OH has girl 'friends'

[Colourmeblue]

Hi everyone,

Sorry just need to get things off my chest and get other people's point of view.

Me and OH have been ttc since june. for the past few weeks we have been having a lot of problems tho, and at the moment things are so bad that im staying at my mums and he is staying at his family. (we live together).

The latest problem is him and his girl 'friend'. Some girl who apparently he has been friends with for about 10 years now wants to meet up with him and catch up over lunch. And he sprung this on me yesterday and wondered if I was ok with it. I went flipping mental!!!! - He hasnt seen this girl for 5 years and now out of the blue they want to meet up for lunch, without me!!!! - am i being paranoid or reasonable?

i know every so often they text eachother, just a hello and how have u been, but now they wanna meet up.

ps, he has a history of messing around behind my back, sending inappropriate messages to two girls we both work with. We split up over that, and when we got back together I made it clear i wasnt happy with his girl 'mates' anymore, but he just doesnt get it, or maybe he just doesnt care, cos here we go again

 

[LoopyLouize]

Personally I would not be ok with it! The fact that your not allowed to be involved is not fair. If this girl is such a "good" friend to him then shouldn't you be introduced officially to her? X

 

[Kayelle]

I wouldnt be happy with that even if he hadn't done what you said at the end! It seems wierd for them to meet over lunch , if it was just a mate they wouldn't really set such a thing up and would be you aswell . I think you have every right to be upset!

 

[Hope81]

Well I suppose it depends of how much you trust him....
I wouldn't have a problem for my oh to meet an old friend but I completely trust him.
Considering though that you don't seem to trust him firstly I wouldn't TTC anymore with him until I solve all those issues.

 

[Colourmeblue]

Thanks ladies,

I have trust issues, yes definately, but even more so after what happened with him texting those girls. And after a long battle to get our relationship back on track, id have thought he understood where i was coming from by now, but he doesnt.

This girl has text him before, and he has text her and he has pretty much always told me about it. A couple of times he has suggested us all meeting up, me included, but my answer has always been that i dont agree in him having female friends, but have told him before that if he really wants then, id go and meet her. but yesterday out of the blue, he had arranged to meet her all by himself without me. Once he saw my reaction, he said he wouldnt go since i was so upset, but at that point that wasnt really the point anymore. The problem for me is that he WANTS to go and see her.

 

[lisey27]

I agree with the others, I wouldnt like this either and I wouldnt be ok with it. If it was a girl "friend" that he had seen recently and was in contact with regularly as in they are good friends then I would be fine with it. My OH has friends that are girls but I have to say, he doesnt meet them for lunches etc.
With his history of txting other women I can understand how you feel and why you are not happy about it. I wouldnt be either but I do think men should be able to have female friends as well as women being able to have male friends, it is about trust but I can totally understand why you are finding it hard to trust him...I think that if you are not happy about it, he shouldnt go or maybe you could go along as a compromise x

 

[Mellymoomin06]

Nope i wouldnt be happy with this. Like another lady said if he had regular contact with her and u knew her etc, maybe!! But no...!! xxx

 

[SarahCarps2be]

My DH has a girl "friend" also...
He's never done the dirty on me or been secretive towards me in the slightest...

He works with this girl and they regularly go for coffee at lunch and stuff, which I'm fine about - even if I was to say no hed go do it anyway so I don't see the point in getting funny about it.
The way I see it is that if he's open about it and can talk to u about seeing her and stuff that's ok...

Its when they do it secretively that I think there's need to worry.....

However, being in ur position where you know he's been talking to other girls innapropriately before - I would feel anxious about the situation also :/ xxx

Sent from my BlackBerry 9900 using Tapatalk

 

[LikeJohnnYoko]

Okay, whilst I understand that he has done the dirty before on you with women, I think it's unreasonable to have conditions meaning he cannot have any female friends. This is because by doing so you make them forbidden fruit and heaven knows he'll probably end up desiring them more. Also, saying you can't do something isn't going to fix the trust issue here.

If you feel you cannot trust him with women, I also honestly wouldn't be TTC with him until you have properly repaired the trust issues in your relationship because pregnancy and hormones will amplify them and it would be incredibly hard for you to keep your relationship going through that.

I would also be not TTC until the problems you've been having lately have been resolved

On a personal note, I have lots of male friends, and although my husband doesn't at the moment, he has had close female friends in the past. I've got no problem with that at all, and he has no problem with my male friends, as they're no threat to our relationship.

 

[MrsR]

I have to agree with LJY here. My husband and I have male and female friends, and although we've had issues in the past that have lead me to be wary of female friends I would never tell him he couldn't have one. By doing so I would make myself a hypocrite as my closest friend (after DH) is male! You have to learn to trust him again, give him a chance and if you can't, you have to figure what that means for your relationship.

 

[Jayceesmumma]

I agree with lyj.. Going on his past and stuff.. I'd go meet her to put ur mind at ease.. Also I wouldn't be TTC with someone I don't trust 100%

 

[Colourmeblue]

Thanks for all your post ladies, helps to get an opinion other than my own.

The latest is that he has told me i am more important than any of his friends, and if it makes me this uncomfortable then he wont see her. Now I feel bad that im not 'letting him' see this friend, but at the same time I just dont believe in male/female friendships, and I cant pretend to be ok with it. He feels like he cant win cos either way I am moaning, but for now we have agreed to disagree. He thinks it ok to have male/female friendships, and I dont.

I am sure this will come up again, either that or he will just hide all future contact with this girl from me, cos he doesnt want to have another blazing row like we just did.

 

[redbear]

I think that by stopping him having female friends your making it so if he doesn't want to loose his friend he has to lie to you and see her on his own, if he wanted to sleep with this friend wouldn't he have done it a long time ago? Before you i mean?

Maybe OH will have no female friends and all will be fine... but the problem is if he has lost friends because of you years down the line he may resent that about you.

If you chose to forgive him and get back with him after what he did you really need to actually forgive him and move on, if you cant do that then i really wouldnt start TTC
Sorry if im too harsh x

 

[Colourmeblue]

Thanks Redbear, no your not too harsh. What you said is exactly how i feel. So many hurtful things have been said between us the past few days, that all my thoughts are a bit jumbled up. Apart from this, we have other problems and even more that has stemmed out of this argument. I think ttc is a very bad idea at the moment

 

[redbear]

I think if you read other conversations on here about how hard a baby makes a relationship you will see that it won't do you any harm to put it on hold for a short while. It could just be a couple of months but make a massive difference to your relationship. Maybe have a break from the stress of ttc, talk about all your issues together and see if you can work it out, then take things slow for a little while until your relationship is strong again.
Maybe suggest to OH instead of saying no female friends that you just say you dont want them meeting up alone because it makes you feel left out and if he wants her as a friend he will have to involve you. She could be one of those friends you only see at group parties that way.
I really hope that no matter what happens your happy xx

 

[Jayceesmumma]

Agree with redbear hun I hope everything works out

 

[Colourmeblue]

Well we are trying to mend things. So once things are a little calmer, I might bring up the whole friend thing again and see if we can come to a compromise cos the last thing i want is for him to feel the need to hide things from me.

Thanks for all your support xx

 

[Colourmeblue]

To make things a million times worse, I stupidly got my family involved the night this all blew up. The OH and i had a massive argument over this friend, he blew his top and said he was leaving. All this was over the phone, and I was at my mum and dads at the time. I went completely hysterical when OH told me he was leaving, and left my mums, got in my car and just drove away. Then OH calls my dads house asking where I am, and at that point my dad completly blasted him over the phone, calling him all the names under the sun. Calling him a cheat, and calling him names.

The thing is before all this OH and my family got on great, we've even been on holidays together. Now OH is saying he is 'done' with my dad, after the way my dad spoke to him.

Honestly, I want to escape. Love him too much to leave him, but there are so many problems between us, i dunno how to move forward

 

[redbear]

Its hard but they will get there eventually. if oh wants to work things out put your dad on the back burner for a short while then mention it again to him. he must realize your his little girl and so he is going to be over the top. x

 

[Colourmeblue]

Redbear, ur so great. Thank you, that sounds really reasonable. Just hope that with time, things will get better xx