missing out

[trixipaws]

im sorry this is a bit whiney, compared to some other posts in here its not really a problem i kno i should be happy im in a loving caring relationship, but i feel i need to get this off my chest it will be cathartic writing it so here goes!

i feel like im gonna be missing out and apart from milestones in millie's life got no big events to look forward to

iv always wanted to get married and hav children, but not in any rush i thought these things were things i'd start thinking about after i turn 30. so did my boyf, we had briefly discussed this at the start of our relationship.

and, altho one child is here a few years before i'd planned, it doesnt change things- i'd still like to wait until im 30 before i think about having any more or getting married.

but, since millie was born, my boyf has made several comments inferring that he mustve changed his mind- he absolutely does NOT want any more children, and nor does he want to get married. ever!

ill NEVER experience my wedding or married life

ill NEVER experience TTC

its not that i wanna do either just yet, its just knowing that i wont ever

i really really feel like phoebe in friends where she dumps mike coz he said he'll never marry her! coz im fine about being unmarried and mum-of-just-one at the moment, and am happy to remain so for a few years, but im not sure im fine about this being IT forever. does that make sense?

sorry im just bein whingey

its coz we got millie's next car seat this week and my boyf's on about selling the old one, when i said we should store it in the attic for the next baby he was like "whoooooooooa, NO WAY is that ever happening!"

and he made a comment last week about marriage cant remember it now but its just set me off thinking about it!

 

[lauramumof2]

they can be quite insensitive some times.
If you are in doubt, you need to sit down with him and have a long talk.
Things like, are we going to get married, are we going to have more children. A proper talk will get both sides out, it might not turn out the way you want but you need to know for sure.

Good luck

 

[lella]

Well if you are good enough to be the mother of his child, then you are good enough to be his wife!

You are going to have to sit down and have along talk about what you both want in the long term. My husband was like this a few years back, he had commitment issues. I basically sat him down and we had a chat. it turned out that we did want the same things but he was in no rush. A year later we were married lol. but we are meant to be trying for another baby soon and now he has changed his mind again. I think its fear that gets in the way.

 

[Melly+2]

Gal always said nomore kids after hope, i was gutted, we found out i have a cysts on my overies and stuff and that what made him change his mind and now we have been try 10 months (not very fun tbh ) Give him time he may just be saying that now but it will prob change in the future, dont pester him though as it wont make him want to any more then he does now, good luck chick x

 

[lfc_sarah]

I always thought id get married/ have kids around 30 too... well maybe have my first child around 25..

Things dont turn out though the way you plan do they..

I think you should talk to him.
Properly... he could have been saying it in a jokey way (even though it might not have sounded like it)..
.. because its so hard with the one you have now..
But in a couple of years, will be older, and not need as much attention ect, he may think of another.
As for marriage... i dont know.. just talk to him about it

I had a talk with my OH and he said he wants at least 4 kids... ( ) Not yet, in about 6 years. But thats before weve had ours...

 

[Redshoes]

Your OH probably thinks the MASSIVE change you've both already been through with Millie is enough for him, and you can't think less of someone for that, I don't think he ever meant to mislead you in anyway about future children or marriage, only reality is often harder and full of more strains than the wanted, fantasized, he needs to get used to one child at the moment maybe, if that makes sense?

I just wanted to say that time is a great healer, and in time MANY things can CHANGE I never wanted children, now I would love 5, see As you and he get more accustomed to your new family life, I'm sure he will re-evaluate, like you said, its all very early, maybe when he's 30 he will be wanting to TTC again, maybe you won't then, would he love you any less?

What I mean is, its lovely to want, but enjoy what you have like I know you do and enjoy every moment and one day there may be a new addition, until then I wouldn't let it spoil what you have, a lovely little family, and living in sin for now can be fun too Never say never, you've stayed strong since finding out you were having Millie, I think you can overcome this, very best wishes

 

[Sherlock]

Pretty much what Redshoes has said.

He may well just need a little time. Its been a lot of changes to take on board and sometimes people just backpeddle a bit.

If you've a few years yet before 30 I'd not worry overly right now. Enjoy the present and at some point who knows your OH might say something different. But then you might also. And if too much time passes and you need to sit down and talk with him to see where you stand then of course do so.

 

[Urchin]

My OH also said no to more kids after Mason (who was an accident)

He came round, with a few years of pestering LOL

 

[Happybunny]

When my OH and I got together at 20, he said he definately did not want marriage or children ever. I was too young then anyway and was just happy to be with him.

We got to 23 and he proposed , (his peers at work had started getting married and I think he finally realised it wasn't some scary thing that ends your life) but he said that he wanted it to be a childless marriage. He just couldn't imagine being a father.
After much soul searching, I decided that I would rather be married to him than anyone else and have kids. We married aged 24.

I was resigned to not having children, however, over the years, friends and family having children around us made OH have a complete turn around!! Seriously! It was odd, he went from a complete child-phobic, to being quite excited at the prospect. We started TTC at 28.

Here we are aged 30, married with our first baby due any day. It is funny because OH says he definately only wants one child. I am not holding my breath.....

It has become obvious to me that some men just need time to get used to ideas. They have preconceived notions of what 'marriage' and 'family' mean, but given time and opportunity to think about what they want, their ideas change.
I am not saying all men are like this, but I hope your partner is and he just needs time.

 

[mary70]

hi hun try not to worry I said i never wanted another after kie and that i would never get married but after 14 years i had Hannah through choice and i got married last year after being togeather 22 years so dont give up hope feelings do change

 

[Suzie and Faith]

I think it's ok to feel the way you do
I want lots of kids (I think) and i always said i wanted them with a small age gap - though i wasn't planning on starting my family for 5 years!)
Maybe talk to him and see what his issues with marriage and children are, and whether he is saying NO full stop or just 'wait and see'

xxxx

 

[Becky]

I can agree with the other girls here - men only know what they want right now (food or sex ) Seriously, my husband wanted children but couldn't imagine being a dad before he was 30, well Lu was born when he was 27! Give him time to forget how hard the sleepless nights are and he might have a different perspective on things!

 

[Emmylou]

Hopefully this is just how is feeling for the time being, not full stop.

Have a chat with him, and explain how you are feeling, and that you don't have any intentions to plan either marriage or TTC for a few years yet, but you need to know whether he is ruling it out altogether.

As another poster said, it may take a few years to forget about the big change, the sleepless nights etc, he may take you by surprise in a few years and suggest it himself

 

[Penstraze]

When me and DH got together I was advised against it by lots of people because I worked in childcare and he hated kids, he never wanted to have kids or get married and I was told if I did to stay well away cause would only get hurt, obviously I ignored all these people
There were times when the thought of never getting married or especially him never wanting children really got to me especially recently when I was having hormone troubles and couldn't get on with anything he offered to have the snip it really shocked and upset me that he really didn't want children that much that he would do something so permanent.
When I found out I was pregnant it was such a shock and he was totally against it we had a very upsetting couple of days where I really felt I would be doing it all alone but once he got over the shock he's really come round to it and is currently excitedly trying to decide what travel system he wants, we recently got married both the things I thought would never happen! There were times I thought am I willing to sacrafice the things I want my dreams for this man but I quickly decided yes if it was ment to be it would be and I love him he makes me happy, what would be the point in having kids and marrage if they wernt with the man I love!!! If you are ment to have more children and get married it will happen at some point just because he is against it now doesn't mean he always will be!!

 

[Red_Fairy]

edited as i think its unrelated.

 

[Tangerinedream]

TP I know exactly how you feel, I could have written your post almost word for word.

When I say I'd like another baby some day his response is "you'll have to find another man to father it then because Im not" to which I feel like slapping him, especially as he says it around other people too. I keep thinking to myself... keep saying that Mr, and watch what happens!

Men can be real aresholes sometimes