Officially WTT, unofficially hoping for a miracle

Sparrow87

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Hello, ladies, I am new here :wave: I don't really know why I registered, but I've been feeing the need to vent, since my situation is nothing like my friends have experienced, so none of them can really relate to me at the moment. The hubby and I have been together for 8 years and got married just 4 months ago, we are both 28 years old. I have always been terrified of getting pregnant, so we were always extremely cautious with protection, I was on the pill up till last year, after that we switched to condoms and just after the wedding decided to use the pull out method.

I had a minor pregnancy scare 2 months ago, which flipped some kind of switch in my head and suddenly I realized the timing may be right. So I went from one extreme to another. It came as a shock to my husband who said that it is still too early for him and he would be needing another year or two before we can TTC. He believes he could be doing better at his job if we wait a little longer, or so he tells me. I honestly think he is using this as an excuse because he is scared and I really shocked him with my change of heart. We always knew we weren't going to TTC right after the wedding, and I did beieve this... but now I am confused :eh:

I have no idea how I feel at the moment. I find myself secretly hoping that some kind of miracle would happen and I would accidentally get pregnant, so we won't have to go through all the decision-making and planning and honestly, I'd hate to face another rejection from him. When I confronted him about it and said that if he truly fears it so much, I probably should get back on the pill, because this is slightly riskier, he said it's ok and he has taken the risk into account. So he is NOT that terrified, but he'd rather just wait and see what happens.

I always thought when the time is right we would be on the same page, so now I am really confused and I don't know how I feel about this. "Alone" is one word for it. "In limbo" is another. He wants children, he believe we would be good parents, we have ticked all the boxes - decent income, big appartment, good jobs, age is good, timing seems right, yet... he is not ready. None of my close friends have experienced anything like this, most of them are at earlier stages of their relationships so they can't really relate to the problem. There is this one friend who got married last month and is now 6 weeks pregnant. She keeps talking about "her baby" and all the things she's going through with the pregnancy and it makes me feel hurt and jealous... I am happy for her but I do feel she could be a bit more considerate. After all she knows what I am going through. She was just so happy her husband was the one who suggested TTC and it feels sometimes like she's rubbing it in my face. I am so sorry for the long post, but I really needed to share with someone impartial. I can only hope I am not the only person in the world with such a "problem". It would really help to get some support from people who have gone through the same...
 
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Hi Sparrow87,

I completely understand where you are coming from. I've actually always wanted a baby and I've looked forward to the idea of being pregnant. Me and my OH married after 6 years together, but in the years before we were married I was always hinting. We actually had a couple of arguments over it because he said he'd regret not having children, but he didn't actively want them. He said he was scared and nervous at the thought. Absolutely nothing I said could change his mind. He basically told me he would have them at some point, but he couldn't see it being before we were 30.

Six months before our wedding I came off the pill I was using because I was getting side affects and it was causing varicose veins in my legs which were painful. We switched to condoms at this point.

I had decided to stop ever mentioning children to him, but whenever anyone else asked us about it I would just always say 'I'm ready, I'm just waiting for him!'. I actually went for over a year without saying anything more than this. It was actually another older couple in their 50s who we met on holiday, who gave us some advice about children, that changed his mind. He just said to me one day 'I've been thinking about what that couple said, and I think it would be okay to have babies sooner than later'.

I was shocked!

My point is this though. There was nothing I could do to convince my husband into wanting children sooner. I had to let him come to the decision on his own. You're definitely not the only person in the world with this problem.

My advice isn't that great so I hope someone comes along soon with some more for you! :hugs:
 
I think you probably shocked him, I know in an ideal world once you realised you were ready something would click with him as well, but that's rarely the case.

My husband was ready before me and him talking about it scared me massively, but after the initial shock of him saying ''I think now is the time'' I realised he was right. Maybe your husband just needs that moment as well.

It's also different for me, with the work thing maybe he is really worried about not being able to provide for you. I know you say you are in a position where you could and you will be right, but men think differently and it can be a pride thing if he feels he isn't providing for his family.

I hope he comes around to your way of thinking soon.
 
Thank you, CornishGirl and Donna88!It helps to know that I am not alone in this and other people have gone through it and survived :)

All I can do right now is wait and hope that at some point something will happen that would change his mind as well. My friends have all said pretty much the same - "You can't make him, you can't force him, he has to want it, or else you'll just scare him more". And I agree with them.

But it's just painful to see how we could be trying and we have all the boxes ticked, but he is just too scared right now. Sometimes I wake up with the nasty feeling that we are missing the perfect moment and maybe in a year or two it wouldn't be that perfect and what are we going to do then?

Thankfully we are still young, but I just really don't see the point in waiting for the sake of... well, waiting. Because "why now and not later?". :eh: I guess I just have to be patient. But I will need all the support, so thank you so much! :thanks:
 
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I know exactly how you feel on the why not later.... but these things happen for a reason and from what you've said I think he'll come round sooner than what he says. I think it was literally just the scare.

Before we got married I told my husband I wasn't sure if I wanted to at all, it was exactly how I felt at the time-I wasn't saying it to be cruel, in fact I said it because if that was how I was going to be I wanted to give him chance to ''get out'' and find someone who would have a baby with him. However when he said that he wanted a child, but that being with me was the most important thing to him, I sort of clicked and realised I did want to have a baby with him. (so sorry ladies it's not just men who flit and change their mind on these things, I'm terrible for it)

Anyway... sorry the point of this was, I sometimes look back and think we talked about it here and there what if we'd just said stuff it and started trying earlier, I'm sure we would still be very happy, but we have more going for us now and are in a better position.

Fingers crossed he won't keep you waiting much longer
 

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