I am coping! This is normal!

[PerfectStorm]

My Mother thinks that I am a basket case and need counselling!

I have just been speaking to my Mum and she has told me that my step-niece is pregnant and is due a month after our bean should have been. We are only a small family so a new baby in the family is very big news. The news has made me really sad and I've sat here crying. Despite me telling my Mum that I'm fine 99% of the time, I only had the miscarriage 3 months ago so I'm bound to find the news that someone in our particularly small family is pregnant hard to deal with, I am actually coping quite well thank you and no I don't need counselling! I have absolutely nothing against counselling but why does she assume that because I still have the odd moment when I get upset that it means that I'm not coping. Why does she not understand that getting sad occasionally and tearful at such news, is perfectly normal!

I actually think I'm dealing with it quite well - I've happily spent time around my friend's 7 month old baby and had lots of cuddles with her - the first time was hard though, as it was only 5 weeks post miscarriage, and I was tearful but my friends, who were there, completely understood this. In fact, I've been able to joke about their daughter wondering who the crying woman was!

I've also been round to some neighbours with whom we are friendly and had a cuddle with their newborn son. I've talked to another neighbour about her becoming a grandparent soon as both her children are expecting.

My best friend's sister is pregnant and is due only 2 weeks before we should have been and I have asked after her occasionally and how her pregnancy is progressing.

I will be seeing my step-niece at Christmas and I will paint a smile on my face and congratulate her, because I am pleased for her just sad for myself.

I have a good relationship with my Mum and she has been really supportive and I know she was only worried about me but I am just really surprised that she must think that if I am still getting upset occasionally then I must be struggling to cope and need some help. Why don't people understand that a miscarriage follows a very similar pattern to grieving the death of a relative - the pain doesn't just go away a few weeks after the pregnancy is physically over.

My Mum knows this, because she has told me that my Grandma always mentioned the date her baby should have been born, despite having the miscarriage 50 years earlier!

Sorry for the long rambling post - I just needed to get this off my chest, to people who understand.

 

[Lozzaste]

Totally normal! You're absolutely right about it being like any kind of grief, it does follow the same pattern. You can be fine one minute then the next, boommm, something reminds you of your loss and you feel the anger, then the sadness and then the "why me?" Then you go back to normal again, and so the cycle continues. My first loss was due 24th December and on that week, five people I knew (FIVE!!!! I felt like I was being tortured) announced they were expecting on the same week I lost the baby at 11+4. So here I am now with four of those five babies born within the last week. I'm very happy for them but god does it sting a little. The next one was May 24th 13 and luckily I saw NO scan pics posted on Facebook and received no happy news texts or emails so I am hoping the next time will be easier.
In short, there is nothing wrong with counselling but you certainly aren't a basket case. I get quite angry that people think a miscarriage is something that happens but we shouldn't discuss - why shouldn't we? Why shouldn't we be sad? Why shouldn't we be allowed to be disappointed, upset etc? This isn't some competition we didn't win, it's a life we never got to meet! I really get on my high horse about that! Annoys me intensely!
Hope you're ok xxx

 

[stephttc]

Hey Hun

I'm so glad that I read your post! I like you feel okay most of the time, its those times when you are reminded by an announcement, or a scan picture etd that really make the loss tug at your heart strings and its those days that at the hardest to deal with.

It's very difficult to explain to people that your not going crazy and this is just the noal emotions us women who have lost out babies have to deal with. I think people don't mean bad by what they say but sometimes thinks that as they havnt experienced it themselves would be best to just not pass comment! My mom is very sensitive and won't tell me about any pregnancies as she knows how I react to it but my friends on the other hand seem to find the need to tell me - don't know why as it doesn't make me feel any better in myself.

Reading your post has madee realise that actually its okay if I want to have a food old cry to suit myself and we certainly shouldn't feel guilty or crazy for mourning our losses!

Big hugs xxx

 

[Harpy]

Thanks for your post - It sounds as though you are coping extremely well!!

I hid away from everyone and everything, and still am to a point! It sounds like you have coped really well, and its ok to have a teary moment, it really is. Hugs xx

 

[5Element]

HUGE HUGS to you all!!!
I think that everyone (incl OH's) go through an mc differently and nobody should tell you how you should be acting. I can understand people who want peace to think things through and those that want to talk to the world, everyone is different. Most important though is to look after yourself and to do what helps you get through such a tragic loss!!

Take of yourselves ladies!!

 

[scn]

I hadn't told anyone I was pregnant, then when I had the mc I told my sister. This is what she said to me
'I'm so sorry, do you want to talk about it?' I said not really. She then went on to say ' I fell really quickly with mine and do you remember when we went out for your birthday and I thought I was pregnant and done the test in the toilets in the pub and it was positive!! Oh and you were drinking and dancing the night away last week at our cousins 50th party and you were pregnant then!!!!!

Some people just don't get it do they? It broke my heart that she said those things to me the day my mc started