Here again...

[lisey]

So I am here again for the forth time. We found out on the day of our 12 week scan that our pregnancy was infact an indentical twin pregnancy that had gone unnoticed at previous scans. It was a very unusual and rare type of twin pregnancy which resulted in a miscarriage on the very day of the scan. It was the furthest we have got and I was just starting to believe that things might be ok and that we may finally get the baby we had tried so hard for for over 3 and half years.
It has been over a week since the miscarriage and 5 days since the erpc (we were advised not to let it happen naturally), I just feel so removed from myself, I go on facebook and see peoples posts and pictures and wonder what it must be like to be happy, I feel as though I haven't felt real happiness in years as ttc has destroyed me and my confidence in things working out. I don't know if I want to ttc again, my OH wants to as he says its a positive thing that we did get so far, it was the fact that it was a rare twin pregnancy that caused the miscarriage, not that my body couldn't manage it (like I have previously thought). Maybe in time I will be ready but at this point I just feel like I can never see it working out and never want to go through it again, how much can one person take.
Sorry for the ramble, I just need to get it all out as I am not really a person that speaks openly to my friends and family, I tend to hide away from everyone xx

 

[WishingHoping]

Oh hun i am so sorry this has happened.

I felt exactly the same when I lost our twins at the beginning of the month & im so surprised how quickly I decided I want to TTC again after saying I didn't when we first found out. It's terrifying & something you never expect to happen to you.

Have the doctors referred you to speak to someone regarding recurrent miscarriages? I do think OH is right about you getting so far along but I don't think that helps does it? Makes it feel like a tease. A tease of something you want so much which is sadly taken away from you at the point you start to believe it will be okay.

The best thing I can advise is take a break from everything ttc - just get back to your old self; laugh, cry, go away for the weekend, eat well, sleep well, drink, reminisce of good times. Strengthen your mind & your body will follow. Pray. I don't know why things like this happen to people who want to be parents & who would be great parents, unfortunately life is cruel. But look what you have been through; you are a very strong woman & if you believe that you will get through this.

I really hope you allow yourself the time to grieve & your body to heal. Xx

 

[kkheartsbaby]

Im devastated to see your post in here as am always rooting for the lttcers and ivf miracles. Take as much time out as you can... I think we are of similar age and have all hope that you'll have a perfectly healthy baby in the future. Please look after yourself xx

 

[lisey]

Oh hun i am so sorry this has happened.

I felt exactly the same when I lost our twins at the beginning of the month & im so surprised how quickly I decided I want to TTC again after saying I didn't when we first found out. It's terrifying & something you never expect to happen to you.

Have the doctors referred you to speak to someone regarding recurrent miscarriages? I do think OH is right about you getting so far along but I don't think that helps does it? Makes it feel like a tease. A tease of something you want so much which is sadly taken away from you at the point you start to believe it will be okay.

The best thing I can advise is take a break from everything ttc - just get back to your old self; laugh, cry, go away for the weekend, eat well, sleep well, drink, reminisce of good times. Strengthen your mind & your body will follow. Pray. I don't know why things like this happen to people who want to be parents & who would be great parents, unfortunately life is cruel. But look what you have been through; you are a very strong woman & if you believe that you will get through this.

I really hope you allow yourself the time to grieve & your body to heal. Xx

Thanks so much for your lovely message. I have had all the tests for miscarriages and everything is fine, its likely this one would have been ok had the embryo not split, one baby developed and the other didn't but the one that didn't develop takes blood from the baby that is ok, bubs was fully developed and appeared normal, it was extremely bad luck. I thought before that I just couldn't carry a pregnancy anymore as all losses were pretty early on and we never had a positive scan where everything looked as it should. We had 4 early scans and were reassured all was as it should be so I feel cheated, I was lead to believe all was fine when it wasn't.
You're probably right, I need time and maybe I will feel differently about everything, I feel bad saying to my OH that I don't want to try again as he doesn't have any children, I have a son from a previous relationship so I feel a bit selfish saying I don't want to try anymore. I was so ill with this pregnancy, to the point that I could barely move, I hardly left the house in 6 weeks...I went through all of that for nothing, no baby at the end of it. I am worried to feel that ill again but I am guessing I was so bad because it was double the hormones, I wasn't that bad with my son.
I am so sorry you have had a miscarriage recently too and I hope you get another bfp very soon xx

Im devastated to see your post in here as am always rooting for the lttcers and ivf miracles. Take as much time out as you can... I think we are of similar age and have all hope that you'll have a perfectly healthy baby in the future. Please look after yourself xx

Same here, I always love a ltttc or IVF success story, I hope every single one of the ladies gets their bfp and forever baby.
I am 31 but I don't have as much time as another person my age as I have low egg reserve so its another thing to worry about xx

 

[Clementine]

Hi Lisey, keep writing about how you feel get it all of your chest, I think when we vent it lets our own mind come to grips with what has happened, I understand where your husband is coming from but I also know the words can ring hollow when all you want is a healthy full term baby. You are a strong woman, you have made some big decisions over the last 6 months regarding work and IVF and you have made progress. Go easy on yourself take time to grieve, to give yourself space to get your head around what has happened, time does help our heart to heal, even though it might not feel like it right now you are a strong determined woman, you will get through this. At some point in the days, weeks or months ahead you will feel ready to decide your next step. Big hugs look after yourself and your OH xxx

 

[CharlotteH24]

Thanks so much for your lovely message. I have had all the tests for miscarriages and everything is fine, its likely this one would have been ok had the embryo not split, one baby developed and the other didn't but the one that didn't develop takes blood from the baby that is ok, bubs was fully developed and appeared normal, it was extremely bad luck. I thought before that I just couldn't carry a pregnancy anymore as all losses were pretty early on and we never had a positive scan where everything looked as it should. We had 4 early scans and were reassured all was as it should be so I feel cheated, I was lead to believe all was fine when it wasn't.
You're probably right, I need time and maybe I will feel differently about everything, I feel bad saying to my OH that I don't want to try again as he doesn't have any children, I have a son from a previous relationship so I feel a bit selfish saying I don't want to try anymore. I was so ill with this pregnancy, to the point that I could barely move, I hardly left the house in 6 weeks...I went through all of that for nothing, no baby at the end of it. I am worried to feel that ill again but I am guessing I was so bad because it was double the hormones, I wasn't that bad with my son.
I am so sorry you have had a miscarriage recently too and I hope you get another bfp very soon xx

Did they give you a medical term for what happened or say they're doing tests on the "products" as they like to call it? I'm only asking because it sounds a bit like what I had/have. For me I only have the one baby in there but the placenta has turned very cystic and is technically a mole. I still have some healthy placental tissue but baby can't get the nutrients it needs because the placenta is compromised.

"What Is A Partial Molar Pregnancy?

Partial Mole occurs when the mass contains both the abnormal cells and an embryo that has severe defects. In this case the fetus will be overcome by the growing abnormal mass rather quickly.
An extremely rare version of a partial mole is when twins are conceived but one embryo begins to develop normally while the other is a mole. In these cases, the healthy embryo will very quickly be consumed by the abnormal growth."

It's a complete stab in the dark, you may have been given a name for it already but if you haven't then this is just a thought.
It's completely a luck of the draw, many women miscarry before having a scan and won't even have any idea. For me baby is still alive, I'm going for my official diagnosis tomorrow before having an erpc probably this week. My hormones have to be tracked weekly until they hit 0 again, after that doctors have asked me to wait a minimum of 6 months but potentially a year before trying again. A partial molar pregnancy effects 1 in 1000 pregnancies in the UK so is considered rare in itself, it's when two sperm hit one egg and baby has two sets of dad's genes and only one of yours. It means baby has 69 chromosomes instead of 46 which then causes issues with Fetal development and viability. It's something which doctors can't do anything about, it's literally just chance and there's no reason that it'll happen to the same person twice.

This is literally just something to think about asking your hospital if they haven't given you a official name of diagnosis for the loss. I hope you and OH can get through this and strike common ground about trying again. We all know how hard it is to feel so helpless, I personally felt like I was incapable when I first found out on Friday, it's the hardest thing I think I've ever been through in the last 7 years. Take some time to be an adult and come back to TTC whenever you are both ready, there's women still having babies naturally at 40 years old and your own mental health when TTC is just as important as your physical. Don't feel selfish for not being sure, you're the one who has to put your body through pregnancy and you're also the one who has to go through the physical effects, along with the emotions, of a miscarriage or erpc. If you do come to the conclusion that you won't put your body through it again, have you considered adoption? I know it's not everyone's cup of tea but giving someone's unwanted child a home is just as special and brave as having your own.

I hope you feel better soon, that you do make a decision which is right for you and I hope you can get any answers you might be looking for.

 

[platypus]

I'm so sorry for your loss and completely understand that you feel like you have gone though so much and got nothing for it. that is currently where my head is at after 3 mc. What is getting me through is focusing on the positives and thinking about the next pregnancy, take comfort in that you were just really unlucky with the rare twin pregnancy and next time there is every chance it will have a positive outcome. This place is a great outlet for our feelings, worries and stresses that we don't always feel we can express with our loved ones so post as often and as much as you want.

 

[lisey]

Hi Lisey, keep writing about how you feel get it all of your chest, I think when we vent it lets our own mind come to grips with what has happened, I understand where your husband is coming from but I also know the words can ring hollow when all you want is a healthy full term baby. You are a strong woman, you have made some big decisions over the last 6 months regarding work and IVF and you have made progress. Go easy on yourself take time to grieve, to give yourself space to get your head around what has happened, time does help our heart to heal, even though it might not feel like it right now you are a strong determined woman, you will get through this. At some point in the days, weeks or months ahead you will feel ready to decide your next step. Big hugs look after yourself and your OH xxx

Thanks, you're right, it does help to get it out. I already feel a little better from getting it all out earlier. I bottle everything up but find it much easier to write my feelings down rather than in words to another person. I get too upset. I feel far from strong right now but I know I will get through it, simply because I have no choice. I know things will get a little easier in time xx

Thanks so much for your lovely message. I have had all the tests for miscarriages and everything is fine, its likely this one would have been ok had the embryo not split, one baby developed and the other didn't but the one that didn't develop takes blood from the baby that is ok, bubs was fully developed and appeared normal, it was extremely bad luck. I thought before that I just couldn't carry a pregnancy anymore as all losses were pretty early on and we never had a positive scan where everything looked as it should. We had 4 early scans and were reassured all was as it should be so I feel cheated, I was lead to believe all was fine when it wasn't.
You're probably right, I need time and maybe I will feel differently about everything, I feel bad saying to my OH that I don't want to try again as he doesn't have any children, I have a son from a previous relationship so I feel a bit selfish saying I don't want to try anymore. I was so ill with this pregnancy, to the point that I could barely move, I hardly left the house in 6 weeks...I went through all of that for nothing, no baby at the end of it. I am worried to feel that ill again but I am guessing I was so bad because it was double the hormones, I wasn't that bad with my son.
I am so sorry you have had a miscarriage recently too and I hope you get another bfp very soon xx

Did they give you a medical term for what happened or say they're doing tests on the "products" as they like to call it? I'm only asking because it sounds a bit like what I had/have. For me I only have the one baby in there but the placenta has turned very cystic and is technically a mole. I still have some healthy placental tissue but baby can't get the nutrients it needs because the placenta is compromised.

"What Is A Partial Molar Pregnancy?

Partial Mole occurs when the mass contains both the abnormal cells and an embryo that has severe defects. In this case the fetus will be overcome by the growing abnormal mass rather quickly.
An extremely rare version of a partial mole is when twins are conceived but one embryo begins to develop normally while the other is a mole. In these cases, the healthy embryo will very quickly be consumed by the abnormal growth."

It's a complete stab in the dark, you may have been given a name for it already but if you haven't then this is just a thought.
It's completely a luck of the draw, many women miscarry before having a scan and won't even have any idea. For me baby is still alive, I'm going for my official diagnosis tomorrow before having an erpc probably this week. My hormones have to be tracked weekly until they hit 0 again, after that doctors have asked me to wait a minimum of 6 months but potentially a year before trying again. A partial molar pregnancy effects 1 in 1000 pregnancies in the UK so is considered rare in itself, it's when two sperm hit one egg and baby has two sets of dad's genes and only one of yours. It means baby has 69 chromosomes instead of 46 which then causes issues with Fetal development and viability. It's something which doctors can't do anything about, it's literally just chance and there's no reason that it'll happen to the same person twice.

This is literally just something to think about asking your hospital if they haven't given you a official name of diagnosis for the loss. I hope you and OH can get through this and strike common ground about trying again. We all know how hard it is to feel so helpless, I personally felt like I was incapable when I first found out on Friday, it's the hardest thing I think I've ever been through in the last 7 years. Take some time to be an adult and come back to TTC whenever you are both ready, there's women still having babies naturally at 40 years old and your own mental health when TTC is just as important as your physical. Don't feel selfish for not being sure, you're the one who has to put your body through pregnancy and you're also the one who has to go through the physical effects, along with the emotions, of a miscarriage or erpc. If you do come to the conclusion that you won't put your body through it again, have you considered adoption? I know it's not everyone's cup of tea but giving someone's unwanted child a home is just as special and brave as having your own.

I hope you feel better soon, that you do make a decision which is right for you and I hope you can get any answers you might be looking for.

Thanks so much Charlotte, so sorry for what you're going through too xx
We do have a name for the condition, its not molar but I don't want to put it on here as if family members search it, they might come across my posts on here. I don't want them figuring out its me etc. The chances of our type of pregnancy are 1 in 35,000 so extremely rare.
I would be happy to adopt but my son has autism and I am not sure if they would allow me to adopt with having a child with additional needs as they may feel its not an ideal placement xx

I'm so sorry for your loss and completely understand that you feel like you have gone though so much and got nothing for it. that is currently where my head is at after 3 mc. What is getting me through is focusing on the positives and thinking about the next pregnancy, take comfort in that you were just really unlucky with the rare twin pregnancy and next time there is every chance it will have a positive outcome. This place is a great outlet for our feelings, worries and stresses that we don't always feel we can express with our loved ones so post as often and as much as you want.

Oh gosh, sorry you have had 3 miscarriages too, have you been through all the testing yet? I hope you get your sticky bfp soon and thanks for your lovely message. I was going to stay off of the forum for a while but it really is the only place where people understand what we're going through xx

 

[Bunny432]

Hi Lisey I am so sorry for your losses and more so for how you feel.

Everyone is different after MC when they feel ready, or if they feel ready to TTC again, it's completely your choice and up too you.

Having never MC before I really don't know what your going through but I can emphasize as any pregnant woman will.

Keep your head held high, keep your dreams and wishes in full focus and try and stay positive as much as you can.

You'll get to the end of the road I promise x x x

 

[platypus]

I've been referred to the recurrent mc clinic and am just waiting for the appointment to come, but they said that often there is no reason that can be found. It kind of gives me hope to think I was just unlucky and next time will be OK.

 

[lisey]

Thanks Bunny xx

Yes they said the same to us Platypus, we were in the 'bad luck' category and whilst we did miscarry a forth time, it wasn't because of reasons that could have been prevented or because of an underlying issue, just extreme bad luck. I did find that I felt reassured after all the tests though, knowing that there was no reason. I was scared to try again not knowing if there was an issue or not xx

 

[hayes]

Oh hun I'm devastated for you I really dont know wat to say, to get that far just seems so cruel I can't imagine how u feel. I can only offer u a big hug n I hope that one day you may feel strong enough to think of ttc again but if not it's ur descion don't let anyone feel u otherwise.

Michelle.x

 

[laurat]

Oh Lisey, Im so sorry you have to go through this yet again. Life can just be so cruel!! ❤️

 

[snowbee]

Oh lisey I've just seen this and I'm very sorry to hear about your losses. What a cruel twist for you to have to go through after being in that wretched ltttc boat. Big hugs heading your way x

 

[lisey]

Thanks everyone, I am struggling a bit today, I just can't believe I have lost 4 pregnancies, I do everything right, cut out caffeine, I don't drink or smoke, I take all the vitamins and do everything by the book, I can't have my baby but there are drug addicts and alcoholics that breeze through pregnancy, how it that fair! I wouldn't want anyone to lose a baby, I am not saying that but it seems and feels so unfair. I am on antibiotics too now as doctor thinks I could have an infection brewing, its more a precaution just incase but I wonder when or if it will ever just go smoothly xx

 

[Bethyboo87]

Oh hun, I'm not surprised you're struggling, you must be emotionally exhausted. I know what you mean about people like that, I felt exactly the same when I was ttc. It really isn't fair and I don't know what the answer is. Just wanted to pop by to say you're still in my thoughts. Big big hugs to you xx

 

[Lilmisshopeful]

Oh hun I am so sorry to see this I really am. It never gets any easier to handle if anything it gets worse. I've lost 7 babies and it did get harder every time. But a wise birdie once said the only way I won't have a baby is if I give up trying. You know you can do it hun and the odds are in your favour for this to never happen again. I really hope you are blessed with a beautiful baby soon xxx

 

[flisstebbs]

So sad to see this post. Lisey, what a horrible time for you.

I know there is not much I can say, I remember picking myself up after mc #4 being on of the hardest things I ever did, felt so empty. I had some counselling which helped loads, and then #5 turned into my rainbow baby.
It's amazing how close you can be to your rainbow and not know it. Xxx

 

[lisey]

Thanks for all the lovely support everyone, it really does mean a lot and makes me realise I want to stay on the forum, its such a good support system.
I don't know what we will do about trying again, I know my OH wants to but I am just so scared of going through it all again, I probably just need some time xx

 

[Dee28]

Hey sweetie, hadn't clocked that you'd ventured in here, I hope it's helped listening to others stories and kind words. It's still such early days, don't even think about what comes next at the moment. You'll know in time how you want to move forward, you've been through a real trauma and you need to let that play out both physically and emotionally before anything. Lots of love xx