How supportive is your OH?

[CARNAT22]

Sorry - I am just full of it today.

Wondering if I am the only unlucky sod that got stuck with Mr Insensitive

My OH isn't great at all this emotional stuff so much so that I am actually getting very annoyed with him!!!!

I know it's the 3rd loss for him as well BUT it's like he doesn't care at all?

He actually said to me the other day that he had asked me not to test early because of previous losses. He seems to think that NOT having a BFP would mean I didn't know I was having a M/C? Is he insane?

My OH is a sweetheart for the most part, he is just a very blokey bloke (he is one of 5 boys and they were bought up in a very 'masculine' environment).

I was bought up in a household where there were lots of hugs, 'I love you's' and lots of emotion. OH was bought up in a more sedate household where men are men etc...

He is not emotionally stunted, he just doesn't get emotional about much if that makes sense?

I know he adores me, I know he adores or little cat and I know one day he will make a wonderful Dad but his lack of compassion is driving me nuts.

He was great when this all started but over the weekend I get the impression he thinks I should be 'over it'. He says things like "try not to let this get to you too much" and whilst I know he is tying to give me some perspective when he says things like this I just want to smack him !!!

Grrrr - sorry ladies - rant #25 of the day over

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[kanga86]

Aww Hun, my oh was exactly the same after my mmc, doesn't compare to ur 3, but he didn't understand that 4 months down line and having bled for so long is so emotionally draining. It's not like he doesn't care and I know it did affect him, h just didn't show it. Even now I'm suffering with extremely bad ms and he is telling me I have a bug! It's like he hasn't accepted I'm pregnant and is scared to say it out loud.

I think it is just a man thing to do big hugs hunny, been thinking of u xxxxx

 

[CARNAT22]

Aww Hun, my oh was exactly the same after my mmc, doesn't compare to ur 3, but he didn't understand that 4 months down line and having bled for so long is so emotionally draining. It's not like he doesn't care and I know it did affect him, h just didn't show it. Even now I'm suffering with extremely bad ms and he is telling me I have a bug! It's like he hasn't accepted I'm pregnant and is scared to say it out loud.

I think it is just a man thing to do big hugs hunny, been thinking of u xxxxx

I've been checking in on you and Taffy (and the other ladies I 'met') but I didn't want to post in Tri 1. I'll look in at the weekend to see how Friday goes !!

Sorry you are feeling so sick but it's a good thing xxx

My OH is a plank sometimes, there is not delicate way of putting it.

I know he means well and he has been very tactile (lots of hugs etc) BUT he just does not get it.

I will admit that the past 6 months have been completely taken over by Miscarriages and TTC and it is a slight relief to know that we are having the next 6 weeks or so 'off'. We have discussed it and know that one day it will no longer be jut the two of us so we agree we should make the most of each other whilst we can.

It's still hard though, I do feel very alone!

I am not used to my OH being me 'complete' emotional support (no-one barring one friend and one work colleague know anything about loss 2 and 3!)

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[TORino]

My OH was a git after my MC.

I don't think he dealt with it very well himself so I cut him some slack. Though if he ever makes me feel like he did again it will be curtains for us I think. Instead of helping me out he added to my stress a lot.

I did forget that he was dealing with it too I guess a little bit, whilst we experience the physical and emotional pain, they have still lost a baby as well and I think that can sometimes be overlooked.

I hope he mans up sweetheart xxx

 

[CARNAT22]

My OH was a git after my MC.

I don't think he dealt with it very well himself so I cut him some slack. Though if he ever makes me feel like he did again it will be curtains for us I think. Instead of helping me out he added to my stress a lot.

I did forget that he was dealing with it too I guess a little bit, whilst we experience the physical and emotional pain, they have still lost a baby as well and I think that can sometimes be overlooked.

I hope he mans up sweetheart xxx

I think he actually needs to 'man down' LOL!

He is so emotionless about the whole thing??

He has said that he has suffered 3 losses too, but that he just cannot view it like I do. To him it was never real or tangible and quite frankly I do think he was annoyed with me about POAS all the time, especially as I'd agreed to wait until I was 2 weeks late to test (meaning I wouldn't have tested until tomorrow - how mad is that?).

It is evident there is a problem though and my POAS confirms that we can get pregnant we just cannot stay pregnant. We have talked and we do both want to deal with the problem and hopefully get our sticky bean one day.

I guess this is just a tough time for us. It's still very raw for me. I knew when I started bleeding it was the same thing, yet I kept getitng BFP's and then I went to EPU etc so it was a like a bomb that kept exploding. Only yesterday did I begin to get some true resolution.

Man I need to get myself home and chill the Hell out LOL!

Thank God for this place!

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[KarolinaMoon]

Hey Carnat,

I have just had a rant at my hubby for similar things. , I'm very emotional and not feeling the best today He's very very busy at work, he has deadlines he has to meet or else etc etc.....and just when I need him the most he isn't there! I just broke down with him on the phone and completely lost it!! My hubby has been very supportive so far, but I think the problem comes when it is 'expected' that we should have got over it all by a certain time, or it feels like that anyway even if it isn't the case!! I'm finding it really difficult at the moment getting back to normality (whatever 'normal' is lol).
I think alot of the time men just deal with things by getting on with it, occupying their minds with work, football, etc etc....us ladies need to talk about things, and that creates a conflict
I think at the end of the day, it is obvious that your man loves you very very much, he doesnt like to see you hurting, and thinks that by telling you not to test early he is helping. Men don't really understand that much about the whole world of pregnancy. My hubby says similar things like 'try not to let it get to you', but its only because they dont know how else to help!! Men are practical minded and like to beable to do something immediately to fix a problem.....hence the insensitive comments.
Best thing to do is try and nudge him in the right direction by explaining to him the facts about miscarraige, pregnancy testing etc,
Hope you feelin better soon chick, n he gives you a big hug!!!! xxx

 

[CARNAT22]

OH ended up on the sofa last night - he went out to a gig with his brother and didn't roll in until 1am. On a Monday....

I went mental of course (even though he was out with his brother, tickets were a Birthday gift and I had agreed that he should go - and he wasn't pi55ed either, just a little tipsy)

So 1.30 I am in tears, wouldn't let him get into bed and banished him to the sofa.

Then of course I couldn't sleep!

At 2am I had to wake him up to try and explain that I am holding things together for the most part but I am still very raw and very angry and very sad.

We'll talk some more after my Dr's appointment later.

As 'unsupportive' as he is being I now see that I am being a fruitcake and not making things any easier LOL!

Karolina, over the past 6 months I think my OH has heard more about pregnancy / Miscarraige / TTC than most men hear in a lifetime LOL!

We're going to ease up on the whole baby thing for a while and get out relationship back on track first.

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[LuW]

Men are programmed by society to be the protectors and aren't allowed to show emotion. L will get very upset over Billie when he thinks I don't know. Like if I can't see him or he thinks I can't hear. But he's never gotten overly emotional infront of me because hes 'meant' to protect me.

That and men aren't really able to connect to the baby like we do. They only see that theres a baby when theres a bump going on but there isn't a lot of emotion until babys there and is real to them. Baby doesn't need them until then.

I'm lucky with L but I think he only lets me get away with the outbursts I have due to everything surrounding my baba and he's now been wittness to the way people react to Billie when they think no one else will know. While he's brilliant - his family are the heartless pr*cks and enjoy phoning me up telling me to stop lying because I 'can't' have had a baby and I only told him so to trap him. L's always known that Billie wasn't his blood and still tells his officers at work about His son bless him. xxxxxxxxx

 

[EllieC]

Hi Hun, so sorry for your loss. Men are just complete aliens!!! If you search little footprints sands there is a bit on their website from a fathers prospective as well as how we all deal with things differently. I am sure he cares deeply men just have this awful habbit of trying to say something and it coming out very wrong, We I had a late mmc and had to be induced my DH was great at first and then after a while he was terrible, like I had used all my credit for open emotion and now had to bottle it up and stick a smile on it, he at one point announced to me mid argument that he hadnt been happy for a month or so....no sh*t we lost a baby about then-so neither have I!!!! We had 2 early mc which I think for us was disappointment especially for him rather than upset but we then lost our son who was term at a week old and again we have had ups and downs, I know he loves our son but sometimes he seems to be dealing with this so much better than me and then i go through ' does he even care' but I now know after so much grieving together that he does he just does this differently to me, he hurts bad but grief is lonely and ultimatly it is and always will be that bit different for a woman because even 'before they become 'real' to our men we are carrying them and that is a bond that no man can ever understand, it doesnt mean they care less its just different.

Sorry for the rant, just lernt alot over the last few years, to be honest I could have lived a lifetime without! but it reallys is an experience that can make or break a relationship just becase of misunderstanding each other, I cry my DH gets angry.

Chin up- have a look at the website I found it really helpful, OH might find it helpful too knowing other blokes feel the same. thinking of you and sending big hugs xxx

 

[CARNAT22]

Hi Hun, so sorry for your loss. Men are just complete aliens!!! If you search little footprints sands there is a bit on their website from a fathers prospective as well as how we all deal with things differently. I am sure he cares deeply men just have this awful habbit of trying to say something and it coming out very wrong, We I had a late mmc and had to be induced my DH was great at first and then after a while he was terrible, like I had used all my credit for open emotion and now had to bottle it up and stick a smile on it, he at one point announced to me mid argument that he hadnt been happy for a month or so....no sh*t we lost a baby about then-so neither have I!!!! We had 2 early mc which I think for us was disappointment especially for him rather than upset but we then lost our son who was term at a week old and again we have had ups and downs, I know he loves our son but sometimes he seems to be dealing with this so much better than me and then i go through ' does he even care' but I now know after so much grieving together that he does he just does this differently to me, he hurts bad but grief is lonely and ultimatly it is and always will be that bit different for a woman because even 'before they become 'real' to our men we are carrying them and that is a bond that no man can ever understand, it doesnt mean they care less its just different.

Sorry for the rant, just lernt alot over the last few years, to be honest I could have lived a lifetime without! but it reallys is an experience that can make or break a relationship just becase of misunderstanding each other, I cry my DH gets angry.

Chin up- have a look at the website I found it really helpful, OH might find it helpful too knowing other blokes feel the same. thinking of you and sending big hugs xxx

Ellie - I think you and your DH are remarkable!

To come through what you have and still be positive and united is truly amazing darling.

Thanks for the website info aswell.

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[EllieC]

As you know, you deal with it!!! there isnt much else we can do! Thanks tho. Dh and I are ttc but scares sh*tless! Not very positive then, just always thinking...what next! irrational I know but as I am sure you know, good days and bad days, but yes DH and I are strong now although in the past there have been times where we have not understood each other and it has made it really hard, but we are blessed with a beautiful 4 yr old girl who was hard work to start off with- premmie!!! but is just a ray of light in all of this, To be honest I think she is our positivity and given us the push to go on even when we felt we couldnt. Website is really doo- info pack etc but PM whenever hun. xx

 

[CARNAT22]

As you know, you deal with it!!! there isnt much else we can do! Thanks tho. Dh and I are ttc but scares sh*tless! Not very positive then, just always thinking...what next! irrational I know but as I am sure you know, good days and bad days, but yes DH and I are strong now although in the past there have been times where we have not understood each other and it has made it really hard, but we are blessed with a beautiful 4 yr old girl who was hard work to start off with- premmie!!! but is just a ray of light in all of this, To be honest I think she is our positivity and given us the push to go on even when we felt we couldnt. Website is really doo- info pack etc but PM whenever hun. xx

Thank you once more - kindness like this is the reason I love this forum.

Fingers crossed with TTC. I hope that all us ladies here will eventually end up in Tri 1 and beyond together

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[Dragonfly Fi]

I think i started a thread a long time ago about how little Liam seemed to care about the stillbirth of our little girl.

it was really hard for me

its a man thing... i think the only way round it is to become lesbians.

 

[k8_005]

im lucky tom is very supportive, but then he also seems sometimes more upset than me but i think thats becasue there is no-one he feels comfortable talking about it all too where as im lucky to have good freinds and the forum. i think he prob like most men bottles it up and its the whole "not being able to find a soloution" that bothers him as well as of course the loss. men dont mean to be useless they just deal differently, it doesnt mean they care less but how can they possibly know how we feel when we are the ones who have had it happen to all they can do is greive their own way. hugs hope things get better xxxx