Hello thank you for the replies - you bunch of sweethearts!
It went fine. I think I felt nervous as I had a very shit shit night and I didn't sleep and I've spent the majority of last night and today crying
I even refused to see my mum this morning - and I always want to see my mum. Since coming out of hospital I've felt very detatched from the baby and last night it really hit me that I felt absolutely nothing for him anymore and I wanted him out so I could get back on with my life. I was terrified I wouldn't stop thinking this as I know it is a horrible thing to think and that they would take the baby away from me
That makes me sound like the most terrible person in the world doesn't it - I'm lucky enough to get this far in my pregnancy this time so why should I now feel this way? Thankfully I have stopped feeling like this now I have spoken to my midwife and I think it was the pressure and stress of everything making me feel detatched, and maybe a touch of my past depression history creeping up and making it seem all the more worse. I'm not messed up in the head - I promise!
I sat in my midwife Carol's office and just burst into tears. She gave me a massive hug and asked me what on earth was wrong. I told her about everything and she was furious that the hospital had not contacted her and told her what was going on. She had no idea. She said the hospital have put far too much worry on me and should have explained more what was going on instead of leaving me to have to find the answers and explanations. She explained my cervix could hold out till my EDD and that although I should rest and not work, I don't have to take it to extreme as staying in bed all day - which I am abviously relieved about!
She also said that due to the fact I am quite tiny (5ft4" and pre-preg size 8-10) I am probably feeling things far more than someone who is bigger than me. But then obviously, this does not mean I should put up with any pains that I am feeling. She explained how I should monitor my contractions more closely, how I can help then settle down if they are just Braxton Hicks and if in doubt ALWAYS ring her, and that I should stop worrying that she'll think I am a neurotic first time mother.
She was brilliant and gave a few big hugs, which I very much needed. She was so reasuring and totally put my mind at rest about ever calling her. She told me when she was on shift and said just ring her even for a chat and she will come over to my house. She wants to see me weekly now though already to keep an eye on things more closely.
We talked a bit more about my cervix effacing and stuff and she explained that really my cervix should not have got like this already (1cm short and soft-which is fairly 'ripe'), and the added pressure of baby already being head down and me being petite probably hasn't helped it. She explained I could have had a shorter than normal cervix to start off with which I would never of known about unless they did a scan earlier in the pregnancy to see. I am obviously now quite close to being fully effaced and starting to dilate so I have to monitor tightenings closely.
She said she is surprised they didn't scan the baby just to check him, but then he is fine and has been throughout so she said they may just have not seen the need - which I guess is understandable.
So all in all I feel a lot better for going, and know that I do love my baby very much. I don't want him out now at all and I was just having a very emotional low point. I am still at the same risk of pre-term labour as before but said the steroids should keep him going if he does come early and that he has a very good chance of surviving. He is a good sized lump already apparently which I am pleased about! So I could be here still PG for another week or 13 weeks - it really does totally depend on my body now.
Thank you very very much for listening to me go on and on and on. Your all brilliant and I don't think I could have got this far without you. I really didn't expect a response to the thread but am touched you replied. You guys are a rock. Thank you.
xxx
