Hope & Fear - familiar combination!?

[rea2012]

So, we have an appointment with the consultant and nurse on Thursday, first sit down one at fertility clinic we've been referred to (to do with starting ICSI) and I've already mentally calculated the 'if we start treatment mid June then we might have a child around spring 2013' thought pattern; the hope.
But I've calculated that many times before... and I'm nervous... Nervous they'll say 'Great, well we just need another blood test on day whatever' and we'll be waiting AGAIN. Nervous that we'll start treatment and I'll find it really difficult to give myself injections. Nervous the hormones will mess with my head even more than ltTTC does... nervous i'll hope and it won't work...
I've found the connection I've felt to having a family vary over the past 2 years. At first, full of excitement and hope, plans and 'what if'. Then pockets along the way of distancing myself, not deliberately but I noticed myself shutting off a bit. I think that because the possibility feels close now... the hope is returning... and with it the fear. I know it's not healthy to be worrying and I'm going to do stuff to help balance that; like get a massage etc.
I'm finding this all a bit much at the moment... and you girls are the ones who can understand... x x

 

[Kay Kay]

Hi hun, I totally relate to what you're feeling and reckon its very normal. I've also found myself distancing myself from the reality of getting pregnant and being a mum, I think its a self preservation thing. I hope you can start icsi soon and there's no more waiting around. The waiting is like mental torture. You are certainly not alone hun, have a big hug xxxxxxx

 

[ScotchEgg]

I think what you're feeling is perfectly normal. At least it sounds exactly how I feel.

I won't lie too you, our icsi cycle was the hardest yet, but it was also the most exciting. The injections and all that are tough but they're over and forgotten about in no time.there always seems to be something going on and your 2ww is shorter in many ways as the first few days take place outside your body.

It might not work, you're right, there's still an element of chance, and that hurts, but the odds it will work are amazing. And if it doesn't, it's not the end of the world. I'm so exited about starting again even if I'm also petrified.

Good luck

 

[rea2012]

Thanks girls... I really appreciate your comments... x x

Kay Kay -- self preservation is a good way of putting it, makes it sound like we're doing a good thing, a positive slant
and thanks for the hug xx

ScotchEgg -- i appreciate your honesty.. I don't want to be blind-sided by this; I want to be mentally prepared [deep breath!] and it'll feel good to be excited here we go hey....

thanks again lovelies, you've had a positive impact on me and my hope/fear balance

xx xx

 

[LouiseB]

You'll be alright Rea

I can guarantee that even if it doesn't come naturally that you find a way to cope and a way to do whatever you need to do when it comes to it.

Just let go of any delusion of control and keep your fingers crossed xx

 

[subee066]

I hope you can start icsi soon and there's no more waiting around. The waiting is like mental torture.

 

[rea2012]

Just let go of any delusion of control and keep your fingers crossed xx

I love that Louise! Lol - so true! I'm working on it xx

 

[Gizzy Kelly]

Hi I hope you start icsi soon hon! Keep us updated. Love gizzy xxx

 

[rea2012]

Thanks girls xx
I went for a massage yesterday and within minutes of starting (she had no idea about our situation) she said she felt like I was tense and like I was 'bracing' myself. So apt I couldn't believe it! Ended up crying part way through -- a big release. According to my massage lady we hold emotion in our bodies. Feel a lot calmer today and more in touch with how I'm actually feeling. And surprisingly it feels better! Better than 'bracing myself'
Spoke with OH about stuff yesterday too and he was great. Think I've been trying to be positive, to 'cope' and not really confronting and accepting my other emotions. Also, the secretiveness of this experience is really unnatural to me. I'm normally really open about stuff. That's what's nice about this place being able to share... thanks for reading and responding ladies x x x