I don't want to be insensitive, how to do it?

[Mummy_midwife]

Hello, I really hope no one gets upset by my post.

My good friend and next door neighbour has been ttc her second baby for over 8 years now and I have been there for her when she is loosing hope, getting upset or feeling positive.


I care about her very much, and have seen the devastation secondary infertility can bring, when everyone keeps telling her she should be blessed to have a child I get so upset.


Since finding out I am pregnant with my 3 rd she keeps coming to my mind and I am worried about how I will tell her about this pregnancy.


Of course I could use common sense and try to break the news of my pregnancy in a way I think is ok, but I am hoping that you guys would be able to give me some good advice.


If the roles were reversed how would you tell your friend ? Thank you and really hope it's ok to post this x

 

[shea7692]

Hiya! Quite surprised that nobody has replied yet...
Anyway, I've not been in either of your positions, so I hope my advice will still be valid?
First, these people are so inconsiderate and a bit heartless to your poor friend, telling her that she should 'be blessed to have a child.' Of course she is, but it can still be heartbreaking to have no luck conceiving, even with a second child, as I have witnessed from being on here. Who asked for their opinions!? Ugh...

Secondly; I think you should tell her when you're both alone and it's calm, and say something like: "I really don't want to be insensitive, but I think it would be fairer to tell you myself, rather than hearing from someone else that I'm pregnant again, but I'll still be here to support you." I think something like that would be a safe option.
Sorry I couldn't be much more help.
xx

 

[sunnyland27]

Hi, i hope i can help, maybe? But it is a minefield and i dont think anything you'd say could not offend someone ttc. After all, were offended by just the sight of a pregnant woman sometimes!

I'd stay steer away from anything except that you understand how she feels and its ok to be upset because its a natural reaction when she's going through such a hard time. Tell her you've been worrying about how to tell her, and that you still want her to come round to chat and confide in you about her troubles, only if she feels like she can, and that you completely understand if she wants to keep her distance until after the newborn stage or whatever. If she cant see you, text her occasionally but definitely not about baby things/scans etc. Just say you were thinking about her today and hope she's well, for example.

TBH i think if she's already talking to you about such hard things, you must be a good listener and therefore a great support. However you word it it will sting a bit, but at least you're bothered about how she feels and she'll be able to tell. Thankyou for being so sensitive to her situation and posting here to find the best way.

Please let us know how it went and Congratulations on your bfp! ) xxx

 

[Phoebes_mum]

Hi, she sounds like she's a good friend. I have been trying to conceive a second for the last 2 years (and am now blessed at 9 weeks pregnant) but in that time have had 2 close friends and several family members become pregnant with their second. They were all very sensitive when telling me but I can honestly say I was pleased for everyone of them because they weren't having to go through what i was going through. yes i felt sad it still wasn't my turn but I think as long as you're sensitive it will be fine. And congratulations xx

 

[Mummy_midwife]

Thank you very much everyone for your replies We had a coffee morning arranged and I was going to tell her then, but all just got too much and she decided to go abroad for a couple of weeks on holidays so I am still waiting for a time where we can talk I hope we can fix something soon, as I want her to know before the rest of the world can figure out that I have a bump. I will try my best to be take her cues and see how she wants things to be and I will definitely let you ladies know how it goes. Thank you so much for your help xxx

 

[girly2007]

I was in a similar situation but my friend has never managed to carry a baby to full term. Bear with me when you read this........ I sent A TEXT. I wrote my honest feelings that I love her and will always be there for her, and I'm so glad my baby will have someone like her in its life... But that I wanted her to be able to express her true feelings (anger/tears/upset/frustration) without having to pretend to me that it was all ok and that she was happy for me. I put that I would call her in 20 minutes and if she didn't feel ready to talk, that would be fine, I'd try again tomo.

This had been thought through for 2 weeks before I did it and it turned out to be the best ever way to find out (her words). She didn't answer my first call but rang me 30 mins later to say thank you for being so understanding and that she was sooo glad that I'd managed to get pregnant. It might not work for your friend, only you will know that, but it definitely worked for us xxx good luck xxx

 

[Mummy_midwife]

Oh that's a really good idea, I think I like it because it gives her the space to react in the way she wants to instead of trying to look ok if I tell her face to face. I will have a think over the next few days on how to do this and find out when she is back in the UK... Thank you and will let you know xx

 

[tryingagain]

Hi,
I'm kind of in the situation of your friend. We've been TTC for a while now and my sister-in-law who I'm very close to became pregnant a few months ago. She has been the one I've been talking to about our problems and I know she was worried about telling me before she did. However I cannot stress how upset I would have been if she had tried to hold off telling me. I'm so please for her and her partner that they will be having their second child soon. My sister is also just about to start trying for her third and I'm expecting her to tell me she is pregnant before we manage to get pregnant again. Its hard but I'm happy for them.
Your friend will be happy for you I'm sure.
Best wishes.
Xxx

 

[Mummy_midwife]

A aww, thank you so much for that. I really hope you are right that's she will be pleased. In a way I think she will, but I know that every pregnancy announcement is a reminder of what she would like. I am meeting my friend tomorrow morning and will tell her then... I am a bit nervous but I really want to tell her before my scan , wich will be next week, so tomorrow will be an eventful day

I am really thankful for all your insights xxx

 

[Lulu1983]

I know I'm a bit late replying, but I can give the opinion from the other side of things, if it helps.

My sister contacted me just before Christmas to tell me that she is having her third baby next summer. My husband and I a waiting for treatment after 17 months of unsuccessfully ttc. She knows about this and I think she told me before making her announcement so I could get used to the idea without having to talk about it happily with the rest of my family. I'm truly very happy for her, and wish her the best, but after I spoke to her on the phone I did need some time to myself. I think telling her in a way that gives her space to be upset for herself, while being happy for you at the same time, is a good idea. The text idea is good, but I think a phone call is more personal. I'm sure she will be happy for you, even if she is feling sad for herself too.

Congratulations.

 

[Mummy_midwife]

Many thanks for your advice I really appreciate the insight it gives me I hope you and everyone else who are ttc here gets your babies very soon ��

 

[Blueflower]

How did it go? I know it was ages ago, but this interested me because we had a very difficult evening on Monday. Our first try of IVF was unsuccessful and we'd just got back from a holiday to recover from it when my sister told me she was expecting her 2nd. I am so happy for her but so sad that we still don't have any children and I'm older. She was worried about telling me, I wonder if it would have been as bad if it was the other way round & I'd told her we were having our first?

Then when we got home my husband's sister (also younger) phoned him to say that she is having her 2nd as well! It was so much to cope with in one evening! Its so lovely to be having 2 new babies in the family but I really wanted us to have one to catch up first! They found it more difficult to conceive the 2nd ones but it hasn't been half as long as we've waited and they didn't have to go through fertility treatment. I'm sure for them, even waiting as long as they did felt awful and they have been so understanding, but its so painful for us.

My sister just came out with it face to face and tried to comfort me which was ok, and I managed to be excited and not cry for myself. I texted DH's sister after he told me, so that I could congratulate her and she said she was so upset that we didn't have good news as well. I just think we'll need time to assimilate it, and next time I see them I'll just have to be brave. If the talk is too baby orientated I'm sure I can step away for a bit.

I'm feeling a bit better about it today but I can imagine it will be hard on family occasions when I thought we'd be the ones expecting. Especially if we never have a family, that will be really hard.

Anyway, I hope it went ok. I love your picture by the way!!

 

[Louise2013]

Hello - I am very late to this post but I just wanted to share my experiences in case anyone else is in the same position.

I have been on both sides of this. I had a mmc which I was devastated about (three years ago now) and six months later my friend, very sensitively rang me to tell me she was pregnant. That phone call felt like I had has my heart ripped out; not because I wasn't pleased for her, of course I was, but I felt very sad about our own circumstances. I wanted so desperately to be excited and happy and bubbly on that call but - and this makes me sound like a horrible person - but I spent the call desperately fighting back tears and a need to just scream my head off into a pillow. I don't know how I would have managed had I had that conversation face to face as my poker face just isn't that great!

Anyway, roll on two years later and we found out we were expecting again. This time, I had to tell two close friends who were both experiencing fertility/mc challenges. I thought long and hard about how I felt on that phone call two years earlier and decided the kindest option, although not the most politically correct one, was by SMS, so I too, like girly2007, told them by TEXT. That allowed them space to hear the news and have whatever emotional reaction that provoked in privacy (I sent the text at a time I knew they would be at home!). We then met for coffee a day later and they were thrilled for us and had had time to absorb the news.

They both spoke to me afterwards to say they were grateful for that.

I know a lot of people would say that telling someone by text is an appalling thing to do in the circumstances, but I would suggest almost every one of the people saying that has never been on the receiving end.

Good luck to all who find themselves in either position, and H&H pregnancies to everyone xxxxxxxxx

 

[Blueflower]

I think text is a good idea too. When my sister told me face to face I felt that she was searching my face for the correct reaction and I had to put on a brave face instead of reacting naturally but she thought she was doing the right thing.
That reminded me that another friend told us by email to 4 friends as a kind of update and the others were included to mention about baby clothes and toys borrowed! It felt like a kick in the stomach as we'd already been trying for a year and she was really quick again and I read the email at work so I had to pick myself up and get on with my work. I think whatever way you are told is horrible but the main thing is not to go on about it but give the friend space to process the info.

 

[dolly26]

When my sister found out she was pregnant the first time she came to mine to tell me and it was the best way for me but I did breakdown but she was great about it then she could see I was happy too. I was so glad she didn't listen to my mum who said to take me out. Then the second time I knew she was pregnant before the test even dried cause she had some bleeding and was told she had a threatened miscarriage but she is now 17 weeks but she has been great regarding telling me and excepting how I might react.