Is it a man thing? Am I too soft? please advise!!

[Julia]

Hi All!

I am currently 20 weeks pregnant with my second baby..

I have a two year old little girl who is my pride and joy...

Both me and my DH work full time (in the same place)...

Lately I am feeling that my Dh is getting on with everything he wants to do and I am left to bring up my little girl. Don't get me wrong, when I want a night out (which is hardly ever at the moment cos I am taking it easy) he will willingly encourage me to go and take over with my little girl. He is also good around the house and helps out quite a lot.

Is this a feeling that other women have or is it my hormones? He goes to the gym 4 nights a week, goes out for a pint maybe twice a week and on other nights is late home because of meetings in work. Speaking to other friends, they say that their DH's play golf, go biking, play rugby etc. It is apparently a "man" thing.

He spends time with our little girl (taking her for long walks and going to the park etc), he absolutely adores her and has her when I ask but this is after all his activities are over for the evening!!

Even his friend said to me the other day "your other half has got it made! My wife just naggs me non stop"..... Am I too soft?

Advice needed please!!!

Julia xxxxx

 

[Suzie and Faith]

My OH and I are probably too 'clingy' - we don't go out without one another really - unless it's me going out whilst he's at work. I guess we're probably quite rare in that way - my OH isn't into pubs really, his friends are my friends, his best male mate is in the marines, he doesn't play or watch sport...

can you compromise with your OH - he sounds like a good guy, maybe just ask if he could cut it down a bit or do somethings on alternate weeks - maybe suggest it as 'family' time...

sorry i'm not much use, hope you get it sorted though xxx

 

[Redshoes]

I don't think you're too soft at all, your a Mummy and a loving partner, and put everyone else before yourself from what you say, which is not a bad thing to do but I do think we are sometimes our own worst enemy when it comes to what Mummy and Daddy do after children are born If he's happy for you to go out and do what you want when you want, then do it, if you don't want to, try not to feel he's being bad for doing so instead, does that make sense?

I do understand it seems like when you become a Mummy your life then revolves around your babies but Daddy's can almost lead seperate life's, I think you should talk to him and just see how much he does appreciate his life, and what you do with yours, so you can feel better about the whole man/woman thing. BIG hugs too, your daughter certainly appreciates everything you do and it will come back 10 fold as you see her grow into a wonderful person because of your time spent with her

 

[Julia]

Thanks BabyBee and Redshoes,

I feel much better from reading your replies - you have both written some really reassuring, sensitive and lovely comments...
I will go to bed feeling more positive about the whole situation. I think you are right, Redshoes, we are our own worst enemy after we have had children!

Don't get me wrong - I am loving my life at the moment but just feel taken for granted. Our sex life has not been good since our little girl has been born (2 years ago!) and it has completely stopped now that I am pregnant again....DH keeps his distance and I do not really feel like it anyway! So this is another avenue to think about and get frustrated over!

I think I am missing having a drink and a social life with DH - we used to go out alot together with couple friends to relax and have a great laugh.

I just need to keep thinking that I am half way through this pregnancy so some kind of normality will be back in the not too distant future. In the mean time, I am going to talk to (and not nag) my DH about what is on my mind and see what his reaction is.....watch this space!!

Once again, thanks for your supportive comments - they made me feel much better about myself and the "galavanting husband" situation.

Love and nappies,

Julia xxxxxx

 

[lfc_sarah]

I dont think your too soft either

Every couple needs time apart and time with mates...

He'll probaly appreciate you a lot more for the fact you dont nag all the time

Plus he "lets" you out too and im sure if you wanted to go out more you could..so its not all one sided...

 

[fothers]

Although you don't fancy a big night out maybe you should book yourself a facial or massage or something and have a pamper session?

 

[LisaJ1986]

My OH doesn't do much with regards to socialising, but it can be every other weekend he goes out and stays out. This winds me up coz i'm left at home minding the baby. I love looking after her but i can't go anywhere without her, and i find it's unfair of him to abandon me like this. I do all the housework, and the cooking, looking after the animals. He's always 'too busy' to change her. I do nag, and it has no effect. I hate men sometimes! Lol

 

[clarey]

Your OH sounds a lot like mine, he also does plenty around the house and adores our LO but sometimes needs to be asked to do a bit more, its like it doesnt occur to him until i say something (usually once I have got really stressed and flipped out!) I try really hard not to nag as I think there is nothing worse than a hen-pecked bloke wingeing to his mates about the missus! All couples are different, I'm sure people think I'm too soft on my OH at times but we are generally quite happy and just work things out differently.
Hope you get a bit of time to yourself

 

[leckershell]

God I could have written that post..! He doesn't stop you going out, but say you did choose to, it would have to be on one of the 2 nights out of 7 he's not already doing something, and then you think how about "us time" and end up not bothering going out... but because they say you can go out anytime they dont think they're doing anything wrong...

That's me anyhow.

If you find an answer let me know! Believe me you're not alone

 

[valentine]

Believe me you're not alone

Ditto.

My OH is on 7 weeks school holidays at the moment. Family time? Comes way down the list after band studio sessions, popping into work, emails, facebook etc etc. He's spent the grand total of no awake time at home since he went on holiday last Friday. He loves our daughter to bits but will spend time with her and he's great with her, but we seem to come way down his list of priorities for his time.

I know he's on holiday and I'm trying to be understanding that he's got his own things to do too, but it drives me round the bend. What about DD? What about me? What about my time to myself baby free? I just have to slot in when he's not busy. I don't really want/need time to do anything (and have no money anyway), but its just the way he makes me feel like an unpaid and unappreciated babysitter. Then he comes home and he's too tired to do any of his jobs he was going to do in the holidays so they aren't getting done either.I feel like a horrible old fishwife nagging him to spend time with his family and do his chores but it makes me so angry.

Today I asked him to look after DD for an hour so I could get some housework done (sorting out her clothes and doing some laundry) and he acted like he was doing me a favour. Its a real treat for me to get some free time without my shadow. He lasted 10 mins then went to mow the grass and I got DD at my feet again. Why oh why when we are both at home, is she only MY responsibility? I would have rather the grass stayed long (or he got out of his pit earlier in the morning and did it then) and I could have some time to whizz round and do my jobs.

I've tried to talk to him but he just doesn't get it.

Gah, I can't write this post I'm so angry! Sorry for wittering on, you really struck a nerve with me. I feel so unappreciated and like some kind of desperate housewife. Even if he said thank you or bought me a cheap bunch of flowers I would feel happier, he's then got the cheek to moan about what I cook. I'm fuming!

Valentine Xxx

 

[kalia]

The way I see it, a child is a joint responsibility. If I wanted to go out I would check with OH first and if he wanted to go out he would check with me. It sounds like you have taken the role of main care taker. If you are happy with the situation iy is absolutely fine. If you are unhappy then it's not OK and you need to make sure your OH lets you have free time. Even if you don't want to go out you might want the time for a bath or to read a book.

Maybe I'm just spoiled by my OH though. He does all the nappies as I provide all the milk

 

[valentine]

The way I see it, a child is a joint responsibility. If I wanted to go out I would check with OH first and if he wanted to go out he would check with me. It sounds like you have taken the role of main care taker. If you are happy with the situation iy is absolutely fine. If you are unhappy then it's not OK and you need to make sure your OH lets you have free time. Even if you don't want to go out you might want the time for a bath or to read a book.

Maybe I'm just spoiled by my OH though. He does all the nappies as I provide all the milk

Sounds great. I guess I wish every relationship was like that or every OH was as thoughtful and forward thinking as yours. I am trying but just end up sounding like a nag.

I totally agree with you. I have breastfed our daughter exclusively (every night feed, expressing when I want to go anywhere, sore boobs, unsexy bras etc etc), made every single one of her meals from scratch and do all kinds of other things which I think deserve a bit of praise or thanks, but nothing. Feeling very sorry for myself and underappreciated tonight.

I think things might even out a bit when I go back to work - then he'll have to take on more jobs and more care of our daughter. Maybe not though as I'll be part time.

Sorry Julia I didn't mean to hijack your post, I just wanted you to know, you are definitely not alone in feeling like this.

Valentine Xxx

 

[Julia]

Don't apologise, Valentine,

It has made me feel alot better hearing about other people's scenarios!

I must admit since writing this post, my DH seems to have become a little more thoughtful. I did not nagg or moan at him, i just went very "quiet" for a couple of days and everytime he said "do you mind if I..." I replied with "do what you want" or "do what you think is best". Reverse psycology seems to have worked at little bit!

I have just come back from a local garden centre and he has totally tidied the whole house - it is immaculate!! I also had flowers this week (which he does do quite regularly, I have to be honest).

I think I just get frustrated that I am restricted in what I can do. Also frustrated with DH because he can just carry on regardless. We go through peaks and troughs. You watch, I will be angry with him again next week for something else!!


Julia xxxxxxx