Is it right for different surnames?

[Tangerinedream]

My birth certificate has my bio dads surname but my parents divorced when i was 1 and my mum called me by her name from then on, she never legally changed it. ive used that name ever since even tho legally im not called that.

Ive just thought, if i get married will they read out my real name

 

[Dee1985]

i would go with his surname
my 2 both have their dads name - wether we marry or not he will always be their dad but i am a bit old fashioned

i wouldnt want them to be different as i think its a bit unfair and they might question it when they are older

 

[libs]

Yes when you get married you will have to use your legal name - but its easy for an adult to change it by deed poll.

Forget the discussion on names - that really isn't important anymore - it doesn't matter if you register her as Pinkington-Smythe really - what's important is that he threatened to hurt you. If this is a real threat or he's done it before then don't wind him up - register the baby in his name and then start making plans to leave and get an injunction against him. Once you've done that and reported him to the police for any past or further abuse then you can change the names in court with proof of his poor parenting.

 

[Nicola]

My sister and I have different surnames. Never made a difference to us.
Also given you are not married the father can not register her alone so you would have to go with him and do it and if you opted for your own surname the staff at the registry office would support that due to your single status. Obviously if you were married and sharing his surname there wouldn't be an issue with names. I also think a double barrelled surname is lovely, certinally different and baby then get's the best of both worlds.

 

[frangelle]

i would go with his surname
my 2 both have their dads name - wether we marry or not he will always be their dad but i am a bit old fashioned

i wouldnt want them to be different as i think its a bit unfair and they might question it when they are older

Yeah but she shouldn't do it just coz he threatened her. That's disgraceful behaviour on his behalf

 

[Dee1985]

ohgh right - didnt read that bit

but i just think both kids should have the same

 

[violet-glow]

I got my own way and the kids have my surename. We will be changing them when we get married though. You carryed the baby for 9 months and gave bireth to it... you choose hun! *girl power* and all that lol

 

[Jayceesmumma]

Thanks everyone for replying.. its a big 50-50 thing isnt it! I think im gonna go with a double barrel that way he cant complain coz hes in there and then shell be half like jaycee lol. Thornley-Miles isnt that bad is it? kinda rolls off your tongue
he always threatens me but has never hit me. pushed and held down-yes.
ive never let him near me or the kids when hes drunk so he hasnt had the chance, but i think he may have if i let him. ive been to the police before, they told him not to harrass me for 6 months or theyd arrest him for the night, so he behaved for 6 months
its complicated so i cant just cut him out totally. i want to be apart but civil for the kids like most seperated parents are buut he wont accept it. he thinks im just sayin it out of spite or to be silly in an arguement. ive saud so many times i just wanna be friends but he wont do it!! he will make my life hell!! i dont want that for my kids.
i dont know what to do...

 

[frangelle]

Firstly Thornley-Miles sounds quite posh

I'm really sorry to hear about your OH, does he maybe have a drinking problem? Only I know one of my partners used to get nasty on the drink, so I made him chose me or the drink. Is he only nasty when he's had a drink.

Even if he hasn't hit you, he still makes you feel unsafe which is terrible, and you shouldn't have to put up with that.

xxx

 

[Becks&Riley]

he sounds like a knob end tbh leave him u'll be happier

 

[missac]

I really don't know what to suggest, he sounds awful and you should not have to put up with it. I can see that there is more to it than meets the eye as you probably would have left already. The only thing that I can think of is maybe move in with your Mum for a while and give him a chance to realise that you are being serious. Either that or suggest he goes to his mums, if he refuses you can always take things a bit further but appreciate that you wouldn't want to do this because of the little angels.

Have a big think about it and see where you think you will be in a years time, where you want to be and what you would need to do to make it happen. You are the only one in control of yours and your childrens life so it is only you that can make the decision.

Big huggles

 

[libs]

OK - abused doesn't mean hit - pushing and holding down and threatening you are just as bad.

As lovely as it would be to have him out of your life but still in your kids lives - an abuser won't do that - he enjoys having the power over you - not just when he's doing something but also the fear and nervousness you'll have all the time that today might just be the day. This isn't a problem which he can't control and you can fix - when he was told not to do it for 6 months he behaved - so he chooses to behave like this - he chooses to hurt and scare you.

Personally I would consider whether your children are really going to be worse off without a father than they would be with him in their lives - not just how he may end up controlling them too when they are old enough to argue back, but also letting them see the effect on you, and learning how to react when someone treats them like this. If your children came to you in 18 years and said someone was treating them like this - what advice would you give them? Would you say - well you have to stay in contact with him and keep allowing him to threaten you becuase of the children?

 

[Jayceesmumma]

Thanks lbs you are totally right. All of you are!
Ive had words and we have split. He's listened and taken it in. he got into a fight and got arrested again on fri nite after an arguement with me and thats made him think a bit more. Ive told him we wont get back together for at least a year of total change. Hes packed and moved to his mums.
Getting her registered as THORNLEY-MILES today. Its only right miles is in there cos of Jaycees surname.
Thank you all so much for your help and input! Those of you going thru the same thing, either double barrel or have YOUR surname, it really hurts to have different surnames. It may not seem that way at first but afetr a while it sets in
Love and hugs to all!!

 

[libs]

well done strong lady - your children will be proud of you one day

 

[Jayceesmumma]

Thank you hun You ladies have supported me so much, i dont know how i could have managed anything without you all!