Insecurities and Sex (TMI thread)

[JemRose]

I'm literally just going to type this so I can try to get it all out of my system and rationalise my thoughts a little bit before speaking to OH tonight.

So, I am a first time mum. I feel like nobody ever mentions the lack of sex during pregnancy and just how it can make you feel.

Before I start, just know that I'm a very very insecure person.

Anyway, so before I was pregnant we had a very healthy sex life and he couldn't keep his hands off me. It kind of continued into the first trimester, but I was so nauseous and tired etc that I really wasn't feeling it. Since then it's gone completely downhill to almost non-existent. He isn't trying it on anymore and when I try to initiate something it gets rejected or he kind of avoids the subject.

We last had sex about 3 weeks ago and have had no kind of sexual contact other than that. Last night he initiated sex with me for the first time in what feels like forever, we tried but it was difficult with me being so big now and he was trying to do old positions that kind of aren't possible now with me being bigger and also having SPD. I tried to guide him to positions that would be helpful for me but in the end he just gave up and said he can't continue. Conscious that we hadn't had sex for 3 weeks, I wanted to at least finish it for him by hand.. But he didn't even want that.

I am a big NO on porn and he knows this, I just find it sickening and it honestly makes me feel like he's cheated. I caught him once and I was so upset he promised me that he would never again watch it if he knew it affected me so much. I believe him. But at the same time, he's a man and I can't quite believe that he has waited 3 weeks without relieving himself or even me doing it for him.

Then I had a dream last night about him watching porn and me catching him and I just feel so emotional and upset today. My mind is going crazy thinking "is he getting it from elsewhere? is he watching porn? does he not find me attractive anymore?" Believe me, I have massive trust issues stemming from a very young age, but I do trust him, maybe not fully, but in my own way I know that I trust him more than I've trusted anyone.

I'm just feeling so insecure and depressed. I don't even feel like having sex tbh, but I do at the same time because I'm concerned about him and his needs and I don't want him straying or watching porn.

Sorry for my long rambling post and I don't even know how anyone can reply to it. I just needed to write it for my own sake. Thank you for reading if you have taken the time to

 

[WinterWolf]

Aww hun you need to relax a little! Men don't need to watch porn to relieve themselves.. they can use their imaginations lol. I wouldn't assume he's cheating or watching loads of porn just because you're not having sex as much. Many men are scared they'll hurt the baby if you have sex later in pregnancy. Also, if he likes certain positions and now they're not working for him, that's probably taken some of the pleasure out of it for him. Definitely talk to him about it, he probably wants to talk about it too.

 

[Shepherdess]

Jem you need to have a proper conversation with your oh. Out of the bedroom and staying calm, no tears or accusations just a grown up conversation about how you're feeling

It sounds like he doesn't want to hurt you and a lot of men worry about hurting the baby. Spend some time finding positions that feel comfortable. I'm quite happy on top but after a while we might switch to doggy and I'll put a cushion or two under my bump for support. Last pregnancy I think I spooned all the way through tri 3

I personally don't mind porn as long as it's not effecting our sex life but if your oh knows you feel so strongly then he won't be using it. I'm sure he's perfectly capable of going 3 weeks with out but even if he is having some diy time it doesn't mean he's using porn

Having a talk is key and remember once baby is born you probably won't feel like sex for at least 6 weeks so it's better to get your feelings out now in preperation

 

[Shepherdess]

Also want to add it may help to find other intimate things. My husband gave me a foot rub for 20 mins one night this week and honestly for me it was way better then sex and there was a closeness there without sex

 

[JemRose]

Thank you! I know it's just my stupid brain having a crazy moment haha.

Tbh we have been a lot closer in other ways and we are very happy in each others company. Also had no arguments for a little while! I think we now appreciate each other more for who we are, and maybe before there was kind of too much sex involved that we didn't take that extra time or effort to be intimate in other ways.

OH is happy with a little head rub or back tickle and honestly I think that pleases him more than sex ever has haha, he loves the attention. I'm happy to just sit back and get on with things, but I'm worrying for him and maybe he is completely fine with how things are!

I want to definitely sit down and talk to him about my feelings and I'm sure he'll just say it's all fine and he's content with how things are at the minute. But my brain does like to go off on one on occasion and he knows that haha.

Thank you for your replies and patience reading my anxious brain babble x

 

[PeanutButter]

Agree with shep. Need to talk properly about it.
I personally have nothing against porn, hubby can do whatever he wants if im not up to it lol. Since the start of tri 3 my sex drive has basically been none existant. But deffo talk to him about how your feeling. I highly doubt hes doing anything behind your back though x

 

[JemRose]

Okay so his answer quite blankly was "I want to grab you and fuck you but I can't cos I'll hurt you" hahahaha he has a way with words!

He said he's perfectly happy and fine at the minute and he's tired from working and doing more around the house that he doesn't even think about having sex. He's still attracted to me but he's fine going without. He said if he felt he really needed to he would come to me and wouldn't go behind my back. He said he feels much more connected to me now that we don't have sex than when we were just having sex all the time and all he wants is a head rub haha x

 

[GBLiz]

i just wanted to say that you are not alone in seeing porn as cheating- and many women feel the same- after all he is imagining having sex and getting actual real orgasms from other women/ prostitutes online, i dont see how its NOT cheating....but hey ho.....as for the lack of love/degrading nature / the taking and consuming women ..well that makes a porn viewer take on a very sinister predatory feel to me....not the type of man i would want around my daughters.....but i have been very affected by porn which is why my views are extreme. my husband was a porn addict and severely impacted my mental health with his hiding it and deception and psychological abuse that went along with him trying to control my sense of reality...there is a selfishness and lack of genuine intimacy that comes hand in hand with porn addiction. i am in contact with literally hundreds of women suffering from betrayal trauma, depression, and heartbreak from their partners porn use so you are certainly not the only person left on the planet who is not ok with porn. just wanted to make sure you knew that!! each to their own but its reasonable to say porn is a deal breaker in a relationship if you feel strongly about it.

 

[JemRose]

Thank you GBLiz, I really appreciate your post. Makes me feel much happier to know it's not just me who feels that way. I admire people who are okay with it, but I just can't be myself. It feels like the ultimate betrayal. I trust my partner when he says he won't ever watch it again as I feel so strongly about it x

 

[GBLiz]

no it certainly isnt just you. I dont even wish i was ok with porn, its the ultimate disrespect to me if my husband wants to have me and then but go watch other women naked, and i dont wish i was ok with being disrespected!!! i have married with the vow to forsake all others and that is what i expect......

the thing that concerns me is that even though you've agreed that porn isnt acceptable in your relationship, and you trust he wont go there again, you still feel responsible for 'servicing him' basically so he keeps his promise. While i can understand that, as i used to be the same, if you dont feel like sex because you are pregnant with his child, he should wait for you to be ready, (which hopefully he is) not go off to the sex industry to get his needs met! Its not your responsibility to ensure he is faithful to you...its his....

 

[JemRose]

No its more my worries, he isn't worried at all about no sex and tells me to stop being silly and worrying about him ! He hasn't watched porn whilst I've been pregnant, I caught him once at the very beginning of our relationship and he's promised never to since as it upset me so much x

 

[Jamie.d]

ah bless you

I feel super self conscious now i'm getting big!
OH and I still have sex but it is different...if I'm honest for me it just feels a little odd having gone from lingerie and a six pack to a beached whale who can't get on top ¬¬ it's me who's put off in case he's grossed out by me... I know he probably isn't but our minds play horrible tricks sometimes..

I wouldn't worry too much about it, I'm sure what he's saying is the truth! and that baby isn't in there for much longer!
I get anxious and also have massive trust issues too, I get sad when I see someone slim waking down the street, even cried today because I just feel so unattractive I suppose it's normal x

Glad you managed to speak to him though, it is so important and sometimes I need to remind myself of that! Hope you're feeling a little better x

 

[MariaIsabella]

I am with PB, doesn't bother me at all if DH wants to watch porn. I know it has nothing to do with me and he only does it because I turn him down a lot ( have absolutely no sex drive this pregnancy for some reason ). He has needs so its fine. I trust him 100% and know he would never cheat on me.

However, I am so happy your hubby respects your feelings and is stopping for you. Its normal to feel insecure in pregnancy and especially since your body is changing so much! Hope you feel better xx

 

[Juice]

I think you really need to keep your noses out of your partner's business. You are not the masturbation police. You do not get to decide when your husband touches himself, when he orgasms, or what he does to get himself there. If you have a problem with your OH watching porn, then the issue lies with you and your insecurities, and you need to work those out yourself instead of being so controlling of your partner. If you think that a person looking at a naked body is cheating then you have some serious issues you need to deal with.

Imagine how you would feel if your husband asked you not to think about a certain thing whilst you're aroused. If he asked that when you masturbate, you do so the way HE wants you to. Do you understand how disgusting it is to think you can control a person in that way? Absolutely unbelievable!

 

[Karate Kid]

As women, we give up so much of ourselves by growing these little humans and our hormones really are here there and everywhere.


I completely unstand where you are comming from and I'm really pleased that you and hubby chatted it through.


Im another one who has issues with porn, not so much porn as a stand alone but more so excessive use of porn and reduced desire as a result.... bit of a back story but it turned out my ex husband was addicted to porn, and somewhat extreme porn.... it meant that our sex life suffered and that aside, it got to the point where he didn't openly discuss sex with me, and his desires etc he just sat watching more porn.... he then went on to cheat on me several times and when my son was 13 months old I found out.



Im not trying to panic you in any way shape or form but I just don't want you thinking you are on your own. It is your marriage and only you and your husband hava a right to tell you what is acceptable within the relms of that. Nobody should judge how either of you feel. I'm suprised at the nasty tone of one of the responses on here and really do think it is unjustified. Relationships are about mutual respect and finding a balance that works for you both.



Big hug hun Cx