Intimacy advice...

[Savi]

So, as my post count would suggest, I'm a new member here. Normally I wouldn't share things from my relationship with anyone but unfortunately I just don't know what to do anymore.

For those who believe in TL;DR and avoid walls of text, my question is simple:

How do I get some level of intimacy back into my relationship with my wife?

For those who have the time and could offer some advice it goes like this:

The background
Our little girl has just recently turned one year old and she is nothing but a bundle of joy and a blessing. Conception wasn't the easiest of times but finally having our baby makes everything we went through more than worth it. I love my wife and daughter dearly and there is nothing that I wouldn't do to see them both happy.

My wife is a barrister and as such works for herself allowing her to spend more time with our daughter than a normal working mom would be able to. We also have a domestic who helps when my wife is seeing clients or needs to be in court.

I work full time for a company that has been very accomodating to my needs as a first time and new father.

Both our families get along brilliantly and love their grand daughter.

The problem
Since the birth of our daughter there has been a gradual decline in the level of intimacy between my wife and I. This doesn't specifically relate to sex, though it does play a large part, but more in general terms. We have basically reached a point now where we are extremely polite to each other all the time but that spark or connection we had previously is just gone. We don't even fight...I know it may sound strange to complain about not fighting, but at least if you are fighting there is the ackowledgement that there is something to fight for.

In essence it feels like we are simply living around each other, trying not to upset the applecart and just going through the motions one day at a time.

To compound the problem we unfortunately have basically no time to ourselves/together. My father in law is a pastor with his own assembly and as such they are busy almost every night of the week and every weekend. As for my own parents, they stay about 4 hours drive away from us and as such just getting to them creates its own problems.

What I've done so far
I understand that having a baby is not easy and I've been as supportive as I am able during the whole process. I unfortunately just don't know what more I can do to make things more bearable for my wife.

- I declined my annual increase in lieu of changing my work hours;
- I now only leave for work after my wife has had time to get ready and I have given our daughter breakfast;
- I leave work early so that I can be there in the evening when she has her supper, traffic permitting;
- We alternate evenings so that one parent baths with and the other dresses our daughter;
- I get up every time our daughter cries at night, be it during supper or when we are sleeping;
- I've taken sole responsibility for looking after our pets;
- I've taken up doing most things that our domestic can't finish;
- I use my annual leave to look after our daughter when nobody else is available and my wife needs to be in court.

All in all I'm doing everything that I can think of to make things easier for my wife and still it seems that we are growing apart.

Some examples
On a few occasions wife asks me the same questions, such as how my day was, 3 or 4 times in the same night. I've mentioned it to her and she laughs it off. I see it as a case of us either not having something more meaningful to talk about or she just didn't ackowledge that I answered her before.

We barely do the most basic things with each other anymore such as holding hands or just kissing each other goodbye in the morning.

She indicated/initiated sex this week and when we finally got our daughter settled nothing happened. We ended up discussing this matter and it boiled down to this level of intimacy feeling like an obligation to her. I've picked up on this from her previously and as such I stopped initiating anything.

Final thought
I still feel the same about, and look at, my wife in the same way I do when we first started dating 13 years ago. I still lust after her. I take actual pleasure in seeing her happy and giving her pleasure.

As I have tried to explain above though I am just not seeing this from her side anymore and despite everything that I have tried we just seem to be growing further and further apart.

I want to fix this somehow, I just don't know how to anymore.

And that brings me back to my initial question:

How do I get some level of intimacy back into my relationship with my wife?

 

[Xcitedmum]

Hi Savi, welcome to the forum!

I have a few things running through my mind in relation to everything you have said, the first is that it appears you are a great husband & daddy. You come across as very thoughtful, both your wife and your little girl are very lucky (always remember this!) Your current problem is only situational and not as a result of a failure on behalf of you or your wife.

The one thing that screams at me when reading your post is that whilst you & your wife seem to have nailed your new identity as parents, you have not yet learned how to balance this alongside your old identity as 'husband & wife'.

A new child changes the dimension of all relationships naturally however it is still important to make some time to be your old selves. I realise you have already said that it is hard to find time to do so due to a lack of other people to help with childcare in your absence.

Is it possible for you to get in touch with a local creche to find out if any of the girls 'babysit' in the evenings? This would allow you to pick a night each week and make it 'date night'. It appears that your marriage has a natural essence of teamwork, some time to yourselves is really all I think you need to get the old spark back.

I genuinely think it would also be beneficial for you and your wife to have some time to enjoy separately - go play golf with friends (if thats a hobby obviously!). Tell your wife to go for a drink with the girls or have a day shopping or pampering herself. Time apart means you have more to talk about when it is couple time. (I know that sometimes it can be hard to find the energy for days out etc but it will be well worth it!).

Small but thoughtful gestures is also another good way to make the other partner feel like they are appreciated and not taken for granted.

I apologise that my response isn't as logically laid out and coherent as your original thread but I think you will understand what I am trying to say.

Normally I would end with a good luck wish but I don't think you need it! The natural flow of teamwork between you and some time to reconnect is all you need!

 

[Xcitedmum]

If you are unable to source a babysitter then aim for a late dinner at home once LO is asleep. Light the fire, stick on a DVD and order take out. May not seem like much but as long as you are both talking it doesn't matter whether you are out for the night or at home!

 

[Savi]

Thank you for the quick response X. On the items you have mentioned, I've unfortunately also tried most of these and amazingly it never seems to work out.

A prime example is tomorrow night now, I called my in-laws on Monday to make arrangements so that our daughter can stay with them and we could just get out a bit. Everything was arranged until 5 minutes ago when they called us to say that they had forgotten about a breakfast they have to attend out of town on Saturday morning...so there's another night spoiled. Must be about the umpteenth time this has happened now...


As for myself its not the alone time I need or mis, I'd just settle for some of what we had before.

On the topic of small gestures, I've tried these as well. I've booked a full day spa treatment for my wife which she called and cancelled. I then got her vouchers so that she could arrange it for herself which she hasn't done yet. Some of her female colleagues have a dinner once a month at each others houses which she has yet to attend. I've suggested repeatedly for her to go shopping or pamper herself in some way but she refuses.

I guess this leads me to the heart of what I expect could be the problem and forgot to mention before. My wife feels guilty about everything. She feels guilty that she isn't a stay-at-home mom like hers was. She feels guilty that she isn't putting more time into her work. She feels guilty that she neglects me. She feels guilty that I do too much and she is still always tired. She feels guilty about leaving me with the baby and taking some time for herself. Anything she thinks about for a moment she will find reason to be guilty about.

At a stage we suspected she could be suffering from PPD and saw our GP and a psycologist but this didn't turn out to be the case.

If I could I'd blame myself for her guilt, but I know I'm not to blame, I'm being as supportive as is possible. How can I help her work through it though? I've told her and showed her she has nothing to feel guilty about, she refuses to listen though.

 

[Xcitedmum]

Its a nightmare when the babysitter lets you down at the last minute but unfortunately its something we all have to deal with

Could you plan a cosy night in for you both? One where your wife can wear her pyjammas! Something that involves very little effort - let her see that you are keen to spend time with her even if it is just lazing around?

It appears you have tried everything you can but I believe your persistence will pay off.

In terms of the guilt, it sounds like your wife is being stretched in all directions. She's obviously being torn between 2 passions, her work & your daughter. She has obviously worked very hard to get to where she is now. I was going to say it sounds like she needs to take some time to think about her situation, decide what she really wants and make a decision but I realise its probably not as simple as that given the very nature of her job.

Do you think she wants to quit her job to become a full time mum? Would her make her feel any better if she did?

I too was going to suggest PND due to all the guilt but I suppose you can only assume that the professionals are correct when they say she doesn't have it.... Has she tried any herbal anti depressants (St John's Wort - available from Boots)?

I really don't know what else you can do, its like your wifes' mind is so busy that she is being unintentionally distant. The guilt she is feeling is not something you can fix, only she can do that by the decisions that she makes going forward.

Another suggestion may be that she should attempt to talk to someone about how she is feeling? She may not be reachable until she has everything talked through and worked out in her own head?

Is she aware of how you are feeling?

 

[VikkiR]

Xcitedmum has made some excellent suggestions, what came to my mind was that do you and your wife laugh together anymore? It sounds the most simple thing in the world, but I was once told a family that plays together stays together. Just a thought, sorry for the short response, mornings seem to be busy these days.

 

[coco_cukoo]

Just a quick one from me as I need to take LO to bed now - your wife seems like she may be a bit depressed. My brother is and the cancelling of appointments/meetings with friends is a big tell tale sign, well it was for him anyway. The lack of conversation is another... Just a thought! Xx

 

[Froslass]

Just a quick one from me as I need to take LO to bed now - your wife seems like she may be a bit depressed. My brother is and the cancelling of appointments/meetings with friends is a big tell tale sign, well it was for him anyway. The lack of conversation is another... Just a thought! Xx

I was going to suggest this too.

It appears she's not only avoiding time with you, but other social situation too?

Are there any other signs that may lead to PND?

Although, like xcitedmum said, it is difficult learning how to balance everything at first!

 

[Savi]

Xcitedmum has made some excellent suggestions, what came to my mind was that do you and your wife laugh together anymore? It sounds the most simple thing in the world, but I was once told a family that plays together stays together. Just a thought, sorry for the short response, mornings seem to be busy these days.

No, we don't laugh together anymore. I personally don't find many things to laugh about because of this situation and my wife tends to laugh at thigns on facebook or the internet, but not at my attempts at humour anymore.

Just a quick one from me as I need to take LO to bed now - your wife seems like she may be a bit depressed. My brother is and the cancelling of appointments/meetings with friends is a big tell tale sign, well it was for him anyway. The lack of conversation is another... Just a thought! Xx

Just a quick one from me as I need to take LO to bed now - your wife seems like she may be a bit depressed. My brother is and the cancelling of appointments/meetings with friends is a big tell tale sign, well it was for him anyway. The lack of conversation is another... Just a thought! Xx

I was going to suggest this too.

It appears she's not only avoiding time with you, but other social situation too?

Are there any other signs that may lead to PND?

Although, like xcitedmum said, it is difficult learning how to balance everything at first!

I also suspected this at a stage and it resulted in a huge fight. My wife did agree to go and see our GP though who refered us to a specialist in the area of PND/PPD. As I indicated previously though we went to see the psycologist and in the end she deteremined that my wife wasn't suffering from this condition or depression in general.


As it stands though it has been 2 weeks since I last posted and I've tried to take the advice that was given to heart. The only positive thing in this time is that we managed to sleep train our daughter over the course of 2 nights. We can now finally put her down, she will moan for about 5 minutes and then sleep for 10 - 11 hours without waking.

I also managed to arrange two nights for us where we finally had some time to ourselves. The first night we went to visit her brother and his wife and had quite a pleasant night while we were there, but this seems to have been more for appearances as we barely spoke to each other when we left. The second night I tried to plan something for the 2 of us but my wife wasn't interested in going out so I simply got us some movies to watch at home and cooked dinner...my wife fell asleep half way through the first movie and I took her to bed.

As per my first post the situation where my wife indiciate/initiated sex repeated itself again last night. I stopped her for a moment and remarked that she wasn't really interested in this and her response was that she wasn't but we had to do something as she couldn't remember anymore when last we had. As I also said in my original post, I've been getting the feeling that intimacy is an obligation for her and I unfortunately just don't work like this. The night ended with me just rubbing her back till she fell asleep/made as if she was sleeping.

This got me to thinking if it was simply a case of her not being attracted/interested in me in that way for the moment or if it was a case if she just interested in me at all in general. Sure, I may have over-thought it a bit and come to the wrong conclusion but in the end I have decided it was the latter.

I'm most likely basing it on small inconsequential things but unfortunately they do add up. Prime example is that I invited some of our mutual friends over to come visit this weekend last week. My wife has completely forgotten about this and made other arrangements. Why this gets to me is that we decided to invite our friends over together while we were driving and she spoke to them and then sent them a message afterwards using my phone. When she mentioned the plans for the weekend I reminded her of this and she finally remembered when I showed her the messages on my phone. Regardless of which she told me to change the arrangements.

The crux of it is that I simply don't know what to do from here. I thought things were the way they are because she felt guilty, I'm not sure anymore. I've tried to get us some time together both alone and with friends, this just didn't work out. I've tried to give her time alone to get her mind off things, she doesn't want to.

Could it really be that she has simply lost interest in me? How do I discuss this with her?

I hate to make things about myself and always try and focus on those around me first, in this instance my wife and daughter, I seriously just don't know how I go about fixing this.

 

[HayleyT]

It sounds like you need to speak to your wife as openly as you can. It might be that she doesn't realise the importance of all the things you are trying, or is trying not to think about how things have got between you. It might be a good idea to plan a time to speak to her without distractions and to open up to her about how you are feeling. It might be worth giving some thought about what you really want her to know before you begin so you get your point across. If you do this in a calm and loving way then being honest about how difficult you are finding the lack of intimacy isn't unreasonable and if this is upsetting to her its due to the situation not your intentions.

Agreeing to do more together or any of the things you have been trying is difficult to prioritise if both of you havn'e agreed to it and know the reasons for it. If you both know why its important then maybe it will be easier to agree a regular time, and prioritise it.

 

[stargirl]

Just a quick one as I didn't want to read and run - but I think one of the issues might be comuninication? Have you told your wife how you feel and what you think? If you're worried about talking to her openly or face to face maybe you could write it all down. You say your wife is on facebook? Why not send her a message on there?

You say your wife feels a lot of guilt? Then maybe if you start a conversation via messages on facebook she might feel like she can speak openily and honestly with you because it's not face to face....?

Just an idea? Good luck.