My Mother :( (again)

[Dragonfly Fi]

Well this really has taken the biscuit, about 4 weeks ago i had to stop phoning my mum all the time because she lives in Darwin (Australia) refuses to get a landline or Skype and is ONLY available on a mobile phone which costs a ridiculous amount to phone! We had a bit of a falling out about two weeks ago because she was never around, never answered my calls and persists on phoning me at 2pm on a Saturday and Sunday afternoon when i have told her i will be out with the baby and OH because we are doing up an old camper and when its nice and we arent busy, we like to relax in the park.

Anyway, i am trying to sell her house for her, sort out whats going to happen with furniture etc when we move (because we own all the furniture, fridge, freezer, etc and i she wont be able to let the house to the other tenants that live here when we take everything with us!

So she said 'oh just prank my phone and i will get back to you, if you REALLY need to talk to me, prank my husbands phone as well. Which i think is a bit crap really, would it not be easier to just get Skype or whatever and then we can talk on mutual terms?

Anyway, so on Monday, i had a phone conversation with the housing manager here and also had a bit of communication with our MP who is helping me out with some problems we have with the council, its been a really stressful time and i was actually going to ask mum if me and the baby could possibly come and stay with her for a month while the housing thing got sorted, IF it came to that. I also really, really wanted to talk to her about stuff, because shes my mum.

So i pranked her and her husband on Monday, it was 18.15 their time in Darwin

I got no response, i took my mobile out everywhere with me. Then on Thursday at about 11pm (our time) i got a phone call from her 'Hi i am just on my way to work, very quick call to tell you that i have dropped the price of the house because i want it gone quickly, see you later bye'

didnt even ASK what i had phoned her about and it was 11pm ffs! I am pregnant with a 1 year old i was clearly going to be in bed or just going to bed!

So then i hear nothing from her, til yesterday at, you guessed it, 1.30pm when i had literally come home to make Liam and the guy helping us weld our van a sandwich each, i get this phone call from mum. So i told her we had a house viewing and i also told her that i wanted to speak to her on Monday because i needed to know if i could come and stay but actually that me and Liam and Jasper would live in our van for a month if we have to when we are kicked out from her. That didnt phase her one bit, that i would actually rather spend a month living in a camper with my son than actually see her right now.

She said 'sorry i missed your calls' and i replied explaining that i thought the deal was if she got a missed call from me she would try and get in touch. she said she had left me one missed call on my landline and that it was 'not fair' that i expected her to be in when i rang, but was out when she rang. I tried to explain thats not the point, the point is that she has made it impossible for me to contact her at all other than to leave her a missed call and that i thought we had agreed if i did that, she would make effort to get in touch. Not just leave me one missed call on my landline and move on.

I dunno, a bit part of me thinks she should have some wish to know why i have tried to call her, i am selling her house, i am in a rough place with the family at the moment as far as not knowing where we are going to be and a BIT OF SUPPORT from my ONLY family member would be great

So then she starts asking about Jasper, and i said he was fine. She starts saying 'oh YOUR not very talkative today are you?' and i was like 'no Mum, i dont feel very talkative, i feel like you have worked really, really hard to detach yourself from us, you are here now phoning me AGAIN on a Saturday when you know i am usually out and actually i am JUST going out of the door to see Liam, and yet you have phoned me when you know its not convieneint, its like you actually dont care and for some reason your trying to keep up this pretence that you do.

Then she went on and on about how i never put any effort into our relationship and everything she does is wrong and she just wont bother contacting me anymore if thats how it is (i am thinking, you dont contact me ANYWAY) and i was so angry. For the last year i have phoned her three, four times a week on her mobile, its cost our family an absolute FORTUNE in charges to Australia and now we are feeling the pinch and food has gone up and stuff, i cannot afford to do that anymore. Plus i am going through a really rough time and the effort has been completely unreciprocated.

I feel like for the last year, i have been struggling to hold up a relationship with somebody who actually isnt interested. Shes far more involved with her Australian lifestyle than she is with us and feels no need to be more in contact now that i have stuff to deal with and could really use her.

I am sick of her, i have told her i do not want to see her when she visits in August, i actually do not want to see her for at least a year. i know that sounds like a long time but its actually not that long when your so detached from somebody. After a year (hopefully) we will be settled with both the children in a nice house somewhere, perhaps then i can have a relationship with someone who feels no real urge to support me, or find out how i am or comfort me when i am down.

I should consider myself lucky, i have a wonderful husband and beautiful son and my little family is just about to gain another beautiful soul. We have many lovely friends who care for us. The only thing is that Jasper doesnt have grandparents, my dad and brother both forgot his first birthday didnt even send a card.

We are going to have to be everything to our children. They have no one else. I think if that is the case though, that it is up to us to stop pretending we have support from someone who does not care about us, it breaks my heart and makes me really upset and then i cannot look after Jasper. Here i am at 6am and i cannot sleep because i am thinking about mum

Its not good for us, time to call it a day.

 

[DaisyPurple]

Oh sweetheart, I am so sorry that you are going through this, if you don't mind me asking, how long has she been in australia?
Sometimes relationships with our parents become strained, I know this as I've had issues with both my parents for most of my life, I am glad that it seems you have a good relationship with your husband and you are busy building a life and a family of your own, I think that the
Complication of being in her house and having to sell it for her is probably not helping and if you were settled somewhere else you could probably begin to deal with thinhs, I just wanted to let you know really that in my opinion this isn't any of your fault, your mum is being rather selfish, and probably has no idea of how her daughter actually still needs a mum in her life, she does sound a lot like my own mum. And its taken me years to accept she's simply not capable of being a mum and I treat her now like a distant relative, and this way the disappointment doesn't seem to bad xx
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[Dragonfly Fi]

Thanks Daisy, i am in total agreement with you. Mum has been in Australia for about 7 years, when she was living in Perth in a family house it was okay, she had a landline and an internet connection so we could call her for a reasonable amount of money and i kept in touch with her often.

Its been since shes moved to Darwin, now she lives in a corperate flat, no phone line, eats out every night, refuses to get internet etc.

I feel like i have been making her keep in contact with me for the last year and really if something is not right in front of her face she just doesnt care about it. I went to Australis to live with her and it was a bit intensive, i then moved to a flat in the city where she works, probably 20miles from her house, and she saw me once a week... for about an hour! Then she got really upset when i moved my flight forward and left after 7 months. me and Liam were living in a crap flat with no support and she never even made time to come and see me!

I think your right, i need to make the transition to seeing her as a distant relative, somebody who i dont immediately go to if i need a friend or bit of support.

Thanks, its horrible that this happens to people but good to speak to someone with a similar problem x

 

[DaisyPurple]

I'm glad I was able to help hun, pm me any time and we can chat xx

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[xxbeckyxx]

So sorry to read this BigBump. I think it's hard sometimes to think of our parents as being real 'people' rather than just our Mum and Dad, and real people are often tactless, selfish and ignorant. As much as we love our parents and want to be close to them I think sometimes we have to accept that they aren't necessarily up for that. My Mum had 5 kids but she's in no way maternal - I treat her like a friend and our relationship definitely works better if I just pop over for a coffee once in a while.

Hope you can work out a 'deal' with your Mum that works, maybe find yourself a surrogate Mum in someone else? I have a friend who I don't see that often but I always pop in and see her Mum at work and have a good chat with as a woman from an older generation iykwim