Pregnant and stressed out about relationship with own mother

[Maria85bb]

Hi everyone!

I would just like to ask for a general piece of advice as I'm right now a little overwhelmed.
I'm 33 years old, currently pregnant second trimester so far so good, and needing some advice about relationship with own mother.
I don't like talking it about this with friends or family as I feel I'm somehow "criticizing" my mum.

I live with my husband in our own flat, but since my mum got retired almost 3 years ago, she has taken on the habit of "helping" us since we both work. Meaning, she comes and cleans our home, shops at the supermarket randomly whatever she thinks we might like and leaves the receipt for us to pay her back.
I feel we have lost our space and our adulthood as my mum comes and goes in our flat as she pleases.
It's true that she always comes whenever we are not there, so it's as if our home is always magically clean and tidy.
However, I have tried many times telling her that we can manage, but she keeps on going back to her own way after just a few days of "peace".

What would you guys do? Would you also feel down about this?
Thanks for the advice if any one has got some

 

[Radleycat]

Tricky one. When I lived in my old house years ago, I literally had to build a back gate and fence to stop my mum from just wandering in unannounced into my kitchen at any time of day. That said, like yours, my mum was an absolute gem and would help me with anything at the drop of a hat.

Is your mum a little lonely? Maybe she needs some hobbies or other friends so she does stuff with other people and for herself rather than just for you all the time? Also it may be her way of keeping in your life and her way to be around and fell wanted. Do you see her much and do things other than just at your house? I found with mum, once I made time to do things and see her specifically and rang her more, rather than her just doing stuff for me - our relationship improved millions. I'd also say that when I was fully honest with her about my life at the time we because closer, like we met in the middle somehow.
Just a thought. I think you are going to have to speak to her either way but doing stuff with her will help, I'm sure

 

[Donna88]

It is a difficult one. I agree maybe she is really lonely and feeling a bit lost for what to do with herself during the day so does that to make herself feel useful.

However you do need to have boundaries. Could you speak to her and say you would much rather you arranged for her to do something with you rather than coming in and doing stuff for you because you'd rather spend some time with her. When baby first gets here you might appreciate her doing some cleaning for you.

I think you need to speak to her and get to the bottom of why she is doing it. She may be worried that you don't need her anymore and that you'll stop spending time with her and talking to her; so she's making herself useful and needed.

Good luck I hope you manage to get this sorted

 

[Elize]

Can I ask how it is that she was given a key to the place? Was it for emergencies?
Because what she's doing is interrupting your lives, and it's both possibly thoughtful and rude for her to 'help' with shopping if you've not asked. I agree with the person who posted above, she sounds lonely.
Now if it was my mom I'd change the locks, even though I love her. She doesn't have a key to our place, even though my husband's mom does. When we went on vacation once or twice and asked my mom to water the plants and feed the cats, she slept over a bunch and just lived there, using our wifi. When we got home one time we had ants because she was throwing treats all over the house for the cats to find.
So I guess it depends on the level of trust you have in her ability to respect what is your space. If she doesn't respect it, then it has nothing to do with what sounds nice. Up to you to determine if she's really trying to help you or not.

 

[MissKW]

This sounds like a nightmare, although I would enjoy the house being clean and tidy when I got home like that lol!
Personally I would never give my parents a key to the house, especially my mum or my mil as they would be like that along with snooping. My dad and fil however are fine and we leave keys with them if we go away.
I would sit her down and have a word, just explain that whilst you are extremely greatful and love that shes so willing to help out, you need some space and privacy as well as the opportunity to spend your money on what you want rather than what your given. Hopefully she will understand.
Instead I would arrange days to spend time with her and go places together. It does sound like she's a little bored and needs something to occupy her time. This would give her something to look forward to without invading your privacy etc. I do this with my own mum and do enjoy our bit of time, we go out and find a nice little cafe so we can sit and enjoy a cake and drink and go for a steady walk with the pram or do some shopping, which gets us both out of the house.