Looking for advice for a soon to be newbie single mum

[ashley_pgc]

Hi,

My boyfriend of 6 years and myself found out we were pregnant earlier this year. It wasn't planned, just happened and at the start he was all excited to start a new chapter of our lives. I was 6 weeks gone when we found out. 3 weeks afterwards (9 weeks pregnant) he decides he no longer wants to be in a relationship with me and left me. With this I've had to pack up the flat we had together all on my own as he moved back into his mums, and I've had to move back into mums and sleep on a sofa bed as I have no where else to go.

He said he still wants to be in the baby's life but since he left me i hear from him only when there is a scan or appointment so he can tag along but does not stay in contact with me to discuss the upbringing of our child.

Now we have split the circumstances for the upbringing of our baby have changed obviously now I'm a single mum with a new born. I don't want the baby being passed from house to house constantly as a newborn which he is expecting to happen and won't listen to me when I say the baby needs stability and routine, am I right to say that?

I am now 21 weeks pregnant and he is going on about rights as a father, I am not sure what this all entails? We are not married and as I said I've been on my own since 9 weeks pregnant....

Anyone got some advice or tips? Thank you

 

[Blueclass]

Im afraid not but if you breast feed your baby wont be able to be without you. Keep firm tell him he can see your baby at your mums as you will feed non stop. Keep any correspondence incase he takes you to court. X

 

[JD.Deedee]

Chances that he has money to go to court are slim if he moves back in with his parents. Stuff like that cost tens of thousands of pounds. (I have been told by a solicitor who does family law) he has rights if you put him on the birth certificate and he has to be present. He'd also have to go through the courts to do that if you would register baby without him. Tho he needs to be on if you would want him to pay for child support if he wouldn't do so voluntarily. But that's all your decision to make. You also get priority on the housing being a single and pregnant.

You can also just ring a solicitor who does family law who can confirm these things over the phone and that wouldn't cost you anything x

 

[firsttimemum29]

Sorry to hear you are in this situation. I agree that a baby needs routine, whether that be in one home or two. I think whatever you decide perhaps should be early on so any sort of routine can be estsblished. But, it also depends how you feed the baby, if you are breastfeeding its not comfortable for your body to go for hours without feeding or expressing. Hope you can sort something out between you. Sending hugs.

 

[yesol]

hugs.
stay strong. you don't have to push yourself to someone.
he should visit you if he wants to see your child. keep open communication though.

 

[Papermoon]

Sorry this has happened to you. I agree with the others. The baby does need stability and to feel safe. I would never trust my newborn out of my sight like that. He can see the baby but the baby needs to stay with you. Breast feeding will help ensure that. Also if he's not going to provide for the baby which it sounds like he won't, then don't put his name on the birth certificate. Even if courts try to make him pay, you can't squeeze blood from from a turnip. Having his name on the birth certificate may not be worth the hassel of him trying to play up on his legal rights as the father. That way he can't just waltz in and out of baby's life whenever he wants, causing trouble and upsetting the routine. If he will be a stable father figure who can help you financially with the baby then you can put his name on there. I think I would start looking into advice from a lawyer now while it's still early to see what your best options are.

 

[KateK]

I'm sure this is a horrible situation for you to have landed in, especially whilst pregnant but just to play devil's advocate, do you not owe it to your child to make it work so they can have their father in their life? I don't know him obviously, but it sounds as though he's being quite proactive in making sure he's going to be able to see his child and he has the right to (morally I mean, not sure about all the legalities.) If he really cares about the wellbeing of your child then he should be on board.. I'm sure it's absolutely terrifying, the prospect of custody battles and the such, the last thing you want is for things to turn sour and for him to turn. Try your hardest to see past your broken heart and compromise as much as you think is reasonable. He also needs to be mature and selfless enough to understand that the baby will need its Mum as a newborn, as the others have said especially when it comes to breastfeeding. I really hope you work something out with him, I don't underestimate how tough it's going to be for you.. xx

 

[tinselcat]

Hi

Sorry to hear how your ex has reacted. Literally running back to his mother...!

First of all, go with your instincts as a parent. You are right that baby needs stability, and you will be the primary carer.

Re parental rights - I believe whether you put a father's name on the birth certificate or not makes a big difference. I don't know what this entails but it's probably worth googling or getting some proper advice from someone.

I've just had a whole "access" battle with my ex and the legal bills are insane (several tens of thousands of pounds). Of course you/he can just represent yourselves rather than paying for a solicitor/barrister but there's a reason these guys get hired in the first place.

I hope for your sake he's just having a temporary crisis and basically grows up & starts giving you proper support.

The fact however that he won't listen to you, and is already going on about his rights, is a big red flag about his likely future behaviour. I strongly suggest you speak with your midwife so she can get you in touch with some people who can offer initial support/advice.

xxx

 

[JamsMom]

If you choose not to put him on the birth certificate he'll be a bit stuffed. BUT you have to do what's right for your baby NOT you. That's your priority, if he doesn't want to be with you then he'll have his reasons for that and that's better than dragging you along. If I'm honest it sounds like he's still doing a commendable thing and wanting to be in his baby's life. A newborn couldn't be away from Mom and I'm sure if you explained the reasons for this he'd understand. Regarding routine and stability, that will be whatever baby learns early on, be that having 2 houses or 1.

My son is now 10, myself and his father separated when he was 1. We split 50:50, it was hard for me at first yes, but that was the best choice for my boy and he's at my house 4 days and his dad's 4 days and for him that is routine, it's all he knows and he's very happy. He loves his dad, and I know if I had restricted that he would be letting me know about it now he's older!

Too many men split up, walk away and want nothing to do with their children. If he is generally wanting the involvement it sounds like and is 100% in it forever then that's the best thing for your child. He has just as much right as you do to see that child and if you think otherwise (I'm not saying you are) then you're putting yourself first.

But no, if you decide. Regardless of the changes in law if you don't put him on the birth certificate for no reason other than to take away his rights. Then you'll be 'in charge' so to speak. That doesn't mean that's the right decision.

Hope you take this constructively and not critically.

X

 

[Kitten1991]

Hi,

My boyfriend of 6 years and myself found out we were pregnant earlier this year. It wasn't planned, just happened and at the start he was all excited to start a new chapter of our lives. I was 6 weeks gone when we found out. 3 weeks afterwards (9 weeks pregnant) he decides he no longer wants to be in a relationship with me and left me. With this I've had to pack up the flat we had together all on my own as he moved back into his mums, and I've had to move back into mums and sleep on a sofa bed as I have no where else to go.

He said he still wants to be in the baby's life but since he left me i hear from him only when there is a scan or appointment so he can tag along but does not stay in contact with me to discuss the upbringing of our child.

Now we have split the circumstances for the upbringing of our baby have changed obviously now I'm a single mum with a new born. I don't want the baby being passed from house to house constantly as a newborn which he is expecting to happen and won't listen to me when I say the baby needs stability and routine, am I right to say that?

I am now 21 weeks pregnant and he is going on about rights as a father, I am not sure what this all entails? We are not married and as I said I've been on my own since 9 weeks pregnant....

Anyone got some advice or tips? Thank you

Hey lovely! I went through a similar thing with my ex, I haven't ever closed the door but he never gets in touch and said almost the exact same things!!
Since little lady was born he has seen her 3 times, she will be 1 in April.
I was very firm on he was not having her away from me ect as he could not be trusted.
If he is not on the birth certificate he has NO rights, he has no rights while you are pregnant either.
I spoke to my midwife and health visitor throughout and they helped me so so much!
I understand exactly what you are going through xxx