OH driving me MAD!!!

[Bee7]

Urrrrghh i'm so annoyed and confused about what to do about my OH. I say OH but actually we aren't even properly 'together'. We had a 2 year relationship and lived together but we split up about a year ago. We had a lot of problems, mostly which revolved money and his lack of common sense with it. We also had some pretty firey rows as two people who have strong tempers and different attitudes on quite a lot of things. In the end it was the money situation that split us up, he had debts, no ability to budget and a problem with gambling. All of this put huge pressure on me to pay the rent/bills/food etc and it all became too much so we split and both moved back to our parents.

We didn't speak for a while but gradually exchanged a few txts and got back in contact again. We started seeing each other 'casually' which i know was a pretty silly thing to do but we did seem to get on so much better when we werent living together. Anyway this went out for around 6 months and then lo and behold, just recently i find out i'm pregnant. Totally unplanned obviously.

So now here's the dilemma. Do we get back together or not? I actually can't fault the way he's been so far. He's really happy about the pregnancy and is full of enthusiasm about us being a 'family'. He's also promised to clear his debts, quit gambling and give me money each month to put towards our savings. In general we do get on ok but occasionally have these rows that start off as nothing more than a disagreement and turn into a horrible slanging match where we both say awful things....the most recent of which occurred about 3 minutes ago hence the rant!

I really don't know what to do for the best. I'd like us to sort things out but sometimes i just worry about whether or not we'll ever be compatible and i don't want a child to grow up around horrible rows. I also don't want to find myself relying on him for money because even though he has all the best intentions, i'm not 100% sure if i can trust him where money is concerned. I suppose the good thing is that i have 7 months to figure out whether or not we can sort things out and to see if he can really prove himself with money, before i have to make a decision about moving out/living together. Sorry for the epic rant ladies, has anyone else been in a similar situation? xxx

 

[hellywelly]

I think you just have to put baby first. Could you do it on your own in a polite, calm household with a more distant but better relationship with the baby's father, or would it be better for the baby to grow up in a household with both a mum and dad, BUT potentially very toxic atmosphere. Difficult one...

 

[roxane 1985]

personally i would leave things the way they are, build up a basic relationship again where your not together but maybe go out once a fortnight together not as a date or anything but just time for you both to get usd to each other again, see how that goes

if you both feel that feelings are still there then sit down and calmly talk about what you both expect and need from each other

then i would do a trial 3 months of being together - not living together but just taking it easy dont spend too much time in each others pockets

if that all goes well then slowly increase the time together maybe have him stop over two nights a week

doing things gradually like we give you both a chance to learn how to be round each other again and see if each other has made the changes that they said they would make - if it doesnt work out at least youve not got the hassle of someone having to move out etc etc,

dont feel that you have to be together jsut for the sake of the baby, you can both still bee great parents but make a bad couple

a relationship is hard enough as it is but throw a baby in the mix and its just a whirl wind

 

[Binzy]

Wow, I think Roxanne's suggestion is spot on. Don't rush into anything, it's lovely that he wants to be involved but don't go back to living together just cos you're pregnant, you don't need the extra stress.
I hope it all works out for you.

 

[roxane 1985]

Wow, I think Roxanne's suggestion is spot on. Don't rush into anything, it's lovely that he wants to be involved but don't go back to living together just cos you're pregnant, you don't need the extra stress.
I hope it all works out for you.

im like Oprah lol

 

[BevG]

try what i do, when your angry and having a disagreement, take 5 and try to stay in control. never say anything that you dont mean or would want to take back later. do not say things just to hurt the other person either. if necessary go for a walk til you have calmed down.

maybe if u can get your OH to agree to do these things too you could take a trial as ppl can change but only if they really want to.

 

[Bee7]

Bev that's really good advice and i've promised myself i'll do it so many times before but somehow he'll say something to me that will enrage me and then words (usually of a four nature variety) pop out before i can stop them. I'm no angel, i've said some horrible things but it's as though he brings out a side of me that's really nasty. I don't want my child exposed to that.

It's sad cos he's a good guy deep down and if we could get past a few problems i know we'd be good together but we can never just have a disagreement, it always has to lead to a massive row. Just don't know what to do for the best

 

[BevG]

well it takes two, ive often found that when im arguing with someone if i dont say anything nast and dont shout or say unnecessary hurtful things then they dont do it as much either. i just never want to say anything i dont mean as it cant really be taken back once its said. i think if you laid it out and got him to agree to it too it might help.
if nothing else you have to realise that everyone argues sometimes. my mum and dad have the odd row and man can my mum storm off in style lol, wheelspins and everything in her jeep, they always saved it for when we were in bed or went in another room, then they had to keep their voices down and not lose it as they didnt want us to be affected. i find that it takes me a long time to give up on a relationship and i will try everything before admitting defeat. it cant hurt to try after all. if you never try then you will always wonder if it would have worked, if you try and fail then you havent lost anything. just agree that if its not working to end it amicably

 

[Sarah13]

Maybe take things very slowly just now and test the water like Roxanne said, a baby can't always heal the problems it can often make them a lot worse which is what happened to me. Me and my daughters father are not compatible what so ever, we used to have massive rows about everything which is not a good place to bring up a child so we split when she was 2. we're both good parents and my daughter has never missed out from us not being together, she sees him whenever she wants (she's 14 now) and when she was little we came to a regular arrangement so she saw him all the time. Luckily she can't remember the rows or us together and even jokes that she can't imagine us ever together we're so opposite!

 

[suzzi]

i would carry on seeing him, keep him involved with baby, but let him know that until he starts clearing his debts and sorting finances out then you wont be living together.

if he is serious he will try his best to show you, he could even put some money in an account for baby .

i have a friend whose BF is in serious debt and although she isnt pregnant has sat him down worked out a way for him to pay his debts off, which he stuck to, and he has now moved in with her, things are good and hes kept to his word, they are looking at having kids in the future and she is more positive about the relationship now.