How can I cope with bereavement in pregnancy?

[Fordee]

Hi ladies, I'm feeling so low and have nobody close that I can talk to about this, so I'm looking to you for advice please.
After a short illness (2 weeks in hospital) my father-in-law sadly passed away on Valentine's day. It was such a shock to the whole family and my poor husband is devastated and feels traumatised by watching his father die. We are all in pieces and my daughter (aged 6) just seems to be angry about the whole ordeal; probably because I told her that grandad would be coming home & she could see him soon. I never realised he would take such a drastic turn for the worse.
I feel so awful for my husband, like there is nothing I can do to make the pain go away. I feel so responsible for my daughter's anger too. And I feel annoyed that it took us so long to conceive and we never gave him another grandchild; our little bean will never know him.
I suppose the emotions are so raw that this is all pretty normal, but I'm finding it hard to keep a lid on it, especially whilst feeling so hormonal.
Anyone experienced similar and have any words of advice for me?

 

[BellaRiven]

First of all, I am so sorry to hear about your father in law, it is so tough when this happens.

I am not sure what you can do other than be there as when they both need to talk, maybe with your little girl there is a book you can read to her to help her understand what is happening.

I have heard that Gentle Willow by Joyce C Mills is a good book and it is done in such a way it helps the child to understand.

In regards to your partner that may take a little longer, my hubby lost his mum about 6 weeks after we got together, he didn;t cave or show emotion for another 4 months and then he just exploded but that's what he needed, I just needed to be there to hold him, let him take his time, don't bother him too much if he is brooding, it's all part of the healing process

xxxx

 

[Spammy]

Hi honey. I'm so sorry for your loss. I haven't experienced bereavement since being pregnant but 2 years ago I lost my mum after a long battle with a horrible illness. I can honestly say seeing her die was the worst thing I will ever go through so I can totally understand your husband being in such a state.

All I can say is that you will all cope with it differently. And it will get easier with time. The pain never goes away but becomes easier to deal with.

Also try not to feel guilty about your daughter. Just try and talk openly to her about it. Kids are so resilient with stuff like this. We were amazed at how my nieces and nephews dealt with the loss of my mum.

Again honey I'm really sorry you and your family are going through this. Loads of love x

 

[kanga86]

I am so sorry to hear about ur father in law, such a hard thing to go through whilst pregnant.

I lost my mum nearly 8 years ago now to sudden adult death syndrome when I was just 17, and it is such a hard experience to go through. I was with my oh back then and he was a great support, just being there was a great comfort to me. My mum never became a grandmother as she died so young at 36 yrs old that none of her children had chance to have kids themselves. I feel so sad about it all the time that she will never get to meet my roo, but I know she will be watching down on us.

Everyone does deal with their loss in different ways so just be patient with ur oh and let him know u are there for him xxx

 

[Jayjay027]

This is so sad, I'm so sorry to hear about ur father in law and my thoughts are with u all!

With ur daughter, as others have said, talk openly with her about it. She may be angry because she doesn't fully understand but if you speak to her in a way she will be able to comprehend, she may find it easier to come to terms with it.

With ur OH, he will talk about it in his own time. Just be sure to be there for him and make sure he knows ur there.

As for yourself, don't take on too much! Make sure to take some time for urself, even if its a bath, just make sure u take some time to relax. Xx

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[hellywelly]

I think all these things are great ideas, especially explaining to your daughter that sometimes adults get it wrong, and you honestly did think she would see grandad at home again soon, but that he got very poorly very quickly and occasionally in life that happens. I would also think about contacting your GP to discuss if there is a support group or someone you could talk to in your area about what has happened. You have also lost someone special in your life, and on top of that you are trying to support the two people you care about most in the world - not an easy job. I lost an elderly relative quite suddenly before Christmas, and in some ways I have been able to rationalise it with all the usual things of 'but she was nearly 90' and 'she'd had a very fulfilling life' but it does upset me that she will never meet our baby, especially as she was so excited when she knew we were pregnant. Don't try and be the rock for everyone - you need your grieving time as much as your husband and daughter. xxx

 

[Karate Kid]

It must be so difficult to sit and watch your OH going through all of this, alongside the challanges that pregnancy brings so I really feel for you sweetie.

If you can find someone to talk to for example a breavement counsellor it may help you to work through your feelings also when your husband feels ready you can see the counsellor together.

Please don't beat yourself up in regards to your daughter because you said what you felt was appropriate at the time. If she is angry it is something she has to feel and she will go trhough the motions.

I hope that with every day things get better for you all and it becomes less raw. xxxx

 

[Loula]

so sorry x

 

[Fordee]

Thank you all for some very kind words. Thank you to Spammy, Kanga & HellyWelly for sharing your personal experiences too.
I think I'm finding it so hard losing a person so close to me because of the responsibility I feel as a wife and mother aside from my own feelings. I am really trying to be strong at this moment in time.
My husband and his sister are arranging the funeral but they both seem to have lost the ability to focus and are looking to me to help them with the details and the organisation. I'm only 31 and, despite being close to him, he wasn't my father, so I feel like this is a huge responsibility too.
Everyone seems to have literally forgotten that I'm pregnant, or they are avoiding the subject of new life at such a sad time. It certainly doesn't mean that I'm not sick and tired and nauseous and achy and all the things I was before the fateful day, but I feel I have no right to say that our days of mourning, supporting the family and driving 45 mins each way to their house daily and doing everything without my husband is bloody hard. Most of my husband's family don't even know I'm pregnant, the day of our scan and good news was the same day my father in law took a turn for the worse and my husband rushed to be by his side. We haven't had a chance to celebrate what should be fantastic news for us.
I shall be glad that my DD will be going back to school today so at least her routine can return to normal. For me, I'm considering going back to work tomorrow just to have a bit of normality, I have no idea how I will actually cope. Time will tell.
Unfortunately, the funeral will not be held until next week due to a delay caused by the post mortem. I have to speak to the coroner today to ensure it has been performed and obtain the results before we can register the death. It seems that when you desperately wish that your life would fast forward a bit, there always seems to be paperwork holding it up! Even true in this case!

 

[babyem]

When my OH Lost his father, it was sudden and unexpected. He got the phonecall to say he'd been rushed to hospital, and 5 mins later when I picked him up on the way to A+E, he had died. It was horrible, as I didnt know what to do, but I just did as my OH wanted, gave him space when he needed, hugs when he needed etc etc. I hope it all goes as well as it can for your family, it will be hard and I know how upsetting it can be to think that they will never get to meet their grandchild, but just think of how proud he would be xx

 

[Lauren92]

I how you're feeling. I really do, five days ago my father passed away suddenly.

With two kids, the only way I get through the day is to just focus on getting on with it. That is all I can do.