I know only I can make this decision, but I think it will help to talk about it here to neutral people. My husband is helpful but he won't tell me what to do because he wants me to feel free to decide for myself. This might be long because I need to add a little background information.
I have always been ambitious and had potential to do some really amazing things, but I tend to back out at the last minute for seemingly no reason. After high school I could have done a double major (I'm from America) at Juilliard and Columbia for flute and chemistry. Those are VERY good schools, but maybe I chickened out? I don't know... I was in a bad place mentally and took the first term off then moved to London and studied International Relations- not related at all, which is kind of telling for me. A few other (not as major) things like this happened then eventually I got into medical school here (my goal since I was a kid). I decided to study Anatomical Sciences instead. I justified this by saying I wanted a baby and that I would do that, wait until the baby is older than go to med school as a graduate. Last year I was told I could transfer into the med school after this year if I was still interested. I was. Then I had Jacob.
Now I am confused, and I don't know whether this is because I am a mother now and everything has changed, or because I am doing my usual thing of backing out when I am about to achieve something I have worked very hard for. Even though I have always thought I HAD to be a doctor in order to be fulfilled (I still kind of think that), part of me (that keeps getting bigger) now thinks that it isn't right for me. It takes a lot of time away from the family. There are options to train part time especially for parents, but the thought of being away from my family at all is starting to scare me. I can see myself being a stay-at-home mother and giving up my course all together.
We could afford to do this (we wouldn't be rich obviously but we would be okay) as we were going through a very rough patch but through a lot of strict budgeting, etc, have gotten back on track, but is it really what I want? I have always been really good at working and studying, and I like it. I have never been good at being a housewife (other than the organisation side of it)- probably because my mother wouldn't let me join in because she was very particular about having everything done HER way. I can cook and I used to be a neatfreak, but I am not good at the balancing everything and I will tend to just go overboard on one thing (like cleaning) and let other things slide. I guess that can be learned though.
My worries about if I do give up my medicine plans are that someday I will regret it and realise the potential I wasted, yet again (I still kick myself about the flute even though that was over ten years ago). My worries about medicine are that I will miss out on Jacob's life. I have always been the type to be busy all of the time and to be doing, if that makes sense. Now I'm just confused! I think I feel equally desperate to be a doctor and to just be a mother (just meaning only, not just in the sense of it not being much)!
I have always been ambitious and had potential to do some really amazing things, but I tend to back out at the last minute for seemingly no reason. After high school I could have done a double major (I'm from America) at Juilliard and Columbia for flute and chemistry. Those are VERY good schools, but maybe I chickened out? I don't know... I was in a bad place mentally and took the first term off then moved to London and studied International Relations- not related at all, which is kind of telling for me. A few other (not as major) things like this happened then eventually I got into medical school here (my goal since I was a kid). I decided to study Anatomical Sciences instead. I justified this by saying I wanted a baby and that I would do that, wait until the baby is older than go to med school as a graduate. Last year I was told I could transfer into the med school after this year if I was still interested. I was. Then I had Jacob.
Now I am confused, and I don't know whether this is because I am a mother now and everything has changed, or because I am doing my usual thing of backing out when I am about to achieve something I have worked very hard for. Even though I have always thought I HAD to be a doctor in order to be fulfilled (I still kind of think that), part of me (that keeps getting bigger) now thinks that it isn't right for me. It takes a lot of time away from the family. There are options to train part time especially for parents, but the thought of being away from my family at all is starting to scare me. I can see myself being a stay-at-home mother and giving up my course all together.
We could afford to do this (we wouldn't be rich obviously but we would be okay) as we were going through a very rough patch but through a lot of strict budgeting, etc, have gotten back on track, but is it really what I want? I have always been really good at working and studying, and I like it. I have never been good at being a housewife (other than the organisation side of it)- probably because my mother wouldn't let me join in because she was very particular about having everything done HER way. I can cook and I used to be a neatfreak, but I am not good at the balancing everything and I will tend to just go overboard on one thing (like cleaning) and let other things slide. I guess that can be learned though.
My worries about if I do give up my medicine plans are that someday I will regret it and realise the potential I wasted, yet again (I still kick myself about the flute even though that was over ten years ago). My worries about medicine are that I will miss out on Jacob's life. I have always been the type to be busy all of the time and to be doing, if that makes sense. Now I'm just confused! I think I feel equally desperate to be a doctor and to just be a mother (just meaning only, not just in the sense of it not being much)!
