Male perspective - First miscarriage advise

[Inotex]

I’m 26, and me and my wife are going through our first miscarriage for our first pregnancy and I have no idea how to deal with it.

We found out last week (16th October) that we were pregnant, after being told it would be difficult to conceive, however the lines on the 48 hourly pregnancy tests started to go faint.

I work a pretty demanding job and over the last two weeks my manager has been away so I have been having to look after the team. My wife arranged to go for a private blood test to check the levels of HCG, which were in the 70s (when they were supposed to be in the 200+) but was unable to go with her due to work, although I was able to come and see her in my lunch break.

Yesterday, she arranged a GP telephone appointment in the afternoon for that evening to see if they could arrange a appointment to go to see a GP face to face in case of an ectopic pregnancy. I had a dinner where I needed to be for work, and tried to set it so I could go before my wife said to stay and that there was nothing I could do, before half an hour later asking for me to come, which I did. However the dinner was about an hour away so I arrived too late to accompany her.

Today she had her second blood test, thankfully a decrease, so very unlikely to be ectopic, but it does confirm a miscarriage. Again I couldn’t be there for the tests, but was able to see her in lunch.

I’m still coming to terms with loosing the baby, that I havn’t even shed a tear until I wrote this down.

I’m worried I’ve been emotionally distant and we’ve just had a big fight over me not supporting her emotionally through this. I’m not the sort of person to “air dirty laundry” but I wanted to post on here, firstly to get my thoughts written down, but also what I as the husband can do to help my wife get through this, as I feel guilty for not being there for the blood tests, and for not understanding what my wife is going through?

We’re seeing the GP on Monday (definitely not going into work that day) where I’m assuming we’ll be offered to do a D + C or a pill or wait naturally. I am siding for the D & C as it has the most closure, something I feel would help my wife. What would your advice be on this?

I’m also down to run a “Tough Mudder” half marathon on Sunday, something that ever since we’ve found out that there was a problem, I’ve thought in my head that I can burn all my guilt doing that, which would mean I’m not with my wife for half a day on Sunday; so I don’t know if I should cancel doing the race to spend the whole day with her, or I could arrange one of her girlies she hasn’t seen for a long time to be with her?

Lastly, for me, my mind is on how to move forward, does anyone know how long after a miscarriage you should wait before trying again?

Thank you

 

[Inotex]

Oh also, I know there is a separate thread for miscarriage, but my wife views it all the time, so buried this here!

 

[kaz1983]

Sorry for your loss i think iv maybe commented on ur wifes thread

Its tough on the man too but in my experience they dont tend to show their emotions much...we were told at 12week scan our baby had stopped growing at 9weeks so we had medical management for our miscarriage

My husband carried on as normal going to work an his duties with the air cadets as he felt it kept him occupied - the tough mudder wud prob help u get out sum emotions i know iv kept my anger inside an its not a gd thing

Ur wife wont think any less of u if u cry i wanted my husband to cry ...it takes alot of strength to get thru a miscarriage but ul get there its never gonna b forgotten about so dont feel guilty about having fun an not focusing solely on wats happened

We are trying again but its not constant trying x

 

[Melily24]

Hi. I'm sorry to hear you and your wife are going through this. I think I also replied to your wife's thread.

I've had a mmc - our first pregnancy and in June this year I had a mc, our 4th pregnancy.

The best advice I can give re supporting your wife - is let her be however she wants to be. If she needs cry, scream, talk etc.. let her do it. Don't ask her constantly how she feels, but do ask now and again. My husband never ever mentioned either of our miscarriages, and esp the first one was very, very hard on me. I hated that he never mentioned the baby, never asked how I was etc.. This was just his way. It was easier for him to move on, then for me. Simply because I think its harder for men to understand as we are the one's with the baby in our body, the hormones, tiredness etc..

There is no set time for your wife (or you) to be "over" the miscarriage. If ever. My first baby is never far from my thoughts.

Did you know your estimated due date? Either the one from dr or one that you worked out yourself? Remember that date, your wife for sure will and will need your support then. Not just the actual date, but the time going up to that date.

A memento for the baby is usually very helpful for Mothers. Even though your baby wasn't full term or born, your wife is a Mother. When I felt ready after my mmc I bought myself a charm bracelet with a charm on it to remember my baby. Once my other 2 monkey's came along, I added a charm for them as well. Your wife might like to do something like that.

the run sounds like a good idea for you - but check how your wife feels about it. You also need to take care of yourself. And if you want to cry, talk etc.. do it. Don't keep it in.

The first 2 months after a mc, your wife will be very fertile. Unless the dr says otherwise, there should be nothing stopping you from trying again as soon as bleeding has stopped, if thats what you both want.

I hope I've helped abit.

Sending you both big hugs.
xxx

 

[Melily24]

Sorry just reread. About the D&C. All depends on your wife as she is the one that needs to go through it or through the natural process. I had a D&C with my first as my body was just not doing it itself - 4 weeks later. 2nd one was a natural miscarriage. Not really sure which one to recommend. I know someone who was given the pill and they said the cramping was horrific. I wouldn't want to go through that. I had bad cramping when it came time for the sac to pass, but it only lasted about 3 hours. Make sure the Dr tells you both what happens with both options, before and after. Then your wife and you have all the information and can make your decision. xxx

 

[Inotex]

Thank you, we're seeing GP on Monday, but i'm inclined to go for D&C as over quicker.

I was just in pets at home, and I gestured to a dad and his son to go ahead of me in the queue - he was on the phone and just said "sorry I'm not in the queue, just trying to get the wife to let us get a pet." That just floored me and keeps playing in my head.

Just brought a charm for a bracelet, I think that would help. I'm just wanted to do all we can now so we can "get back on the horse" and try again as soon as possible