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[A nony mouse]

so...I'm new here, this is my first post. I came across this forum for lots of reasons and I was just hoping to get some support and guidance. I'm sure my story will come out over time and I am looking forward to getting to know you in return.

I'm 26 and do not have any children yet - unless my husband counts?! We have been married for just over 3 years. We wanted to have a bit of married life to ourselves first. Now things are changing and well...I'm getting very scared.

I guess I'm just in need of a friend who will listen and not just hear.


x mouse x

 

[MrsR]

Hi! Welcome! This place is great for any worries and fears you might have and no one judges you for them! Hope you find it useful!

 

[munchkin1982]

hello and welcome! great name by the way and you have come to the right place for any help and advice you may need... and just for a laugh too xx

 

[evie_smith]

Hello and welcome hunni x


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[AislingC]

Hello and welcome everyone is really nice here

(love the name)

 

[Mummy2Adam]

Hello,

Welcome to the site x x


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[catty1]

Welcome, very intriguing post

Everyone on here is lovely and always ready to listen, advise or whatever you need.

Looking forward to getting to know you

x

 

[A nony mouse]

aaaaw shucks guys, thank you for the warm welcome. I'm loving it here already

so in brief, here is my situation...I have suffered from depression stress and anxiety (with some self injury and eating issues too) for over 15 years. 2 years ago I was hospitalized for depression and have been taking medication to help stabilize how I was coping and feeling.

I have recently come off my medication, partly because of the whole 'let's start a family thing' and partly because DH and my parents think that "surely I must be better by now and dont need to be on that medication anymore". In truth I was feeling much more stable and was willing to try to come off my meds, so I did and now I feel myself sliding back down. I am very anxious and feeling very self destructive and not really coping. I have gone past the withdrawal stage of the medication, but not really coping. I have some very well ingrained habits that are hard to break and I guess you could say that I am not really looking after myself very well right now.

I tried mentioning to DH and my parents that I'm not sure if it's quite the right time for me to be going cold turkey and my parents response "oh you are just having a bad day" (oh really do people who are just having a *bad* day have to hurt and harm themselves?!) and my DH, bless him, just doesnt really understand anything to do with mental health (ignorance is bliss if you ask me) and I find it really difficult to explain to him how bad I really do feel becuase it will just upset him and he is the last person on earth I want to hurt. So all in all, it doesnt look like going back on my meds is really an option without me disappointing the people I love and care about (I have real issues with that)

Anyway so howcome I have come onto PF? Here are the questions that are smashing around in my head all the time at the moment...

If I cannot look after myself right now - how can I look after another life?
I feel like such a failure - I dont want to fail another person
What if they inherit my screwed up mind? I wouldnt wish that on my worst enemy.
I freak out when I lose control over anything and how will I cope with losing control of my body
How will I cope with a changing body when I cant stand it the way it is
What if G-d forbid there was a problem with the baby?
Would my in laws ever leave me alone?!
I would love to have children, I love children, all my friends kids love me and I can really relate to kids of all ages, but what if I fail with my own?

I'm sorry, that wasnt such a brief post afterall. If anyone can identify with anything I am feeling and can help me put things into perspective and help me feel less alone and less of a freak, I would be so grateful.

thank you

x mouse x

 

[Princess81]

First off hiya and welcome.

You'll find all the advice and support you need from the girls here

Well it sounds like you have lots to consider at the moment. I think that it is important that you have acknowledged how you are feeling after coming off your meds, that is obviously the first step and one that you have taken before (hence you were on meds in the first place).

Have you considered counselling as an option? If you don't want to worry o/h with it, don't want to go back on meds and don't have very understanding parents then maybe talking to someone who is specially trained would help?

All your points on considering having a family are quite negative and I'm sure that's due to lack of self- belief. You never know, you may bloom during pregnancy, love every minute of it and it could be highly beneficial for your thoughts and energies to be channelled into something positive like a baby rather than going on another destructive cycle? Don't get me wrong, it's important to acknowledge how you feel at the moment, but try writing down all the good points about having a baby, rather than the bad ones and compare your lists.

As I mentioned earlier, try finding someone nearby who can help. Maybe your doc can refer you? xx

 

[flexilexi394]

hello and welcome!

You must really be struggling right now, completely understandable. and i think you are a very brave person to admit (even though we arent in person) that you know what you suffer with.
becoming pregnant is a scary thing in itself, even for the most sane person in the world! the thing with early pregnancy is that all these thoughts do swirl around for a while, and in my case ill be honest its only until recently ive felt steady about having this baby. its the questions that you ask yourself that youve just stated that makes it difficult.
Truth is, we are designed to do it and we all do it and manage no matter what! you would be a fab mum, and because of what youve been through yourself with everything, it would make you even more determined for your little one to be as safe and as well looked after as possible. youd probably surprise yourself!
but i dont know what those thoughts feel like myself that youre thinking about. chat with people on here for a while and you will really get help and all the reassurance you need! i have told people on here some of the deepest secrets i have and wouldnt dream of telling anyone i know! so you will prob find some real comfort in this forum.
Feel free to ask anyone anything and chances are you will get some pretty awesome helpful answers!
Im really rooting for you and hope everything goes well and you will be fine, with a family maybe sooner than you think!
as for parents, they are soooo annoying especially if they arent being very understanding. try and just think of yourself for a while. Mother in laws are a pain in the arse to and im not sure if mine will ever leave me alone either once ive had the baby. we will see!! good luck, catch you again sometime x

 

[Vickyxx]

Welcome to the site.

My best friend suffered from depression for many years and like you she took medication to help her deal with each day, she then discovered she was pregnant so stopped taking her meds which she was very nervous about doing as she had been on them for such a long time, but being pregnant made her feel so good about herself, her confidence grew, she was so much positive about life and it was so good to see.

Once the baby was born she managed to stay off her meds as all her time and focus was directed on her new baby. She was recently diagnosed with Bi Polar so has to take meds for these but she said getting pregnant was the best thing she ever did.

I hope that you make the right decision for you but dont be scared to take a chance as it could be the best thing you ever do x

 

[A nony mouse]

Thanks for the kind words guys

In response to Princess81, I'm sorry I left out some detail!! I have a psychaitrist who I have seen for years and he controls my medication and I also see a therapist who is wonderful and lovely. I've been seeing her for 2 years and I had dropped my sessions down to once every 6 weeks but at the moment because I am struggling I am seeing her once a week/once a fortnight. I dont know what I would do without that outlet sometimes!! And trust me, babies are a common topic at the moment!!!! Also I think you have summed me up completely, it really is my lack of self belief/esteem etc that makes me doubt myself.

To Flexilexi394, thank you for sharing that it freaked you out at first. It's also really encouraging that you say that you now feel well and comfortable. Also thank you for having faith in me and my abilities

Thank you for sharing about your best friend Vickyxx. It really helps to hear that other people who have had mental health struggles have really benefited from pregnancy and having a baby!


I guess you could put DH and me into the 'not preventing not trying' category at the moment. Time will tell I suppose

x mouse x