My unemployed husband

[Cathrine]

Hi ladies!
My baby girl was born on Valentine's Day of this year - in late November of last year my husband lost his job and has been unable to get another one. I worked many hours at my job whilst very pregnant and didn't go on leave until the day of my induction. The company I worked for changed management and chose to fire most of the employees, including me.
My husband states that he applies for many jobs daily, but I refuse to believe that a young man with a clean background check, 10+ years of different management and sales experience with a BA cannot even get a job at Walmart. It's been 4 months in total and I'm not ready to leave my baby to go back to work whilst struggling with hardcore PPD - even though I do have a couple of jobs up my sleeve (opportunities I got in 1 week!!)
I feel like he's lying to me about applying and I'm really tired of our situation - I'm at a point where I wanna leave him because of this. We fight a lot about it and I don't want baby to be a part of that this early on.

What the hell do I do?

 

[JD.Deedee]

Maybe he's got too much experience to get a job after wallmart?

 

[redbear]

Oh no it is harder than you think sometimes. My dh took ages to get a job after redundancy and he is a joiner with years of experience. Maybe ask him if he is in sure he wants to get back to work too. Xx

 

[Cathrine]

He's applied for EVERYTHING under the sun by now and often they don't even get back to him. I'm so close to just giving up as it's just an enormous source of stress and fights at this point.
I just really don't know what do to. Maybe I should go back to work? I have 2 jobs lined up already, I just really don't wanna be away from my 6 week old baby girl.

 

[redbear]

Yeah he probably feels like he is failing you too. I just think it's sad when people throw away relationships over money, I know money and income is important and it's stressful as hell but it's something I'm sure not done to make you suffer. My dh got really depressed when he couldn't find work.
It's horrible having to leave children to work it defiantly is, I don't know what to suggest but just hang in there I'm sure it will all pass eventually and you will look back at this time to remember how fortunate you are xxx

 

[Blueclass]

I totally understandthat this is a very stressful time for you but i have to agree it feels a little harse to leave him just because his not got a job yet. His probablyfeeling really sown about not bwing able to support you and he is probably trying to find a job. Do ypu see him applying for jobs if your both at home I take it you do? There is so much competition for jobs these days so it makes it so so hard. However stressfull I think youneed to help him and support him. Encourage him not to give up and that your there for him.

 

[Stupidred]

I completely understand your frustration. I wasn't ready to go back to work after a year let alone 6 weeks and why should you?! You've done the hard work of carrying your baby girl all the way until the last day. You're one hell of a mama already xxx I'd be going through the same emotions as you right now i think you're completely justified to apportion some blame here because at the end of the day it's his responsibility to provide for your family too.

I have all the sympathy in the world with you but i agree... You need to think long and hard about whether you want to end your relationship because of it. Sometimes it helps to say ok... Different approach. Suggest both of you sitting down and firing his cv off to some job agencies. Laptop each and say look... Not ideal but lets hace a night where we both just blast it. Make copies of his cv and suggest window shopping and take baby for a walk. Then you can hand out to anywhere with vacancies there and then.

I don't know enough about the job market over there but ibdo know that if he was determined to work he'd find a job no matter what.

I'm so sorry you're int this situation. You don't deserve it and it is a very unfair one x

 

[redbear]

I completely understand your frustration. I wasn't ready to go back to work after a year let alone 6 weeks and why should you?! You've done the hard work of carrying your baby girl all the way until the last day. You're one hell of a mama already xxx I'd be going through the same emotions as you right now i think you're completely justified to apportion some blame here because at the end of the day it's his responsibility to provide for your family too.

I have all the sympathy in the world with you but i agree... You need to think long and hard about whether you want to end your relationship because of it. Sometimes it helps to say ok... Different approach. Suggest both of you sitting down and firing his cv off to some job agencies. Laptop each and say look... Not ideal but lets hace a night where we both just blast it. Make copies of his cv and suggest window shopping and take baby for a walk. Then you can hand out to anywhere with vacancies there and then.

I don't know enough about the job market over there but ibdo know that if he was determined to work he'd find a job no matter what.

I'm so sorry you're int this situation. You don't deserve it and it is a very unfair one x

Depends on the job and area but the market is really tight for some. 6000+ applicants per job bad.

 

[Cathrine]

The thing is: I'm stuggling hard with PPD and I've been prescribed antidepressants which I've been taking for a little while. I'm breastfeeding a very fussy baby so I'm literally stuck in a chair all day - which doesn't help anything.
I don't know anybody in this city and I never get to leave the house at all - with or without baby. I originate from Denmark and live in the US now and have the option to completely replenish our savings and go home with the baby. These days I'm feeling more and more like that's the only thing that can save me from depression and horrible insecurity of my husband's complete inability to find a job. I'd simply feel safer there, but I know that it would mean the end of my marriage...

 

[Blueclass]

I'm sorry but I think your being very hard on your husband. I'm sorry your suffering from PPD as I'm sure it's not easy but if he is trying you need to give him a break. Try sitting together and help him apply for jobs, running back to Denmark won't solve all of your issues a d it's really unfair on your baby. Your baby has the right to see his or her daddy.

I am working but lookung else where and i got an email yesterday saying I'd been unsuccessful as the level of candidateswas so high. The job market here is really bad. I think stupidred is wrong to say he would find a job no matter what.

I agree it's a unfair situation for you but you need to be together and stay strong. In your vows did you not say for river for poorer?
He will find a job but it takes time and if your both home and stuck on the sofa feeding job hunt together. If your that bothered then you should help him. You said he is applying for jobs and often does not get a response there for it's not his fault.

Could you both not move to be with your family?

 

[Onedaysoon25]

Could you take up those job opportunities whilst your husband is looking? I know it's not ideal and I wouldn't want to leave my baby so early on but you're married and have to work as a team. He can stay home with baby whilst you work until he finds something.
You never know, being out working and meeting some new people could do wonders for you ppd. Getting out and seeing people really helped when I went through it.

Work it out together, this is not worth the break up of a marriage. X

 

[redbear]

Id say if your pnd is bad getting back to work early may be a good thing, you can leave the house and make some new friends and get to know the people in the us.
Running away would be very crewl to your husband, imagine how you would feel if he ran away and took the baby? Maybe he would be willing to move with you? He could go to Denmark if there would be work available. you need to have a good honest talk but yourpnd may be clouding your judment so dont rush to make life changing decisions just yet. x

 

[Cathrine]

You guys are right! Thanks for helping me seeing the other side to this - I'm really bad at that, when I'm under pressure like this. Maybe I haven't been the best wife and should support him more. He's unwilling to let me help, insisting that he's doing the right thing, but I understand he has a few opportunities in the waters right now - they're just dragging out.
I'm gonna go sign the papers for my new part time job tomorrow morning, hoping it will help me get through PPD. I just feel like a horrible mother for leaving her so early on...

 

[redbear]

You are anything but a horrible mother. If it helps when I worked in a nursery we had tonnes of baby's from 6 weeks old (the earliest they would take) from 6am until 6pm their parents had demanding jobs (police, teachers etc) and they had not option. Do not think your a bad mum for doing what's best for your family.
Your husband is probably feeling like a failure and that's why he is refusing help he wants to prove he can do it. Fingers crossed he gets a job soon for you all. Xxx

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[Onedaysoon25]

That's great Cathrine . Really hope working helps ease the stress and your PPD.
Providing for your family makes you a wonderful mother, don't feel guilty.
Keep us posted x

 

[Cathrine]

I've started working. They'll only give me a few days weekly and my husband still hasn't gotten a job. Every day is hell. I cry and cry and cry. I can't take it any more. I honestly have little respect or love for him anymore. I feel like he has put us in this horrible situation and doesn't have the balls to help himself. Obviously it's not so hard to get a job: I got 5 offers in a week. I feel like he's failed me and our daughter.
We're just not really a couple anymore, and it's probably my fault mostly. I just don't feel like I can ever see him like the man I once knew. We've never been well off as such, so it's not about the money. It's about: if he doesn't get a job, we will end up on the street very soon. I'd rather my daughter resent me for not having a dad, than growing up in foster care because we had to live in our car. I'm very close to taking our very last means and going home.

 

[redbear]

I've started working. They'll only give me a few days weekly and my husband still hasn't gotten a job. Every day is hell. I cry and cry and cry. I can't take it any more. I honestly have little respect or love for him anymore. I feel like he has put us in this horrible situation and doesn't have the balls to help himself. Obviously it's not so hard to get a job: I got 5 offers in a week. I feel like he's failed me and our daughter.
We're just not really a couple anymore, and it's probably my fault mostly. I just don't feel like I can ever see him like the man I once knew. We've never been well off as such, so it's not about the money. It's about: if he doesn't get a job, we will end up on the street very soon. I'd rather my daughter resent me for not having a dad, than growing up in foster care because we had to live in our car. I'm very close to taking our very last means and going home.

I still think to leave the country with the child is horrible. She isn't your possession she is a person he has as much rights to take her as you do.
If your not in love or whatever you can try separation or at least talk about it. What has your husband said about the situation? Is he as upset?
Have you been back to the Dr because your pills may need changing it sounds like pnd is really bad at the minute.
Does America have any housing assistance to help with rent or anything?

 

[millielaura]

I've started working. They'll only give me a few days weekly and my husband still hasn't gotten a job. Every day is hell. I cry and cry and cry. I can't take it any more. I honestly have little respect or love for him anymore. I feel like he has put us in this horrible situation and doesn't have the balls to help himself. Obviously it's not so hard to get a job: I got 5 offers in a week. I feel like he's failed me and our daughter.
We're just not really a couple anymore, and it's probably my fault mostly. I just don't feel like I can ever see him like the man I once knew. We've never been well off as such, so it's not about the money. It's about: if he doesn't get a job, we will end up on the street very soon. I'd rather my daughter resent me for not having a dad, than growing up in foster care because we had to live in our car. I'm very close to taking our very last means and going home.

I still think to leave the country with the child is horrible. She isn't your possession she is a person he has as much rights to take her as you do.
If your not in love or whatever you can try separation or at least talk about it. What has your husband said about the situation? Is he as upset?
Have you been back to the Dr because your pills may need changing it sounds like pnd is really bad at the minute.
Does America have any housing assistance to help with rent or anything?

Could you both go back to Denmark?
It must be really hard for you but I could never take our baby girl away from her dad to another country. He is probably already feeling crap about not having a job and being able to provide for you so seems really unfair to then take away his baby too. Xxx

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[Cathrine]

I cannot go to get my meds ajusted or see someone as I'm uninsured - I would be able to in Denmark for free. I'm definitely really bad off at the moment. My relationship and my life seems completely ruined because of this. I often have thoughts of ending it all....
I kind of feel like that if he really cared he'd try harder... We could go to Denmark, but don't have the means to apply for residency for him as requirements are tougher in Denmark.
I've suggested her and I go for a limited time and either come back when things have settled or he make the jump when we have the option. I cannot and will not stay here. It drives me completely mad.

 

[Cathrine]

Also: I'm being taxed out of the a$& here because of my immigrant status, making it impossible for me to support us unless I work 2 jobs, only coming home to sleep. I cannot do that to my child.
Time is running out and at some point we will not be able to send us back.