I need advice

[Mrs Wibbily]

Hi ladies
I haven't been on here for a while so please excuse the length and content of the post as it's quite sensitive.

Background:
Married - gorgeous husband been together 10 years, married almost 4.
Husband previously married - has 3 children from this relationship, aged 16,13 and 10.

Hubby had a reversal done so we could have a baby, we now have 2 aged 6 and 2.

3 + 2 = 5 kids in our house at some point every day as we have shared care of the older 3.

So last Wednesday I found out I was pregnant with my 3rd, completely unplanned and massively unexpected, we were using contraception but it obviously didn't work.

My husband and I had said that we were happy with our fill and that we weren't going to have anymore. The news of this third pregnancy has come as a massive shock to my husband, so much so that he is now having panic attacks and is generally a mess. He has now touched upon the idea of not carrying on with the pregnancy, which fills me with dread as when I was very young I chose not to go ahead with a pregnancy and it was a very traumatic experience one that I have always regretted and never really got over. I now know that this for my husband is the only way he can move forward. Please can I just point out my husband would never ever ever give me an ultimatum of him or the baby. My husband is an amazing man and a fantastic dad, but this is not something that was ever going to be on the cards for us. Life was just starting to get back on an even keel and we were looking forward to starting to have time together again and be able to do more things as a family.

I feel completely torn between choosing what is right for my family. Our house is already fit to bursting and although we have some money we're not rolling in it. Plus another baby would make 6 (!) how would we find the time for the quality time that is needed for them all every day? I know it's possible of course but my head is in such a strange mushed up place.

I've spoken to our parents and they see what a mess my husband is and I know they would prefer him not to be like to but I'm not sure I can bring myself to not proceed with the pregnancy purely because of what I would have to go through, at the moment I'm trying hard not to focus on the fact that I'm growing a person.

So ladies if anyone has any advice please do share it... I feel very lost right now. xx

 

[MummyEdgar]

Wibbly, didn't want to read and run, I remember you from when I had my son a couple of years ago I think you were on here too? This is a hard one, and I don't have the answer but what I would say is that your husband sounds like an amazing man and your family sounds beautiful- this must be difficult for you and sounds like your hubby needs some support also, I would take some time to try and talk it out and get some different perspectives and options, you have to do what's right for you and your family - what ever that is- take time and think your options through. Sorry I can't give any helpful advice,

 

[clairem1980]

I didn't want to read and run either. You must be so confused at the moment. I've got two children aged 4 and 2. I've gladly given away all of my baby things and have enjoyed reclaiming some space now the jumperoo, bumbo and high chair have gone to new homes. Hubby and I are looking forward to having a bit more time together now the kids are old enough to be babysat etc.
I'm completely done with babies. So I do know if something similar happened to me I'd probably react the same way your hubby has. I'd be completely flummoxed. I don't know what the right answer would be for us so definitely don't know what the answer is for you. I just wish you luck x

 

[Laurajcole]

I didn't want to read and run.

What a situation. I really don't have any advice. Just wanted to offer a hug.

My hubby has 3 children from a previous marriage, and the same as you they are regularly in our house. There is no permanent arrangement in terms of childcare, as hubby and his ex wife are very amicable and basically the children just come and go, we live very close. Makes for a fun house. But I know what you mean about being bursting.

We have a 3 year old daughter and number 2 on the way. Hubby always told me from day 1 that we could have 2 children. Financially and practically for living space. Time like you say etc as well. I always agreed. Then I found out I was having another girl, and I have suffered some dissapointment as I have always wanted a son. I feel like I need to have another. I'm not sure if Oh will come round to that idea.

I think it's something you have to take a step back, and have some time out and think about it. Think about the future and finances. In a few more days he might have had some more time to think about it.

It's really important you are honest with him how you feel, and that he considers your feelings too.

 

[Mar_15]

Sounds like a very difficult situation. Is there any way you could talk it through together with a counsellor there to keep everything calm? Panic attacks can be very scary and that might stop your husband thinking very clearly- me and OH have both suffered from them and we have both said awful things in the midst of an attack which we definitely don't mean. It might help to have a non judgemental third party there so you can both feel safe when you talk things through and not have to make immediate decisions.

 

[Juice]

A pregnancy you had to terminate a long time ago still haunts you to this day, so doing that again is not going to be good for you. It will put strain on your marriage and your general family life.

If you have this baby, how long is your husband going to feel like this for? Right now he is in a panic, which is completely understandable, but when he sees his child on the first scan, or second scan, or maybe not until the baby is born, he will fall in love, just like he did with every single one of his other children.

If you have this baby, in a few years time you'll be back where you are now, life will be settling down, more time to yourselves, etc. If you don't have this baby, in a few years time are you still going to be haunted by another termination?

Btw, discussing termination is against forum rules so I hope you get some good advice before the thread gets closed! Good luck hun. Do what ever is best for ALL of you! Xxx

 

[Inga]

easy for me. Your husbands ex have 3 children, you can have 3. It will balance your family out perfectly. Considering you had abortion, i know how how you feel, the emptyness, the guilt...your dear husband should not put you through it again. Its an amazing thing bringing a human being to life. It happenned unplanned?! It was meant to be Good luck! Congratulations!!

 

[ruby2015]

This sounds so difficult and I think both you and your husband sound amazing. Everyone has given you such great advice- could you show him this thread perhaps? Part of his stress will be caused by guilt, so the knowledge that you understand what he's going through will help and reassure him. One practical thing to consider is that his oldest child is already 16 and may be 17 by the time the baby comes, so he/she will be less of a dependent. The other thing to say is that the 2 older children may be able to play more of a supportive role, so there may be slightly less pressure for you to keep everything going single-handedly. I don't even have 1 baby yet so I'm not the best person to offer advice, but I did grow up in a family where a surprise baby did arrive when I was 12, and because my parents were older/ busier/ more tired I did have to step in with my other siblings to help raise the baby. Recent chats with my mum (I'm now pregnant with my first) have revealed that she had almost exactly what you describe, where my dad went into complete meltdown. They couldn't afford the new baby in so many ways (money, space, time) but had him anyway and everything turned out fine, and I'm pretty sure that this was due to the team of teenagers they had at their disposal to help with everything! Wishing you all the best- I think it'll all work out in the end so try not to worry. Keep talking to your lovely husband. Ruby xx