Nearly 17, suffered a loss, now what? (please read)

[BeautifulDream]

I'm in a bit of a rut at the moment and just clueless of what to do now. My story is posted in the loss section but i'll quickly go over it again so you know.. I'm 16, nearly 17. I've been with my boyfriend for nearly 3 years and cutting a long story short, we lost our baby at 8 and a half weeks but didn't find out until the 12 week scan. I then went along with the surgery and had baby removed when I would have been 13 weeks. We very first found out about our loss 19 days ago and I must admit, these past 19 days have been the hardest time i've ever had to live through (as it is for anyone who suffers a loss!) Me and my boyfriend had some things on our side too. We could fully support ourselves and our baby as we both work and we wouldn't have been living from paycheck to paycheck. Our baby would never have wanted for anything, put it that way. We loved our LO from the moment we knew of their existence and we always will. Everything has gotten so much easier as the days have gone on. I find myself smiling again like normal, and I do feel like my normal-ness has returned. I still have bad days sometimes and have my odd cries but not that often anymore, I just try and remember my baby as a little angel in heaven.

Anyway, my question is.. Should I wait years before trying again or try for another when we want to? I'll tell you why.. Firstly, I'm aware that i'm very young. Some girls would do physically anything to 'have a good time' and not get pregnant. I.e: sleeping around with anyone and everyone whilst partying every second of their life. I have been to my fair share of parties but if i'm being honest, it's just not me and that's not the way I want to live my life. People say 'travel' but that's what i've done every year since the age of two. I don't mean to sound like i'm bragging at all, but there's not many countries that I haven't been to. Me and OH have been on a couple of holidays together, we've done all that. Ofcourse our angel wasn't planned, we would never of dreamt of trying for a baby at our ages but when it happened and the shock died down, I was so happy. We both were. My OH never stopped talking about our baby and we even went out and brought £200 worth of baby stuff in babies r us through excitement (after we saw our baby and HB at 8 week scan). The most annoying thing that people say is 'live your life first' but that's what I want my life to be. My boyfriend and my baby *would* have been my life because in theory that's what i've always wanted deep down. Now that our babies gone, I find myself wanting this again so badly. It's not because we've just lost one and my heads all messed up right now because this IS what I want and I know i'm not feeling it because of what's happened. I'm feeling it because when we knew we was going to be parents, I was the happiest i'd ever been in my entire life and so was OH. I'm fully aware that babies are such hard work, they cost a lot of money and you can't just pick them up and put them down when you feel like it. Well that's what I want, my own little baby that's always there. Someone that I can spend all my time and money on, someone besides my boyfriend that I can base my life around and make them my whole world. It sounds stupid because i'm so young, I know. From the age of about 10, it was all I ever dreamed of. My own little family. We have 80% of it right now. We have our own place, we both have jobs, we have a car, we have money, we have a little dog, & me and my boyfriend have each other.. we adore one another and I can never see myself without him. We've tackled so much in the space of 3 years and still remain together. He's so special to me and I know a child would make us forget all the things we've been through together (they haven't been nice, and the loss has been worst of them all). Having a baby would give us a chance to move away from everything that's happened over the past 3 years and allow us to be a proper little family. I'm a family girl, maternal, whatever you want to call it. Not a party girl and "live it up" girl. Cuddling up on the sofa with my boyfriend and pup is my ideal saturday night, not doing what some nearly 17 year olds love to do.

Am i being stupid, or what? Mums, I need some answers! xx

 

[BabyBrain]

So sorry for your loss sweetie. It's totally up to you if you want to try again but have a word with your gp first. You may be older than your years mentally but physically you are still young and young bodies don't always carry babies very well (saying that I didn't do too well and I'm old lol). Give yourself time to heal physically and emotionally, talk it through with your OH and look at ways you can make your next pregnancy really healthy ie both taking vitamins etc

The best of luck to you both hun xxxxxxxxx

 

[katie_lou]

Hun only u will know when the time is right to try again ... I am do sorry for ur loss xxx

 

[tinytoes]

I am so sorry for your loss its a horrible thing to go through . I think it's important to ask yourself are you in a position to have a baby ? I say this because at seventeen I was totally unprepared financially and has no job, no home of my own and support I hope you feel better soon and give it some serious thought xx

 

[BeautifulDream]

So sorry for your loss sweetie. It's totally up to you if you want to try again but have a word with your gp first. You may be older than your years mentally but physically you are still young and young bodies don't always carry babies very well (saying that I didn't do too well and I'm old lol). Give yourself time to heal physically and emotionally, talk it through with your OH and look at ways you can make your next pregnancy really healthy ie both taking vitamins etc

The best of luck to you both hun xxxxxxxxx

I keep blaming myself for this pregnancy going wrong but my doctor has 100% assured me that it's basically never the persons fault why they miscarry. I took my pregnacare vitamins every day without fail, ate a mixed diet, no caffeine or fizzy drinks. I don't smoke or drink anyway so that wasn't a problem. In my opinion, I did everything right and i'd do the same again but worry that it would make me miscarry! Thankyou though xxxxx

Hun only u will know when the time is right to try again ... I am do sorry for ur loss xxx

Yeah I guess so. Thankyou xx

I am so sorry for your loss its a horrible thing to go through . I think it's important to ask yourself are you in a position to have a baby ? I say this because at seventeen I was totally unprepared financially and has no job, no home of my own and support I hope you feel better soon and give it some serious thought xx

I never thought i'd be living with my OH at 16 let alone 17 but I guess we're happy enough to do so I wouldn't rush into it yet anyway, but that's what i'm doing right now is just thinking and weighing it all up. You're right.. it's terrible to go through and I never thought i'd be able to get through it but I have somewhat already! Thankyou xxx

 

[tinytoes]

Mind yourself and get better physically and emotionally I hope I don't come across too harsh

 

[BeautifulDream]

Mind yourself and get better physically and emotionally I hope I don't come across too harsh

Not harsh at all :} although I still have my odd cry, I do feel 100% back to my old self, already. So quick I know.. but I always have been a fast healer with a lot of things. I guess time will tell!

 

[pinkyprincess]

Sorry for your loss! Can't imagine how terrible it must be.

I'm 23, my OH is 29 and our baby is 5 1/2 months old. We've been together about 5 years in all (we had a year off each other in the middle) I don't want to tell you what to do at all because if you're anything like me you'll do it anyway if you want to. But I'm like you have a job earn my own money etc etc my OH and I have a very stable relationship but NO ONE can prepare or describe to you the pressure a baby adds to the mix.

It started when I was pregnant and I LOVED being pregnant BUT it can be very isolating. You say you are not a party girl but if your OH is going out with his friends and you are left at home it's not nice. It might sound like an over reaction now or you might think I won't be like that but pregnancy hormones are a joke!! We also had a scare at our 12 week scan and had to go for further testing that meant I could've miscarried. OH and I had different views on if their had been a problem would we abort or not (defo worth discussing the chance of having a baby with a disability and what you'd do.)

Then when the baby was born my OH couldn't cope with the stress, crying, sleeplessness, helplessness that comes with a newborn. He went to his mums one day and I worried about him coming back. He did and manned up. If he did leave (and I'm not saying he will at all but just think about how would you cope.)

Having said all that my baby is the best thing that has ever happened to me I love my boy so much and live spending time with him and he has turned us from a couple into a family. But it is hard. My baby has never slept through, they are demanding little so and so's but lots of fun. Even now OH and I bicker and argue more than ever and I can see how someone might say 'enough' and leave. Sometimes I do worry about this but I know my MIL would track him down and drag him back by the balls lol!

My biggest regrets are not travelling, worrying about saving money when I could be spending it on myself and not having that one last big night out.


Please don't forget as great as having a baby is their are hard bits. I think this has been a bit rambley but good luck with whatever you do!

 

[mum2b410]

Sorry u had to go thru a m/c hun- I have no personal experience of that but Im sure it must have been extremely upsetting and hard to deal with.
It is totally up to u and OH when u try again but I think u r right to give it some time and let the dust settle before making any decisions. U r still v young and I know that I definitelty would not have been ready for a baby at 17. Thats not to say u arent, u know urself, but having one now and knowing what it is like I know I wouldnt have coped.
I am 29, have been married 1.5 years and been with my OH for 10 years in total and our baby was planned but we have definitely had some really tough times during these last 8 months, and when I was pg! It is an incredibly challenging time and u have to change and adapt so much individually and as a couple. I know that everyone says this and everyone said it to me when I was pg, but seriously nothing prepared me for just how hard it i....... but in all honesty, I dont think anything could have iykwim? U wont know what its like until it happens, u learn by experience and no matter how much u plan, how much u think it all thru, u never know whats gonna happen and how it will work out! So be sensible, think it all thru and decide together, but b prepared for it to be harder than u can imagine (not trying to put u off, just being realistic). The flip side is of course having the most amazing thing in the world that u have created together
Wish u all the best in making the right decision for u and for whatever follows xx

 

[Jayjay027]

Sorry to jump in on this thread.

I just wanted to share my story.
I was with a guy when I was 17, we didn't live together but were house hunting, we both had jobs and both earned a decent wage. I was madly, head over heels in love with him and was convinced we'd be together forever. Nothing or no one could have convinced me otherwise.
When I was 18, I got pregnant. It wasn't planned and I was on the pill. I didn't even know I was pregnant until I was miscarrying my baby - and it was the worst experience of my whole life. When the dr told me what was happening, I was in bits, and couldn't wait to see my bf and tell him and get some comfort as I didn't wana tell my parents.

I mourned over that loss for a few months before I fully felt like myself again. So 19 days is nothing!
Everytime I left the house, I felt like I had forgotten something, when in fact what I was missing was my baby. To make matters worse, my bf's sister was pregnant and was due 2 months before what would have been my due date.

I watched as her relationship fell to pieces because they just weren't prepared for the stresses a baby/pregnancy brings (she was 17, her bf was 21) they stayed together until their baby was a few months old, and she told me that if they hadn't had a baby so young they would probably have stayed together.

Anyway, moving ahead to now. I'm 25 (26 tomorrow) and I still think about that little angel all the time. But I'm about to have my first child with my husband (who isn't the guy I miscarried with) and I couldn't be happier. Of course if I had my 7yr old I'd love him with all my heart and wouldn't change anything, but when my ex bf and I split up, I was able to just be a 20yr old without a care in the world.
You can say you've traveled since u were 2, but family holidays aren't the same as really getting away with ur friends etc.

Anyway, my point is, as devastated as I was, and still am about my loss at 18, I wouldn't change how things are now, because I know that I waited til the time was right.

To be honest, it sounds like you've made ur mind up and just want someone to validate ur decision. But in my opinion, I really think you should wait for another while before u start trying for another baby x

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[littlemuffin]

I am really sorry for what has happened.

Enjoy the time you have as when a baby comes along you don't have anytime. I love my LO more than anything, but I didn't really know what motherhood was really about, you have that baby 24/7 for the rest of your life. And I'm 26, and I didn't have much of a life before the baby. I don't like to party, I don't drink anymore, I didn't before really, I met my husband at 19 ot married at 23, and they were both life changing, you have so much ahead of you and babies will come.
Also you are not legally allowed to go out and have real fun you are only 16, think that you have to learn to drive get a car or its bloody hard getting around to appointments even shopping, wait a few more years enjoy your teenage years you only have them once.