No support :(

[newmumma]

Hey all, so I'm 19years old and my man is 38. I've just found out I'm pregnant,5+ weeks(unplanned)
We've been together 2 and a half years now. He has children from previous relationship,and has only recently re-connected with two of his children. Obviously I'm happy for him, but I feel like I've been put in a horrible situation. His children have given him an ultimatum,either me and our baby or them. (They are still young teenagers,hence the black and white thinking)
Although he's not said it in any words, I see the hurt in his eyes at the thought of losing two of his children, so I feel torn between what I want to do,and what would make them feel better. Basically, Is there anyone who can offer some reassurance that I shouldn't feel guilty. After all, it takes two to make a baby right!? Help

 

[Sparklegirl]

Guilty about what? Wanting to maintain your relationship and have the baby with him? Dont feel guilty- if he was dead set against it he would have ensured all possible forms of contraception were used to minimise the risk of finding himself in such a situation.

Am I right in thinking that he wasnt on speaking terms with his kids for the whole of your relationship? Its an unfair position of them to put him in but he needs to think properly- your child wont impact on them at all, its not like they have to raise the baby or live with him/her. What are you worried about the most?

 

[newmumma]

He wasn't on speaking terms for the majority of our relationship, but his kids decided they wanted to live with him,so not only have I had to leave my home for them,they are now putting me in this situation. My biggest fear is that my partner will resent the baby for coming between him and his other kids,which may just be me being anxious as its all happened so fast!

 

[Sparklegirl]

He wasn't on speaking terms for the majority of our relationship, but his kids decided they wanted to live with him,so not only have I had to leave my home for them,they are now putting me in this situation. My biggest fear is that my partner will resent the baby for coming between him and his other kids,which may just be me being anxious as its all happened so fast!

Have you had to move out of a place you shared with him so they could move in? That really does not sound fair- do they know about the baby yet? Could it be them resenting the fact that there is an age gap between you two? I think he is in a difficult situation but do talk to him about how he feels about it and how you feel about it, be honest with him regarding your worries so he knows exactly what you are thinking and feeling

 

[newmumma]

Yeah he's just told then about the baby and said they don't want to see him anymore,or live with him.
Yeah I had to leave a place we shared together for them,because they wanted their dad to themselves.
It just feels like its falling on deaf ears when I talk to him because as far as he's concerned they're the number one priority from now until forever,and it's like "hello? I'm carrying OuR baby )
Maybe it's just me being selfish or hormonal

 

[RainbowShower1]

You're definitely not being selfish and hormonal. It seems as though your OH is overwhelmed and doesn't quite know what to do. I think his kids need control and boundaries in their lives really because they're probably feeling hurt from the past years of not being in touch with their dad. They're lashing out. Maybe if you tried to talk to them yourself? Not in a horrible way, just calmly and in a way that isn't patronising. Take the upper hand, try and show you respect them and relate to the fact that they're frustrated, it's understandable, but explain that there has to be a balance and everyone needs to try and get along? Also try and make it clear that you're not trying to "steal" their dad or take attention away from them, and try to show you care about their relationship with their dad?

 

[newmumma]

They won't give me the time of day to even connect with then and explain that I'm not here to take their dad away.
I haven't really got any support from my OH because he's so busy spoiling them so they don't feel left out etc, but meanwhile,I'm 19, pregnant,terrified and completely on my own,and I'm starting to think I'm going to be raising the baby on my own. I want to sit and talk to him about it all but I don't get to see him because his other kids don't like it,which doesn't feel very fair.

 

[JD.Deedee]

Jesus Christ what a bunch of bratty kids and the way he's raising them and the relationship with their mom is clearly very disturbed. Because these kids are acting like it's them having their say not their parents. My mom let me move to my dad and back again and all it did was cause problems. I'm a stepmother too now with big age gap and I know my boundaries but if I would be kicked out of my own home and got into this situation with my OH I'd be making choices for myself, would've gone to the housing and claimed everything under the sun for single parent just to have that stability of my own home and just wait and see what he would do in terms of being being their for your child. His children are not going to be teenagers and live there forever and they most definitely haven't got anything to say about your baby growing in your belly! It takes time for them to grow up and feel embarrassed as to understand that this behaviour is absolutely unacceptable!

I wouldn't put too much pressure on babies dad now, he should understand that the behaviour of his kids is totally unacceptable but I can understand that he'd be anxious to lose his kids too if there's a lack of control towards them as it seems they do whatever pleases them. I don't think that if you'd get your own house and stuff that he'd leave you all to yourself as he's proven to be there for his other kids but I do think it would take of the pressure of feeling like its any of his other kids' business!

 

[Sparklegirl]

Where are you living at the moment? You need to be in a safe environment and it really isnt right that the kids have forced you out, they will be getting to an age where they might well be wanting their own independence and possibly a family of their own. They wouldnt have people interfering with them so its unacceptable that they are messing you about when you are pregnant with their half sibling. Very unfair of them. I hope you get some progress made soon