my cousin can't/won't talk to me... :o(

[claireyfairey]

*sigh* This is going to end up long....please bear with me!

I have a really horrible, crappy situation that I don't know how to deal with right now. I've been trying to be really brave and ignore it and not make a big deal, but I really feel like I need to talk now. Hope you girlies don't mind...

My cousin is in her 40's. She's had a difficult life; she was born deaf in one ear and blind in one eye. She had a hip replacement in her twenties and basically has various disabillities which have no known cause. She lives a normal life, is married and has a good job. The one thing she cannot do, however, is have children.

We're not sure of the reasons. She's never had proper periods, maybe having one every 6 months or so. Her husband (as far as I know) has a low sperm count. She doesn't talk about her problem, and keeps it bottled up, so I don't know too many details of the specific problems. I have heard through my family that they will not have IVF - she believes if she cannot have children naturally then she was not meant to have them. I respect that. However, this has been eating her up for years and years....so much so that she is now a completely bitter and twisted individual. She has lost many friends who have naturally as they have got older and married etc started families. She just cuts all contact, finds it too painful. Her mum (my auntie) has to moniter any post she receives...if she ever receives a card from a friend announcing any new babies in the family or anything similar, she has to throw them away incase my cousin should call round and see them. All knowledge of anyone having babies should not EVER be mentioned to Debbie, unless you want floods of tears and to be ignored for months on end.

I always knew this would happen.

I was warned from a young age that should I ever have children to be prepared for Debbie to take a long time to come to terms with it. I thought I was prepared to deal with that. As it goes, I'm not. It's hurting more people than just me.

My mum and Debbie always had a close relationship, going out shopping together and phoning regularly. Since being told that I am expecting, she has cut all contact with my mum. We expected this to happen. My mum didn't want to give up on her, so sent her a few emails now and then wishing her well and asking her to contact us. My mum received one email back this weekend asking that my mum respect her wish for space right now.

I don't know how to feel about this. I am quite angry to be honest. I don't know if I should feel angry because of course I pity her....but I also feel that I shouldn't feel guilty for being pregnant. I guess at these times in your life you expect the support of your family, and even though I knew I wouldn't get that, I'm finding it harder to deal with that I thought I would. I'm angry and resentful that I feel like I have to 'hide' my pregnancy, that no-one in my family is allowed to talk about it or share in my special time I am angry that my cousin would want to ignore my child's existence when it's something amazing and special, that I already love so much...

The hurtful thing is I've been told that she feels I don't 'deserve' my child, because I am young and unmarried. That my baby is a mistake and shouldn't be here. Boy that made me

There is more to the story I guess I should tell you. My cousin is very outspoken. She says what she thinks and doesn't think of the consequences. I am similar to an extent, but I don't go out of my way to hurt people. I don't trample on people's feelings like she has so often done. We've fallen out pretty spectacularly in the past. Some people here know that I suffered from an eating disorder in the past, and she has always been very vocal and hurtful about it. One Christmas she insulted the food I was eating (I mean christ, I was eating at the table with my family for the first time in fucking ages) and called me a silly little girl which naturally hurt like hell. I retalliated of course but that's the sort of person I am...I won't take any crap from anyone. So given that she's the sort of person she is, I expected to be treated like this.

I'm angry that she feels within her rights to tell people I don't deserve a child and that she does. I'm angry she feels it's okay to cut off my mum when she's done nothing wrong, when I'VE done nothing wrong. I'm hurt that she has to turn everything around so that all the attention is on her once again, and my pregnancy is allowed to be completely insignificant.


And underneath all my anger I'm hurt I'm angry with myself for feeling hurt! I'm so goddam confused I don't know how I should feel


I don't know what I wanted to achieve with this post but I just had to get it off my chest Hope you girls don't mind...


C xxx

 

[NickyB]

She's clearly jealous, and lashing out. It must be terrible to long for a baby you can't have, but who knows IVF could've worked for her?

However, it's cruel to take it out on other people that have got pregnant. I can imagine she might want some space, but if it were one of my family members I would expect her to be civil (and in return I probably would keep certain details to myself), and I would've thought most people would slowly come to terms with it. It seems your cousin won't judging by her past reactions.

Does that make sense? It makes me sound so insensitive!

 

[HideiLu]

Hey Claire, first of all wanted to give you a big big hug

I really feel for you having to tip toe round, and I might sound harsh saying this, but I think it may only make things worse, and she needs to understand that her bad attitude won't ever stop more beautiful babies being born around her and in the family.

Please don't let her get you down babe, she can not judge you on not deserving your baby and at the end of it she is the one who will miss out on sharing the joy of having such special little people in the world.

Big hugs again

 

[claireyfairey]

No, I understand what you mean. Thanks for reading and replying though. I'm not really sure what I expected people to say but I just really needed to share it and get it off my chest and hear other people's opinions. So thankyou

 

[nickilubs]

The hurtful thing is I've been told that she feels I don't 'deserve' my child, because I am young and unmarried. That my baby is a mistake and shouldn't be here. Boy that made me

I'm sorry I understand this might not be a great time for her but this is increadably selfish and she has absolutely NO right whatsoever to suggest this!

I do sound very cruel I guess but I really mean that I would never forgive anyone for saying that and I feel you have far more of a issue to be angry at her for than she does at you. Everyone has shit in their lives I'm sorry to say different people have to go through different things but you should never act bitter and resentful towards others because they have something or have experienced something you never will. I understand it is hard and if you were being ungrateful and insensitive then fine she could be angry but you haven't you have tried hard and she is acting like you have done something wrong and you haven't it isnt as if you have gone about parading your baby as a mistake and humming what to do and going to her for advice whether to keep your babe or not! If I couldn't have a child then it would make me MORE happy than bitter if someone I knew was able to I would be so pleased for them and I would love to spend time with that child. You cant just cut someone out of your life like that. She will miss out on a hell of alot by making you feel so uncomfortable.

 

[Ani]

Sending you lots of these...

 

[charlotteheys85]

You deserve your child!!

And you should be able to be excited, and so should the rest of your familym this is a cruel thing for me to say, and please dont take it the wrong way, but what kind of a cousin, even a friend or anyone has the right to do that, she cant be soo selfish!! why should you be unhappy, she should be happy she'll be having a baby in the family, as i'm sure you'd be happy for her to be apart of the babys life.. people need to repect you, and at a time like this you need support..

xxx

 

[Redshoes]

No disrespect intended, I feel your cousin is being selfish and childish, she should be happy for you, and its nothing to do with your Mum anyway
I'm so sorry you're going through this, I really hope that soon, if not at latest when baby arrives, that she can get past her own issues and be there for you and baby and let you all get back that loving family relationship, very best wishes

 

[amethyst_echidna]

This sort of situation is awful isn't it? Unfortunately it'll be hard not to be seen as the hurtful one yourself because she and anyone who supports her will likely say that you should be more sensitive. IMHO she's being totally unreasonable - of course it's terribly sad that she can't have children, but why should that mean that no-one else in the family can have them and enjoy having them?! She needs to grow up.

AMETHYST

 

[Fly]

Really sorry to hear that your cousin is so messed up bout the whole baby thing that she can't enjoy your happiness with you

My bro n sis in law are going down the ivf route - sis in law has very sporadic periods and doesn't have enough oestrogen so is having injections n suchlike. My heart goes out to them cos they have been ttc very quitely for a long time now - they can only talk to our side of the family as me sis in law's side puts on too much pressure I feel guilty cos i fall pregnant so bloody quickly its unreal but they have been so lovely and supportive and excited bout my baby I'm really sorry your cousin is being like this - its awful

Loadsa Love Sarah xxxxx

 

[jenjen]

I agree with everything everyone else has said, and it might sound really insensitive of me, but your cousin is being completely unreasonable. Ok, she's had a hard life, but who doesn't have problems? If we all reacted by cutting off everybody whose lives seem to be going better than our own, then we would eventually all be very sad and lonely people. Just because your circumstances are different to hers, and she's not been the luckiest of people, doesn't mean you don't deserve your baby, of course you do. And just because she's had a hard life doesn't make her behaviour acceptable.

Somebody else suggested that you're not helping her at all by tip-toeing around her, I completely agree. By doing that your family are letting her believe that she's acting in an acceptable way. Any why should you have to hide your pregnancy? There's a miracle growing inside of you, it should be something to celebrate, not something to hide or feel guilty about.

At the end of the day hun, she's the one who will miss out on being a part of a beautiful new life. Let's hope she gets over herself and realises that, not just for your sake, but for her own and the whole family's.

 

[peanut1982]

What a horrible situation for you hun, hope sharing this with us all has helped you to release a bit of the confusion and general grrrrr about the whole situation. Sounds like you need lots of

Yes it's unfortunate that your cousin has had so many troubles in her life but she has no right to make you and your family feel guilty for living their own lives. Becoming a mother is an amazing thing and you shouldn't feel you have to hide it.

Your cousin sounds like a very selfish person to me and needs to grow up. I know a lady who's had all sorts of health issues to deal with during her life which in a similar way hampered her chances of conceiving. She has now adopted a beautiful little boy and is an amazing mother.

Take care of yourself hun and make sure you flaunt that bump at the next family gathering! If your cousin was mature enough to really want to be a mother she would realise that their are other ways to go about things and that holding a grudge against every pregnant woman is just childish and unnecessary.

 

[kerryp]

i agree with what everyone else has said, your cousin is being completely selfish & unrealistic & people shouldnt let her get away with it.
it was her decision not to try IVF as "if its not meant to be, its not meant to be"... so WHY does she feel that something that WAS meant to be is wrong!?!
I dont think your aunt helps by going through her mail... what would she do if she DID get a birth announcement? Im sure whatever it was the new mother would soon put her back in her place, hell i would

Dont let her get you down, just think of how lonely she going to make herself as people get older... but definately DONT let pity for her turn into embarrassment because your pregnant!

Hope all turns out well.
xx

 

[claireyfairey]

Thanks for all the responses. I'm not really in the head space to reply right now...had an awful day at work, but just wanted to say I read the replies and they're appreciated

 

[nori]

Its such a horrible position to be in but i do agree with the others. She has no right to make you feel this way.

I have a lot of friends on a website for crohns sufferers who have problems conceiving yet they are all so happy for me.

Your cousin really needs to get some professional help from a counseller and i hope she realises that at some point.

Dont let it spoil your pregnancy though.

Claire x

 

[dannii87]

I'm sorry hun but reading your post has really annoyed me

Should I be angry with any woman who has clear arms because I have psoriasis?

Should women who have breast cancer be angry with any woman who doesn't?

I could go on ALLLLLL night.

Don't get me wrong, my heart bleeds for women who can never experience the wonderful things we are currently experiencing, and it's SUCH a shame as you usually find the ones who can't have children would make such brilliant mummies, but she has taken this to the extreme and it's absolutely ridiculous and shameful on her part.

Stuff her... I'm sorry but if her want for children is more than her love for her family then it's tough love, you'll have to move on.

Please don't feel bad though sweet, you've got such a gorgeous little baby in your tum, yes it's a shame she'll never experience that, but the world works in its own way and it's out of your control... xx

 

[MagicMarkers]

Gosh !!
What a terrible situation to end up with, she sounds like regardless of her problems, she can be a bit of a bitch, thats no excuse for her being so vocal about your eating disorder, nor your pregnancy, in my eyes everyone has the same right to a child and if she chooses not to do ivf then she hasnt taken her chance as far as she could, if she was that desperate for children i cant understand why she wouldnt try every opportunity. It must be absolutely terrible for her to have to go through all that she has. but geeeez it really seems like she cant be happy for you no matter what, you know a bit of a well done on kicking the old eating disorder, its lovely to have you eat with us again claire might have been nice, or a, im so happy for you claire !!
Youve got nothing to feel bad about and your poor bloody mum !! Bless her its not her fault your pregnant, nor that your cousins obviously a tad selfish when it comes to babies, debbie just needs to get over the fact your having ababy and ignoring it wont stop it from happening !! x x x

 

[fuffins1981]

i agree with what everyone else has said, your cousin is being completely selfish & unrealistic & people shouldnt let her get away with it.
it was her decision not to try IVF as "if its not meant to be, its not meant to be"... so WHY does she feel that something that WAS meant to be is wrong!?!
I dont think your aunt helps by going through her mail... what would she do if she DID get a birth announcement? Im sure whatever it was the new mother would soon put her back in her place, hell i would

Dont let her get you down, just think of how lonely she going to make herself as people get older... but definately DONT let pity for her turn into embarrassment because your pregnant!

Hope all turns out well.

I agree with this totally.

There will be some raised eyebrows at this, but it has to be said: When some kids have problems, the parents over compensate, pussy foot around them, spoil them and generally create a monster. My son has been assessed as being on the autisitc spectrum and now they are saying he shows strong signs of ADHD. But I treat him like I would treat any child and on the whole, you would never know there is any problems!

Whas happened to your cousin is your aunt/family have made her feel she can do and say what she wants. She has had years of people hiding babies from her. She has chosen not to take help she could have had. This means she needs to get over the fact that others can have babies. Obviously she does not believe in here own 'if it does it does, if it don't it don't' philosophy. And to question whether you desere your baby makes my blood boil.

You should be able to be among ALL your family celebrating your pregnancy. This is a terrible jealousy. It isn't that she can't take people being pregnant. It is simply that she cant cope with the idea you may have peoples attention. So, if she throws a hissy fit, she puts herself back there as the centre of attention.

Dont feel bad at all Claire. To do that, you are feeding the spoiling this woman has already had. Enjoy your pregnancy
xx