Help - whats happening to me/my marriage ? need ur advice

[Duds]

Dont really know where to start & I havent talked to anyone about this.. Its taken me a while to even think about it really.

Has anyone else noticed a real change in their relationship since having a baby?
Im really confussed, since having Aimee our relationship has totally changed which I know is normal but Iv found it really hard taking an interest in my hubbie now & it just seems to be getting worse.
I find myself getting annoyed with him for no reason & the slightest thing irratates me. I then feel guilty and try to make an effort but its short lived.
I dont know whats wrong with me.
Im not a touchy feely person and never have been but if he tries to show me any affection I just feel myself tense and get annoyed.
The problem is when im being "off" with him he tries harder and starts fussing all the time which is just doing my head in more!
He's constantly asking if theres anything i want and how am i feeling & tries to give me more affection.

I probably sound like a complete ungrateful cow I know!

I love Aimee to bits and wouldnt change anything for the world but I find my life has changed so much & I feel a bit "lost" like Im not sure who I am anymore. Iv always been pretty independant & now my whole purpose in life has changed. I do like it I just cant seem to cope with motherhood and a relationship. I'm pretty sure I do love him still & he loves us both more than anything.

Is it my hormones? Is it normal to go through a funny phase? Has anyone found their relationship hard work after a baby or is it just me? ? Or are you more in love now (after reading the how you met your OH post you all sound so happy).

Really appreciate any advice & how your relationships are going


Sorry for all the questions hope I havent waffled on to much & this makes some sense.

 

[lauramumof2]

Sounds very familar. Its great now, better than great (give or take a few things he has done thats upset me) . When baby comes it like, what is everyones roles now. I would say that the woman has more of a change She is now a mother but still a woman. There is far more to do and rather than a fusser its a helper thats needed.

Can you talk to your dh and tell him this bluntly. Write it down if you want and let him see. Sometimes the last thing someone wants is a mother hen clucking round.

It will get better.

 

[beanie]

Duds my relationship has been the best it has ever been and the worst ever since Seren arrived. I was like you, very independent and like you find my role has changed and I am not sure who I am any more. I have no advice sorry as am going through the same thing but I do think that perhaps it is just us finding our feet again and getting used to the fact there is another part to our relationship now and that we have a lot of responsibility. (((Duds))) all I would say is not to make any major decisions at the moment as hormones are horrible things. xx

 

[michelle82]

i agree with beanie the hormones and the sudden change in lifestyle is a lot to cope with in the earlier months I can be more irritable now and off some days but its not always like that maybe talk to your oh about how your feeling he may be more understanding etc

 

[emilia]

>>>HUGS<<<
I am sorry that I have no advice. I have had some tough times with DH, but I can't quite remember what it was all about!
Having babies change us - look at insects/animals in nature, just watch how many females eat or dump their partners once they had done the deed or laid the eggs!!! We're a funny lot!

I hope you can talk to him - dont STOP talking! You're important to each other - you need each others support. He sounds like an understanding guy... you'll be ok.

Emilia xx

ps... *shout* "Put the knife down"!!!!!

 

[Rosebay]

I went through a really wobbly patch right about 4 months post-babe too. Not so much with my OH but more with me and my identity I guess. I suppose it was partly hormones and partly that things had got a little less panicky so I had time to look about myself and see how much I'd changed and it freaked me out. You gain so much when you have a baby but you lose a lot of your self as well- not in a bad way but it's just that certainly to begin with you have to be thinking of someone else 24/7 and that's pretty unique. It means that everyone else around you kind of falls away a bit too as parts of yourself that you used to share with others are kind of drawn in to help you look after your baby if you know what I mean? I think what helped me was remembering how much I wanted to be a mother and to just try and relax and enjoy it and then I found that I was able to re-imagine myself as a mother- not the woman I was but under pressure - but a new woman entirely. I found myself starting to look after my OH and family again as I felt more used to looking after my baby's basic needs in a kind of natural, almost auto-pilot way. I mean to begin with just sterilsing bottles took 100% concentration and ages as well, now it's just something I do every morning just the same as making a cup of tea etc. Ok so I'm kind of going off topic but I guess what I mean is don't panic, keep talking to your OH and give yourself a break. It is probably one of the biggest events of your life and it's bound to take time to adjust to

Hope it all gets easier for you soon
+++

 

[Kim]

I feel similar to you duds. Since having Rubie I feel like I havn't got enough love for them both. That's the only way I can describe it. I still love him but can't seem to find the energy to make an effort for him if that makes sense.

 

[K X]

Duds, I think we have all expereinced strain in our relationships since baby's have come along. I am the opposite to you though, well I snap at Dale all the time, and get very angry with him, but he is sooo unromantic, doesn't give me cuddles or affection anymore. Sometimes we need reassurance.

Maybe this is your independent side coming out, acting like a machine, as at this moment in time you are here to serve and be at Aimee's beck and call, constantly on the go. Relationships I think get neglected when a LO comes along. Anyway can you two can have a night alone, some cuddles? Cause I am sure your OH feels like his world has been turned up side down too.

I know from mine and Dale's point of view, we never anticipated it to be soo difficult. Hope you sort things out, it is a testing time for a relationship having a baby. I feel like a sleep next to a stone at night- no love or affection.

we are here for you Duds. chin up.xx

 

[Duds]

Thank you for all your replies, they have really helped me. Kim - you hit the nail on the head really.
Its really reassuring to know that alot of you have had difficulties of some sort also (not that I wish it on any of you)

I am feeling a bit better already, I think when your feeling low & like that I freak myself out a bit and start thinking all sorts like being on my own & what it will be like going through a split & I dont love my DH anymore.

My parents split when I was 8 & it was really messy which has almost made me paranoid thats its going to happen to me. Im not very good at relationships and really struggle with any affection which my DH knows all about as I have always been really straight with him. I have problems letting anyone else do anything for me & although I am very loyal in a relationship I have found it hard to really commit without getting scared.
I have no problem givng Aimee love and affection though which maybe baffles my DH, that may be why he is trying to give me lots of affection...
I do feel really sorry for him, he is such a lovely guy that would do anything for us & I really dont deserve him.

I suppose having a baby has bought my issues to the surface & bought back some childhood insecurities & im trying so hard to be a good mum (maybe to hard) that I cant cope with a relationship.
I will try and talk to him about it.


Emilia - You put a smile on my face How did you know I had a knife at the ready ! lol Joke!

K- I hope you OH starts paying you some attention, that must be horrible esp when you feel so insecure after a baby.x

 

[Dee1985]

I OFTEN FEEL LIKE THIS TOWARDS KRIS I GET INTO BED AT NIGHT PRAYING HES ASLEEP SOI DONT HAVE TO HAVE CUDDELS!!!!!!

i love him to bits but i think im so tired in the day looking after 2 babies making sure they are happy that i havnt got the energy or time to make kris happy.so when he starts bugging me i loose my rag with him.

sure it will pass though

 

[ToriElla]

i was the same. it is hard and you end up taking alot out on them. seems to be a common thing. but it does pass and it does get better x