Long Rant. So Angry with OH after Loss

[uknitty]

My Ept was diagnosed on 30th Dec. I was managed medically( despite having to fight so hard and being left for 6 DAYS before being given the first shot because my consultant kept trying to get me to "Change my mind") On 22nd January, I had the EPT removed by Laporotomy. I had not ruptured, but I had lost almost 2 pints of blood. Apparently this had been an ongoing slow leak as opposed to a sudden rupture. The ectopic was quite large by all acounts (6cm) and as far as I can calculate I was about 11 weeks pregnant on the day of the operation. The surgeon removed the tissue and was able to repair the tube. He knew how strongly I felt about this. I refused to let the original consultant carry out the procedure because quite frankly I didn't trust him.

Anyway the reason I am posting here now, is I am feeling very low and very angry.

The only day my OH took off work to be with me in this whole thing was the day I was actually taken in to hospital as an emergency.

He already has an 11 year old son from a previous relationship. He does not want his son to know the exact nature of what happened to me. In short he has no idea about the pregnancy at all.

I know its quite normal for men to "Carry on as normal" but I am really struggling - we have his son stay with us about 25% of the time. In addition to not taking any time off work to be with me, OH also has kept the childcare schedule the same. Something I really struggle with - especially as I have to keep my "secret" from his son.

To top it all off, recently his son has started complaining about strange unidentifiable stomach pains.(He knows I had an operation on my stomach, but that all) This has happened both weekends he has stayed at our house since I got out of hospital.

On Saturday OH's son was "too ill" to get off the sofa, so OH left me to look after him all afternoon while he went to town to pick meet a friend and pick up a few groceries. (On Valentines Day to top it off !)

I am so screamingly angry that he expects me to be skip though being able to look after another woman's child when I have gone through a major operation and lost two pregnancies in six months. For goodness sake, OH should be looking after me - not expecting me to have the strength either physically or emotionally to care for anyone else right now.

I've been out of hospital less than 3 weeks and this is just too painful for me to deal with - especially with what feels like zero support or empathy from his side.

I have tried to explain, but I just get emotional. OH tells me I am "crazy" and "nasty" for being like this - but I can't help it. I don't want to take it out on an 11 year old - but this questionable "stomach pain" ( which disappears with promise of x-box or visits to friends) he seems to have developed is to be frank quite upsetting. Especially as this "questionable" illness seems to take precedent over my very real operation.

( this really is a long vent)

So yeah. I've got a whole melting pot of raw stingy emotions heating up right now

Also allow me to add to the long spiel of everything that is wrong in the universe right now...

My Gran died on the 18th Jan. I couldn't go to the funeral cos I was in hospital.

That is knocking me sideways as well.

I just feel like *everything* is being taken away from me all at once, and everyone else just expects me to keep quiet and get on with it like a good little girl.

OH has been resigned to the spare bedroom. I do love him very much but his refusal to move on this, and wanting to stick to the "normal" routine is driving me to despair. I honestly don't know how the hell I am going to get through this, I feel like I want to take a holiday from my own life

 

[Chopsie]

I really feel for you.

I can't begin to imagine how traumatic it must be to go through what you've been through, but I've read all your posts and have really admired how well you seem to have coped with it all.

I know men tend to cope with things by taking a 'keep calm and carry on' kind of attitude - which is easy for them when it's not their body that's been through the physical trauma of surgery, let alone the emotional wrench of losing a pregnancy. I know there are ectopic pregnancy support groups out there - is it worth asking your OH to speak to them to try and get a perspective on just why it is so hard for you to just 'snap back' into normality? Speaking to someone 'objective' might help him to help you, rather than just try and force you to pretend nothing's happened. You need to heal physically and emotionally - and grieve for the pregnancy you have lost. He's probably not ignorant to all of this, but probably just finds it easier to block it out than try and cope with it - I know this is how my husband has coped with emotional traumas in the past. But by doing that, it makes it twice as hard when it does finally hit you.

You will resolve this situation - have you thought about writing down how you feel - or maybe showing him what you've written here? Sometimes I find that's easier, as you can stay focussed, and the other person can't butt in and send you off track.

 

[chezzabell]

what a awful time u have had

do u not think sometimes this is how men deal with situations??? ive never been threw anything like this with my OH but im pretty sure he would act like this, and I know its cos he just wouldnt know what to say or do!!!

 

[KikoDinoGirl]

Gosh. No wonder you are angry, you are still trying to cope with so much loss at the moment, and still bearing the physical scars as well as the emotional. This must be awful for you. I don't want to offer advice because there are no right answers, but I wanted to say I read your post and if you want to PM feel free. Even if it's just to talk about something else xxx

 

[HannahD]

Sorry you're going through such an ordeal at home, it's very hard when your partner's not supportive and just adds to the emotional turmoil. Instead of talking to him about it and getting emotional so you don't get the words out properly, how about writing him a letter then you can take your time over what you want to say and he can read it all in one go without any interruptions and maybe he'll understand a bit better?

I think it's very inconsiderate of him to expect you to carry on as normal with his son. You need time to grieve and this isn't helping, especially as you're not supposed to tell him about it. Maybe you could just slip it into the conversation somewhere!!

Hope you feel better soon sweetie, take good care of yourself xx

 

[trixipaws]

awww honey i dont even know what to say



sounds like things are really harsh atm, and ur OH is being VERY harsh with you. calling you "nasty" and "crazy"???????? that is bang out of order!!!!!!

my OH was wonderfully patient with me when i had my mc, he would NEVER have said anything like that! and what i went through pales a bit in comparison to your ordeal. not that that matters! he should be supportive anyway

aww i hope u got someone close to u whom can give u those much needed hugs and space x x x x

 

[SassyRS]

im so sorry to hear you are feeling so alone huni!

men can be so insensitive at times cant they, and if there not insensitive they just dont show ANY emotion at all..

if you need to talk just pm me xx

 

[Jaded Diamond]

My words aren't so great at the moment, but would you feel comfortable maybe writing down how you're feeling at the moment, as I know when we'd had a few losses within a couple of years G just shutdown and "kept going" whilst I was falling apart inside. And it drove me insane. And that was without a step child being involved in there too. But by writing it down it keeps your emotions away from what he needs to read/hear but at the same time whilst you're writing it out you get to get it all out of your head. iykwim?
I hope that makes some sort of sense. Millions of hugs.
xxx

 

[uknitty]

I post on here to get it all out. It does help definitely.

 

[Jaded Diamond]

I have an online diary (opendiary) where I get all of my deep dark angry thoughts out.
Definately helps at times like these.
Wish there was a way to get men to feel the emotions and stuff that we feel
You can always pm me if you need a major rant. xxxx

 

[dina.marie]

life really doesnt seem to be treating u very nicely at the moment

with my losses i didnt feel that OH was as supportive as he could have been (took 2 days off work when i was in hosp for a week and had a month off work) anyway i guess they just deal with things differently but it is soo frustrating to see them just get on with their life. i couldnt stand to be around anyone elses kids for a long time, its got easier with time but i felt similar to you.
your right i think u do need a holiday from ur life. sod flaming "routine" u need to take some time out to recover from your huge loss. i hope u start to feel better