Help please! young, single and pregnant, father concerns

[xminniex]

hi, im 20 years old, single and 19 weeks pregnant. I had only met the father twice and i fell pregnant to him (the doctors had told me it was highly unlikely i would be able to concieve so i was lazier with my pill than i perhaps would have been)
anyway, the father is 28 and lives in a different city to me. it's only an hour and a half away, and to be honest i'm quite glad. i want him to be involved as i think it is best for our baby but i am having huge difficulty in coming to terms with letting a 'stranger' be such a big control on my babies life when i do not know or trust him properly yet.
when i first told him i was pregnant, he rang me frantically pressuring me i 'HAD' to let him see the baby 'AT LEAST' once a week and that he was going to get his own place (as he currently lives with two other men) so he could take the baby there alone! of course, this mortified me as i had just found out i was pregnant to this 'stranger' and i felt like no way am i having you alone with my baby until i know you are safe! i explained this to him and luckily i have a supportive family and my mum spoke to him, calmed him down and explained this was a lot of stress for me.
I told the father I needed space and would contact him via email untill i was 3 months pregnant and that then he could come down and we could spend time together to get to know each other properly and hopefully build up some trust and boundaries. He asked me how many people were allowed at the scan and i said i didn't know as i was too early to even have seen a doctor yet, he asked if it was only one who i would have with me and i said my mum because naturally i wanted support and not to feel vulnerable and he lived in a different place so she would need to take me, i explained that once we had gotten to know each other he could come to the second scan. He then rang me, screaming at me down the phone and shouting until i was crying and paniking, i told him to stop shouting at me he swore at me and put the phone down.
since then he has been up here and me and my mum have both explained we want him in the babies life but no way is he going to cause stress for me or the baby in any way and that i could decide when i trusted him to be alone with the baby. he seemed ok.
he told me he would send me 100 pounds towards the cot and sent me 70 instead, i am greatful i have a father who wants to be involved but i know he has been at the pub with his mates?
im worried that he is just being nice now as a front to get what he wants. i have horrible feelings towards him now because of how he spoke to me and am finding it hard to accept him. he is coming again this friday and i feel anxious every time i hear he is coming down, i dont want a row every time we disagree on something as that will not be good for the baby and there's no way i will let this baby be hurt.

i want to know if i am being too harsh? or am i right to be skeptical? how would you go about the situation?

 

[Loula]

It takes 2 to tango and therefore if he is the babys father and he will go on the certificate then he will have as much right in parenting as you.
Your not together and so you cant comment if hes been down the pub with his mates as far as it goes is your 2single people hving a baby together.
You need to make decisions regarding your child and if he wants to help then let him because believe me its a lonely old world out there being a single mum x

 

[xminniex]

Thanks for the reply x
I understand that, I do want him involved for the baby as I havn't had a dad around ever. However I can't help feeling that leaving him alone with the baby at first like he wants when I don't know him isn't safe? should I let him or should I be there too?x

 

[Muguboo]

I wonder if his reaction was because he was scared you'll cut him out. Or maybe he's mental - unfortunately, as you say, you don't know him at all so you don't know.

I would suggest you meet regularly, preferably in a public place but regardless with someone you trust close by (with his knowledge) - who will be there for you if you need them but literally stays out of the discussion you have with him otherwise.

I think you have to explain to him that you're scared and you have to think about the baby - so it's going to be up to him to prove himself (and maybe mention in a non-argumentative way that sending you £70 instead of the £100 he offered was not a great start to you thinking he'll be reliable and there for bubs). If you want your mum at scans maybe suggest that he pays half for a private scan - cos then he and your mum can come

I didn't think you had to register father on birth certificate if you don't want? Though of course it's more complicated than that.

Oh, and no, you definitely shouldn't leave him alone with bubs until you feel safe in it.

Good luck x

 

[Loula]

No you dnt have to have the father on the cert. My lo only has me on hers.
Its conpletely normal that you wont want baby to be away from you. Anyway he can stay with you and let him help.
He has to realise that yes your having a child together but you dnt know him but id defo reccommend you getting to know hom z

 

[Daisy2011]

If you dont want to be around him then dont. I wouldnt let a stranger come to a scan becuase its so personal.
I would restrict access to after the baby is born and only with supervison until he has proven that he can be trusted.

His behaviour so far doesnt indicate that he is a good man. It really is up to him to prove it. You can do it alone with your families help and definately dont have to suffer the compnay of someone you dont like for the sake of your child. If hes a shit with you what makes you think he will be sweetness with your child. The fact is your child wont make lasting memories until its around 2 ans this allows for lots of time to sort these things out.
If you expcet him to support your child then he needs to go on the certificate but other than that you dont have to do it. Make a choice. Id much rather be a happy but tired out single mum than tolearting someone I hate for the sake of a few pounds.

Trust your instincts is my advice, i think youve already decided.
Good luck to you
x Daisy