible I don't think she should be deprived of that relationship if she is willing to step up for the child.

That said, I don't envy your situation as I would find it extremely difficult xx

 

[Mellymoomin06]

Sorry to hear about all the hurt you have been through hun, but like the others have said you and ur gorgeous twins are the most important right now. U certainly dont need the stress! Let us know how you are getting on as havent seen you around on the forum much...big hugs to u xxx