Ladies - I need a little support (long, sad and off topic)

[libs]

I know this isn't TTC - but this kind of feels like home

I didn't grow up with one of my half brothers and my biological father. I only got to know them 14 years ago and as they don't live close, it was always a distant relationship. My step mother died a few years back now and my father moved to Turkey so I'm my brother's only relative in the UK.
Within weeks of my step mum dying, my brother married his gf as she was pregnant and he is in the forces. The girl he married is ...weird.. is the nicest way I can say it - she's not quite the full picnic if you get me. My brother is also a little weird - my biological father was v strict and he only got affection off his mum.
When the first baby was born, social services took the child away from them for neglect, and after a while of him living supervised with her parents they allowed him back. They now have 2 children. They are pretty useless - at her daughter's christening - she forget her and I had to take her to the do afterwards
My brother is ridiculously strict with the toddler and baby, and I've always had my concerns about the children but more in a general neglect way (faces always dirty etc) I don't see them v often.
My sil just called to say that my brother has been arrested for physical abuse of the children - smacked and left a mark. Her mother has taken the children for a few days. Shes making excuses that one social services tells her one thing and another another thing (they move around a lot with being in the forces) What she's told me is ridiculous - and I don't believe her (parenting course telling her to start potty training at 12 months and hold the child on the potty till they use it...I don't think so)
I can't drop everything and go down. I want to just strangle them and feel like just bollocking them for this (sorry for the bad language). Her mother has the children till Sunday. I have some time off work in the next few weeks and could go to visit, but I feel like even if I go down to help then nothing will get through their thick heads anyway. Apart from the fact I know I would be angry with them.
I'm also doubtful about how much I want to get involved..that sounds horrible but this side of the family just drain any energy I have. But I feel horribly guilty that if this was my nieces and nephews here - I would move the earth to look after them - I did when my sister had postnatal psychosis and I looked after her son most days with DS even though they were newborn and 12 months old.

just feel like crying and half of me wants to get on a train now and go to my niece and nephew and the other half wants to change my tel no so they can't call..

 

[mum2be?]

i really dont know what to say hunny.

But i know if it mwas my neice or nephew i would have to say something & want something to be done about it.

 

[mrs_tommo22]

Hi libs,

sorry to hear its all kivking off with you and your family.Its all you need really after you are TTC and get on with things.
Every family has its loons hun,including me and i prob shouldnt comment on your brother but if hes smacking the kids and leavinbg marks then he needs ti get help with his temper, ie anger mamnagement and sounds like your SIL aint the full ticket and needs support wioth the children.

Would your neices and nephews benefit from you going to see them or would it cause more probs?Last thing you want is a family argumenbt and making things worse.
Though i hope things get sorted and you can stop stressing hunni.

Big hugs

 

[libs]

thanks

they definately both need help and a kick up the backside.

The problem is that although her mother is helping, I'm not sure that she's much better. Feeding a 2 yr old toddler just boiled potato for a main meal...

I know I wouldn't just kick off - but I also won't listen to excuses..
I think if I go down and spend a few days in their house, at least I could clean up and show her how to cook etc and maybe show how to discipline a little child without constantly shouting or smacking (I use to smack Josh's hands for doing dangerous things but not for just being naughty.. )

TTCing isn't helping, it's that what's wrong with the world feeling again, but I'm not allowing that to change how I feel.

 

[libs]

and just to top it all off - I've ended up having a cigarette..
I haven't smoked in months, but just opened a pack of DHs and had one.

 

[puppylove]

Oh dear libs wot a terrible thing u have to go through, im really not sure how i would handle it if i where u but i think u should go with wot ur heart is telling u, mayb u should go c the kids for a few days so u can c for urself wots happening and how they r mayb c'ing another part of there family would help them, i really dont know.

Please let us know how things go.

puppy

 

[Babylicious]

 

[muppetmummy]

So sorry to hear you have all this to worry about Libs. If you go down and try and teach her a few things do you think she'll take it on board, or do you think she'll slip back into her old ways.

It might sound a bit harsh, and I hope I don't upset you, but perhaps you should consider contacting social services yourself and voicing your concerns. Some people cannot be helped unless they actually want to be helped. They might not even realise that they're doing anything wrong.

Would your biological father be able to help if you told him ehat was going on? Maybe he could have a word with your brother?

Don't worry about the cigarette, it's not the end of the world. Just don't use it as an excuse to have another like I used to do when trying to quit!

I really hope that this gets sorted out somehow

 

[Mildly]

Aww That sounds like a difficult situation

I think it sounds like they need parenting classes, do the forces has some sort of support service that may be able to assist with this? I agree that contacting social services yourself and voicing your concerns would be a good move.

 

[katyk]

Libs my inkling is that as it's not a close relationship you have with your brother, I would avoid getting involved as much as you can. It will only do your head in at this moment in time.

It sounds like social services have a very beady eye on these children, and they will keep an eye on them don't worry. They will take the children off them when needed, and they can also force them to attend parenting classes.

Keep in touch with the family in general and help in small ways, and let your neice/nephew know they can visit whenever they want when they're older.

But this couple will just get angry at much help, seeing it as interference.

They could get aggro too, if they have no qualms about being violent even with their own kids.

Concentrate on your own needs and those of your own family, I'm sure there's more than enough there to keep you busy. Try not to feel responsibility and guilt when there's nothing you can really do.

As the serenity prayer goes

''Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference."

It shows what a good person you are that you care, but for your own peace of mind, try not to get too emotionally involved.

Best wishes,
Kath

P.S. If he's been arrested for hitting one of the children, the police will have informed social services. And as they've had a child taken off them for a while before, the children will be on the 'at risk' register at some point. So rest assured they are probably keeping an eye out, but if need be you could ring their local social services and voice your concerns (perhaps anonymously, or ask them to keep your identity anonymous.) They may well reassure you.

 

[gingerpig]

Great answer KatyK, says all the things I wanted to but much more eloquently

 

[libs]

Don't worry social services have never been uninvolved with these children otherwise I would have called them long ago and forces welfare have been involved since day 1 virtually too, and he's been removed from duty atm as he was due to go to a warzone in the next few weeks - have a feeling his job may be on the line now.

They wouldn't kick off at me.... cos I'm a lot scarier than them 2 But I think not getting too involved is right too - I just feel guilty is all - human nature I guess My bio father wouldn't be much use and is v self involved.

Thanks all of you - I can't speak to my family here about this as this bit of the family is mine alone, and for me - not having the support of my mum and sisters is a v weird situation and I felt all alone with this

 

[mrs_tommo22]

thanks

they definately both need help and a kick up the backside.

The problem is that although her mother is helping, I'm not sure that she's much better. Feeding a 2 yr old toddler just boiled potato for a main meal...

I know I wouldn't just kick off - but I also won't listen to excuses..
I think if I go down and spend a few days in their house, at least I could clean up and show her how to cook etc and maybe show how to discipline a little child without constantly shouting or smacking (I use to smack Josh's hands for doing dangerous things but not for just being naughty.. )

TTCing isn't helping, it's that what's wrong with the world feeling again, but I'm not allowing that to change how I feel.

Libs if you can go down there and show her how to cook a basic meal, ie mash potaoe and peas for example then you have achieved something and so has their mum!Nutrious meals dont have to be expensive as we all know and the basics of cooking are not hard at all.
There is no need to live in the dark ages anymore is there? and sounds like this girel could dso with your advice and help and your family will benefit too,she might not like it, but she obviously needs it to be a happy parent and be abetter parent to her children.
I hope your brother realises what hesa doing is wrong, and he will only make the children frightend of him and they will remeber the smacks and shouting as they get older, i hope he goes to the right people and gets help for his bahaviour.

Libs maybe in doing this you will be opening yourself up as bit and doing something else in helping you TTC, you never know you might get lucky soon with it all and thios may help you take your kind off it all!
Best of luck sweetie with whatever you decide too do.

 

[mrs_tommo22]

thanks

they definately both need help and a kick up the backside.

The problem is that although her mother is helping, I'm not sure that she's much better. Feeding a 2 yr old toddler just boiled potato for a main meal...

I know I wouldn't just kick off - but I also won't listen to excuses..
I think if I go down and spend a few days in their house, at least I could clean up and show her how to cook etc and maybe show how to discipline a little child without constantly shouting or smacking (I use to smack Josh's hands for doing dangerous things but not for just being naughty.. )

TTCing isn't helping, it's that what's wrong with the world feeling again, but I'm not allowing that to change how I feel.

Libs if you can go down there and show her how to cook a basic meal, ie mash potaoe and peas for example then you have achieved something and so has their mum!Nutrious meals dont have to be expensive as we all know and the basics of cooking are not hard at all.
There is no need to live in the dark ages anymore is there? and sounds like this girel could dso with your advice and help and your family will benefit too,she might not like it, but she obviously needs it to be a happy parent and be abetter parent to her children.
I hope your brother realises what hesa doing is wrong, and he will only make the children frightend of him and they will remeber the smacks and shouting as they get older, i hope he goes to the right people and gets help for his bahaviour.

Libs maybe in doing this you will be opening yourself up as bit and doing something else in helping you TTC, you never know you might get lucky soon with it all and thios may help you take your kind off it all!
Best of luck sweetie with whatever you decide too do.