Insensitive comments about miscarriages

[lisey]

Hi all,

I am just needing to have a little vent really. I have had 3 miscarriages, most of my family know about only 2 of them.
My sister was speaking to me yesterday about some people who had lost babies but later on in pregnancy or at birth. She said to me "Oh it would be horrible to lose one baby, but imagine losing two babies, it would be just awful" Now I know that my miscarriages were early and it would be far more difficult to lose a baby later on but its like my miscarriages don't count and people can just say what they want to me and not expect me to feel upset. This isn't the first time I have had stupid things said to me. And why even speak to me about miscarriages, knowing I have been through it. It doesn't take a genius to work out that the subject could be hard for me to think about and discuss.
Yes, they were all early MC's but they were still my babies, I don't care how tiny they were, they were a part of me that I lost and loved from the second I knew they were there.
I am just needing to have a moan as I am sick of peoples insensitive comments, am I being silly to feel upset by this? I felt totally miserable for the rest of the eve after that conversation and just wish people would think first, especially my sister x

 

[Beckyb1991]

I think your being over sensitive huni. I don't think your sister meant it like that x

 

[mylullaby]

Really sorry to hear about your losses lisey. Have you talked to your sister about how you feel? Some people just don't know what to say or do with something as sensitive as a miscarriage - do you think it could've been her weird way of bringing up the subject to give you chance to talk about your own feelings? Maybe sitting down and talking to her on a 1-2-1 could help her to understand where you're coming from?

 

[vicfahey13]

Hi all,

I am just needing to have a little vent really. I have had 3 miscarriages, most of my family know about only 2 of them.
My sister was speaking to me yesterday about some people who had lost babies but later on in pregnancy or at birth. She said to me "Oh it would be horrible to lose one baby, but imagine losing two babies, it would be just awful" Now I know that my miscarriages were early and it would be far more difficult to lose a baby later on but its like my miscarriages don't count and people can just say what they want to me and not expect me to feel upset. This isn't the first time I have had stupid things said to me. And why even speak to me about miscarriages, knowing I have been through it. It doesn't take a genius to work out that the subject could be hard for me to think about and discuss.
Yes, they were all early MC's but they were still my babies, I don't care how tiny they were, they were a part of me that I lost and loved from the second I knew they were there.
I am just needing to have a moan as I am sick of peoples insensitive comments, am I being silly to feel upset by this? I felt totally miserable for the rest of the eve after that conversation and just wish people would think first, especially my sister x

Hey hun

I can totally sympathise with you, some of my family we're exactly the same when I lost my 2 bubs. Just remember they will ALWAYS be your babies and they will always count and be in your memory - I think some people just don't know how to deal with MC or what to say sadly

Big hugs xx

 

[vic30]

Just wanted to say I DON'T think you're being over-sensitive. A loss is a loss in my opinion. I do think it must (I can only imagine) be so hard to lose a baby late in pregnancy, but you DO NOT say this to someone you know has had an early miscarriage. If you say it then realise, then apologise fair enough, but to not have any tact whatsoever must be upsetting for you. Take care Hun x

 

[nicejuicypear]

You're not being insensitive at all. To think of saying to someone who's had multiple miscarriages 'imagine losing two babies?' is ridiculous because they don't have to imagine, they've experienced it. I know there's a difference between losing a full term baby or similar to a tri 1 loss, but it's still a baby you knew about, it still counts.

People are thoughtless.

 

[megsmeadow]

I don't think you're being over sensitive either. A loss is a loss, but I can put my hand on heart and say I had never imagined the emotional pain that is with you, forever with any loss. Now I know that pain I can't imagine the strength of ladies like yourself who've experienced more than one loss. xx

 

[jodie34]

Hey hun u are not being over sensitive at all ... i think people dont understnad the pain a misscarriage causes i had 2 misscarriages before i was blessed with my 2 children i still remeber every little detail of what happened i still think of my 2 lil angels all the time i always will ...and its been 16 years since i lost them xx

 

[ClimbingRose]

No, that would annoy and upset me too! Not too many people knew about my miscarriage, but the response to it was varied. Mostly they were sensitive at the time, but quickly forgot, which I didnt! Some just acted as if nothing had happened, it was no big deal... only one person was really supportive, and thats because she'd suffered a miscarriage and given birth to a boy who died days later.
I didnt get cross with the people who didnt respond the way I wished they had, because they just hadnt been through it, and couldnt relate...
Your sister seems to have forgotten your losses, but if you had reminded her, Im sure she would've felt pretty horrible for being so insensitive. Rather than let it grumble away, maybe just send her a message saying that your conversation upset you, because you felt like she'd forgotten what you went through, and maybe just explain that early miscarriage is still heart breaking, its still a loss. I felt like I didnt deserve to be sad because I'd only known for a week. The thing is, in that week I'd already started to imagine my life, having a child, the possibility. Thats what was robbed of me!
Sorry for the essay, but my advice is, tactfully and gently explain to her how you feel.

 

[Hopeful75]

You're definitely not being over sensitive. I remember when I was going through my third, my sister said something about us needing to decide when to draw a line under the whole thing and stop trying. Easy for someone who had 2 uncomplicated conceptions and pregnancies to say! I chose to see it as her being concerned for the pain I was going though but expressing herself in a completely insensitive way, rather than as a nasty comment. I just think that some people really underestimate the grief caused by early miscarriage (well any miscarriage really). It's almost as if they think it doesn't count because there wasn't a baby to be seen or a body to be buried.

 

[laurat]

As the others have said you are definetly not being oversensitive in the slightest! I think that with early mc people just dont realise that it is your baby from day dot and loosing a wee one is unezplainable grief as its often not seen as right to talk about it still today. Folk dont know what to say but saying what your sister did is insensitive when she knows what you have gone through. I will never forget my 2 angel babies and they will be in my heart forever!

 

[lisey]

Thanks so much to all of you for your support and kind words. I am glad I am not overreacting, its hard to know when there is grief involved. It still keeps playing on my mind as its brought the losses back to the forefront of my mind and I feel really sad these past few days. I know there was no malice in what she said and she wouldn't want to hurt my feelings intentionally but I wish that as she is my sister, she would sympathise and have some tact when choosing what to speak about. She has never had miscarriages but I don't think you have to go through it, to show compassion, especially to a close family member. I know she may not know what to say but I would rather her not speak about the subject of miscarriages at all if she is not sure how to approach it, she has never even asked how I am in regards to the MCs, all she asks is when are we going to have a baby!! (the last question you want when you have had MC's) I don't know if its worth discussing it with her, she is a lot older than me and quite intimidating, I don't think she will take too well to be being told something she had said was not appropriate and hurt my feelings etc. I will be fine after a little while, just need to let the sadness out I think.
Thanks again, you're all so lovely xx

 

[Lou1103]

Bless you hun. It would bother me if that happened too, and i agree - you love them from the moment you see the line.

Hope you're ok hun. Maybe it's in the forefront of your mind because results seem closer now it's 2014? Xxx

 

[lisey]

Bless you hun. It would bother me if that happened too, and i agree - you love them from the moment you see the line.

Hope you're ok hun. Maybe it's in the forefront of your mind because results seem closer now it's 2014? Xxx

Yeah it could be for that reason and plus Christmas was hard as its for children and you think of the ones you haven't got
Have you had your results yet? xx

 

[Lou1103]

Nope, was due to have them next thurs but had to rearrange and now it's 13th feb. Your results are feb as well aren't they?

Yeah i found christmas tough. Just thought i'd have a baby by then xxx

 

[lisey]

Oh how annoying. Yes ours are middle of Feb too. Got my repeat bloods this week, not looking forward to that, was 12 or so vials last time xx

 

[Lou1103]

get a good breakfast. Good luck xxx

 

[lisey]

Thanks, I will be sure to use it as an excuse for a massive chocolate bar x

 

[nds]

not over sensitive at all!
i'd be so hurt by the comment. i don't think she would of realised until later on or until
you mention it.
i'm sorry, what an awful question to ask anyone after a loss.
(how do you answer that anyway, especially if ttc? 'err yeah about 15th sept' pfft pretty silly Q)

i'm sorry to hear about your loss.
i'm sending you lots of love and baby dust
xx

 

[Rose83]

I don't really have any wise words other than to say that my mother was just as insensitive when I had to call her and explain what had happened. With me and my brother she had totally uncomplicated pregnancies and never experienced a miscarriage so it just seems like she cannot imagine the pain. It's just like one of the other ladies said, they seem to think that because it is so tiny they don't think you should feel like you've lost a baby. I saw my mum 8 days after my second one and she didnt understand why I was still grieving. That's why the forums are so good because we all know what it feels like. I suppose before it happened to me maybe I wouldn't have been as aware as I now am. Hope you are doing ok x