:'(

Discussion in 'Second Trimester' started by sarafet, Dec 21, 2007.

  1. sarafet

    sarafet Well-Known Member

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    i was out for lunch with mum today and she asked what surname the baby would have, i said my oh's obviously.. she started saying, no you should give him/her our name incase you's split up.. then she REALLLLY started.. :cry:

    when we told her i was pregnant she was ok about it, but today she told me how she really feels :cry:

    she said she's so embarrased that she hasn't told anyone :cry: that my family are going to be so ashamed and disapointed because they all thought i would aspire to more than this :cry:

    she then said she doesn't know how i can be happy bc my life is ruined, i'm going to struggle and basically that the baby will be the end of any life i planned, i'm 19 :( she spoke about how my cousins are at uni,army, etc and i'll be stuck in a crappy house with a baby and nothing else :cry:

    also that she KNOWS i won't go back to uni bc it will be too much :( my mum had me at 19 and says that the reason she feels this way is because her life ended when she had me and that she still hasn't got it back because my brother is still young (12.)

    i moved out when i was 18 because of constant arguments with my mum and she still holds it against me, now she says because i'm pregnant it's her worst nightmare. i really don't know what to do :cry: i know that things are never going to be good with my mum again, i know she will always throw this back in my face, i don't know how much more i can take, every word she said to me this afternoon broke my heart because already i love this baby with my whole heart :cry:

    i can't stop crying and i don't know what to do. my mum said i need to tell the rest of my family as well, and she says to expect the same reaction off of them all :cry: i don't think i can take anymore of it..
     
  2. BeckyJ

    BeckyJ Well-Known Member

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    awww hunni dont stress its not good 4 u or the little 1 :hug:

    ur mum is prob jus worried, they dont always hav the best way of showin it i no

    just prove her wrong, be a great mum and carry on, im sure she will soon come round :hug:
     
  3. Manda&Thomas

    Manda&Thomas Well-Known Member

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    aww hun that was a little harsh
    yes things change when you have a baby and yes they do make your life hard but they dont ruin it not nowadays there is soo much more help out there so you can finish uni/get a good career whatever you want to do
    chin up hun it will all work out and if your family is to stubbon and arrigant to see that its there problem not yours :)
    manda xx
     
  4. Minime

    Minime Well-Known Member

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    Hunny, I left home at 17 and had DD less than a month after my 20th. SHE gave me the drive to succeed and to be able to stand on my own 2 feet and support her. I qualified as a social worker in 1997.
    Had I not had DD I would probably have ended up in dead end jobs as I had no qualifications. Its not all doom and gloom as some "grown ups" might think ;)
     
  5. Babylicious

    Babylicious Well-Known Member

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    :hug: :hug: my family said the same to me when I had paris and now i'm 26 got my own house, excellent job, half way through a degree

    don't worry sweetie
     
  6. debecca

    debecca Well-Known Member

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    Sounds to me like your mum is taking out her own life frustrations on you, which is terribly unfair.

    As others have said, there is absolutely no reason why you can't achieve the same things you could before, albeit with different priorities.

    You MUST continue to feel positive about the baby and it is entirely YOUR decision which surname you decide to give him/her...

    Your mum is being very unhelpful and unsupportive. I know it's hard to ignore the comments of someone as close to you as that but do try.

    Eat chocolate and prosper! :cheer: :hug:
     
  7. loz

    loz Well-Known Member

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    Dont listen to the negativity - she might regret having said all this too you when she thinks about it. The main thing is that you love the baby and want to do the best for him/her. I dont see what the point is of your mum saying that to you now you are pregnant. Being a mother has got to be the best thing in the world and I dont think there has to be a set age when to have kids. Try and spend time with people who are supportive and limit your mum's opportunity for hurting you like this. :hug: :hug:
     
  8. Urchin

    Urchin Well-Known Member

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    OH MY GOD!!

    That's awful!!! Even if she did secretly think a few of those things why the hell would she want to tell you? What does she hope to achieve?

    Sorry I think it's really awful and you should say something to her about how crap she has made you feel! It was very selfish of her to upset you like that.
     
  9. sarafet

    sarafet Well-Known Member

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    thanks for all your help guys :hug:

    i'm still feeling awful, she's phoned twice and apologised, i think even she realised she'd took it too far this time :cry: but both times she still said - i just had to tell you how i feel :(

    i just hope this isn't upsetting baby, i feel so hurt and angry and weak now, i feel awful because i hoped so much that this baby would feel wanted by everyone :cry: but she kept calling it a mistake. maybe it was, but it's my best mistake :cry:
     
  10. kalia

    kalia Well-Known Member

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  11. Tillytots

    Tillytots Well-Known Member

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    have some :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: xx

    I have to agree 110% with Urchin, what a horrid thing to say! Totally uncalled for :x She is supposed to support you in all your choices and decisions thats what Mums do, clearly all she tried to do is put you down and make you feel crap. Why she felt the need to do this is anyones guess?? As for being disappointed in you and that she thought you'd aspire to more....being a Mum in my eyes is the most rewarding job a woman could do!

    I know its hard hunni but dont let her pessimism and put downs drag you down. Maybe your Mums life didnt work out the way she planned but thats down to her and is absolutely no indication that you're life will go the same way. Lol, Im having a baby and my life isnt over! Its beginning a whole new and exciting chapter :D

    How about your Dad hun?

    xxx
     
  12. sarafet

    sarafet Well-Known Member

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    thanks tilly :hug:

    my dad has never really took much to do with me, he won't say anything about it, just agree with my mum when she tells him to.

    i really don't want to see them just now, and i'm supposed to go over for christmas dinner, i just don't want anymore of this, i really can't take it :(
     
  13. lisa&alex

    lisa&alex Well-Known Member

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    your mum has absolutly no right what so ever to talk to you like that.. even if she truly is feeling what she said.. a good mother supports their child through every stage of their lifes.. and accepts their faults, mishaps, problems, insecuritys.. etc etc etc...

    i have to say.. that i was 18 when i had charlotte.. and i dont suppose people telling you their 'life storys' will help your mother and her 'ideas' on what teenage mothers lives end up like.. but here goes..

    i got pregnant when i was 18.. after a 5 months relationship.. and gave birth 6 weeks before my 19th birthday.. the relationship did end.. and im glad it did..

    im now 23 (24 next week) married, have A levels and a counselling diploma (ie i have been to uni) all this after having my daughter. i have a nice home and married to a lovely man.. and we have 2 cars..

    the idea that teenage mums espire to nothing.. they have shitty homes, shitty lives, crappy jops and dead beat relationships, no hope or ambitions is a pile of shit.. and is really a serious 'old fasioned idea' perhaps your mother should not judge you on her own life..

    just remember.. you dont have to explain yourself to anyone.. if 'all' your family think the same as your mother then sorry but screw them.. the only person you need in this life is yourself.. the only person who can make something of your life is you.. whatever anyone in the world thinks of you doesnt make your life better or worse.. its what you think of yourself that counts.

    i personally would write your mother a letter, and just say if she cant be a positive influence in your life then she isnt welcome to comment on it.

    xx good luck
     
  14. Squiglet

    Squiglet Well-Known Member

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    Well I got pregnant with Tia at 19... and I DID go back to uni... and I DID do really well. It was hard, but Tia was the inspiration I needed to get my bum in gear and knuckle down and do the work..

    I left home at 17 for much the same reasons as you state... but having Tia was an improvement on my life.. it certainly didn't destroy it. You're mum is talking about her experiences 19 years ago and life was very different for a young mum back then. You have different options open for you now. Most colleges have nursery places and child care help, and there are many different financial options open for you to support yourself through uni.

    OK it might not have been a desirable time to have a baby, but then most babies in this world are born at undesirable times.. :roll: Your mother may feel the way she does, but she should have kept that to herself. There are somethings you just don't tell people because it's kinder not to.

    The only thing I agree upon with your mother is the surname issue (although she could have approached it in a more sympathetic manner).. Tia originally had my ex's surname, and when we broke up when she was two I had to spend a lot of money and time to get her name changed to mine to prevent confusion. Also it caused massive aggressive arguments with my ex.. I should have chosen my surname first then IF we had gotten married (which would never have happened :roll: ) then had the name changed. But it wasn't a tragic thing... :) It would just have made life easier thats all.. But at the end of the day your child... your choice.. and our parents need to respect that...

    And never think of your baby as a mistake hun... just an unexpected surprise. Cos when they are born you realise that they were never a mistake, they were given to you as a blessing. :)
     
  15. Bloom

    Bloom Well-Known Member

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  16. muppetmummy

    muppetmummy Well-Known Member

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    I agree with what the others have said. 19 years ago having a baby at 19 could have ruined your life (though even then women in that situation were sometimes able to be successful too), but nowadays there's a lot of help available with regards to financial help to allow you carry on as a student, and to help with the costs of childcare once you embark on a career.

    I had James at 22 and found that once I had him I became a lot more focused on work and my homelife. Up until then OH and I were down the pub all night every night drinking far too much. Having a child gave us the motivation to better ourselves.

    With regards to the baby's surname, that has to be your choice. If you do give the baby your OH's surname and then split up it's not the end of the world.
    If you give the baby your surname and then decide you want to change the babys surname to your OH's, you can do that by reregistering the birth. You just have to pay for a new birth certificate.
    It's a decision you have to make for yourself though, don't listen to your mum, it's not her baby.

    I think the best way to deal with this is to prove your mum wrong and show her that it is possible to be a young mum and get a good education and a career. I'm sure she'll be more positive once the baby arrives and will love being a gran :hug: :hug: :hug:
     

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