Coping With Other People's Reactions

Discussion in 'Coping with Miscarriage & Loss' started by Sparkols, Jul 15, 2005.

  1. Sparkols

    Sparkols Active Member

    Joined:
    Apr 7, 2005
    Messages:
    44
    Likes Received:
    0
    Hi ladies,

    I guess we all hoped never to have to visit this section of the forum eh? It's taken me a while to be up to it, but I've found all the other sections so useful in the past that I'm hoping this one will help me too.

    Without really wanting to go into the details just yet (still too raw to see in black & white), I'm currently going through a miscarriage - started last Friday & still going strong unfortunately - been the worst week of my life so far. Keep being on the point of having to go back into hospital for an evacuation op. but cos I'm well on the way, they're encouraging me to try to hang in there & ride it out.

    I'm sure you can all identify with me & I'm also sure that many of you will undoubtedly have had much worst experiences than me & you all have my complete admiration & understanding.

    My lovely hubby has been absolutely fantastic - we're slowly getting through it together & both our families & workplaces have all been very understanding & supportive. Most of our friends have also been amazing but others have surprised me in a way...

    I know it's a difficult thing for anyone to understand unless they've been through it themselves (especially poor men!) & I know it's not their fault in that they don't know what to say or do for the best etc etc & I'm sure I'm probably being over-sensitive & over-reacting about it all - nothing more irrational than a hormonal woman eh? However, I've been really irritated by some people (mostly women?!) & I just need to have a bit of a rant about it if that's ok?! Have any of you felt the same or had similar situations or is it just me being way too emotional about everything?!...

    We've had comments like - 'well, if you'd like a change of scene or a night out to cheer yourself up, let me know - we're about all weekend' - what?! This early in the situation?! Struggling to get through the [email protected]@dy day right now - is that the best you can do?!

    We've had several 'hope you're ok & will be better soon' - we've not had the flu for god's sake!! We even had a 'hope whatever the problem is will be fixed soon' - eh?!?!

    A lot of people keep telling us that they know loads of women who've had a miscarriage & now have babies or are pregnant again & I know they're only trying to reassure us, but when that's the first & only comment they have to make, it sounds like they're completely ignoring what it means to you & what you're going through & what you've lost & are kind of saying 'you're not the only ones - you'll have a baby at some point probably so what's your problem?!' D'you know what I mean or am I going insane & over-analysing the most ridiculous things??!!

    I've also got the impression from some people who seem to think it should only take a few days & we'll be 'over it' soon & 'back to normal' - we've even had that comment!!

    I've even had 1 woman who I considered to be a good friend who hasn't even contacted me AT ALL - to say ANYTHING - not even a 'sorry - I don't know what to say but let me know if you need anything' which seems to be the standard response from people who really don't know what else to say!! She's the other half of a couple we see all the time who live round the [email protected]@dy corner - my hubby & hers work together & we've been friends for almost 4 years - not 100% best friends massively close, but certainly good friends. I'm always sensitive to her needs & have been helping her out a lot lately cos she's struggling to conceive & I spent almost 2 years in the same boat so I've been very very understanding & supportive to her. She usually mails me at least once per day but this week - NOTHING.

    My hubby told hers a week ago now when it happened & he's sent a couple of pretty naff messages (to my hubby) full of inappropriate comments about hoping we're bearing up & are ok etc. (yeah, right??!!) but that's been all we've heard from them - not really surprised at him - he's obviously a bloke (!!) but also not really the most expressive or understanding kind of soul. Must admit, I'm quite disappointed & a little bit hurt that she's not contacted me though - only last week she was pouring her heart out to me about conceiving & expecting me to be there for her, which I was without hesitation.

    The last straw has got to have been the fact that she thoughtlessly sent both my hubby & me one of those popular stupid joke e-mails this week which she was obviously sending out to all her friends - we're probably on some sort of group she's got set up on her e-mail that she sends this sort of stuff to, but all the same - am I the only person who would have thought twice before doing that?! I mean, for [email protected]'s sake!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    Sorry - just really peeved about it - obviously more than I thought!!!!!

    OK, I think I'm calming down now!!

    On a better note, some of my closest girlfriends have been incredible - I've been moved to tears so many times in the past week by their kind, understanding words & thoughfulness, so I consider myself to be incredibly lucky in that respect at least!

    It'd be helpful to hear from anyone else out there who can kind of 'get' where I'm coming from at the moment - any comments gratefully received!!

    Kath.
     
  2. jacquidube

    jacquidube Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 10, 2005
    Messages:
    266
    Likes Received:
    0
    Hello Kath
    It was actually pretty good that you wrote the way you did because I guess we do hold back when something traumatic happens and we get angry because we ask WHY. Why is it happening to me.....I had a comment like....well it was meant to be...Heartless or what?. The only person you can talk to is yourself, you are the only one who knows what you really need to hear. Believe me I hated everyone, especially women because I feel they can be the most insensitive, just because they are women. Men on the other hand can be b..tards but there are the men who are wonderful and at least try to understand. Im not going to tell you that youi are not alone in this because its not what you need to hear. This is your own self and you need to be with just you because nobody else will matter right now. I will pray for you, for some comfort and just to let you know that I dont know you and you dont know me, but im hear and anytime you want to email me then email [email protected].
    all my love Jacqui. x
     
  3. Sparkols

    Sparkols Active Member

    Joined:
    Apr 7, 2005
    Messages:
    44
    Likes Received:
    0
    Thanks Jacqui!

    Yeah - we've had several 'it was meant to be' comments too - NOT helpful!!

    I'm sure time will help - me & hubby have had many a long talk about it all & we've agreed that we'll start trying again as soon as poss etc - we're very very together so we'll get each other through it eventually but hearing from people such as yourself helps too - thanks again!

    Kath.
    XX
     
  4. michelle82

    michelle82 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 17, 2005
    Messages:
    1,018
    Likes Received:
    0
    Sorry to hear of your loss, I cant imagine how it is to deal with, so I'm not going to do the whole poor you thing etc. Its good you and hubby have each other as its only really you that know what your going through. The only thing i can say is and this is the one thing I was thinking about when trying to get preggers is that it happened you got pregnant and although it didnt work out like it should have you now know that you can do it and it will happen again so good luck in the trying and keep us posted. I'm sure you'll be back on the 1st trimester forum before you know it x
     
  5. LucyBee

    LucyBee Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Jun 4, 2005
    Messages:
    3,311
    Likes Received:
    0
    Hi Sparkols,
    I can pretty much echo everything you said in your post.
    It's four weeks yesterday that my m/c was confirmed.
    There's nothing anyone can say to take away the pain but it does sound like you've got a supportive husband there and that's what's helped me get through my mine.
    I had the same situation with a friend of mine not contacting me at all. Finally she did ring and she said that'd she'd been lying low because she thought I'd need some time to myself. The bottom line is that I don't think people know what to say or do, especially if they've never been through it.
    Still...you're in the right place here, and I'm always about if you want a chat.
    Thinking of you.
    Lucy x
     
  6. Sparkols

    Sparkols Active Member

    Joined:
    Apr 7, 2005
    Messages:
    44
    Likes Received:
    0
    Thanks ladies - it definately helps to hear from you all - I really appreciate it!!

    I know we'll eventually be ok about it & life goes on etc etc etc - it just takes a bit of time eh?

    I'm having a mixture of good & bad days at the moment - both physically & emotionally, so I'm kind of 'going with it' & taking each day as it comes - I don't feel the need to apologise for it either - I figure people will just have to accept it!!

    I'm NEVER selfish - I'm always the one who considers everybody else before myself etc etc etc but right at the moment I couldn't give a sh!t about anyone but me & my husband for a change & I don't care what people think - tough - their problem - not ours!!

    I also realised a few days ago that it's so unfair on the bloke when these things happen - everyone seems to focus on the woman & forget about them which is really [email protected] considering they're just as upset & have lost just as much etc. - only our mothers have even asked how my husband is - everyone else automatically just sympathises & asks after me. He's not particularly bothered but it really winds me up - mind you, every little thing is doing that right now - you might have guessed!!

    I think I'm at that difficult stage now where it's been just over a week & so far I've avoided talking to anyone (other than both mothers when I just blubbed hysterically) apart from by e-mail etc. & I haven't been outside the house or done anything 'everyday' & normal' etc. Hubby has been off work all week with me & has been 'fielding' all contact from the outside world, bless him, but he has to go back next week & I know we need to try to start to get 'back to normal' as far as possible - albeit gradually.

    (I'm taking next week off work too cos I'm still bleeding/clotting a fair bit & having pain on & off etc. & just can't face it again just yet. Then, we've both got the following week booked off as holiday anyway, so I'm not going back till at least after that.)

    I know I can't 'hide' in the house forever & will have to start talking to my family & friends when they call - it's just so hard to know what to say & some days I really don't want to talk about it at all whereas other days I feel the need to 'unload' big-time! Plus, I'm really conscious of how over-sensitive I am right now & don't want to feel resentful of anyone if they don't say or do exactly the right thing!! There's also the issue of some of the neighbours who knew I was pregnant - god, dreading the first encounter with any of them - they're all quite nice & always enquire how I'm doing when they see me.

    I think one of the hardest things to deal with is that in my head I'd associated various upcoming events & times with how pregnant & 'blooming' I'd be by then - even down to thinking about whether or not I'd have to search out a maternity type outfit to wear etc etc etc - I'd started to get really excited about telling & showing people - especially those who haven't seen me for a while etc. Daft I know, but hard to shake off the mental pictures I'd created - some of these events are now fast approaching & I'm getting very nervous about going to them & seeing people for the first time - unsure about how to act or what to say etc. Plus, I'm well known for being very outgoing & bubbly & a bit of a 'life & soul of the party' kind of girl, but definately don't feel anything like that right now & can't imagine doing so for a fair while. I think I'm worried about people's expectations of me - I'm going to be very conscious of them watching me all night etc. - does anyone else know what I mean or am I being massively paranoid AGAIN?!

    Also, the couple I mentioned in my first e-mail, with the woman that's really p!$$ed me off with her lack of contact etc, only live round the corner & my husband car-shares a lift to work with the bloke every day (my hubby is her hubby's boss in fact!) & we normally socialise with them a fair bit. At the moment, cos I feel so narky towards her in particular, I'm feeling like I really don't want to see them for a while - I'm worried that I won't be able to hide my feelings etc. This poses a dilemma about a possible work event we're supposed to be going to next weekend, where we'd all normally be there & as well as them, all my hubby's other work mates & wives know me & know how lively I normally am. (Only a few of them know what's happened - the others just know he had an emergency 'personal' week off work & are undoubtedly trying to guess why right now!) On the one hand I really don't want to go but then on the other hand I know I can't avoid things like this forever & I feel guilty that I ought to go for my husband's sake.

    My husband is incredibly supportive & all-round brilliant in every way, but he deals with things differently to me - he's quite practical & logical & very positive & optimistic & finds that doing everyday stuff takes his mind off things & lets him get back to normal quite quickly. Whereas I'm a typical woman!! - over-emotional, hormonal, over-analyse everything, worry about all sorts of things - most of which I can't control anyway, wallow in self-pity every now & then, swing between positive & negative outlook, blah blah blah - I'm sure some of you will know what I mean?!

    I know that apart from his obvious distress this week, he's been much more worried about me than himself - he hates it when I'm upset & not being my usual positive, bubbly, funny self. I keep catching him looking at me, all forlorn & hopeful, so I force a smile out to reassure him that I'm 'getting there' to make him feel better. I know that he'd really see it as a 'good sign' if I went to this [email protected]@dy stupid work thing so I'm torn about what to do. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!! Maybe I'll wait till the end of next week & see how I'm feeling - naff though it is, it does seem that 'time is a great healer' - god, have I really just typed that?! I guess I feel a lot different today that I did last Saturday when I bawled my eyes out all day & didn't shower or dress or eat or speak to anyone etc etc etc so you never know what next weekend will bring I suppose.

    God, sorry - just realised what a long 'rant' this has been!! I'd better go now!!

    Thanks again for all your kind words ladies - it does help to know I'm not alone &/or going mental!!

    Kath.
    XXXXXXX
     
  7. dani200420052000

    dani200420052000 Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    Apr 23, 2005
    Messages:
    315
    Likes Received:
    0
    Hi Sparkols!

    I have never read your posts fully untill now.. Words must not be able to describe how you and your husband are ffeling at the mo... nI am sorry for the loss of your baby, and hopefully in time you will be able to remember him/her In a nice way that will make u smile when u think about him/her and not cry!

    I know that will probs be hard to believe at the mo.. But you will move on ( even tho the heartache will still be there ).
    I lost my baby in Jan @ 7 1/2 wks and I was devastated nothing that any 1 could say or do would make me feel better, But to the fact of a miracle I am preg again, But I will never forget my unborn child. He/She will always be in my thoughts.

    So remember 1 day u and your husband will smile again, But for now just take It 1 step at a time. Tkae Care...

    Love Danielle and Bubble xx
     
  8. LouisecH

    LouisecH Well-Known Member

    Joined:
    May 28, 2005
    Messages:
    1,284
    Likes Received:
    0
    Hi Sparkols

    Glad to see you're back messaging - that will really help get it all out of your system.
    When I lost my first baby in january I was living in Greece and felt like I was going mad because I had no friends over there and my family were so far away. I wish I'd known about this forum because I wasn't sure what was 'normal' mentally or physically (couldn't understand the doctors either!). Now I think any feeling is normal and any way that helps you grieve is fine.
    People can amaze you with insensitivity. One of my best friends when I got back to England asked if i'd been checked for 'problems' and when I said that everything looked ok she 'Ah, well, nothing to worry about then, just get on with your life'. She then went on to tell me all about how well her pregnancy was going and how her 2 yr old daughter was doing. :evil: Needless to say I haven't spoken to her since.
    I found it was best to just stick to the people who were able to offer me support and not bother too much with the others. It can only make you more stressed.
    There's always support here if you need it and you can rant whenever you need to!
    Thinking of you,
    Louise
     

Share This Page

  1. This site uses cookies to help personalise content, tailor your experience and to keep you logged in if you register.
    By continuing to use this site, you are consenting to our use of cookies.
    Dismiss Notice