Just want to burst into tears

[joshysmummy]

I'm having a really tough time at the moment with my 4 year old. His behaviour is getting worse and worse. His attitude , the way he speaks to people, he never is grateful for anything, we try to take him to nice places and end up leaving early everytime because he plays up so much. Today his playschool called me in because they had singing class and all the parents were in and Joshua out of the blue just strangled another child and wrestled him to floor. Now i have all the parents up the school talking behind my back. I dont want him to be seen as the naughty child and the one thats the other mums are telling there children to stay away from. I want him to have friends and the thoguht of no one wanting to plauy with him really upsets me. I've snuck of for a cheeky cry whilst hes with nanny but any help or advice would be much appricaited . Thank you

 

[MrsR]

Firstly massive What's his behaviour like at home? Has there been any changes in his life/routine? What consequences do his bad behaviours have ie-if he smacks you what do you do? Do you give him time out? Or sticker charts?


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[MrsR]

Sorry they were all questions, I just want to know what you're doing or have done already so I can advise a bit more


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[Piglet10]

/\/\ WSS!! xx

 

[joshysmummy]

well me and his dad did share his time between us .. he was with his dad 4 days a week and me 3, nows hes with me full time and sees his dad on saturdays so thats a change. and now hes with me ive had to change his playschool to one nearer me .. he was at his old one for 2 years. I know its a ll new environment and im sure it has something to do with his behaviour. Hes dad quite a pessimistic person and always seems to be in a mood which i think has had a rub of on affect on him. hes does seem to get very moody and is very short tempered much like his dad.

we do the naughty step and sometimes he has to stay in his room for 4 minutes (minute for each year of age)
we take away things he likes for a day or so, ban he treats if hes misbehaved.
It just seems everything goes in one ear and out the other , like he doesnt remember something we have been talking about 5 minutes before.
His behaviour at home varies. He can be so well behaved then other times hes a nightmare.
Its a change for all of us and i know adjusting is going to have to happen, its just upsetting me seeing my little boy confused and feeling like im out of depth with what to do at the moment.

 

[Piglet10]

can i be cheeky and ask do you think your consistent enough? my friend had similar issues and she thought she was being consistent but she was told to write down how she dealt with things etc and she found she wasnt, this was only half her problem.

tbh in my opinion it sounds like he might be a little insecure :/ like it sounds like a lot of upheaval and changes for a 4 year old and maybe hes testing the boundaries etc. maybe try doing the whole rewarding as much even if its tiny positive behaviour you can, try giving loadsa cuddles and telling him how much you love him all the time see if it helps?? try ignoring his bad behaviour i know its tough and normally there should be consequences but if hes testing the water cos hes insecure it might help??

hes at an awkward age where he probably doesnt understand and probably thinks his dad doesnt want him?? im not sure if im making sense :/ xx

 

[joshysmummy]

I probably could be more consistent yeah .. i think im trying to not be so hard on him because i know its a huge change but i think i do sometimes say something then dont follow it through.

i never thought of he might be thinking his dad doesnt want him. its mainly down to work issues and now everything is more settled in the long run him being here with me most of time which obviously i prefer.
Me and my partner are trying to conceive also, which Josh does know about and goes on about wanting a little brother or sister, im thinking its either going to be a really good thing or make him worse .. i dont know, byt the time we have and the new baby is here im certain life will be balanced again. Josh starts school in september which i think will be great for him. He just missed out on starting this year by a week as his birhtday is in september . He gets so bored only doing 3 hours a day at playschool and the other children there are younger hes the oldest there.
Were just waiting to move into our new family home and start our new life, i want whats best for my little boy and our family, i hate to see him like this because i know hes really such a good child.

Thank you for listening. It feels nice to get it of my chest to someone other then my other half lol xxx

 

[MrsR]

well me and his dad did share his time between us .. he was with his dad 4 days a week and me 3, nows hes with me full time and sees his dad on saturdays so thats a change. and now hes with me ive had to change his playschool to one nearer me .. he was at his old one for 2 years. I know its a ll new environment and im sure it has something to do with his behaviour. Hes dad quite a pessimistic person and always seems to be in a mood which i think has had a rub of on affect on him. hes does seem to get very moody and is very short tempered much like his dad.

we do the naughty step and sometimes he has to stay in his room for 4 minutes (minute for each year of age)
we take away things he likes for a day or so, ban he treats if hes misbehaved.
It just seems everything goes in one ear and out the other , like he doesnt remember something we have been talking about 5 minutes before.
His behaviour at home varies. He can be so well behaved then other times hes a nightmare.
Its a change for all of us and i know adjusting is going to have to happen, its just upsetting me seeing my little boy confused and feeling like im out of depth with what to do at the moment.

Sorry chick I was in the middle of making dinner!

Massive ! He probably is feeling very insecure but don't blame yourself. He'll adjust sweetheart. A child can't always remember what they've done wrong for a length of time so perhaps you could review the 'taking things off him for a day' punishment? Consistency is the absolute key! Are you on good terms with his dad? You guys need to be on the same page, so if you're doing time out for 4 minutes so should he be. Also try to look at your reaction to things. OH and I got into a rut with DD where we were saying 'no' an awful lot and when we actually sat down and thought about it there was a lot of stuff we could have let go or said 'yes' to instead and this made a huge difference to her behaviour. I think that having a very specific time out spot (perhaps a mat or rug that could also be taken to his dad's and used there too) is important. I'd also liase with his new playschool and look at what they use to help control his behaviour. The more routine and consistency you can give him the better I think. I hope this helps.


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[joshysmummy]

Yeah were on good terms me and his dad. were both doing the same things. im making us the same sticker charts for both homes so everythigns the same. we agreed on doing the same morning and night routine with him so thats constant. He has the naughty bottom stair at both homes so hopefully things will start to straighten out. Its still early days since the big change, i can deal with the attitude and the playing up a bit. hes four its bound to happen but its the violence that gets me because i know hes not like that. Hes such a lovely natured boy normally he seems to have all this aggression and he just lets it out , unfortunatly on other people sometimes

Thank you for the reply xx

 

[MrsR]

Aw maybe you could look for a class like a karate class or something to focus his energies?

 

[joshysmummy]

I'm thinking football or gymnastics .. He is always jumping around and handstanding, my only fears with karate is he's a bit young to understand the concept of it and would pronabl try it out on un willing kids lol xx

 

[MrsR]

Aw bless him a boy from my old nursery I worked at started karate at 4 but I think gymnastics would be brilliant x

 

[joshysmummy]

Yeah I'm definatly thinking gymnastics thank you for all your advice xx

 

[leanne1b]

yeah id recommend gymnastics. my daughter goes (purely to have something fun for her). try and get him in a "professional" one , like in a council owned leisure centre or something, rather than a random person renting a school hall or something. my daughters one has squads that compete etc (obv when much older) and in turn they are very structured, but fun. also, the teachers are strict with them.. they dont get away with anything!
Im not really sure what to advise, more than what the others have said. be very consistent. If u or dad have said no about something, make sure u immeidately tell the other so u dont end up accidentally disagreeing with eachother when lo goes to the other one etc.
Honestly, I wouldsit down with him and talk to him. My daughter has a LOT more understanding than people give her credit for (shes 4 too). If she does something wrong, or asks something, Ill tell her. In simple terms, but she understands. x

 

[joshysmummy]

im going to look into the gymnastics today, i think it will be great for him to release all the energy he has , he definatly needs to do more x

 

[Emmamb]

I know exactly how u feel-my 4yo is exactly the same. I have more patience with him than his dad but omg he is a nightmare and it just makes everythin hard work-I can't even take him to the supermarket cos he runs riot then kicks off if he can't get his own way.
He fights with his older brothers but tbh until recently I was too soft on him and just let him get his own way to keep him quiet.
Can't really offer much advice although the gymnastic thing sounds a good idea xx

 

[joshysmummy]

I know exactly how u feel-my 4yo is exactly the same. I have more patience with him than his dad but omg he is a nightmare and it just makes everythin hard work-I can't even take him to the supermarket cos he runs riot then kicks off if he can't get his own way.
He fights with his older brothers but tbh until recently I was too soft on him and just let him get his own way to keep him quiet.
Can't really offer much advice although the gymnastic thing sounds a good idea xx

ive had a visit from the health visitor today and shes told me im doing everything right i just needed a bit of reassurance . she said he sounded like a perfectly normal 4 year old boy he just needs something to focus his energy on. so she gave me numbers for mini football classes and gymnastics so heres hoping this does the trick.

also .. ur DP is gorgeous x

 

[MrsR]

Yay! Glad you're getting somewhere! I think sometimes all us mummy's need is reassurance because it's so scary being a parent sometimes hope he enjoys the gymnastics x

 

[joshysmummy]

Yay! Glad you're getting somewhere! I think sometimes all us mummy's need is reassurance because it's so scary being a parent sometimes hope he enjoys the gymnastics x

I couldn't agree more ah I do to I feel like a weights been lifted after speaking to her hope your having a good weekend x

 

[JJ Mum]

I agree with the ladies replys , I really love star charts. It helps that they see a positive result of their good behaviour , so that even tho they can't remember , they can see the chart every day. We have ours on the fridge. I have struggled with my school over the years, but have now learnt that it's never to early to work with nursery//school and go in a visit them, talk to them and tel them what your doing at home, maybee have a small card and a sheet of stickers he can have at nursery, and if he's good he can get a star there too, that way your all working together , (like you are with his dad), and the nursery will be more open to your son and helping him as they know you are really trying to sort it out, and they can then poo poo / field any questions from other mums easily and back you up if any probs as your working together. Keep up the good woork, it will get better as things settle down, your doing a great job X