How can TTCers and Pregnant ladies relate?

[LouiseB]

I know that pregnant ladies had to ttc at some point, but once they cross that line - can they still relate to ttc'ers or are ladies either on one side of fence or the other?

This isn't referring to the pregnant ladies in the forums (before they all turn hormonal and get their pitchforks out ) but i have mentioned before that my best friend has just announced that she is pregnant and we could talk about everything and anything but now the topic of me ttc or her being pregnant is like an elephant in the room

It's awkward and before she announced and we were "both" ttc we could talk about it all the time. She already has a little girl so she knew what she was talking about...

I try mentioning ttc and she turns evasive and if she offers support, she quickly starts apologising like she shouldn't encourage me. She doesn't seem comfortable mentioning her bump either.

I am happy she is pregnant and i feel that i try to show her that.

I was just wondering if any of you ladies have friend on the other side of the fence and if your relationship has changed at all and how maybe i could overcome it with my friend because it sucks

 

[jodied]

I haven't had the same situation hun but perhaps your friend worries that she will upset you if she talks about her pregnancy too much because she knows that you are ttc. Maybe try talking to her and saying that you'd love to hear about what she's going through and ask her to keep helping you on your ttc journey! I'm sure she will be happy to talk to you if she realises that she's not going to upset you x

 

[flexilexi394]

I think I can perfectly well relate to ttcers, especially as I was not ttc at all, which makes me feel bad for people that are ttc if that makes sense? I feel like I jumped the queue and got myself in a rediculous situation, whilst there are people that wouldn't regret or would do anything for a baby, and I just managed to produce a baby not actually wanting to! So wierd! But that's just how I feel. I do think some ttcers possibly are envious, clearly your not and your quite open. Whereas a while back on the forum a ttcer felt really intimidated by our tickers and I think that was just her way of saying she doesn't like the fact she's surrounded by pregnant people, and she wasn't in our situation yet.

It amazes me that there are healthy people out there, ttc, and someone like me on a bit of a drunken night concieves in all the wrong ways. Beats me! Just goes to show ttcers, it is possible in the wierdest of circumstance! I was stressed, drinking a lot, not getting on with OH and voilà!! Baby on the way!! Lol. So hang on in there, if a not so good girl can do it, anyone can!! X

 

[xshauna_bazx]

Your friend maybe thinks she will upset u if she talks about it cos you are TTC and she maybe doesnt want to say the wrong thing...reassure her that you dont mind...hope that use get back on track.

 

[Vickyxx]

My sister conceived after one night, my best friend by accident and my other friend three weeks after stopping the pill, none of them had to go through the struggle of actually trying to concieve so i find it hard to relate to them about my worrys and fears as they never experienced these themselves.

Obviously they show me empathy and support but they dont know how truelly hard it is when month after month I am left dissapointed and sad.... i would say there is a line but it is how you deal with those differences together that count, although my friends never had to try they will still listen to me talk for hours about my TTC journey which means so much to me even if I think they dont really understand x

 

[maybe baby]

I can completely understand where you're coming from Louise, you guys shouldn't feel awkward together though, you have to remember TTC is something we have little or no control over.

Its weird for me as I'm the first of my friends that has TTC so although I do chat to them a bit about things, they like me before I started TTC have only a basic understanding of everything that is involved.

I think we're really lucky everyone on the forum is great and are always there if you need anything.

I'm sure you'll be preggers soon anyway hun and then you'll have nothing to worry about. xx

 

[star fish]

Things change Louise. Get a helmet and suck it up. That sounds really harsh in writing, but it's meant in sympathy from one sad-it's-changed-everything to another.

It's just not going to be the same between the two of you, kids change everything, her priorities have shifted and you are just not in the smug pregnant club!

I don't want to say opposite to everyone else, but seriously, I dont think you should run in circles trying to pander to her or her to you, there is distance between you because of the situation and that's life.

My bf has just given birth to her second. When she got pregnant with the first I was desperate to do the journey with her, but it didnt happen no matter how hard i tried. We are still close and love each other but she is in a different stage of her life to me and so we see a lot less of each other. It's sad, but that's what happens.

Sorry xxx

 

[LouiseB]

Things change Louise. Get a helmet and suck it up.

I apprecite your view Star Fish, even if you are a bit scary

 

[star fish]

LOL, sorry, a bit of PMT sneaking in!!

 

[LouiseB]

LOL, sorry, a bit of PMT sneaking in!!

I guessed that much on my own lol

Not that it was obvious at all...

 

[karenandbump]

Hey hon, I think ur friend might well be worries about 'rubbing ur nose in it' and I can empathise with the situiation. I had a friend who tried for over 4 years and in that time I had my little boy and fell pg again. I felt awful telling her about my little boy and she cried when I did. It was tense for a while and our lives did move in different directions but we're back on an even keel now.

Sending u lots of baby dust and a big hug cos it sucks when things aren't as good as usual with friends. Lots of love x x x

 

[Princess81]

*runs n hides*
All my friends got pregnant by mistake (apart from two who planned theirs) I am the only one who isn't normal
But, things haven't changed between any of us at all. As Star Fish mentioned their priorities change when they have to put l/o's first, but attitude-wise we are actually the same and pick up where we left off. Have you tried sitting her down straight and just saying "hey you don't have to skirt the issue or wrap me in cotton wool, i'm fine and I can take it that you are pregnant" something like that???

 

[Olive]

Ha ha you two totally made me giggle there and oh was like "what are you up to?". lol.

my friend got pg by "mistake" (not sure if it was or not tbh) with someone she had just started seeing. she now has a 1 year old and the dad isn't on the seen, which is quite sad. she is a very good mum, but she is very opinionated. she knows that i'm ttc and i told her about this forum. she was very against it, telling me how sad it was and not needed. I backed off as I don't want her searching and having a nose and finding me on here (not that she knows the website, but i myself am nosey!) - feel better keeping my chat just with my ttc buddies. she was telling me what to do when im pg, how it only takes most ppl a few months etc. very annoying for someone who practically had a one night stand. hmmmph! lol.

i think having a baby must totally change your friendships. i imagine you find out who your true friends are.

xxxx

 

[Princess81]

^^^^ I imagine the pregnant one finds out who her real friends are too. being that she can't go out as much (ie on the beer and stuff) they could end up feeling kinda isolated and out of it? I dunno from experience, I've never been pregnant before but it could be a lonely time for a girl possibly ?? xx

 

[Olive]

yeah i agree princess thats kinda what i meant too. i can imagine quite a few of my friends will drift off once i have a baby. they're just not in to kids and stuff at the moment and i can't imagine chatting baby with them. think i'll be on these forums for a long time xxxx

 

[LouiseB]

I did try saying to her that she shouldn't apologise and can say anything she wants to me, but i didn't feel like she really accepted it.

I guess she might be scared of upsetting me, but i wish she wouldn't.

I'm sure when i get pregnant, or she gives birth (whichever comes first ), that we'll be ok again but i wish i didn't have the extra thing of temporarily losing a rl friend on my mind too.

 

[CatBana]

what an interesting thread. my daughter is 4 and a half and when I think about it I'm now only close to 3 of my friends from before she was born - and I barely get to see them at that. I DESPERATELY miss socialising with them and seeing them, but unfortunately having a baby makes you selfish, especially if you breastfeed (literally didn't go out at night for 14 months). I sit in every wkend and basically have lost my identity. this is something I want to fix by working towards getting my career sorted and trying to contact my friends more often.
I have a few friends who are pregnant and I'm happy for them, but it isn't half annoying when they try to give advice such as 'just forget about it and it'll happen' or 'it'll happen when you least expect it!!' it's very patrionising because of course I've tried all that already and its been 13 months. It sucks, I hate ttc sometimes.

 

[Princess81]

ultimately hun, you are clearly good friends and you value her friendship, other wise you wouldn't be as concerned as you are
Whatever comes first, you getting your BFP or your friend giving birth, eventually you will get back on track again and it'll be like nothing ever changed. That is the pure beauty of true friendship xx

 

[WILMAFLINSTONE]

Been in this situation!

Me and a very good friend both started TTC within a month of eachother. Her in Dec me in Jan this year!
We used to talk for hours about TTC, when we got preg etc etc all excited like little kids!
We knew when eachother was testing and supported eachother through the BFN's!
March came and she started asking have you tested yet! When I did I got a BFP and was terrified of telling her coz I didnt want he to think I was rubbing her nose in it! I did however telll her and she was 'overly' happy for me! So I didnt see her for a few days and she went quiet on me! Obviously I thought coz I was pregnant!
Then I started to miscarry....I told her and she started keeping in touch for the few days that it was happening...(I felt like she was happy and kept in touch to make sure it was really happening) but I still hadnt seen her for 2 weeks!
So once I had lost the baby I was in bits....she text me about 2 weeks later saying when could she come and see me....after not wanting to see me through the MC etc she 'had' to see me! So she came round and literlly in the house five mins with a mig grin on her face told me she was pregnant! I crumbled!
I really felt like she was gloating and rubbed my nose in it and I hated her for that!
Our relationship was really different and very strained and then again she kep her distance from me for ages apart from dropping the odd all about her text!!

Anyway she was happily moving on her pregnancy and then in June I got my BFP....told her and again she was overly happy and as we share a lot of the same friends they made a massive fuss when I announced which they hadnt with her and once again she started to back off again!
So I said look we need to talk! She came over and we talked and thought we had cleared the air! That was until two weeks ago when I had scan and posted my scan pics and more of our mutual friends left lots of congrats etc...she didnt comment, like the pics or anything again something which to me stinks of green eyed monster and I really dont know why!

Were both getting waht weve wanted a baby...so I dont understand why shes behaving like that!

Sorry for the long winded ppost to make my point but like star fish has said....without maybe deliberately changing it does sometime strain the closest of friendships and you know what....I dont even spend any time worry about it anymore as its not worth it!

There are some friends that truly share in our happiness and others whos throats it sticks in!!

Worry about you and nobody else Mrs xxx

 

[cherelle]

Great thread!

A friend of mine got pregnant a month before me so she was pg and i was ttc. As she had been ttc for a few months prior to me we were still able to chat about all the hangups that come with ttc but also i could see there was light at the end of the tunnel and she gave me hope! Since having my bfp its great to have someone a few weeks ahead of me to compare stories with. Hopefully your situation will change in the same way soon Louise and she'll be able to give you advice and reassure you on early pregnancy when you get your bfp.

To be honest i think the difficulty ffor me is at another point - i have friends i can talk openly to who are still ttc and a couple that are pregnant but the ones who have small children i actually find harder to relate to! x