Hi leckershell,
I've held off writing this reply until I'd really thought through what I wanted to say - but first of all, let me give you huge
- it sounds like you need it. Well done for writing your feelings down. Your post was like a mirror of my life and how I feel too - I know that won't help, but it might make you feel like you are not alone.
Here's my experiences similar to yours:-
I feel HUGELY guilty that every night my OH gets home and the house isn't sparkly clean and there's not a lovely home cooked meal on the table. I have this thought that he comes home, sees the mess and that theres no progress from when he left in the morning and his shoulders slump - I'm sure they don't but I imagine they do. I used to wonder what people with babies did all day - I didn't recognise their constant need for love and attention, nappy changes, feeds, winding, washing their clothes yada yada... I've even considered getting up overnight to do the cleaning a la beanie as I don't want to miss any of DD's awake time 'cos I think I'd be much happier if spending 7 days at home, the house was clean and tidy as now, 'cos I'm here all the time. I haven't done that yet but evenings or overnight cleans has certainly crossed my mind.
My OH is like yours, he's not fussed by a bit of mess - he'd like the bed to be made and the dishes to be done and needs clean clothes (but these can be done by either of us in his view - he doesn't expect me to do them) - but I think I want to be some kind of perfect wifey (even though we're not married!).
A lot of my problem, I think, is that I'm trying to hard to prove that I'm coping. I had friends round last night and as well as trying to put DD to bed, feed her etc - I cooked a 3 course meal. There was no need for it, I think I just wanted to prove to them and myself that I was super-mum. Today, I'm shattered and it was silly - they'd have been happy with a plate of pasta and some juice. I want them to think that I'm doing brilliantly and can cope amazingly, but in order to have a 3 course meal nearly ready and DD ready for bed by 6.30pm, I just about killed myself doing preparation between 4.30pm (when I got home) and 6.30pm yesterday.
I get HUGE bursts of resentment at OH and probably undeservedly. Last week, he was sitting having some chilling time with DD on the sofa around teatime - he deserves to chill, he works hard. I was rushing around making the tea, thinking about doing DD's bath and bedtime routine, hanging up washing, making a phone call etc and he was watching Sky Sports with DD half sleeping on him. I had to go to the bedroom and have a rant and a cry as I actually wanted to kill him for being so relaxed and so unworried even though he KNEW what time it was and how much needs done between 5.30pm and 7pm. He was also letting DD sleep which is a fatal mistake if we want her to fall asleep at 7/7.30pm for the night. I also throw things across the room and want to stab him (not really, but you know what I mean) when he messes up DD's drawers. I put things in piles - long sleeved vests, short sleeved vests, short sleeved t-shirts, long sleeved t-shirts etc - and he goes in there and rummages about, everything gets messy and I just see red. Then he's too scared to look next time for clothes so I have to lay out all the clothes changes even if I'm not changing her - grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr but the alternative is messy drawers. It scares me how angry with him I can get.
I don't do night feeds anymore, but this used to really bug me too. I know OH had to get up in the morning to go to work, but I used to so wish he'd go and get me a cup of tea or just chat to me to keep me awake.
My s*x drive is non-existant. I've never had a high s*x drive but I feel so unattractive after giving birth, am worried about what graphic things OH saw during the birth and how it made him feel and I also feel so unsexy as I'm breastfeeding and constantly seem to have one t*t out or am leaking everywhere. I also don't feel very lubricated 'cos of feeding too. We've yet to do the deed and the longer we leave it, the bigger deal its becoming. I want to 'get it over with' (the first time we have s*x after DD born), which isn't exactly a come on to OH. I really wouldn't be fussed if we didn't have s*x for ages but mentally I know I've got to and I want the closeness with OH as its not helping our relationship.
I have days where it feels like groundhog day (most days). I do do things like go to groups and have friends round and get out but some days I feel like its so monotinous (sp?) and although I love DD so much, I just want some 'me time'. Its hard though - I can't leave DD for just an hour or so as we live so far away from shops and friends etc so if I leave her its for a whole day which is a big ask and therefore I don't get much 'me time'. I have found that one of my main problems is if we don't get out at least once a day - I find staring at these four walls so tough, then I just look at all the cleaning I should be doing and can't enjoy playing with DD as I feel so miserable.
I have got my knickers totally in a twist about going back to work like you. I really really don't want to go back to my current job - its an hours commute (not an easy commute either) away, its not a job I like, the people are not supportive of part time working and there's been changes I don't like the sound of since I left. I am not due back til April either but hoping to eek it out til July by which time I'll hopefully have found something else to go to - part time and nearer. I know I don't have to worry just now but I keep worrying about it and thinking about it and keep getting emails from friends at work and emails asking me if I'd like to come to meetings (Keeping in Touch days) and I don't feel as if I've any distance from it. My mind is just not on work and I don't feel career forcussed now or able to make any decisions.
I know what you mean about the enthusiasm. I do things with DD - meet friends, go to mums' groups, go shopping etc but I feel like I'm watching everything from a distance - I don't feel connected with situations. I laugh and smile and chat but I don't feel happy.
I have really low days and then other days when I can't believe I felt like that. I think I'm going to speak to my HV though as I am scared about the depth of my feelings and how low I feel sometimes.
leckershell - I hope my post has helped you know that you are not alone - I'm struggling too. I'm confident with DD and I'm confident that she is happy and healthy but I feel so confused and lost with whats going on with me just now as I've never experienced feelings like this before.
Love
Valentine xxx
